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Opinions on ex-girlfriend's e-mails

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I'm 27 and she is 26. We were together for almost 3 years when, from point of view, she suddenly broke up with me in December (almost 6 months ago).


It's a long story so I won't get into it in detail. I'll just say what has happened recently.


Basically, since February, we haven't had contact. I did move back in March (instead of August as planned) for various reasons, after we had about 6 weeks of no contact. She started contacting me a little online saying she was glad I was around, but I reminded her that I promised to respect her space, which is true, and so we shouldn't talk.


We ended up meeting in person in March just to catch up because she seemed to missing me and wanted to talk to me. She had deleted all our pictures off the internet, but then followed that by e-mailing me to say she missed me and had be thinking about me. I found that very strange.


But, when we did meet in person, although we had a polite meal together, she seemed indifferent. I decided that was enough. I asked her to talk to me one last time, and we did. I explained why we couldn't be friends and that it was going to be all of me or none of me. I wasn't interested in being just another one of the guys who she was hanging out with whenever she feels like it.


So, she accepted that pretty easily. Other than chewing her nails, she seemed basically unaffected and I figured that was the end.


We go 6 weeks without contact and suddenly she starts contacting me online. I told her that we can't be friends. After a few days, I decided to write her an e-mail reminding why we couldn't be friends and that good-bye had to mean good-bye. She wrote me back saying she thinks of me a lot and is struggling to not be friends with me and to put our relationship in the past. She said she understood why we couldn't be friends and that she would try not to contact me any more.


I decided to reply to that e-mail by telling her, in a nice way, that although friendship was not an option, if she was feeling confused or uncertain, then I would be willing to go to a counselor to talk about those feelings without any false hope or expectations.


She wrote me back in a kind of rebellious tone, saying those were my conditions and not hers and that she had the right to express her thoughts to me if she wanted to. She then said again that she has thought of me a lot and misses me, and doesn't like not knowing about me, and she said she thinks I am a really good person. She then said it is a big loss for her not to have me as her boyfriend or friend. Then, she follows that by saying she thinks her decision to break up was the right one and she is not changing her mind.


I never mentioned our relationship to her in about 5 months. She brought that up. On the one hand, she says I am a great person, she misses me, and it is a big loss to her, and then, on the other hand, she follows that by saying how she is sticking to her decision as it was probably the right one. She claimed she was just expressing her thoughts and not trying to convince me to be friends.


She knows how much pain she caused me and she also claims to understand why we can't be friends. I wrote her back and respectfully reminded her that I wasn't changing my opinion about being friends, but I would leave the door open if she wanted to discuss things with professional help.


She admitted to me that she has gone through a difficult period. I feel that she is trying to get my sympathy and just trying to suck me in to being friends because she is lonely or misses or companionship. I understand that, but it is also a selfish thing to do to somebody who has been hurt so much. I don't blame her for that -- I told her I would let her go from my life with love and I accepted it, which is true -- but at the same time, I am confused by the messages she has sent me.


Any thoughts?



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"She admitted to me that she has gone through a difficult period. I feel that she is trying to get my sympathy and just trying to suck me in to being friends because she is lonely or misses or companionship. I understand that, but it is also a selfish thing to do to somebody who has been hurt so much."


BIngo! I think you hit the nail on the head. She is being totally selfish. It could be that she just doesn't understand how much this has hurt you, and how much her pushing and pulling...pulling you close, then pushing you away, is causing you pain.


Truthfully, though, you have total control over the situation. You are choosing to respond to her when she contacts you. I would say, just ignore her. Go back to NC, for your own mental and emotional health.

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She does not have the right to express her thoughts to you - she gave up that right when she left you. She has to learn to deal with the consequences of her decision and not cherry-pick the parts of the former relationship she woud like to keep if that is not what you want.

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All she wants is an ego boost. Tons of people are like this, especially those who thrive on attention wherever they go. They are willing to go to great lenghts to get it, and once they get it, they smile smugly and walk away, satisfied.


Cut the cord and go NC. She's a nut.

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Well said!!


She does not have the right to express her thoughts to you - she gave up that right when she left you. She has to learn to deal with the consequences of her decision and not cherry-pick the parts of the former relationship she woud like to keep if that is not what you want.
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She is a great person, and I do miss her a lot. I thought we were going to spend our lives together. She didn't think she could balance her PhD, new friends she made, and having a boyfriend at the same time. Admittedly, I was going through a tough time when she broke up with me, and I suppose that was causing her stress, too.


I feel bad to basically give her an ultimatum, but I can't be friends with her, so there was really no other option. She also said to me that she doesn't understand what led to our separation and she still doesn't understand what is happening inside her. I've chosen to stay back and let her figure it out, although I'm not sure if she sees it that way.


Overall, the point is that she has been sending me mixed signals for a long time now, but she never does anything about it. I got tired and worn out and had to make it clear that we couldn't be friends.


Nothing really bad happened between us. There was some ordinary life-related stress going on, but no big fights, no cheating, or anything, but basically she seemed to want to be young, free, and single again, but still try to keep me around. In March, I told her I wasn't going to be just another guy friend of hers, and she wasn't even sure about having me as a friend. She said gradually we could be friends, but she didn't want me meeting her new group of friends because she felt it was closing in on her "space."


Anyway, she has been acting in a mixed up and confusing way for months. I've told her I am not putting my life on hold for her. I just wish she would stop being so stubborn and actually come to me, make her motivations clear, and figure this out. Instead, she says all those nice things about me, expresses confusion about what led to our situation, but then concludes that she is sticking to her decision. I didn't even ask her anything about "her decision," which by the way was a completely unilateral decision.


She also said in the first e-mail that she felt like a part of her was dying if she didn't have a connection with me. Seriously, this is a mixed message to give to someone whose heart you broke.


So, admittedly, I worry about that my ultimatum basically told her that I would only talk to her if she wants to see a counselor, and maybe she would never consider that. I'd like us to have a chance, if possible. But, really, I think she has serious commitment and intimacy issues, and that our only chance would be professional help so that she could see that.


To my knowledge, she hasn't become involved with anybody else yet, but she has "collected" lots of new friends who I don't know. Most of her friends are guys and she likes going to movies and lunches with them, but never calls those meetings "dates." Anyway, I am better off not knowing what she is doing and I even removed her from Facebook (months ago) and recently I finally removed her from MSN.


It's been really hard on me. I tried really hard but ended up feeling like she just discarded me basically without explanation. I told her that I have moved on and that I accepted her decision, but she is the one saying she is having trouble putting it in the past....and then of course, as I mentioned, she says she is sticking to her decision because she thinks it was probably the right one. So confusing!


Thanks for the advice.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi there,


I'm just updating my thread as I have some new information and I am seeking feedback.


I decided to contact my ex regarding the two e-mails that I felt sent mixed messages. Keep in mind that it has been about 6 months since we first broke up, although it has really been more like 5 months.


I sent her an e-mail telling her that I accepted her offer to talk because she had said if I changed my mind she would like to hear "whatever it is" I had to say.


We agreed to talk by phone. This was the first time we have spoken to each other, verbally, since March. Well, I didn't cave in or anything. I stuck to my guns, because I really believe that friendship cannot work between us. More than that, though, I basically showed her how the e-mails she sent me really sent a mixed message. I told her that the message I was receiving from her was that she didn't want to let me go even though she didn't want to be with me.


At first, she was flippant and said "I let you go", but I was able to show her how her e-mails proved that she wasn't letting go. By the end of the call, she admitted that her e-mails were sending mixed messages. She didn't agree with not being friends and she didn't like that outcome, but she said she understood it. One of the last things I said to her was that "It's strange for us to have this conversation after 6 months." She sounded sad and she said "Yes, you're right."


Now, it's hard for me to explain everything, but her point of view was not really to be friends. It was more like this: "I am willing to grant you the privilege of talking to me once in a while." She didn't say it quite like that, but that was the essence of it. She wanted to have control of the situation from the very beginning, but I'm not giving in.


I told her it was clear to me she just wanted to "check up" on me and not have a real friendship. I wasn't interested in doing either. I told her if she was feeling empty, then we could go to therapy try to work things out, but she was kind of rebellious and said "you go to therapy for your issues and then come back and we can discuss problems between us." I said "that's not going to happen," and I meant it. She didn't just break up with me, she blamed me for everything, but then turned around and wanted me to be her "friend"!


She basically explained that she wants relationships without demands. She said she was a broader view of relationships which means you can love or care about someone without the relationship being at the level of boyfriend/girlfriend, blah blah blah. She really just wants me in her life, but without any commitment, and to string me along, but she covers it up with this idea of relationships with no demands from each other. You see, she broke up with me because she felt overwhelmed. I was going through a tough time and she said she didn't have the strength for it. She turned that into being bitter towards me, yet still tried to string me along.


Anyway, the conversation ended with me wishing her well and saying that I have no hard feelings, and that is true. There was no arguing or anything -- it was just a talk, and I stuck to my view, and she had her views, and that's all. I said that this conversation meant the total separation of our lives and a final good-bye.


A few days after our conversation, it was my birthday. She couldn't resist sending me an e-mail for that. She said it would be the last e-mail she would send me. She just wanted to wish me a happy birthday because I had sent her a card for her birthday a couple months earlier. Then, she ended the e-mail by saying "I am very impressed by how determined you are in this decision [not to be friends] even though it is not how I would have liked things to turn out."


"Very impressed"? Why would she say that? Does anyone else find that a strange thing to say? She also said she would let me go with love and no hard feelings -- which is what I said to her and this is the first time she has ever said anything like that to me.


Well, that is the conclusion.......


EDIT: Ok, gonna add some more.


She said the reason why she e-mailed me was because she felt "disconnected or something" from me. I asked why she did this and she said she didn't have an answer and didn't understand why. I asked why it seems like she is up and down a lot, and she said "personal problems" that she didn't want to share with me. I honestly feel that she is pursuing a man who is unavailable....I know it is speculation, but I have an idea about an older man....and, well, I think she wants to string me along in case that doesn't work out. I don't think she consciously thinks of it that way -- in her mind, our relationship is done and over, but then why does she write me e-mails like she wrote? I said to her "you see how that is a mixed up thing to do with someone you broke up with" and she reluctantly agreed.

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