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Marton04

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I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out - I just came back from having dinner with the ex's sister and just found out he had lied more to me. I'm devastated because for him to lie to my face and not have a care in the world - it pains me so deeply. I'm heartbroken all over again.

 

I had dinner with his sister because she gave us a dinner voucher for Xmas which we had been saving up to use and which expires in June. Since I couldn't go with him, I suggested his sister should come with me since she bought the voucher for us. Now some would say still being in contact with his sister is a bad idea but she's never done anything wrong to me so this time around, I've kept her as a facebook friend and I've kept her number. Last time I deleted everything relating to him though but I figure why should I do it to her this time around?

 

However in a casual conversation, she mentioned about my ex's car accident that he had with his new car not long ago. I found out from her that it was done while he was drink driving while out when he told me it happened on his way over to my house in wet weather over the freeway when a lady cut him off! I felt bad because I asked him to come over to see me so for him to blatantly lie to my face about this - it's devastating. And to add to this, finding out he still does drugs, I'm pretty sure our whole relationship was a lie. I don't know what is the truth and what is a lie anymore. He played me for a fool and I feel like such an idiot. This lie about the car may seem small but to me, it's the basis for alot of things... I feel like I don't even know the real him. I thought I did but I think he had so many secrets, some I probably don't even know about yet. I was just someone for him to feel in his time with and someone who he could take advantage of!

 

Tonight I wanted to have it out with him... was so intent on calling him or texting him because he still hasn't had the guts to break up with me face to face after 3 years together. Tonight I find out that he's telling people smugly that he's single now and that he wants to travel overseas and live overseas next year (good luck with that when you have no money!). But what's killing me is that I have to hold my tongue for now because to contact him 2 weeks after he's broken up with me would not change anything. Sure he might feel bad for a second but that won't do anything. He says that I'm right about alot of things that I said but has that changed anything? He says he realizes he needs alot of growing up to do - but has that changed anything - he's still going out every weekend partying it up. He hasn't changed because he doesn't want to change right now. He's loving life and being single right now. Right now I can't wait for the day when he feels low, when he's down in the dumps and finally contacts me (I'm pretty sure he will since he did last time - as to when.. I don't know but he will... even his sister says so). But I can't wait for this day because then I will be able to tell him everything... from how he's broken my heart for the second time to opening his eyes up to his selfish, insensitive, heartless act.

 

I just feel like everything was fake - from the boyfriend himself to all his confessions of love and promise... all lies! He's not the guy I made him out to be - I thought he was better and it breaks my heart to think that he did exactly the same thing to me as my last ex did also. Pretty much perfected a life with me but in actual fact living another life and saying and pretending things to convince me and themselves that everything was fine.

 

Lies!!

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In a way it seems like you'll have it much easier getting over him because of the things you shared. That's way better than struggling with a break up for years and years.

 

What do you mean by it being easier to get over him because of the things we shared - wouldn't that seem harder?

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Remember what he lied about...being drunk while driving, and taking drugs. People who are drunks and drug addicts lie. Do you really think he is all that happy? Drunks and drug addicts are not happy..they are forever looking for their next fix. Don't take this personally..did you really expect him to say that he crashed the car while driving drunk? Drunks and drug addicts try to cover the tracks. He did not like to you to feel smug and have one over on you...he lied to you because he knew you would disapprove (and rightfully so). Kind of like when a teenager lies to his/her parents after having done something wrong. They don't want to suffer the consequences so they lie. Your ex has never really left his teenage years so he views anyone who will disapprove of his wild ways as a parent. You can't have a mature relationship with this man..he is too much a wild teenager...and with wild teenagers, you have to take their lies with a huge grain of salt.

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I know Crazyaboutdogs..... I understand that he lied to me about the car because I would have blasted him for it but that's the thing... he is so irresponsible, he's lost about 4 mobile phones while out, he's lost a $500 jacket - everything he does I always have the upperhand on because I know I'm right. Why couldn't he have just been responsible? He did this ALL the time, feels bad for it for a little bit, claims that this is his wake up call, I believe him and then it happens again .. he's not a man, he's still a boy. I just can't do this anymore.. sure I can take his lies with a grain of salt but at the same time, what if everything he says has been a lie?

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I know Crazyaboutdogs..... I understand that he lied to me about the car because I would have blasted him for it but that's the thing... he is so irresponsible, he's lost about 4 mobile phones while out, he's lost a $500 jacket - everything he does I always have the upperhand on because I know I'm right. Why couldn't he have just been responsible? He did this ALL the time, feels bad for it for a little bit, claims that this is his wake up call, I believe him and then it happens again .. he's not a man, he's still a boy. I just can't do this anymore.. sure I can take his lies with a grain of salt but at the same time, what if everything he says has been a lie?

 

 

I don't think you can assume that everything he says is a lie. He probably did have feelings for you...the thing is he just wants to live a carefree, responsible-free life with booze and drugs and fun times. His values and goals in life were just not compatible with yours. People can have feelings for another person and yet know that their life goals are incompatible thus making a relationship impossible.

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I don't think you can assume that everything he says is a lie. He probably did have feelings for you...the thing is he just wants to live a carefree, responsible-free life with booze and drugs and fun times. His values and goals in life were just not compatible with yours. People can have feelings for another person and yet know that their life goals are incompatible thus making a relationship impossible.

 

Yes but he should have either realized this the first time he broke up with me instead of pulling me back in with more lies or he should have made it work with us, not to do this to me the second time around!!

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As much as you mean well, you can't fix him, he has to grow up on his own, you can't be a parent to him.

 

I would back off, and try to move forward. Also, I would stay away from being in contact with his sister, since you don't need to know what he's doing, and it's only keeping you in the same spot.

 

All the best...

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As much as you mean well, you can't fix him, he has to grow up on his own, you can't be a parent to him.

 

I would back off, and try to move forward. Also, I would stay away from being in contact with his sister, since you don't need to know what he's doing, and it's only keeping you in the same spot.

 

All the best...

 

I don't want to be a mother to him, that's the worst thing I could think of to want to be but I felt that sometimes I had to ask him to do certain things or remind him to do certain things because he was so irresponsible.

 

Anyway, I'm not going to call or anything.. as much as I want to go off at him, I'm holding my tongue for now and like I said, i'm just waiting for the day when he feels so incredibly down, that's when he'll contact me and that's when I will be able to get everything off my chest!

 

As for his sister, I won't be seeing her on a regular basis and I have asked her not to tell me anything about him unless it's good news which I doubt any of it would be

 

This has just been a major hiccup in my journey to recovery.. tomorrow is a new day. It was just so hard after I had built myself up after 2 weeks to not think too much or care too much... it was such a major blow to the heart all over again

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I meant the things you shared with us in this topic, sorry for not being clear.

 

Oh.. gotcha now Yes and no.. my head agrees with what you're saying. It would be easy to get over him because of everything that he's done to me. I feel incredibly hurt by it all and realize that this guy has major issues and he obviously doesn't love me enough to want me in his life.

 

My heart however still has fond memories of us lying in bed cuddling each other, being all lovey together and thinking he can't have fake those emotions? Can he?

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Oh.. gotcha now Yes and no.. my head agrees with what you're saying. It would be easy to get over him because of everything that he's done to me. I feel incredibly hurt by it all and realize that this guy has major issues and he obviously doesn't love me enough to want me in his life.

 

My heart however still has fond memories of us lying in bed cuddling each other, being all lovey together and thinking he can't have fake those emotions? Can he?

 

No, but emotions don't always translate into commitment and actions. This is particularly true of people who WANT to believe one way but cannot bring themselves to become vulnerable enough to actually be that way. I have done this myself.

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your ex sounds like addict.. and thats what addicts do .. they lie.. to cover their addiction ... to protect their addiction .. to continue their addiciton.

 

His lies, they were nothing against you- he lied to protect his addiciton.

 

But he told me that he doesn't do it all the time, just when he goes out on the Friday night. I told him that it doesn't matter anyway because he's become a user all over again. He's just a pathological liar full stop, drugs or no drugs!

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No, but emotions don't always translate into commitment and actions. This is particularly true of people who WANT to believe one way but cannot bring themselves to become vulnerable enough to actually be that way. I have done this myself.

 

So do you mean that even though he had those emotions then, he couldn't use those to commit to me?

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That is the hardest thing. When you are faced with thinking your entire relationship had lies. That is why I have 0 trust for my ex. He has begun lying to me recently, and I don't care if we are not together.. I don't deserve it when he is telling me he "loves me".

 

I hardly believe a word that comes out of his mouth anymore. I feel our two year relationship was a big fat lie, and everything he said and tried to show me about him thinking I was "the one" and how much of a good guy he was.. It is all BS.

 

Stronger then me though, I ended up telling my ex off when he confessed things to me.... It DID not make me feel good. It made me feel gross. It made me cry more, I thought with my emotion and not my logic. It doesn't make you feel any different, trust me.. The lies will still always be there and my ex gave me no good explanation.. Then again, how could he.

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Cliche but actions speak louder than words - even though I've been saying that to the ex for a long time now, it's only now that I've realized I've seen no action from him... lots of fake promises and sweet loving lies but no action. He was good at making me think he loved me and all that crap but now it's just made me untrustworthy of everything...

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So do you mean that even though he had those emotions then, he couldn't use those to commit to me?

 

Right, fear is the great culprit. If he could face his fears he never would have felt the need to lie to you. When people operate out of fear (self included) they are not able to form intimate relationships which are life enhancing for both partners. We also have a limited ability to help anyone face their fears until they are ready. It's mostly an inside job.

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Now some would say still being in contact with his sister is a bad idea

 

Yup, I would/will say that. No need to do that.

 

He's broken up with you more then once? I hope you've learned now and won't go back...

 

You're situation is a classic example of where NC should happen. I recommend you do just that.

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Right, fear is the great culprit. If he could face his fears he never would have felt the need to lie to you. When people operate out of fear (self included) they are not able to form intimate relationships which are life enhancing for both partners. We also have a limited ability to help anyone face their fears until they are ready. It's mostly an inside job.

 

He has a fear of being in a committed relationship, I think he also has a fear of letting anyone truly in, I think he has a fear of seeming weak and therefore won't seek help for his issues, I think he has a fear of not being liked by people (always needing that attention and being around the action), I think he is an insecure person underneath that "confident" exterior..

 

He has many fears and many issues - none of which he is facing right now.

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But he told me that he doesn't do it all the time, just when he goes out on the Friday night. I told him that it doesn't matter anyway because he's become a user all over again. He's just a pathological liar full stop, drugs or no drugs!

 

 

and you believe him?

 

stay NC with him and anyone in his life... what lies he told ..what truth he told... does not matter... the only way you are going to move forward in your healing is to put your focus entirely and completely on you.

 

focus on healing and not on investigating or questioning what HE was about ... focus on what YOU

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He has a fear of being in a committed relationship, I think he also has a fear of letting anyone truly in, I think he has a fear of seeming weak and therefore won't seek help for his issues, I think he has a fear of not being liked by people (always needing that attention and being around the action), I think he is an insecure person underneath that "confident" exterior..

 

He has many fears and many issues - none of which he is facing right now.

 

While I understand the reasons that married people stick with a spouse who is behaving like your ex, especially if there are children involved, I see no reason why you should subject yourself to his irrational behavior. It will not help him and it will certainly not help you.

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and you believe him?

 

stay NC with him and anyone in his life... what lies he told ..what truth he told... does not matter... the only way you are going to move forward in your healing is to put your focus entirely and completely on you.

 

focus on healing and not on investigating or questioning what HE was about ... focus on what YOU

 

I know right now it should be all about me but because it's still so fresh, there are still so many questions, still so many things that I now question about the relationship. I would never ever do those things that he has done to me to anyone and I just struggle alot with the fact that he could do that to someone who he says he loves to death... I know I shouldn't question anything he says or does but I just can't help it. Knowing that he's done this has just made me believe it was all lies

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