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Sigh.. my dating situation turned upside down- am i dumb for stickin around?

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quick background

was single for 2 1/2 years - tired of relationships - been in and out of them since 6th grade. ran accross someone on a dating site - talked to her for a month just online before we met - she's 4 years my senior - went out with her 4 times, had a blast each time, text almost everyday and just recently upgraded to calling


well i had a big dilemma recently about how i wasn't really sure how she felt about me despite we both having such a great time.. i surprised her at work today with a bouquet of chocolate covered strawberries from ediblearrangements (tips for the guys- woman love this stuff!) and she absolutely loved it. i also did it because well.. i was ready to stop everything if she only saw me as jus a "friend" or wasn't interested and just wanted to give her a nice gesture to thank her for the good time. we finally had a real talk today because i wanted clarification of what the hell she feels about me


pretty much she was in the situation that i was in.. been in and out of relationships since she was young...her last bf was 3 months ago and i guess it was one of those where he was good in the beginning.. then found out he really wasn't the way he presented himself to be but it was too late and he fallen for him.... well i already had my time "alone"... she was saying she wants her time to date because she's never dated before and she wants to do that before she gets married.. and i can't blame her. she told me that the next person she's with.. she wants it to be the "one"..and i told her i feel exactly the same way.


keep in mind that we're both the "nice" type.. usually the one in the relationship where we're both the one that's giving too much in the relationship and the other person is an ass


anyway, she told me that she really sees potential in us..(we even discussed our morales and how we feel about how we want our future marriage to be like.. kids etc the whole works) and a part of her wants to be selfish and wants me to stick around but she said she can't ask me to do that obviously because she has her mind set on dating other people before she gets married because she's never done it before and wants to do it before she gets married and obviously wants to see what's out there... she said she's not really going out of her way to search for guys and would obviously compare all of them to me... she's the genuine type.. we both are as the first words in our profile were both "we want someone honest, doesn't front, etc etc".. just real down to earth so i feel like she really means everything she says.. tells me what i did today was seriously one of the sweetest things a guy has done for her (maybe she had * * * * * * * boyfriends? i didn't ask)


i told her i need to think about it.. because i am patient.. i dont give a * * * * about sleeping with her, making out and all that crap- i want to settle down and she feels the same way..


called her back and told her that i really love what i see in her...she has a beautiful face that i can wake up to and seriously a genuine, down to earth personality and we get along great and share the same morales and ideas of how a marriage and life should be like.. and because of that i told her i will stick around.... obviously she told me she wants me to date too and we both agreed that we will tell each other if we end up seeing each other as nothing but friends or we found someone else that would better fit our life.


but the type of person i am.. i know it's going to kill me inside emotionally because..... i've been in relationships where i'm the one giving and giving and not really recieving * * * * back emotionally in return.. and i feel like ima be going through the same thing again... emotionally i'm already kinda hurt because i let myself (already) get kinda attached even though i told myself not to. i guess what i'm saying is... i know she's going to cross my mind everyday.. we'll be talking and hangin out on the weekends probably and all this.. yet i won't know (we agreed not to tell each other if we're going on a date with someone else) if she's goin out with someone else... and i just feel like ima be always wondering if she's going to end up settling for or finding someone older than her, more established (i'm still in college with a whatevers job.. but she seems to really not care.. i think she really only cares about personality- me too- which is really cool.. another reason i dig her) and all those type of thoughts are going to be running through my head


i guess what i'm saying is i think ima be sacrificing some emotional pain- (which i'll never show her.. i jus keep it to myself.. i never tell my friends etc...i dont' want to be looked at as a downer) only for the fact that just maybe... just MAYBE she could the one....


so please tell me, am i being rediculous? should i just say goodbye? has anyone been in a similar situation? i just want some feedback and thoughts on this... sorry for so long i'm just kinda sad and emotionally distressed because i'm scared that ima stick around and do all this * * * * just to find out i'm not the one...


it'd be ok if i was the type that got dates all the time (i am a good lookin guy and a great guy so women always say.. im just never in those social situations..always jus hang out with "the guys") .. but i know i prob wont go on a single date during this period


sigh any thoughts?


edit: i just wanted to emphasize that she really seems to like me... i was doubtful at first but from the words and the way we talk i can tell she really thinks i can be that one and told me she knows she's a great girlfriend and normally she could jus give that to me yada yada.. but she needs to do this whole dating thing for herself...


edit 2: after rereading what i wrote... i make it seem like im set that she's the one or something but obviously that's not the case.. we both just want our next relationship to be with someone that has the potential of ending in marriage.. i'm obviously still getting to know her and vice versa

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She's already explained to you that she needs to get out there and date a bit for her own peace of mind (and good for her for being so honest about it). If you were to enter into a relationship with her right now, there would be the risk of her feeling trapped or resentful of not being able to "live free" while she had the opportunity.


On the flip side, you both seem like kind, genuine people who could provide each other with the kind of love you each deserve.


So this is where some soul searching would come in: I think this really becomes a question of how much pain you're willing to endure vs. how big the payoff will be. Ask yourself a) is she worth the potential heartbreak if you wait it out and things never progress? b) is it worth the potential heartbreak to let her go completely?


I don't have any advice on this one other than to set your own pain threshold - either way it could end up hurting you. I think you need to decide which pain you're more willing to endure, and which outcome is more probable.


Good luck.

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How long have you two been seeing each other? It just seems to me that you haven't been seeing each other long enough (I might be wrong here not sure) to be talking about marriage already. You might be freaking her out with all the marriage talk especially since she doesn't seem ready to go down that road yet.


You do seem like a genuinely nice guy though, and if she wants to date other people you should let her but I wouldn't stick around to watch. You alone should be enough for her.

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Guitargirl- thank you for that, my thoughts have been scrambled and u really broke it down for me thx. Yea I guess its hard to give an opinion on this.. Its like either route I take really sucks sigh


Bebe- yea we haven't been dating long.. Maybe it jus feels like we have because ever since we found each other online we had a lot of indepth convos so even though there's still a lot to learn about each other.. How we felt about marriage and future has been brought up a few times.. I don't think I ever brought it up to her at a level where shed feel weird about it. I figure that would be the majority consensus.. that most people wouldn't stick around. I kno I should be enough for her too and she even implied that in her own words, its jus that she's set on her plan, almost as if she's sorry


Anymore thoughts/opinions are welcome!

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Do you generally rush into relationships?


My advice to you would be to perhaps continue to date her casually but to not put all of your eggs in one basket. I would say you should be dating several ladies for a few months before deciding which one you really have feelings for.


It sounds like your questions and conversation with her stem from insecurities and wanting to know where you stand. I would suggest letting your feelings of connection, not fear of disconnection, lead you in this process. Good luck.

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ms darcy - yea i think i do generally rush into relationships.. i mean i don't plan it that way it just ends up like that i guess? and generally not to even sound cocky or nothing but every girl i ever really wanted to get with i generally was able to get and i would be with them for a while.. never a couple month type thing


i do like your advice though and i appreciate it. i really wish i could date several woman at once lol but like her i kinda never dated before.. it's just relationships- i would like to but like i stated in my original post these days.. im having trouble in that department. highschool was so easy for me as i knew everyone in the city, but after that.. it was only through friends hooking me up.. now i'm stuck =T


"It sounds like your questions and conversation with her stem from insecurities and wanting to know where you stand. I would suggest letting your feelings of connection, not fear of disconnection, lead you in this process. Good luck."


thanks i think i really needed to hear that as i think that's very true in my personality



more thoughts/advice appreciated please! (even if your thoughts are just restating someone else's post!) i just want to bookmark this page on my iphone so i can look at your guys comments when im flippin out

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