Insecurity about my hermit past...

[noneStar]

For a very long time, I hid from the world..still to do, but not as much. I've changed and become a lot more outgoing but I still feel "shy" when it comes to talking about my past, especially to potential "interests".

 

The topic is always comes up when we start talking about experiences in HS, university, etc. and I really don't have too much to offer without revealing my "weakness". And even when I trust them enough to explain how I had been, I don't think they believe me or get it...

 

It makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

Can anybody relate?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

What is there to be ashamed of. Perhaps you were a hermit back then but you must have had solo interests and hobbies during that time that can make for interesting discussions.

[perplunk]

I think it's all about how you see it. I'm pretty similar. Didn't have many friends in HS or college. When asked about it I used to get very defensive thinking that people would see how I felt about myself...

 

What I realized though was I actually have a bit of an understandable circumstance. I realized coming out of middle school that my circle of friends that I had had forever were toxic for me. So I dumped them. Now when people ask why I don't have many friends, I actually proudly tell them that I had the courage in middle school to get rid of almost all of my friends, and therefore it's understandable that going into highschool I had very few friends and was very weary of making friends with the wrong sort again. I also tell them that it took me a long time to realize this about myself and that I'm a better more observant person now because of it.

 

If people don't understand that, then that's their problem. Everyone has problems. Especially when we were younger; smart people understand that it takes time to lift yourself out of that and move on.

 

So I'd say you should work on understanding why you are who you are. You shouldn't be looking to put yourself down nor give yourself excuses for continuing old habits. The past is past and what is done is done.

[noneStar]

Well, there's this feeling that this other person is judging me based on the standards that I have for being a "winner". And I find that I have this need to "justify" my past, for not being outgoing, for not being confident, etc.

 

I can relate to what you've written perplunk about going through a stage where I cut people off after middle school. For me this had more to do with avoiding a serious clash of cultural values at home, coming from a traditional muslim family and living in a predominately WASP neighborhood.

 

And I understand that the past is past, and what's done is done...but I guess I have hard time believing people won't judge me as harshly as I judge myself.

[Xplode]

its not a weakness,mate girls like a guy that hasnt been around the block., use that to your advantage. like i do =)

 

just little things like, i was shy, and prefferd to get to know girls before i took it further.

 

when really i was just to shy to go out with a girl one on one.

 

good to hear your progressing out of it. i found working on myself build confidence, body shape, muscles etc. and bought a jets ski. something to flash around a little. without being like "let me take you out in my ferrari, to the most expensive restaurant in town.

[noneStar]

i've already got to the point where they "like" me, but I have a feeling that attraction is surface level, based on appearances or what they think of me...

 

i'm just insecure if they find out that deep down im something different than what they think i am, things will change...i dunno.

[ellandroader]

i've already got to the point where they "like" me, but I have a feeling that attraction is surface level, based on appearances or what they think of me...

 

i'm just insecure if they find out that deep down im something different than what they think i am, things will change...i dunno.

 

Hey there, your original post sounds just like me. I too had courage in my convictions and kept myself to myself, didn't follow the crowd, was shy, quiet, unassuming, etc etc.

 

It could be a weakness, it could not be. I am not sure either but I somewhat fear acceptance in a way. I can attract girls, make them laugh, good talker/listener, enjoy my time with them, things I couldn't do before but when we get closer, I worry they will see something about me and not like the "inner me". If I went by my track record, it seems to be evident.

 

You just gotta practice in social situations, get to know yourself more through activities, dealing with people etc.

 

All the best...I know how you feel.

[MiseryGuts]

It will only be an issue if you make it into one. If you talk negatively about your past, other people will see it as negative.

 

If there is something about you or your past that doesn't fit "the norm" it can be a good thing. You have you remember, social norms are how people feel secure. If your life is a carbon copy of everyone else's, then nobody can pull you up about it, right? All you need to do to turn a negative into a positive is to be open, honest, and confident about it. People will respect it.

 

If someone asks you about your friends in high school, you can just come out and say "I didn't have many close friends in high school -- I was pretty shy back then". Be straight about it, don't try and talk around it or cover it up, and certainly don't beat yourself up about it in conversation with someone.

 

Good luck.

[dr_styles]

For a very long time, I hid from the world..still to do, but not as much. I've changed and become a lot more outgoing but I still feel "shy" when it comes to talking about my past, especially to potential "interests".

...

Can anybody relate?

 

Very similar for me however my trouble is talking about my present, which is a result of the past. Being so shy and loner-ish in the past it basically put me back to square-1 socially. It would be, and still is, a notable event (because it's infrequent) to have a "social thing" of some sort with friend/acquaintance.

Just to put in the obligatory family whinge , my parents are surprised at that too. Like I said before I'm in a very non-social family.

 

So I'm just talking and imagining here, but if I was doing ok socially now I don't think I would be insecure about my quiet past, because there's that feeling it won't come up in a conversation.

[Knotty]

I can relate.

 

Just make up some stories, like you traveled the world and did lots of interesting things.

 

Seriously, if you were a hermit then I bet you did lots of soul searching and now you are more mature and have a clearer picture of what you want in the future. Many guys are in their late 20's or 30's and still act like young guys with no serious goals or purpose in life. Use this to your advantage and focus on talking about what your plans for the future are. If you have to mention the past, just minimize it. Say you were focused on yourself. Or you could blame your parents for raising you to not be more assertive, and say that you realize from their mistakes that you will raise your kids differently.

 

There are plenty of people that have been social active and haven't grown at all. Many people have been in long-term relationships for years that sucked and they weren't any better off than you. Almost everyone has wasted a few years of their lives doing something stupid, so don't feel bad.

[ellandroader]

This is a terrific answer and some very sound advice. I certainly fit into the highlighted description above.

[noneStar]

lol, actually i *have* travelled the world and i'm somewhere very far away from home right now....just that i've done a lot of even traveling "alone". i just spent a day wandering all over busan, s. korea alone.

 

and that is a great advice, but even though i've done lots of soul searching, i wouldn't say i have a clearer picture of what i want, other than to be "normal" and feel like i belong to something.