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Men with the view of 'women belong in the kitchen'


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My boyfriend seems to have the view that a womans place is in the kitchen. he says this a lot, and usually its joking, but im wondering if he does actually think it.

 

We talked about children one day and he said that he hated woman who go all out to get their career and at 40, cry coz they cant have kids. He wants the mother to stay home and raise the kids, and not send them off to day care (unless money is an issue and both parents need to work). But the career he is going for, that wouldnt' be a problem.

 

He 'jokes' a hell of a lot about my place is in the kitchen, waiting for him to come home, prepare his meals, wait on him, raise the kids, clean, 'please him sexually'...

 

In my mind, i dont have a problem with being a 'housewive/mother' - than striving for a high powered career. Thats just not me..

 

but is it a bit bad for the guy to have this strong view?

 

We watched a tv show and a guy on the show said that a womans place is in the kitchen and he screamed out ""YES!!!!!!!!!!"

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Are you sure that these comments don't bother you? If they didn't you wouldn't be asking these questions. You have every right to be upset about these comments. He doesn't have any right to talk about where anyone belongs, except himself. These are things that you have to sort out through before you even think about marriage before it becomes an actual problem instead of just comments. Do you want to be a stay at home mom? Would you like to take most of the responsibilities when it comes to the kids or do you want to split it?

In my opinion these comments are extremely scary (for me). Before I marry anyone I would like to make sure that they are going to do everything that I am, meaning chores, cooking and taking care of the kids. You have to make sure it's what you want before you get married.

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The important thing is whether this is apparent in his actions rather than his words. My boyfriend makes similar jokes sometimes. But he is clearly kidding - usually joining me in the kitchen to make food after saying something like that. He'll say things like yours said, like agreeing with a tv show. But he is very supportive of me and my "career". We're only in college now, but in terms of helping each other find internships and pick good classes, etc... I can tell he clearly doesn't actually see me as belonging in the kitchen even if he makes those jokes.

 

If your guy shows that view point in both actions and words, then I'd say he's a jerk, even if you are okay being a stay-at-home mom. If the words bother you, then its also a problem. I know many girl-friends who hate those kind of jokes - one friend kicked her bf in a bad place when he said something like that... I personally don't mind the words as long as actions show they're clearly not meant literally.

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Being a stay at home mom is really, really hard. They don't tell you how hard it is. It's not a Get Out Of Work Free card. When I came back to work from staying home with my daughter for a year, I was SO relieved.

 

There is no structure to your day, there is no reason to do your hair in the mornings, so sometimes you don't, and then you feel like crap all day. It can be very boring, so you find yourself going on the Internet all day, and then feeling like a loser with no life. It can be really hard to make friends because all your old friends are busy living the single life and don't want to hang out with a baby. But since you're home all day, you don't have much of an opportunity to meet other moms. Then you sign up for a Mommy Meetup Playdate, and find that the other moms are boring and judgemental and simply not people you want to hang out with. It's impossible to keep your home clean, although it seems like you spend all your time and energy trying, because as soon as you clean a room, your husband and kids come through like a tornado, with absolutely no respect for the work you have put in. They simply expect you to cook and clean for them, but they stop appreciating it real fast, because they figure that's just your job. Nobody thanks you. You take care of them when they're sick, but when you're sick, they still expect you to cook and clean, and they tell you to quit whining. Your husband thinks he's Mr.Hero and doing you the biggest favor by "letting" you stay home and take care of him. So if ever you complain or have a bad day, he thinks you're just an ungrateful brat. Then you become completely miserable and can't stop complaining, so he starts spending his weekends out with the friends, leaving you once again alone and bored. ....Ah, should I go on?

 

...Now, all of the above is with a fairly supportive husband who respects you as his equal. I can't even imagine the hell you're going to be living in with this sexist man.

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the ONLY thing that matters is that he RESPECTS the woman. just because a woman works as a stay-at-home it doesnt mean that they dont have their spouses RESPECT.

for decades and generations families were stylized this way, there is nothing wrong with it essentially. Except when one party thinks that the other is 'better' than the other by it. SOME DONT!

So it depends on what he feels towards a woman who is stay at home. If he thinks that thats the best way to raise children and a family, and that a man should financially support the house thats one thing. But if he thinks women need to do that because they are useless elsewhere, thats TOTALLY different!

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Some guys still hold these old-fashioned views. It's certainly not unheard of. You need to decide whether this is something that you can live with or not. If you get married and he wants you to stay in the kitchen, then is that something you will be able to put up with? If not, then you might want to rethink being in a relationship with him. He's probably hinting this stuff in a joking way now to see how you respond. If this is what he wants, then I highly doubt he would propose to someone who doesn't want this.

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the ONLY thing that matters is that he RESPECTS the woman. just because a woman works as a stay-at-home it doesnt mean that they dont have their spouses RESPECT.

for decades and generations families were stylized this way, there is nothing wrong with it essentially. Except when one party thinks that the other is 'better' than the other by it. SOME DONT!

So it depends on what he feels towards a woman who is stay at home. If he thinks that thats the best way to raise children and a family, and that a man should financially support the house thats one thing. But if he thinks women need to do that because they are useless elsewhere, thats TOTALLY different!

 

yeah, for sure.

 

I do think his view on it comes from he believes its a better way to raise children and a family.

 

He had a very bad childhood and a bad father himself...maybe he wants to do it differently?

 

and to him, i probably had the 'picture perfect childhood'. ...

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Some guys still hold these old-fashioned views. It's certainly not unheard of. You need to decide whether this is something that you can live with or not. If you get married and he wants you to stay in the kitchen, then is that something you will be able to put up with? If not, then you might want to rethink being in a relationship with him. He's probably hinting this stuff in a joking way now to see how you respond. If this is what he wants, then I highly doubt he would propose to someone who doesn't want this.

 

He could very well be... i dont think its the only thing he's ''testing' out by hints..

 

I supose im somewhat more traditional, and am fine with that - obviously, id be in for a shock if and when it happened!! i can probably only picture 1% of the stuff that a stay at home mum or housewive deals with day in and day out...

 

his parents divorced when he was 3. I know he only wants to marry someone if he knows it'll last... (but nothing is a guarentee these days is it?).

 

I guess with that, and a bad child hood, he wants somethig better and thinks this is it, coz he didn't have that?

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What happens when you've been staying home for three years and you're unhappy and want to return to work?

 

I have a friend who has been staying home for 5 years with her two little kids. She's depressed and has even been suicidal at times. You'll hear her suggesting that it would be nice to send the kids to daycare, and her husband will go, "nope, that's just not safe. I won't let someone else raise my kids." Like come on, the woman wants to end her life! Wouldn't a little bit of flexibility be appropriate at this point??!?

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I'd be a bit worried if he is so serious (not in a joking way) about it.

 

What if you totally hate being a stay at home mom? What if it makes you depressive? etc... It's totally not for everyone and it wasn't for me.

At least the boyfriend is mostly always grateful of the cooking... I tell him cook yourself and he shrivles in fear in the corner of the apartment

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What happens when you've been staying home for three years and you're unhappy and want to return to work?

 

I have a friend who has been staying home for 5 years with her two little kids. She's depressed and has even been suicidal at times. You'll hear her suggesting that it would be nice to send the kids to daycare, and her husband will go, "nope, that's just not safe. I won't let someone else raise my kids." Like come on, the woman wants to end her life! Wouldn't a little bit of flexibility be appropriate at this point??!?

 

WOW.

 

my guy has said that to a point aswell, doesn't want others to raise his kids...

 

guess its easy for me to say now that once the kids become of school/preschool age, i want to go back to work part time or something at least, but getting that to happen could be an entirely different story couldn't it? he could jsut agree for the sake of agreeing at the start....

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There is often a bit (or a lot) of truth behind jokes, especially if they are consistent.

 

We had a friend who used to joke like this and we would all laugh it off. Nobody took him seriously. Then a girl from our group of friends started dating him and one night when he was drunk, he started telling her this really disturbing stuff about the role of women. She broke up with him immediately.

 

If nothing else, I would have a very candid discussion with him about this.

 

Just a question - you say he didn't have such a great childhood. Was his father disrespectful toward women? Perhaps he's just repeating what he's heard over and over.

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I'd be a bit worried if he is so serious (not in a joking way) about it.

 

What if you totally hate being a stay at home mom? What if it makes you depressive? etc... It's totally not for everyone and it wasn't for me.

At least the boyfriend is mostly always grateful of the cooking... I tell him cook yourself and he shrivles in fear in the corner of the apartment

 

haha.. i have no idea... I dont know that side of him yet, to see if he will get food when he wants or expects me to make it for him. We dont live together, and when we see each other its all that 'fun stuff' so far...

 

he does say a LOT - joking of course 'get me a beer b*itch'.

 

at one point, he said it constantly, but also through msn, texts, and occasionaly in person but rarely, that was the first thing he used to say all the time....but i took it as joking

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He could very well be... i dont think its the only thing he's ''testing' out by hints..

 

I supose im somewhat more traditional, and am fine with that - obviously, id be in for a shock if and when it happened!! i can probably only picture 1% of the stuff that a stay at home mum or housewive deals with day in and day out...

 

his parents divorced when he was 3. I know he only wants to marry someone if he knows it'll last... (but nothing is a guarentee these days is it?).

 

I guess with that, and a bad child hood, he wants somethig better and thinks this is it, coz he didn't have that?

 

What he wants doesn't really matter if it's something that you do not want. It will be an incompatibility and it will put a lot of strain on the relationship. This is not just a minor preference here. Are you fine with being a stay at home mother for a good 10 years? If you decide you don't want to stay home anymore, is he going to flip out because you want to start working and won't be there to make his meals for him?

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There is often a bit (or a lot) of truth behind jokes, especially if they are consistent.

 

We had a friend who used to joke like this and we would all laugh it off. Nobody took him seriously. Then a girl from our group of friends started dating him and one night when he was drunk, he started telling her this really disturbing stuff about the role of women. She broke up with him immediately.

 

If nothing else, I would have a very candid discussion with him about this.

 

Just a question - you say he didn't have such a great childhood. Was his father disrespectful toward women? Perhaps he's just repeating what he's heard over and over.

 

Maybe there is, he has a few 'jokes' or themes of jokes that are very very repetitive...about this sort of thing actually...

 

His father was a massive alcoholic and a little verbally abusive . Im not sure on all details. He didnt really have a father growing up....

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What he wants doesn't really matter if it's something that you do not want. It will be an incompatibility and it will put a lot of strain on the relationship. This is not just a minor preference here. Are you fine with being a stay at home mother for a good 10 years? If you decide you don't want to stay home anymore, is he going to flip out because you want to start working and won't be there to make his meals for him?

 

I dont know. I haven't been with im long enough to know how he will react in certain siutations. So far things are good, but who knows if its this topic..

 

he's also made it perfectly clear that he wants the woman to take his surname, and no hyphenated last names either...

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Boy, he seems to carry lots of expectations.

Personally I would not feel very comfortable with any expectations put on me. I like to keep my options open (minus the sleeping with others, I can commit).

 

Thankfully, I'm with someone who couldn't care much less for just about anything that goes with marriage, traditionalism etc... It doesn't seem like you feel as strongly as I do about those topics though so it might not be an issue for you lol!

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If you don't feel your place is in the kitchen, then he isn't right for you.

That's like expecting him to stay around when you have the expectation that he periodically morph into a hawk and shoot laser beams out of his eyes.

 

He likely won't do that for you. Why should you do that for him if it's not in you?

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When anyone says I should be in the kitchen I tell them the only thing I'll be cooking is their balls in the oven!

 

I am horrible at cooking anyway plus being a housewife would make me miserable. The dependancy is horrible and I want to be my own person rather than a little wifey who stays at home and rears children. It's just not me. I want to make my own money so that no man can ever * * * * * at me for buying myself a treat every now and then. I want my own money as a safety thing.

 

I am not likely to have kids but if I did I would set down some ground rules. Such as if I don't feel comfortable with breast feeding then they are not allowed to * * * * * . If I wanted a C section instead of a natural childbirth then they are not allowed to * * * * * as it is my body. If I need some time alone then they need to be ok with watching the kids alone sometimes. If I want to go back to work and have a nanny or some sort of childcare for the kid they they are not allowed to * * * * * unless they wish to stay at home instead.They need to be ok with doing 50% of the work at least, maybe even more because while I know it isn't fair I have real depression issues and I think I'd end up breaking down under too much pressure. That includes the things men seem to hate like nappy changing and waking up in the night to feed the baby. I want help with it all. Equal help. If they won't do that then it is justanother reason for me to either not have kids or to run for the hills.

 

For cooking and cleaning, I want that 50/50. I want to keep my job no matter what and I want to be allowed to go and see my friends sometimes and have the man watch the kids for a while, I would do the same for him some nights too. I don't want to rely on a man's money and I don't want him to feel like the head of the house when it should be a joint position. I want my freedom still no matter what and if any man told me he wanted me as a housewife in the kitchen rearing children I'd be out of there quicker than you can say "who let you out of the kitchen?".

 

Luckily my boyfriend says that if we get to that stage he'd do everything with me. He does still think bottle feeding isn't great but I tell him that if we get to that stage then he can learn how to breast feed if he wants to do it because I don't want to be the one entirely responsible for feeding the baby He's happy with me to work and despite making stupid jokes he agrees that we should make things equal.

 

I also said that if I got married I'd want to either keep my last name or to hyphonate the two. I don't want to lose my name because I feel that I am being taken away from my roots if I change it. I am from my family I was not raised by his and that is why I feel that my family's name should stick with me.

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I agree with the whole respecting thing but listen, if he's so insistent, even through jokes, that the woman's place is in the kitchen, chances are, he won't respect her decision if she, let's say, wants 'out of the kitchen'. Plus, do you really really want to do ALL the work? Don't you want a 50/50 balance?

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Well, a woman does not "belong" in a kitchen. That's a pretty immature statement.

 

I look at it this way, whoever is going to make more money to support the family, needs to work. I dont care if that's a man or woman or cat or dog, I wouldn't mind being a stay at home dad I dont think.

 

This isn't the 60s.

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