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Girlfriends mom passed away and we split up- do I wait?


adamt

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Hi,

 

I am after some advice.

 

girlfriend's mom passed away after a long illness 2 months ago. We were planning to get a house together (she admitted that changed now because she wants to be near her dad) but as her mom got worse (about 5 months ago she started to push me away and nit picking at things i did which never seemed a problem before. She started going to the gym. I assumed it was just because of the stress. She seems to be going out a lot more and keeping herself busing and feels we have less in common. I realise we had issues in the relationship but we never argued.

 

A month ago she wanted time to think so i gave her space. I got upset and said i didnt want to split up. 3 days later she text me to see if i was ok. i replied saying yes just getting on with things. then after 2 weeks she emailed me to say she missed me,thinking of me and needed time to sort out where we were going wrong and so i said I missed her too. then 2 weeks later she initiated meeting. i was expecting us to get back together but she said she wanted to split up.

 

She broke up with me last weekend saying she thinks we missed our time and her head is all over the place and wants to spend time looking after her dad and it is not fair on me to keep me waiting as there is no time scale on when she will be back to normal. She said she tends to deal with situations by bottling things up and wishes we had talked more about how we feel sooner. i wonder if she feels i have hurt her if she has been bottling things up and wanting me to talk about our relationship or she doesnt want to get hurt and so doesnt want to depend on someone.

 

I've gone into NC mode so that i can move on/deal with it and hope her love for me will come back once she is better at getting over her mom. But her birthday is coming up in 10 days and not sure if i should send a normal birthday card. on one hand i want NC but i want to send a card because she is finding it hard dealing with her mom's death. I'm stuck between 2 stools on what is best.

 

Is she just grieving and this is her way to deal with it or has she been wanting to split up for a while and feel now is the time to change her life.

 

Thanks

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does she want to contact you?

 

I don't think when someone's mum has passed away like that a person is in a normal state of mind. It also might be the time when she needs you for support!

 

When some people grieve, they push away those they are closest too.

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Normally I would say nothing at this point but in these cicrcumstances I think the best thing you can do is send her a birthday wish (ecard/e-mail/etc) saying that "you wish her a happy birthday and you hope you are doing well". No I love yous or anything like that but I think it would be cruel to not send her a card.

 

Also DO NOT contact her. She does not need you pressuring her at this time in her life. If she wants to contact you ok, but you need to respect her wish to be away from you right now.

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does she want to contact you?

 

I don't think when someone's mum has passed away like that a person is in a normal state of mind. It also might be the time when she needs you for support!

 

 

When some people grieve, they push away those they are closest too.

 

Thats the problem she will be grieving and her dad is taking it badly and she is supporting him and taking the place of her mother. I want to support and help her but she has requested we split up and i respect her for wanting that space. I hate sounding selfish in these circumstance but i'm hurting badly because i cant do anything for her and i miss her. I was in tears when we split up because it hurts me not just because i will miss her but when i see her hurting over her mom.

 

At this moment i dont think she wants contact(she knows i'm on MSN so she can log in there where might be easier than speaking), because she probably can't deal with extra emotions and distractions. I just don't want to risk tipping her over the edge or messing it up totally for us. She is quite independent, bottles things up but will break down sometimes if people ask about it. I think i will send a card though.

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This is a tough one. It's hard to know what she's thinking or what she will do as it doesn't seem like she knows either. But she wanted the breakup, so I think it's best to respect her decision. Normally I would say not to send a card, but this is not a normal situation. I think it's fine to go ahead and send her a birthday card since it's so close. Keep the message brief and simple (don't say "I love you"). After that, let her contact you. If everything else in your relationship was fine, it's possible that she simply can't deal with it right now with her mom having died. If that's the case, there's a good chance she'll figure it out and return when she's feeling "normal" again.

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This is a tough one. It's hard to know what she's thinking or what she will do as it doesn't seem like she knows either. But she wanted the breakup, so I think it's best to respect her decision. Normally I would say not to send a card, but this is not a normal situation. I think it's fine to go ahead and send her a birthday card since it's so close. Keep the message brief and simple (don't say "I love you"). After that, let her contact you. If everything else in your relationship was fine, it's possible that she simply can't deal with it right now with her mom having died. If that's the case, there's a good chance she'll figure it out and return when she's feeling "normal" again.

 

I agree with this post, but I have to say everything in the relationship wasn't fine. I would just encourage you to realize that you can have MAJOR problems in a relationship without fighting. That's the nature of bottling things up.

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I would say: be there for her! This is a very tough time for her & she will need all the support. I think that she is not in her 'right' self when she initiated the breakup.

 

Just another question: How old are you both? I don't think an adult person would react that way with her significant partner.

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Ms Darcy, yes i think there were relationship issues. i think we both werent more open and she thinks that if we both cant be more open with each other then how can it work. We should have communicated better. She thinks we had our moment about 8 months ago when we were planning for the future and it has now passed. I've probably been blinkered because of the stress of what she has been going through and thought that was the cause of her pushing away. Thats the bit i am trying to work out if its me or her mom or both. Before her mom got really ill we seem to be fine and planning for the future and had a lot in common. She used to be such a positive girl but when her mum got ill it has taken a lot of the sparkle out of her. I thought she was becoming a bit selfish but i understood that considering the circumstance and maybe she was nick picking at things to confront things in our relationship and get me to respond. I was giving her all the time and space to do what she wanted as i didnt want to put extra pressure on her.

 

MinziGirl, we are both in our mid 30s. We are both quite independent people which hasnt helped I suppose.

 

Maybe saying that she wants to look after her dad now and I shouldn't wait is just her letting me down lightly.

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Its been a week since she dumped me.

 

Had no contact since and this morning waking up is the best i have felt since before the split. I found saturday night quite hard as it is the first saturday i wont have seen her.however i didnt break down as bad as previously. just the odd tears and quick cry. Still waking up early every morning.

 

The funny thing is i had 2 separate dreams about her for the first time last night and each time i woke up my stomach didnt feel as knotted up as previous mornings and it didnt hurt as much when the reality kicked in when i woke up. It feels like new start today. I am starting to feel more detached from her.trying to see her as a stranger and not the girl i spend the first 2 years with.

 

In the last two days when i have broken down i have cried a lot less.

 

At the moment i feel i will send that birthday card just because i care about her and she has had a tough time and not feel a way to get back into her heart. I realise that i cant force her to want to go back out with me.I feel i wont be hanging on for text thanking me for sending the card.

 

Been doing a lot of reading on the internet all week about breaking up,getting over her and getting back together and working out what things i would like to do to keep myself busy. such as start going to the gym and planning weekends away. I have been thinking on what ways i could improve myself now and in my next relationship. what i can learn from this relationship. Also been thinking through what things i didnt like about my exgirlfriend to try to help put me off chasing her. focus on what i like doing and get myself back to how i was 3 years ago just before i met her.

 

in my head i feel i could have quick chat on MSN/facebook just saying hello and what you been upto without getting emotional. However will have to see if how i feel this morning is more permanent.

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Good job. Word of warning though it sounds like you're already maybe aware: in the beginning, it can feel a little surreal and you can easily be in denial without realizing it. So just be aware that it might hit you a little harder later when the reality is fully processed. But it sounds like you're doing great so far and yeah, I don't think sending a birthday card is necessarily a bad thing esp if you're confident you won't dwell on any thank you texts.

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In my opinion and experience all breakups should be handled the same: No contact.

She can come back to you if she likes. But then, you eventually won't take her back.

You don't have to be there for someone who just dumped you.

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i'm waking up and going to sleep ok without problems. But still have my moments when it starts to build up when i think of some of the good times we had. feel it especially in the afternoon at work. i then try to think of the times she might have annoyed me. Starting to come to terms more that its not going to work out. Coming to terms with the idea that she was becoming detached months ago and she felt relationship had gone as far as it would in her busy life.She was probably shutting down already and was just finding it hard to finish it. Today i joined the local gym and plan to go there 3 times a week and focus on myself. nights in is hard.

 

Going to send the card tomorrow (nothing personal) but not using it as something to cling onto. Just out of sympathy for what she has gone through. I will be able to test myself if she sends a brief text thanking me, thats if she bothers. Plan to keep up the no contact and get myself sorted out. I've stopped thinking that a new text message might be her. Still find it hard walking to places which brings back memories.

 

Got a few weekends away planned over the summer. Key at the moment is to get my time filled with active stuff. I've started to make an effort to start look at other women(not in a perverted way, just to make me feel more single )

 

Thinking about it she has changed a lot in the last 12 months. She is a lot more confident than when i met her 3 years ago(very shy back then). Got a new job which made her confident. Her previous job was a bit more dead end and demotivated. Her new job(2 years ago moved nearer) got her a new set of friends and back intouch with old friends. I guess the relationship run its course and if it was going to work out with us we should have made the commitment 12 months ago. however had we bought a house together, we still might be goign through this process but a lot worse. The turn of the year seemed to be the start, she became more selfish. nothing i wouldnt have a problem with just in the past she would be happy to hang out with me. She started going to the gym for last 5 months

 

I guess i thought all the signs were related to her mom's illness. (stuff like nit picking at things that were never a problem previously).They probably weren't. Who knows if i could have done someting about it but then its two people in the relationship. Just will learn from this for the next relationship. already starting to look forward to seeing what is out there, just work out where the places are then go there when i am ready. unfair to drag someone into it when i'm not ready

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I can identify with the nights are hard part.

 

I think you are doing very well to get yourself back to be happy being single. When i broke up with my exs, i made the mistake of staying on the computer in online dating sites looking to chat with any men who might be interested in me online. This brought to me inactivity & of course, the wrong guys who just wanted to lay with me & then walk off. Also, by staying so long online, i developed internet addicition which i had to go thru therapy to cut it off.

 

Meeting people in real life is always the best way to get back into track again & eventually meet someone new.

 

Good luck

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Well looks like we wont be getting back together. Had no contact for 2 weeks now.~(6 weeks intotal if you include a break) Given me time to think whats happens and the conclusion i have come to is

 

I think she has changed from the girl i knew, especially the one I started going out with for the first 2 years. She was more shy and reserved. More homely. Now she seems more confident. (The new job gave her conifidence) She Got lots more friends since moving location/job. She has had a make over recently and lost some weight in last few months and been going to the gym last 6 months. Seen some pictures of her on facebook taken this week and she looks a different girl. Doesnt feel the one i knew. it's like she wants to go through her mid 20s again.

 

Maybe her mum being ill and passing away has changed her and she wants to get out there and have some fun. Doesnt want to have to worry about me in the way. Start of a new chapter for her. Put me and her mum's illness as bad memories to the back of her mind. She was a great girl but at the moment i feel it just wasnt to be with us. Maybe I didnt change from what we were like when we were both comfortable 8 months ago. But she has. She has probably wanted to split up earlier but never got the bottle to do it. Once her mums ashes have been scattered she then wants to move on and so i get the old elbow.

 

It sounds strange but at the moment i feel more happy because probably wasnt anything i could have really done. last 2 weeks i have been constantly thinking it was down to me mostly and i messed things up.

 

Hopefully i can have some closure on it now. its still been up and down thinking about why it went wrong. I dont feel particularly rejected now, she probably just changed quite a bit from the girl i fell in love with. I now think i'm not in love with her anymore as it doesnt seem the same person i knew. back then she would do anything for me but in recent months she became more selfish. Last 4 months she was acting a bit different with me anyway.Time will heal me hopefully.

 

We were doing some of the same things in the last 12 months (but we did other things too)she had been doing for first 2 years which werent a problem back then and she was always happy to hang out with me even if it was just me. last 4-5 months she started to get a bit more selfish and wanted to make sure we met up with a few other people aswell. She used to be more laid back and easy going which is what i am like. Her job of last 2 years is more stressful and demanding.

 

She was always a chatty person so she would talk more than me, which was never a problem. but sometime around december she started to talk less. that was about the time her mom was getting worse. Then the places we liked to go in the past didnt seem to be happening anymore. I struggled to get her to open up to me.

 

she said she felt sad it had finished, i guess she had just changed and couldnt get that feeling back. I realise i could have done some things differently but i feel if you want the relationship to work then you would give it a try at fixing these things first. She said i was the only one she has wanted to settle down with.

 

Thankfully we didnt get that house, that could have made things messy if she had changed like this.

 

She was a pretty girl and intelligent, but she has gone from a pretty plain jane to someone who looks really hot. At the moment i dont feel any jealousy so hopefully i am getting over her. Just dread the day i see her with a new man. although i think at the moment she just wants to hang out with her mates for a while.

 

I've learnt a lot from this and hope to take it into my next relationship

 

Start the gym on monday and now i can look after myself. Then get myself out there meeting people.

 

lets hope this is not a temporary feeling and i can now start to move on.

 

Tonight it doesnt hurt as much. hopefully i will be ok if i bump into her my accident.

 

i hope someone reads this and finds it useful when they are going through a break up.

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Well looks like we wont be getting back together. Had no contact for 2 weeks now.~(6 weeks intotal if you include a break) Given me time to think whats happens and the conclusion i have come to is

 

I think she has changed from the girl i knew, especially the one I started going out with for the first 2 years. She was more shy and reserved. More homely. Now she seems more confident. (The new job gave her conifidence) She Got lots more friends since moving location/job. She has had a make over recently and lost some weight in last few months and been going to the gym last 6 months. Seen some pictures of her on facebook taken this week and she looks a different girl. Doesnt feel the one i knew. it's like she wants to go through her mid 20s again.

 

Maybe her mum being ill and passing away has changed her and she wants to get out there and have some fun. Doesnt want to have to worry about me in the way. Start of a new chapter for her. Put me and her mum's illness as bad memories to the back of her mind. She was a great girl but at the moment i feel it just wasnt to be with us. Maybe I didnt change from what we were like when we were both comfortable 8 months ago. But she has. She has probably wanted to split up earlier but never got the bottle to do it. Once her mums ashes have been scattered she then wants to move on and so i get the old elbow.

 

It sounds strange but at the moment i feel more happy because probably wasnt anything i could have really done. last 2 weeks i have been constantly thinking it was down to me mostly and i messed things up.

 

Hopefully i can have some closure on it now. its still been up and down thinking about why it went wrong. I dont feel particularly rejected now, she probably just changed quite a bit from the girl i fell in love with. I now think i'm not in love with her anymore as it doesnt seem the same person i knew. back then she would do anything for me but in recent months she became more selfish. Last 4 months she was acting a bit different with me anyway.Time will heal me hopefully.

 

We were doing some of the same things in the last 12 months (but we did other things too)she had been doing for first 2 years which werent a problem back then and she was always happy to hang out with me even if it was just me. last 4-5 months she started to get a bit more selfish and wanted to make sure we met up with a few other people aswell. She used to be more laid back and easy going which is what i am like. Her job of last 2 years is more stressful and demanding.

 

She was always a chatty person so she would talk more than me, which was never a problem. but sometime around december she started to talk less. that was about the time her mom was getting worse. Then the places we liked to go in the past didnt seem to be happening anymore. I struggled to get her to open up to me.

 

she said she felt sad it had finished, i guess she had just changed and couldnt get that feeling back. I realise i could have done some things differently but i feel if you want the relationship to work then you would give it a try at fixing these things first. She said i was the only one she has wanted to settle down with.

 

Thankfully we didnt get that house, that could have made things messy if she had changed like this.

 

She was a pretty girl and intelligent, but she has gone from a pretty plain jane to someone who looks really hot. At the moment i dont feel any jealousy so hopefully i am getting over her. Just dread the day i see her with a new man. although i think at the moment she just wants to hang out with her mates for a while.

 

I've learnt a lot from this and hope to take it into my next relationship

 

It sounds like you are pretty numb now buddy. One the one hand, I think it's a good thing that you have been able to recognize that her mother's illness, her new job, and her growing confidence have all played a role in the two of your growing apart. I'm glad that you no longer blame yourself and that you have worked to accept that it was more than likely out of your control.

 

What I am concerned with is you calling her selfish several times. I know you are hurting a little, but I would gently implore you not to make her a villain in your mind either. It's actually a wonderful thing that she has more friends now, is healthier, and is more confident.

 

You noted that she seemed more selfish because she didn't like to hang around with you only anymore and wanted to be around more people and was less easy going. It more so sounds like she just became more extroverted and the demanding job/sick mother made her less able to be easy going anymore. You almost sound a touch threatened by her turning from a plain jane to a hot lady.

 

Here is one bit of advice I want you to remember. A woman made a pact with a man that she married that said this: We promise to give each other the space and support to grow as individuals. They've been together for over 10 years. The point is as you look into the future, I hope that you can be flexible with your partner because that person may grow and change. And in a relationship, YOU should grow and change too. I hope you do. Best of luck to you.

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Had hard day today. I just feel like picking the phone up and just speaking to her. Not particularly about the relationship just for a chit chat like in the old days of the relationship. Someone to just talk about what been happening and gossip. But i know we will just chat like friends and i will get hurt in the end. Feel like i have got a short temper coming on at work when i feel a bit angry that things have ended up like this.

 

We lived in different towns but planned to move in in spring 2009. Looking back i wish i rang her up more. the difficulties of last 4 months of the relationship seem to be forgotten now. I feel i wasnt affectionate enough and expressed my feeling more often. (She also wished she did the same) I suppose next relationship i will remember how i feel now and be more affectionate. I do feel i have realised the mistakes i have made in the relationship. i now find it hard not telling her my feelings where as before I found it harder to say my feelings.

 

I think having a broken heart will actually open you up more in your next relationship. it feels like you have bared your soul and have no more emotions to hide

 

I went out with my mates at the weekend for a few beers and managed to stop myself from texting her. However under the haze of beer I seemed think we would get back together.haha!

 

been to the gym tonight for the first time which helped but back feeling a bit lonely once i got back in the house. Today was a feeling of regret that i didnt express my feeling more in the relationship and feeling i messed the relationship up. I know she probably wont come back but the urge to send her an email or speak to her in person once my emotions are under control are so strong and just feel i want to let her know where i went wrong and i have learnt from it. but i know it wont change the situation.

 

tKeep geting thoughts that in a few months if her emotions over her mum have settled down then i should drop her an email just asking how she is and see what response i get. want to show her that i am getting my house in order and being responsible. cant help thinking that once the mist clears in a couple of month i should make contact. but i know i shouldnt. I thought i had closure but maybe i havent.

 

I never felt it would be this hard. Absence makes the heart grow fonder seems to be true. At the moment it feel like my biggest regret of not realising what i had;. But then I also think maybe she could have improved too so not all 1 way traffic.

 

Everywhere i go i am thinking how it related to the ex. How we walked down the same road, drove that way too her house. see other couples.

 

Also i got her a ticket for a gig months and she dropped me a text saying thanks for the present and she had a good time. I replied saying glad you had a good time. Didnt think it would effect me but i might have put me back a week.

 

So anyway i'm going to start the gym 3-4 times a week(breaks up the evening which makes a difference). Just to get out and make me physical tired rather than emotional wreck. Recommend it to anyone. help to relieve stress. got my mountain bike fixed up so if i feel a bit down i might go out for a 30 minute ride around the block. getting fitter and slimmer will help boost my self confidence. helping to get my appetite back and things to focus on.

 

i've lots of busy weekends until mid july, so that can keep me going. i feel better when i have achieved something for myself but occassionally the emotions build up and sometimes i need a quick 5 minutes cry to get rid of it. sometimes on the way home from work.

 

Now i have typed this i feel a pit perky. my emotions seem up and down a lot.

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How To Reignite Lost Feelings In A ...
How To Reignite Lost Feelings In A Relationship

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