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Maybe its me... how do i fix this relationship and my attitude?


Mamasita
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5 Fundamentals For Troubleshooting Your Relationship

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I'm in such a rut and i'm frustrated. Thing is we've had so many hassles since getting together and i keep feeling like our relationship is just doomed, i think i want us to work but i'm not sure... and i want to know how to try and make things better - i'll try put this picture together without going on too much.

 

I had just come out of an abusive relationship that ripped my pleasant life apart when we got together. I had a great job, a beautiful home, great friends, close family, and all in all a peachy and very normal life with my little boy (i'm a single mum). i ended up meeting my exboyfriend who was an ex-convict who pretty much came out of jail and went right back to his illegal activities and in the space of a year i lost everything (quit job as i couldnt cope, evicted, lost friends/family on account of the person i became) including my sanity by the time i was in fear for my life and put a restraining order on this ex my life was pretty much destroyed. he ended up being caught and thrown into jail anyway (lucky because i had totally cracked and have no idea how i would have coped any longer with that abusive life).

 

I met my now fiance while i was mopping up the sh*tty remants of my life, i tried to go back to work only to realise i was still not quite right in the head and quit the job. instead i went and did the counselling sessions that i was offered by the police through a community service that i had previously declined... it was great for me i probably bawled my way through the first 6 sessions and although it didnt fix a single thing, i had my chance to really vent & grieve on wounds i was holding inside. i had a lot of anger & issues with all the consequences & results of this awful relationship and its impact (i'm also facing some very serious criminal charges of my own in relation to things i was exposed to during my involvement with him)... all this served to create a lot of negativity in my mind and at times i was quite suicidal, depressed, manic and my fiance was there for the whole crazy ride. at times i felt he was contributing to the difficulty i was experiencing but all in all i would have to admit he was a tremendous support, was very devoted & loving through a time i really dont understand what there was to love.

 

I fell pregnant last december but i lost our son at 21 weeks in march of this year, the tragedy of that seemed to snap my mind back into a better place, holding our poor lifeless little baby in our arms & crying over him - burying him etc... i seemed to realise that things could be so much worse and i should just get on with living life and take my mind out of the past and focus on a brighter future. that lasted until probably about a month after the funeral, i managed to secure a job and have come back to the real world but i seem to be depressed all the time and completely uninterested/unenthused about our relationship.

 

i'm still not the person i was before i met my exboyfriend, i feel like i'm just broken, pathetic, unhappy. i wish i could rewind my life and be back in 2006 - even if it means not being engaged - i really dont know how to get my mind out of grieving for the life i used to have, the person i used to be. when my fiance complains that i dont make enough effort i dont seem to care, its the worse feeling in the world being so neutral - if we broke up i dont think it would bother me... inconvenient is what it would be - not devastating. he said a high percentage of ppl split up after experiencing stillbirths or losing children etc and he dosnt want us to be like that... i wish i had the same devotion he had to this relationship but i feel like i've gone through so much hell i dont care about anything anymore... what am i meant to be feeling?

 

sorry this has been a really long post

 

thanks

Reese

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You have been through so much more than the typical woman your age. I commend you for your strength. Sometimes only those who can handle these things have these things happen. I think you will be okay, don't let your past define you, you have a beautiful child to watch and grow and you have a man who loves you....and wants to marry you. Things aren't ever going to be perfect.

 

You can't expect yourself to be perfect...it takes time to heal.

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ohhh u made me cry. i have questioned so much why all this has happened to me, i used to be such a happy bubbly person and i'm trying so hard not to let all this overshadow my future but so far its been pretty hard!

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Hey down there in the south end of the continent!

 

Have you had any more councilling since losing the child? It seems like you really need to talk to someone at length again. Someone that will allow you to organise everything in your head. You have been through a lot and you need to get on this as quickly as possible before it gets any worse. If part of your issues with the ex revolved around drugs - like ice etc, things may never get back to exactly how you were, as these may have changed your chemical make up and this could be pushing you into depression as well. Either way, you need to start building your life a fresh. Wishing for the past will only make you more depressed, as guess what, that was back then, and you can't go back, only forward. So it's what you make of it now, what you set up going forward that will help you achieve your happiness again. So step into the light and be that person you want to be, not the one you used to be.

 

We are always here...

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Thanks dreamwarrior... true true. thanks for the encouragement

 

Hello Brizzy lol... bit chilly down here, jealous of u for bein in the tropics!! No I havnt had any counselling since losing William and its something my fiance has been really pushing for, he thinks i've changed pretty dramatically in the last month and thinks it might be that so i guess i better consider this.

 

With my ex...yes his activities were around drugs etc. and although i understand what ur getting at i'm pretty sure i've had more difficulty getting over the various things that happened then substance abuse itself. thing is i come from a small pacific island full of happy people that will do anything for one another and live to sing, play the guitar, dance and laugh and that was pretty much all i was about so not that i'm an uneducated person but i was pretty naive before i met him and pretty jaded and bitter afterwards... kind of a long road back and yesss trying not to dwell so much on 'my previous life' I really like what u said about focusing on the person i want to be again... that is so so true. i mean it seems so simple and obvious now that u've said it doh! thanks

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Hi Mamasita, you are just feeling a little worthless right now and out of steam. YOu have been through a lot and have lost a child, that's a lot to go through, let alone the abusive relationship you are still reeling from.

 

Open up to your fiance about how you feel, and let him care for you. He is on your side.

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Hi Mamasita, how are you? First off I just wanted to say you look beautiful in your picture...and secondly I know what you mean about your fiance. I am going through a lot of the similar aspects as well and honestly, if my fiance left me, I wouldn't at all be unhappy. Is that bad? We just had a baby girl in April and I feel like us being apart will better our childs environment due to the countless fights we have and the drama we create around each other.

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