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Had huge fight with b/f, says he needs time to cool down and think


Bella Jordan

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My boyfriend and I had a huge fight last night. We were both out having drinks at the bar where he works and, after one too many drinks on both of our accounts, we ended up arguing in public. Basically, I'd been feeling like he takes me for granted and hadn't bothered discussing it with him. And it all came out in the wrong way and at the wrong time. I know that he's been overworked lately and that we've both been stressed about our current employment situations, on top of trying to plan for our upcoming relocation. Now he feels that I've embarrassed him in front of his friends and colleagues, a mistake I also made just a few short weeks into our 7-month relationship that almost brought it to an abrupt end.

 

What he didn't know - and what I later told him when we were fighting back at home - was that yesterday marked 10 years to the day since I was raped. I hadn't discussed this with my boyfriend before. In fact, I've hardly discussed it with anyone outside of my therapist and my family. When I told him, he became angry that I didn't come to him with it before - especially, he said, since he'd been so open with me about his abusive childhood. And I received no empathy whatsoever - just anger. What I fail to understand is how he can be angry at me for choosing not to tell him about what happened, when he obviously can't or won't respond accordingly.

 

We slept on opposite sides of the bed last night and, when I woke, I leaned over to tell him that I loved him and that I was sorry for my behavior. He told me that he loved me, but later said that he thought we should spend a couple days apart because he was "still angry" and because he "need[ed] time to think."

 

While I understand that I could have dealt with the issues at hand in a more constructive manner and at a more appropriate time, I also do not think that I should really regret anything I say or do when it comes to how I express myself emotionally to someone with whom I am in a relationship. I feel particularly unapologetic given his reaction to my revelation. As I told him, it's not something I particularly enjoy discussing or thinking about.

 

I also don't particularly like the idea of "time off." I understand that he may need time to cool down, but I'm a much bigger proponent of talking things out in the immediate aftermath as opposed to waiting and then pretending that the argument never happened in the first place.

 

Thoughts?? I intend to respect his wishes for no contact during the next couple days, however frustrating and difficult it may be for me. But in the back of my mind, I can't help but wonder about his willingness to work this out, IF it can't even be worked out at all.

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I also do not think that I should really regret anything I say or do when it comes to how I express myself emotionally to someone with whom I am in a relationship.

 

 

Do you really think this? I think this attitude would kill a relationship pretty quickly.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Bella Jordan

I also do not think that I should really regret anything I say or do when it comes to how I express myself emotionally to someone with whom I am in a relationship.

 

 

Do you really think this? I think this attitude would kill a relationship pretty quickly.

 

^^^

 

Seriously, you don't think you should regret ANYTHING you say or do when you are expressing yourself emotionally?

 

I'm guessing that this form of thinking carries over into how you treat him and speak to him.

 

On the same lines, he feels that the best way he can emotionally express himself is by taking some time, along your line of thought, he has no reason to be sorry for this because it is how he wants to express himself.

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Perhaps I should clarify: I believe that there are things that can be said and done in a moment of anger that are neither constructive nor appropriate. However, me makes me feel as though I should be apologetic for the emotions themselves. When I'm moody or I've had a bad day, he becomes angry if/when I am uncharacteristically short with him or not as happy and bubbly as I generally am. I would never make him feel as though he should be apologetic for experiencing anger/frustration/sadness/etc. I understand that there are more constructive ways for me to vent my emotions and have said before that I'm willing to work on them, but I need him to meet me halfway.

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There may be other issues that are going on in your relationship, but honestly, from reading your original post and your reply, it seems like you are downplaying what just happened- you got drunk and yelled at and embarrassed your bf in front of his friends, and not for the first time.

 

And instead of dealing with this issue- you want to shift things to your bf- saying that he gets mad at you for experiencing/expressing negative emotions, needing to take a break to cool down, etc.

 

Before you even address ANY of those issues, you need to figure out how to deal with your emotions. You can't go around getting drunk and yelling at your bf in front of his friends. It's out of control and disrespectful.

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Just my two cents, but even when you're having a bad day, if you're short with somebody it's OK to apologize. When somebody I'm close to chews me out or acts like a DB, I don't care to speak with them for a period of time either. You don't have to say "Hey, I'm sorry I'm an idiot", but something like, "Hey, it's just been a rough week, and I didn't mean to come down on you like that. I hope you can understand."

 

I was in a relationship where I was constantly attacked, and she had the same mindset as you. "I had a bad day, I shouldn't feel sorry for being grouchy and yelling at you." Nevermind the fact that I wouldn't get the same courtesy... in fact, it was expected of me to apologize if I was angry, short, etc...

 

Sounds to me like you're upset with him for taking some time to cool down, and don't understand why he's angry. Since you expect him to understand your emotions, and don't think you have anything to be sorry for, you should extend him the same respect and allow him time to cool off, and don't expect him to be sorry for his anger over the situation.

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I don't condone my behavior, and I am in no way trying to shift all the blame onto my boyfriend. And I should also point out that we BOTH had too much to drink and that there was no yelling, etc. We did have a disagreement, at which point I told him I thought it would be best for us to go home and discuss things before the situation got out of hand. He refused and instead insisted on staying at the bar to continue drinking. I've since seen and spoken with some of our friends, none of whom believe I said or did anything that would or should have embarrassed him. I was by NO means out of control. Disrespectful perhaps, but not at all out of control.

 

And yes, he does have a tendency of getting angry when I feel anything less than bubbly or happy. He'll tell me to "Stop", as if I'm a child and as though I can just will myself to not be sad or frustrated.

 

I recognize that I need to figure out how to deal with my emotions. Most importantly, i need to refrain from internalizing my feelings until they reach a point where I vent in an inappropriate manner and at an inappropriate time. This is something that we have discussed before and that we BOTH need to work on.

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You were both at fault, alcohol can cause big problems. I think you are both to blame, and that you obviously both solve arguments differently. You like to face the problem and get on with it, he needs time and space to calm down.

 

He probably genuinley does need time to deal with his issues. He may have found the rape thing hard to deal with because he'd trusted you and maybe felt you hadnt trusted him doesnt make him reacting angrily right but maybe he has too many issues himself to properly dealw ith yours.

 

As long as you are both working on things thats great.

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