why are girls attracted to "bad boys" when they really want a good guy!?

[onelifetolive]

Im 18 years old and every guy I have dated or been attracted to has that "bad boy" image. I have had 2 boyfriends and have unofficially dated a bunch of guys throughout my first year of college and they ALL turned out to be total as*holes! Yet still, I am attracted to them, even when I know they may be jerks. I met this one guy who I am still friends with, yet I know he likes me and he is a total sweetheart. We kind of dated at one time & kissed.

 

Once I got to know him ...and realize how sweet of a person, how charming of a guy, how harmless he was, and how much he really cared about me and would do anything for me... I then began to loose all interest. Im so upset about this because he is perfect for me. Is it that he is too perfect, too nice? I dont know what my problem is but I dont want to let him pass by.

 

Should we date..or bf gf..because its really what he wants...and see how it goes and maybe my feelings will develop? Any advice?

 

 

Thank you, I am so confused !

[ProtestTheHero]

Tell him to start treating you a little colder and to pull away a little bit.

[Ac143]

Its a phase, or at least it was for me. I was exactly the same way in HS and college. I think when I was actually sick of the dating, bs, drama etc & looking for someone serious is when I stopped dating the bad boys & found myself a really great nice guy (with a little bit of bad boy in him lol)

 

Are you attracted enough to date this guy seriously? Or you just want to force yourself because you think its the right guy? If you force yourself, it will never work.

[onelifetolive]

Ac143!! maybe you can help me, since you said you felt the same way. I dont know what it is, but im sure you understand what I explained. I can see myself with him but I just can see it being a little awkward for me just because he is so nice. i dont know though because when I hungout/dated all the other guys i did not feel awkward at all! And with him when we hangout i feel a little awkward...but i dont know why, and its killing me inside.

[amtjrtcet]

Its your age honey...I was the same way for YEARS. From 17 to about 6 months ago. I finally got my heart broken by a 'bad boy' for the last time...After that relationship ended I made a promise to myself to not date men like that anymore, to open my eyes and realize that even though its sexy and attractive that in the long run it will only end in heart break. And you know what? I found a wonderful man that fit all my criteria AND he's a good guy, but still has that swagger I like.

 

You'll grow out of it, especially if you can already recognize the problem at 18...that took me almost 28 yrs to figure out!

[Lecturer]

There are a couple reasons I know of:

 

1. You might percieve "nice guys" as too boring - just lacking excitement. You get less drama.. and many women seem to love drama (particularly the ones that tend to like "bad boys").

 

2. From an evolutionary point of view, bad boys are more attractive as they may demonstrate an increased ability to protect you. There has been research that has found that a response to physical abuse from both children and wife is to cling MORE to the abuser. Its theorized that this is why its so hard for abuse victims to leave the abuser.. they are naturally inclined to want to stay more, and be protected.

[onelifetolive]

Its your age honey...I was the same way for YEARS. From 17 to about 6 months ago. I finally got my heart broken by a 'bad boy' for the last time...After that relationship ended I made a promise to myself to not date men like that anymore, to open my eyes and realize that even though its sexy and attractive that in the long run it will only end in heart break. And you know what? I found a wonderful man that fit all my criteria AND he's a good guy, but still has that swagger I like.

 

You'll grow out of it, especially if you can already recognize the problem at 18...that took me almost 28 yrs to figure out!

 

thats true! ahh, its so annoying and i cannot deal with it anymore. i try to force myself to stop but its not use. and now i am going to loose this wonderful guy just like that. i dont know if i give it a chance maybe i will grow out of the phase when im with him? im not sure though

 

 

There are a couple reasons I know of:

 

1. You might percieve "nice guys" as too boring - just lacking excitement. You get less drama.. and many women seem to love drama (particularly the ones that tend to like "bad boys").

 

2. From an evolutionary point of view, bad boys are more attractive as they may demonstrate an increased ability to protect you. There has been research that has found that a response to physical abuse from both children and wife is to cling MORE to the abuser. Its theorized that this is why its so hard for abuse victims to leave the abuser.. they are naturally inclined to want to stay more, and be protected.

 

and wow, that is true. i never heard of that. and exactly...this guy is so so nice he would do anything for me and it wouldnt be a big deal. i feel like maybe the problem is that there is nothing for me to so called .."chase" whats my problem!

[Cognitive_Canine]

I'm the same way, you have to find a balance.

 

Rather than a bad boy, I found dark (not necessarily bad) qualities in a good boy. I get my kicks because of the dark attraction but I get treated with respect too.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I think Lecturer stated the core reason. There's lots to read on this subject, and it all makes sense. Psychologically, it's primal stuff. In our modern, civilized, PC society, many guys have lost sight of what makes men, well, men. Women want to feel safe and protected by the man in their life. Since there are no more saber toothed tigers roaming our streets for men to slay, we can only project that by our confidence and direction.

 

Nice guys can too often be boring and lacking direction (I don't know, what do you want to do, honey?). No leadership. Wimps. No challenge. Door mats. Nowadays, women feel confidence when the man in their life knows what he wants and goes after it. (I'm going out for a sandwich, wanna come?). Women are so drawn to this behavior that they will often put up with all kinds of other crap from a**holes, who really couldn't care less about them, just to be with them. They see their selfish behavior and willing to walk attitude as strength and confidence, and they ignore (at least, for a time) their otherwise reprehensible behavior.

 

Don't worry, you will find a man with the right balance. They are out there.

[Ac143]

Ac143!! maybe you can help me, since you said you felt the same way. I dont know what it is, but im sure you understand what I explained. I can see myself with him but I just can see it being a little awkward for me just because he is so nice. i dont know though because when I hungout/dated all the other guys i did not feel awkward at all! And with him when we hangout i feel a little awkward...but i dont know why, and its killing me inside.

 

It is your age I think, like someone else said. For me, I wanted a good guy to have an awesome relationship with but then when I hung out with one I was like "ahh he's too boring" or "he's too nice" & I actually tried to force myself into a relationship with a nice guy but that didn't work. We just didn't click, I felt awkward around him. Now fast forward 2-3yrs later, I got all that bad boy crap out of my system and truly appreciated having a nice guy. When you're ready for one you will know lol.

[meepmeep20]

For some, it's a phase. I'm NOT attracted to bad boys. In fact, I'm attracted to NERDS all the way.

[erase this face]

Maybe you have self esteem issues.

[clobsy]

Bad boys are capable of providing women with excitement and thrill. The good boys are way too mature and not as funny/exciting to be with. An ideal combination would be a mix of the two but that is akin to seeking the Holygrail.

[JenniferSNJ]

What makes him a "nice" guy exactly?

 

I'm simply curious because I also have a history of being in relationships with "bad" guys... men that usually treat me fantastic (jerks to everyone else) and then at some point towards the very end of the relationship, treat me like crap too.

 

I vowed not to ever chase a "bad" boy again. And for the first time, I'm actually taking an interest in a nice guy. However, I find that some of his "nice" traits are turn-offs to me such as excessive talking, always checking in, and not being confident/arrogant enough. blah.

 

I think it's a stage. I pray to God its a stage. Knowing that you want to date a nice guy is the first step to actually getting there.

[onelifetolive]

thanks jennifer! very true...i hope its a phase too...

 

hes just a very nice guy i say because he always asks how i am, asks to hangout doesnt mind me hanging out with him and his friends and has never tried to do anything with my (sexually) that i dont want to do. he has never even mentioned anything sexual at all!

 

for example...duringthe year me and a few friends were at his and our other friends appartment and they were leaving and they were my ride, and this guy said that he was having such a good night just hanging out with me and he didnt want me to go..he offered me to sleep there. i was a little tipsy and also did not want to sleep there because i was afraid it would lead to something i dont want. i told my friend that and she told him and he came up to me and said.. listen, i would never try anything and especially since u were drinking i would never taken advantage of you. i really am just having so much fun just hanging with you that i dnt want you to go yet, you can sleep in my bed in my room ill sleep in the living room ont he couch- i promise i wont do anything

 

[drewciouS281]

although the whole bad boy perspective has its different definitions. Some bad boys can also be good guys. I have the bad boy image so ive been told by many aswell as the attitude but for people i feel deserve to see my nicer side, say im a good guy!

 

If you feel you shouldnt drop this guy, than give him a shot but maybe try taking things slow.

[clobsy]

However, I find that some of his "nice" traits are turn-offs to me such as excessive talking, always checking in, and not being confident/arrogant enough. blah.

 

can you plz expound on this?

 

and what do you mean by "checking in"?

[ghost69]

although the whole bad boy perspective has its different definitions. Some bad boys can also be good guys. I have the bad boy image so ive been told by many aswell as the attitude but for people i feel deserve to see my nicer side, say im a good guy!

 

If you feel you shouldnt drop this guy, than give him a shot but maybe try taking things slow.

 

i would say those are called edgy. like me.

[clobsy]

Thanks.

 

Checkin-in is synonymous with 'too much too soon'. They share too much information about themselves too soon and also come on strongly. Checking-in is a new term I guess.

[JenniferSNJ]

Thanks.

 

Checkin-in is synonymous with 'too much too soon'. They share too much information about themselves too soon and also come on strongly. Checking-in is a new term I guess.

 

Yes, exactly. haha it's probably not a new term, just something I fabricated that makes no sense. You're right- too much too soon.

[clobsy]

Yes, exactly. haha it's probably not a new term, just something I fabricated that makes no sense. You're right- too much too soon.

 

 

you coined a new term too soon ;-)

[Ac143]

although the whole bad boy perspective has its different definitions. Some bad boys can also be good guys. I have the bad boy image so ive been told by many aswell as the attitude but for people i feel deserve to see my nicer side, say im a good guy!

 

If you feel you shouldnt drop this guy, than give him a shot but maybe try taking things slow.

 

This is true, I got one Everyone thinks he's a bad boy, but he's a teddy bear haha

[FloatingHeaven]

Some of the fire and passionate relationships I have had are with "bad" boys. But it never lasts. We end up getting hurt. But we never learn sometimes and play with the fire again and again.

[g84]

Confident/Arrogant: Goes with the whole edgy thing. I love people that are kind of full of themselves. I like to feel like I'm with someone because they are highly selective (and therefore, they selected me).

 

I always think it's a really bad sign when a guy is nice to you, but treats others badly, though. I associate that behaviour with bullies (cliques). If i'm with a guy who enjoys stepping on others, i couldn't take it : (.

In what sense were the guys that you dated arrogant, what kinds of things would they do?

[JenniferSNJ]

I always think it's a really bad sign when a guy is nice to you, but treats others badly, though. I associate that behaviour with bullies (cliques). If i'm with a guy who enjoys stepping on others, i couldn't take it : (.

 

Yes this is how they trick you. haha because they are SO NICE TO YOU and then randomly you see their true colors and you're like wth?! noo... my boyfriend isn't like that.

 

BUT HE IS. he really is.

 

heh. I never dated anyone that was bad to servers, etc., but he would tell me stories of how he reacted to others in situations and I did not like what I heard. I should have ran, but my 18 year old self was pretty stubborn.