Came out of the closet... now what?

[james2]

Hey

 

So for years, coming out was basically the end game - It's something I'd been aiming towards for ages, and I naively assumed that once that was done, things would magically change, like I'd finally start meeting some guys and making new friends and who knows what else.

 

So most of my friends have known for a quite a few months, and my family for the last couple of months, and it's all the same. I went along to the * * * * * group (thats the term they use) at uni, but there were only like 10 people there (admittedly it was organised somewhat last minute) and I didn't find it all to great.

 

What happens now? I'd never really thought this far ahead. Coming out consumed my thoughts for so long and sort of blind-sighted me to what lay ahead.

 

Being 19 and never having been kissed or anything, it doesn't do much for your self esteem. There's this guy who catches the same train as me that I really like, and I'm 99% sure is gay, but I wouldn't even know how to strike up a conversation with him.

 

How do I get a life?? At the moment my life is pretty much uni, work and sitting around feeling really alone.

 

james

[Chris_in_Orbit]

Well coming out is a pretty big deal....good for you

 

Now what? Well I guess that depends. From what it sounds, it seems like you want to make new friends and start a relationship. As far as friends go, there is nothing wrong with having "normal" friends who accept you, in fact they are a very awesome thing to have and you should stick by them.

 

I have to admit though, being gay and not having anyone who can relate can get a bit lonely sometimes... There is nothing wrong with that feeling. Just know that it isn't exactly easy to find gay friends you click with. Being gay doesn't mean everyone who is gay is friend worthy, there are some you will click with and some you won't. If this LGBT club doesn't suit your needs then move on to something else.

 

If you like this guy on the train then make a move! I know its a little embarrassing to think about, and its hard to make that first step, but once you put yourself out there for the first time it gets much easier! Every failure is a success in that you learn something (if you allow yourself to.) Since you ride the bus together regularly, theres a conversation starter right there "so I see you ride the bus often......." and make an observation about something you've noticed about him.

 

I hope everything works out.

[chiefoptimizer]

Hi james2, and welcome to ENA! I can relate to your underwhelming feelings, I've been there. Firstly, congratulations on coming out, it's probably the single hardest step along your way. But it's not over, as you have realised.

 

You now need to build yourself a network of gay friends, so that you have people you can relate to. You don't have to be close to everyone or click with anyone at all, but as long as you know some people, and you hang out with them once in a while, you will end up meeting people and eventually meet someone - it's statistically inevitable if you meet enough new people, often enough.

 

I have some very restricting specifications of who I find very interesting, and it took one and a half years before I found someone with similar interests - it turned out he's a tad too young for my liking, and he had a lover, but six months later he is one of my best friends, I feel I have someone who understands pretty much everything about me, even though most of the time we spend together is on msn. I don't feel alone.

 

The hardest step facing you is to break out of your shyness bubble, and change yourself into someone who can just walk up to somebody, and start a conversation. Most of these conversations will end up nowhere, lasting between 10 seconds and a few hours, and you may never see many of these people again, but the important thing is to keep doing it.

 

You might think it is hard to do that, to have these short conversations and nothing very deep, and still keep doing it. It is only at first. A few times into it, you will like this stuff, and will eventually just do it, for its own sake.

 

I recommend the TV show "The pickup artist". I know you may want pickups, but thats not the point. The show has a LOT of information on human psychology, and how to approach people. There's a book called The Game which is supposed to have the same stuff, but I haven't read it yet. Note they're both written for hetero men looking for chicks, but it's amazing how much of it is still relevant.

 

Another good book is "How to win friends and influence people". I don't think I finished reading it, but I do remember the stuff in it was very interesting.

 

In the end, its about learning to enjoy walking up to anyone, and starting a chat. It is a very rewarding activity, once you know how to do it, and it brings you new friends. Eventually you'll find your boy

 

I've written a few words on this before:

(edit: please read the whole thread)

 

Good luck

[folie_a_deux]

that is strange, how do you make a conversation with a random guy? and how do you know he's gay?

[chiefoptimizer]

and how do you know he's gay?

 

I don't. I find out after The idea for me is that I'm not generally interested in the men I could find in pubs/bars/clubs, because I have an aversion to both loud music and alcohol. Hence I must search in the general population around me.

 

The plan is to have conversations, and once in a while one becomes a friend. In that case, if I like them, I'd find out if they're gay. I only started about 16 weeks ago, and I've come up with a few pretty gay boys. The only reason I haven't asked anyone out yet is because I'm leaving this city very soon, and I have exams right now. But it's definitely possible to find gay boys around you, you just need to meet enough people and find out if they're gay.

 

The easiest thing to ask is if they have a girlfriend or to lead them to tell you if they do. (eg, mention the girlfriend of an imaginary friend you have, etc, and get them to talk.) If they don;t have a girlfriend, you can probe deeper, and find if they had one, etc...

 

Now, I meant "a random guy" in the sense you don't know him, he doesn't know you, but both of you are going to be spending some time in close proximity. Eg supermarket queue, lunch at the refectory, working at the library, sitting on a bench in the sunshine, etc. These are the perfect places to meet people, and start conversations. It is important to do it for its own sake, and leave the "meeting someone for a relationship" for a bit later, and get your skills developped.

 

Also, have you been to any gay groups in your area?