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2 Months NC, i emailed to catchup advice please.


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ok so i emailed her. (the fool i am). i still dont know what im trying to achieve. wether i want her to see me as a stronger person, or whether i still want her back and am using this as a first attempt after a break.

 

the background info. she went cold for a month, i went into a low place of knowing we werent going to fix this. she broke it off when i was in a really low place. and didnt really value myself.

 

iv lost a bit of weight, looking really good. picked up the pieces, and established a stronger network of friends.

 

so here is the emails. thoughts please

Hi Ex,

 

Hows things? Just wondering i have couple nights free this week just wondering if you would like to catch up for coffee just as friends, nothing more. If not that's fine just let me know.

 

------------------------

 

Hey,

Sorry but I can’t this week I have got something on every night! May has been a crazy month for me with birthday’s and dinners ect. Sorry, hope you’ve been keeping well.

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I completely understand why you did what you did. After a month or two of NC, we have an idea that perhaps enough time has passed that things have changed...either we think we've healed enough to be able to be friends (not possible for a dumpee in my opinion in 99% of cases), or we wonder if perhaps our dumper ex's have missed us. Either way, the results are the same, at least in my experience. We put ourselves right back into the firing line and set ourselves up for another round of rejection. Either she will contact you, in which case your hopes will be raised, or she won't in which case you will feel foolish and likely that you've given away more of your power here and feel humiliated...at least that's been my experience in past breakups when I've attempted contact with someone who has dumped me.

 

What is the outcome you are seeking here? Who she is, what she is doing, where and who she is with is not relevant to your recovery from the breakup, and in my opinion, will just keep you stuck and likely make it harder to move forward. I know it hurts, and especially after a couple of months, it hurts in a different way. I believe that the initial part of the breakup (first weeks and months) is filled with denial for the dumpee....we really can't believe this was final...our mind plays tricks on us and thinks, maybe if we can have one more conversation, we can talk some sense into our misguided ex's...but that's not reality and it's not helpful.

 

I hope I haven't misread your story here, but I don't think any contact initiated by the dumpee is ever justified, unless children are involved. Move on, grieve, feel the pain, but don't write, call, text or even inquire about her. Hard I know...but trust me, I've been dumped a number of times and nothing good ever came of breaking NC out of a breakup in which I was the dumpee. Think about it, if you had dumped her, and had had a change of heart. wouldn't you do everything in your power to contact the person you let go....to tell them and show them your feelings had changed and you'd made a mistake. There's a reason our ex's don't contact us...they don't want to. That's why they broke up with us in most cases, brutal as that truth is. Hang in there, call your friends, go for a run, write in your journal, but don't contact her unless you want more pain and disappointment!

Coyote

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You should reply back with: "No problem - you take care too".

 

And just leave it at that. Good on you for making such fantastic changes in your life. If this girl doesnt want to appreciate them then another one definitelty will.

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Thanks for the input. i dont think im going to respond.

 

re thought it. - due to coyote's post.

 

she could have made contact at anytime. and chose not to. im the fool that just hasnt gotten past hope of wanting to contact her.

silly move on my end. not getting down about it thou. stepping stone to a better place.

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Don't beat yourself up about it X...we all have done it. It just prolongs the pain. It's hard to give up hope...I'm at a place now after 15 years of various breakups and dumps now I don't even know if I can have hope in the more general sense anymore for what I really want....trying to live my life without the expectation of even having a successful relationship as wanting it seems to not bring me closer to getting it.

 

When I first came on ENA two years ago, I was right in your spot with the ex that pretty much destroyed me for a time. Her brother passed away about two months after she broke up with me very unexpectedly. Being a civil person, and without even really thinking about the whole NC thing and the breakup, I called her when I saw the obituary in the newspaper. She didn't answer the phone, but texted me about 5 minutes later a one liner...something like "doing ok all things considered, thanks." I thought about it, and even an aquaintence of hers would have likely gotten at least a phone call back and a short conversation. Even being civil and nice didn't matter to her at that point. Two years later, she is married to another guy and still avoids me at all costs (we work for the same organization).

 

Be glad you can have hope and that you can feel deeply. You just have to redirect that, as I do now out of my most recent dumping a month ago by a different woman that brought me back to ENA...in time, you will heal as I did and fall in love again...it happens when we least expect it...and those new loves can go sideways too, as I've recently discovered...don't lose your hope, just your hope for her.

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