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We love each other but she doesn't want to hurt me


JimLBoston

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For the last month, my girlfriend has been more distant and even a little cold. I could understand it since I thought it was just the stress of her exams. Once she was finally finishing up with her exams, I had to get my wisdom teeth pulled out and was unavailable to see her. I kept hoping we could chat online for a while but she never stayed on for long. We finally got some time together once I got out of work yesterday and I knew it was time to have a more serious talk.

 

I let her know that I felt like she wasn’t making time for me anymore. We’ve been together for about a year and I asked her if she still loved me and where she saw this relationship. For a lot of it, she was non-responsive. Eventually, she ended up telling me she just doesn’t want to be in a relationship. She said she still loves me as much as she ever has and still cares about me but doesn’t want me to get too attached.

 

I’ve had some doubts myself over the future of the relationship since she seems to want to move back to El Salvador once she finishes with college and I’d rather stay here. But she seems to have written it off completely that it would work. She also said her parents are a factor since they’d rather have her dating a latino guy. I even asked her if she would want to be with me and she told me that I’m wonderful and I deserve someone better. She spends a lot of time with immigration activist groups and has always been very politically active and it seems like she would rather dedicate her life to that.

 

It just doesn’t seem to make sense. We almost never fight and she said she's never gotten mad at me. We both love each other very much and she still wants to remain best friends, but is afraid of me getting attached and getting hurt once the relationship is fully over. I really wish we could give things a chance and get back together, but she’s still dealing with these inner conflicts. Is it just time to move on like she insists?

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Her family wants her to marry Latino and she champions immigrants rights. That doesn't bode well for you if you aren't Latino. Family will likely always have an incredibly strong influence in her life, as she has just told you. It's just part of that culture.

 

I think it's time to move on because you aren't a priority in her life and you should find someone who will make you a priority.

 

Honestly, some of what she has said make me think there may be another guy in the picture but I'm not certain.

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We even mentioned that last night. I told her that with all her insistence that I find someone else, I was considering a couple others at points, but lately, I couldn't imagine being with anyone but her. She was fine with this then told me she's never even considered anyone else and would never be able to cheat on anyone. I believe her, since her last boyfriend drove her to near-insanity after cheating on her constantly.

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I'd let her know that she is the one that you would like to be with, but she isn't really giving you any options here. Her family + moving back to El Salvador + not wanting to be in a relationship = major roadblocks in the relationship. She is either going to work with you to overcome them or she isn't. Right now I think its safe to say that she isn't.

 

You can't be in a relationship with someone that doesn't want one.

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Her family wants her to marry Latino and she champions immigrants rights. That doesn't bode well for you if you aren't Latino. Family will likely always have an incredibly strong influence in her life, as she has just told you. It's just part of that culture.

 

I think it's time to move on because you aren't a priority in her life and you should find someone who will make you a priority.

 

Honestly, some of what she has said make me think there may be another guy in the picture but I'm not certain.

 

 

I agree and I think she's thinking more long term - moving to another country whereas you stay here. You are thinking short term - I just want to be with her. I think her logic makes sense and your chances are pretty low for getting back together.

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I understand that she's thinking long-term, but she's thinking way ahead in the long-term. If she follows through with her plans, she'll be here for at least another four years, possibly longer, since she wants to graduate then go to graduate school. Does she really plan not to be with anyone for four years? That's a pretty long time to be by yourself. Besides, a lot of things can change over that time.

 

She also hasn't been back to the country since she was 12, so it's been nine years now. What if she's gotten this idealistic image of the place where she grew up? She might find that it doesn't give her everything she really wants.

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While you have valid points, the fact remains that if she doesn't want to be in a relationship than what can you do about that?

 

That's exactly it. Iceman, we're on the same wavelength today. It's entirely possible that some of her explanation is just an excuse to help her break up with you without hurting you. In that case, it's even worse for you; it means it's not about the situation - she doesn't want you or the relationship anymore.

 

When I hear "she doesn't want to hurt me" it sounds like, "she wants out but knows that it will crush me and feels guilty." Honestly, the best thing you can do now is to show her you are strong by becoming strong. Start moving on. That's NO guarantee she'll change her mind at all, but it's a no-lose proposition because you will be able to heal.

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That's exactly it. Iceman, we're on the same wavelength today. It's entirely possible that some of her explanation is just an excuse to help her break up with you without hurting you. In that case, it's even worse for you; it means it's not about the situation - she doesn't want you or the relationship anymore.

 

When I hear "she doesn't want to hurt me" it sounds like, "she wants out but knows that it will crush me and feels guilty." Honestly, the best thing you can do now is to show her you are strong by becoming strong. Start moving on. That's NO guarantee she'll change her mind at all, but it's a no-lose proposition because you will be able to heal.

 

 

 

I agree with Darcy. Whenever I have heard "I don't want to hurt you....." I think "you just don't want to feel guilty". Ah well, people get hurt its a part of life.

 

I also agree that the best thing for you would be to move on unless she expresses a sincere desire to continue with the relationship. Otherwise you are wasting your time.

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She says 'you're wonderful' BUT (and this is really important) you deserve someone better. Sadly this does not mean she thinks she's not good enough for you (because this would make you go to the ends of the earth to change her mind) but it means she does not want to be with you.

 

At least she is trying to do this kindly, but I'm afraid it's out there - she just does not want a future with you. She knows she may well be around, even for years, but you're just not in her plans.

 

Sorry but you have to draw a line under this - don't remain friends if you think it will hurt you too much, just go no contact as it will give you time to heal. If she gets in touch with you, weigh up any potential responses then - but I'm really sorry, I don't think she will. Take care and head up.

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