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Getting connected to life for fun and joy again.


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Well putting my money where my mouth is I am getting out there once again...I have signed up for a number of lessons and leagues for a sport I love but haven't played in ages: tennis!...also am taking both a mtn biking and a kayaking course too (and joined a mtn bike club).

 

Went out last sat night to my first social dinner in over 5 months with 9 strangers (a link removed group) and had a good time meeting a new potential male friend (he and his wife are organizers of this particular meetup group)...we hit it off and hope to have lunch soon.

 

Did I miss my ex at this function? Sure I did...I was remembering how we would be together on the weekends...but even with her I knew that my social life needed tweaking and diversification ....guess now is the time given I'm single again.

 

Opening my heart and mind to new people and remembering that these strangers also have their own hurts and need for love makes the reaching out a lot easier(prayer & meditation ie loving kindness meta really has helped me a lot in that regard).

 

And just like life it doesn't mean all my socials will be enjoyable ones...just as certain dates with your ex (if you can think clearly) werent so flippin great either (or you would still be together!)...but you just have to keep going out there with low expectations with a thick skin and a good sense of humour.

 

The following day I was to join another meetup group for a long hike but wasn't into it at last moment but still headed to Whistler area and explored a new trail on my own....and felt good about that!

 

Folks just get out there more...get reconnected again both to the world out there and to your inner worlds deepest yearnings and needs ...try to start really feeling good by taking new chances and opening up your hearts and minds...start treating yourself as lovingly as you would a precious friend.

 

On those days you want to be by yourself then really enjoy it...and on those days when you wish to have social interaction then go for it as per any number of hobbies leagues or clubs offered through your rec center or meetup groups or various associations.

 

We really are lucky in our day with all the activities and hobbies and clubs (as above) catering to singles of many ages.

 

And why not? Your ex is out there enjoying life again...isn't it our turn?

 

Love 2 sites and blogs: both link removed (Rhonda has a great blog) and link removed for some tough love.

 

Does all this stepping out mean I don't have down days? Of course not ...but confidence and happiness ive learned is a choice and they also come AFTER putting out the effort never before.

 

Just trying to celebrate one little victory with you all.

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Yayyy Canali!

 

I am also getting out there and enjoying myself I want to go for riding lessons, I love horses! Also want to travel more and go on a working holiday to another country and stuff... Going to the gym lots has been awesome for me, too.

 

Having a positive attitude and getting your @$$ into gear helps a lot to heal a broken heart.

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Scorpiogal :

Good for you baby! (just tweaked post slightly).

 

And I am finding

that the more I get out there in an open minded and open hearted way the more I get inside: even if the event or whatever is a blowout...just be aware of those expectations.

 

And yes hitting the gym to both release stress and look good helps too (you are a hottie anyway!) hugs!

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This all sounds great Canali I am doing the same, though my soccer is temporarily hindered by injury (oops). But I am going out, meeting a few new people and taking time to catch up with friends, focus on my job and doing a lot more of the things I liked to do...writing, reading, etc and getting in touch with my creative side again.

 

I find myself taking a few chances again and getting confidence to speak to new people, either on here or in my personal life. It feels good....just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going.

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Sure is!...so therapeutic.

 

And I just want to say too that it doesn't have to involve lots of cash either...there are many free hiking and walking and biking and coffee (etc) groups out there of all interests.

 

Im even thinking of taking on a part time job too to help pay for some of my lessons especially now that I have the time and am not spending huge wads of cash that I was when with my ex on dinners and wine and such. Man was that pressure esp given she had an inheritance (heck she is taking the whole year off to relax travel and find herself).

 

Isn't it great to get out and do things again? I rejoined karate after letting it go for quite a while and it feels great to be back!

 

I'm happy for you.

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Sure is!...so therapeutic.

 

And I just want to say too that it doesn't have to involve lots of cash either...there are many free hiking and walking and biking and coffee (etc) groups out there of all interests.

 

Im even thinking of taking on a part time job too to help pay for some of my lessons especially now that I have the time and am not spending huge wads of cash that I was when with my ex on dinners and wine and such. Man was that pressure esp given she had an inheritance (heck she is taking the whole year off to relax travel and find herself).

 

I've been thinking of part-time work myself just to pay off my residual marriage debt before it starts bearing interest. It's a little tricky with my mostly full schedule.

 

About your former gf, it can be a real pain trying to keep up with someone else's lifestyle.

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That's great, Canali - I'm glad to hear you're doing so well!

 

I don't have a lot of options now here where I am, and I really need to spend the next 3 months focusing on finishing up as much work here as I can before I head back to the States. But I have been going out more, down to the local bar or danceclub. There's a new crew of folks here now that don't know about my divorce, and didn't see my going through that h**l, so there's none of those awkward moments of avoiding certain topics. I've also been getting back in touch with friends up in the States I've lost touch with in the 14 months I've been here, and am generally preparing to get out, meet people, and enjoy life more when I return. I'm thinking about getting a part-time job, too, to help pay off these wedding and divorce expenses - as well as my new social life.

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I don't know if ''doing so well'' is what I'm doing inasmuch as trying to get off of my touche, quit ruminating over a dead dog and keep moving...to use it as a positive springboard to something better....i mean what is the alternative? I can only whine and moan for so long man.

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hey i'm starting tennis lessons in two weeks too!! glad to hear you're doing even more to making the step to reconnect with other people and have some fun canali. notice you haven't been posting as much here so perhaps you're not always on ENA, which is a good sign as well

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Nice work canali! And very brave of you to go to the meet-up groups etc. I'm working away at stuff that make life fun and meaningful yoga, meditation, hanging with friends, started riding again, but have fallen back into a rut this week after feeling like I was getting back on track. Still gettting used to these unexpected ups and downs.

 

You always have great posts though with a really thoughtful perspective on things - and you're walking the walk! Thanks for the reminder that the healing process has to be an active one.

 

One last thing - you mentioned a book in an earlier post about embracing the unknown, but I've forgotten the title?

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There is something about the "paralysis of analysis" that afflicts us all I think in the immediate weeks and months out of a breakup...espcially if we were dumped. At first it feels like going through the motions...but eventually we let ourselves have fun again and more importantly, we get out of our own heads with all of the negative thoughts about what we miss or long for with our ex's.

 

I'm playing city league softball again this year, am running every day and have a bunch of home improvement projects lined up for this summer. I have tried a bit of dating but it feels forced and makes me feel disconnected, so that's one that will just have to wait. Bravo Canali and everyone else here out doing new things and getting themselves back.

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Thanks for the compliment btw. Ill take all the TLC that I can lol!

 

I think the book you referred to is either called "radical acceptance" or "embracing uncertainty"

 

One guy I do like is Dr Richard Carlson..."don't sweat the small stuff" series...some of his books deal very succinctly with thought/emotional control techniques and mindfulness too (and his works were written way before mindfulness became so trendy) ie "what about the big stuff?"

 

And coyote9

Richardson too used that phrase and discussed

it as a hindrance to living and taking risks ie paralysis of analysis.

 

Bottom line: we had a life before our exes were in the picture so let's keep it rolling upward and onward even if they are not...temporary emotional setbacks and all.

 

Shouldn't we strive to be happy and fulfilled as best we can irregardless of whether we are with someone or not?

 

Nice work canali! And very brave of you to go to the meet-up groups etc. I'm working away at stuff that make life fun and meaningful yoga, meditation, hanging with friends, started riding again, but have fallen back into a rut this week after feeling like I was getting back on track. Still gettting used to these unexpected ups and downs.

 

You always have great posts though with a really thoughtful perspective on things - and you're walking the walk! Thanks for the reminder that the healing process has to be an active one.

 

One last thing - you mentioned a book in an earlier post about embracing the unknown, but I've forgotten the title?

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Update to my 'getting out there' and 'walking the walk':

 

Well SATURDAY night I went off on a link removed group to play night golf (golf balls had a luminous strip and about 30 of us we all wore those funny luminous strips around our necks/heads)...sure i'm not a great golfer but it was better than sitting on my touche doing nothing...had fun meeting some new people even though i suck at golfing (only been to range once and never on a real golf course, lol...golf is 'not my thing' inasmuch as other sports).

 

SUNDAY morning went on a mtn bike link removed group and had a great xc ride....(first time out all season)...met one chap who's into backcountry skiing so he and I will chat again and hopefully hookup for more rides.

 

TODAY I joined both the BC Sea Kayaking Assoc for trips (there is a moonlight outing this coming friday night) and also signed up for mtn bike xc riding lessons via 'Different Bikes' ...lastly my tennis lessons starting tomorrow, too. (cheap: offered via rec centre)

 

last FRIDAY evening I was out just playing my tennis ball against a hard wall when another chap started practicing beside me...eventually after 10 minutes I asked him if he wanted a game...he kindly obliged ...later handed my ass to me in a hat as he is a good player yet i'm a beginner (haven't played in over 20 years but LOVE IT!)...as Anne Landers once said: try to be with people who are better than you to stretch you and challenge you...enough said as I was stretched, lol.

 

The chap's name was Rudy and although neither of us had business cards to exchange (NOTE TO SELF: always have business cards on hand going forward) he and I hopefully will meet there again...but the thing is, I opened my heart and mind and reached out..as a result I had a great time....despite wanting it (our interaction) to go further as per hooking up again, it was nice just hanging out for that period of time...really nice...got to know a bit about him (we played for about 2 hrs...I was BAGGED).

 

There is so much opportunity out there if I just open up my mind and heart to people and the world...and especially given the internet and the resources it offers to me to research and link onto etc...

 

I'm actually more busy socially NOW than when I was with my ex...and in retrospect it shouldn't have been that way at all...I should have had this sort of social and interest diversification too when with her...my fear was always in 'getting out there' and being accepted (when you're fearful you're prone to being too judgemental...and distancing yourself emotionally/socially..my things to work on).

 

I'll say it again: diversification is key for balance in my life....if I invested 100% in Enron and my Retirement$ went kapoot then who's to blame?

Me....and that was my story before...not to be repeated again.

 

I'm trying to get reconnected again, tha's all I can say and do.

 

Hopefully below are a few threads to inspire us all.

 

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...later handed my ass to me in a hat as he is a good player yet i'm a beginner ...enough said as I was stretched, lol.

 

 

Nice work mate and glad to hear you're getting out there. It is daunting, but each time it works out, a little bit of fear will be removed.

 

Just be careful about getting your ass stretched.........

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Haha good stuff Canali!

 

I'm actually a tennis fan myself (been playing 10 years). I'm playing in two fixtures and my teams are annihilating the opposition thus far

 

I'm also into athletics, lining myself up for the half marathon in two months and the mini triathlon. Still working on my dream of getting a six pack and hitting the weights.

 

Oh and of course, I am meeting new people and socialising

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Just go back from my first mtn bike group lesson..sheesh good mtn biking skills are considerable! ie there is a good amount to learn to be a good rider ...and here in BC we are blessed to have some of THEN best mtn biking in the world.

 

Thought of my ex of course but then remembered how she wasn't really into mtn biking (hence my need for more social activity buddies which is why I am joining so the areas I am interested in).

 

Again as per the last link I put in what is my alternative: to sit at home and mope? Ive done that way too much already.

 

I just want to get "me" back for now and the TLC I need from more social engagements with quality people....I'm not trying to make myself out as someone who is "totally healed" or totally "over her" as I am not...but doing the best thing I can.

 

But I know that I must get reengaged with life again to find happiness within me in new ways cause she is not coming back ...right now I want to take charge of my happiness...face my fears... go outside of my comfort zone... open up my heart and mind more....I need to have a sense of connection ...of community.

 

And I find myself stopping from seeking to get serious with any woman I am clicking with...am instead asking "what if I could make her a friend and not a lover"? That really makes me loosen up because I don't need s lover right now inasmuch as good quality company of friends (still fragile I guess )....if one of them leads to something folwn the road then great but not right now.

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Just picked up the Embracing Uncertainty book from the library - hopefully it will help me feel less freaked out about the future and trying more new things.

 

Went to my meditation group tonight after work, had dinner with friends and then a yoga class. It's coming up on 6 months since the break up but some days it's still pretty painful. Doing new things and accomplishing goals definitely helps though so I'm trying to keep at it. Just trying to come up with some new goals for this month to work on...

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See Susan Jeffers other books too...as well as "Radical Acceptance" by tara brach...also rhonda brittens "Fearless Living" site books and blog...even Oprah has a good site on emotional and spiritual health... one of the best blogs on healing is IMO "getting past your past"

 

I am writing from BlackBerry so limited in copying and pasting...There are other threads if you click on my profile: it has other links too ie links on happiness etc.

 

Back to you: be patient... be equally gentle and firm to both grieve but also to keep moving forward...be loving to yourself.

 

And when there is an opportunity to experience joy and happiness (powerful & life affirming emotions to balance the grieving) then go for it!

 

Just picked up the Embracing Uncertainty book from the library - hopefully it will help me feel less freaked out about the future and trying more new things.

 

Went to my meditation group tonight after work, had dinner with friends and then a yoga class. It's coming up on 6 months since the break up but some days it's still pretty painful. Doing new things and accomplishing goals definitely helps though so I'm trying to keep at it. Just trying to come up with some new goals for this month to work on...

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going out to dinner with a woman i haven't caught up with for about 9 months. we hooked up before i met my ex. we then both got into our relationships which ended. I have no romantic intentions, but we always got on really well so i suggested dinner and drinks tonight and just good company.

 

I want to open myself up more, reconnect with people i haven't caught up with in ages and open my heart up.

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Nothing wrong with getting giving and sharing love via the company of caring people

who dig you as a friend.

Can be so sustaining and nurturing.

going out to dinner with a woman i haven't caught up with for about 9 months. we hooked up before i met my ex. we then both got into our relationships which ended. I have no romantic intentions, but we always got on really well so i suggested dinner and drinks tonight and just good company.

 

I want to open myself up more, reconnect with people i haven't caught up with in ages and open my heart up.

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So today was better - managed to steer clear of "analysis paralysis" for the most part, had a productive day at work and it was a beautiful day so I went to a free outdoor yoga class. The teacher asked everyone to bring a flower for a puja and he talked about how the flowers will change as the summer goes on (simple idea but kind of cool) and then he asked everyone to introduce themselves to people around them with a handshake or a hug. I have to admit I felt a bit weird about hugging strangers but I thought about what canali said about being open-hearted and opening to new experiences. Anyway it was a good class, nice to be outside it turned out a woman I took my first meditation course with was there so we got to catch up after class which was nice.

 

All this to say, thanks canali for starting this thread and I hope people will keep posting about their experiences about reconnecting with fun & joy. It's always inspiring to read!

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thanks santosha... you will find what works best for you in the long term...many on this thread are in the 'raw' stages of grieving and I understand that, too....but as we progress if we're smart we can use it to explore new parts of ourselves...it all involves taking a risk, reassessing and challening our self images, beliefs and expectations.

 

we're so used to one side of our brain staying immersed in sorrow pain sadness and rage....but not as used to or skilled in being happy or seeking happiness without spending, or alcohol, or sex or food (etc)...exploring those more invigorating emotions (joy happiness etc) has been a real eye opener, too...especially in learning more about resiliency skills (oprah's site has a TON of great links on an ongoing basis)...even learning how in trying times one can still 'be happy' overall.

 

one of THE most important things, aside from attitude, inner validation/affirmation and a good social circle, is the importance of diversification: I'll repeat it again and again...just as you would not overinvest in one stock neither should you overinvest in anything for fulfillment: people, things, ideas, etc...diversify your investments

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