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Toxic BF?


cichlid

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Everything I do is wrong. I hate being me and I hate my life. Why do I get into relationships anyway? I truly suck at them. He is always treating me like a child. I do not know if I want to be in this sort of relationship anymore. When it's going good then it is great but it always seems like we have some sort of argument every week. It's complicated and I do not know where to start. I just feel like I am at fault for everything. If I argue with him over anything his logic always is better than mine. I must be wrong. I just feel like everything is my fault. No one is to blame but me.

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And if he belittes you or makes you feel like your views or opinions are dumb, then he is not a good, supportive boyfriend. You shouldn`t have to constantly feel at fault for everything because one person's logic is better. Just because someone can argue better doesn`t mean he is always right.

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I was with a guy for 3 1/2 years that was this way. And when I confronted him about it, he'd throw that in my face as well.

 

If this is how he makes you feel, have a talk with him. But if he doesn't change, you don't deserve to be put through that. The right person will make you feel BETTER about yourself.

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I looked at one of your previous threads and he does sound a bit disrespectful towards you (patting you on the head like a child despite your requests to stop, then hitting you "back" after you swat his hand away; calling you when you don`t want to be called; not valuing time with you; wanting things his way....).

 

I was in a bad relationship where my ex would constantly use logic to twist things around to always make me feel unreasonable, or at fault. The thing was, his logic was warped, and although it sounded reasonable, it was not. When you are in a situation like this, go with your gut feeling. Good logic should make you agree with it (or understand it) instead of making you feel like you are forced into accepting it and feeling dumb. If your gut is saying that what he is saying is wrong or missing the point then don`t just accept it...

 

If he is using words to twist things around and constantly blame you, then that is subtle abuse or at least lack of respect.

 

As for insomnia, has he tried to find a solution for it? Or change his sleeping patterns so that he goes to bed at the same time every day (that really works, btw - I used to be plagued with insommia myself, but that was because I was going to bed at different times every day!). Or is he content to shrug his shoulders and sleep the day away instead?

 

Thing is, a good boyfriend should listen to you, try find a compromise or discuss the issue with you or work to solve a problem in order to make the relationship work. Justifying and twisting logical knots around the issue until you feel blamed and unreasonable is not what a good boyfriend should do.

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I talked to him about it and he claimed it was all in my head really. I'm beginning to think it is all me that is destroying the relationship. I mean he does point everything back to me.

 

This morning I woke up from him hovering over me to give me a kiss on the lips. I then started to talk to him and gave him a back rub because he asked for one. After that I went to go do some stuff. Later he claimed I woke him up by talking to him but he was responding like he was fully awake from the start. When he was talking to me after he woke up, he said he dreamed about me baking a cake for him. I asked what kind of cake it was...he later complained saying I woke him up asking about something stupid like ice cream. What?

 

I drove home after he woke up and the plan was that we would stay at my place for the night. I drove an hour and he called me to say he was not coming down because he was upset at me for x, y and z. I was upset and started crying. The conversation ended badly.

 

Hours later he called me back and we talked. He used is logic to show me the following:

- I am a bad friend

- I do not respect people's things

- I am probably bipolar

- I am selfish

- While I understand people on a deeper level, I fail at everyday things such as talking quietly all the time in the duplex

- I "fly off the handle over small things" like my old insurance screwing me out of over $300

- I am immature and I must be treated as a child

 

All while telling me that he is letting me know my faults that I already know they exist so that I can work on them. He ended the conversation making fun of me asking why I was faking crying and how awful I sounded. I hung up on him since that really hurt me.

 

He left me a voicemail saying that if I wanted to talk to him it would have to be quick stating that he was going to play laser tag and disc golf with some friends. He just got back from all that and called me. I am thinking about calling him back tomorrow or later tonight before I go to sleep.

 

I don't know. That was only this weekend. Saturday he said that he does respect me since he could be visiting friends instead of me. He's brought that up many times an event is happening and we don't go. It's almost like he wants to go but chooses not to so that he can hang it over my head.

 

I dunno...maybe it is all in my head. I do love him and when it is doing well then the relationship is awesome. It's just everytime we talk about things, it always being my fault. I end up apologizing to stop the insanity. I can't think of one time he has apologized unless I apologize first. He never apologizes over anything major...it's always something stupid like "I'm sorry for raising my voice."

 

I'm starting to think I should cut it off. I just have so much to lose if I do.

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Does the good really outweigh the bad in this relationship for you? is it worth going through this awful feeling just cos the good times are really good? every week? you walk on eggshells, soon enough there'll be no safe thing to say.

 

He sounds manipulative and emotionally abusive to you.

 

You always end up apologising, he twists everything on you, says awful things about how he thinks you are. The reason he keeps doing it is cos you let him. I'm not saying thats bad, I've been were you are, agreeing even though you disagree, just to keep the peace and make him stop.

 

He is always gonna tell you that you're overreacting to things, especially if its about the way he is. He does'nt want you to think you have any sort of hold or control on him, he wants it... He belittles you to seem better and more in charge...

 

You really should put a stop to it. You are not a child, he should respect you and you should tell him not to call you until he is willing to.

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I don't know what else to say.....Did you read our posts?

 

Yes, I just thought I would provide more information on a day. The advice given so far has been great don't get me wrong. I really appreciate all of everyone's advice on the matter. It's an interesting situation.

 

Grr, how can I put a stop to his control?

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Grr, how can I put a stop to his control?

 

At this point it seems that you can put a stop to his control by putting a stop to your relationship.

 

I know that's not the outcome you're looking for, but it appears to be the healthy thing to do.

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He is manipulating you and putting you down.

Check out this article removed[/i]

 

He is doing #4 - he is killing your self-confidence by making you think any problems are in your head. He is putting you down and convincing you that you are a lot of bad things. He is ensuring that you are always anxious and off-balance because you`re scared of acting wrong, instead of being confident in yourself.

 

He is doing #5 - he is being nasty and nice in cycles. The nice periods make you forgive the nasty periods. He uses the nasty periods to erode your self-esteem, then the nice periods to make you stay and convince you that things would be nice all the time if you just "behaved." What a crock - it is his nit-picky and cruel behaviour that is the problem, not yours!

 

He is doing #12 - what you do is never enough. He makes you think you`re not trying hard enough, not giving enough, not understanding enough, not good enough, etc. Nothing will ever be enough for this guy, because his goal is not being happy together in a relationship. His goal is to make you unhappy and insecure, so that he can feel like the better one and he can be in control.

 

He is probably doing #13 as well, since he seems to have a high opinion of his smarts and "maturity" since he`s always putting you down. He thinks he is entitled to pester you and when you respond, he is "entitled" to punish you by hitting you. He states this is a cold logical fashion ("if you hit me, I hit back") but there is a difference between slapping a hand away and being punched. I`m sure his "punishment" will escalate too, once the pattern is set. If you`ll accept being punched in punishment, you might eventually accept a black eye.

 

I think you are probably feeling like #18, especially with this crazy-making exercise of his (The whole deal with the talking when waking up). You doubt your own perceptions now! You now have to walk on eggshells because you doubt your perceptions, your mind, your feelings....

 

He is definitely doing #19 - he clearly discounted your feelings and then later "punished" you by another talk in which he convinces you that you are all these bad things.

 

There are other good articles here too: link removed

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I talked to him about it and he claimed it was all in my head really. I'm beginning to think it is all me that is destroying the relationship. I mean he does point everything back to me.

 

Again, this is what the emotional abuser does. Instead of talking about a problem like a normal person would, he immediately twists everything around until you doubt yourself and feel like it is in your head. Instead of having a rational discussion, you end up feeling like you are "destroying" the relationship. You are not. It is he who has the problem, because he does not want to see you as an equal - only as someone he can control. And the way he can control you is to make you feel tiny, worthless and sick.

 

This morning I woke up from him hovering over me to give me a kiss on the lips. I then started to talk to him and gave him a back rub because he asked for one. After that I went to go do some stuff. Later he claimed I woke him up by talking to him but he was responding like he was fully awake from the start. When he was talking to me after he woke up, he said he dreamed about me baking a cake for him. I asked what kind of cake it was...he later complained saying I woke him up asking about something stupid like ice cream. What?

 

This is a tactic called "crazy-making." He creates situations and then denies them, in order to confuse you and make you doubt your own perceptions. Once you doubt yourself, its easier to control you because you`ll start accepting his version of things because OBVIOUSLY you can`t trust yourself.

 

I drove home after he woke up and the plan was that we would stay at my place for the night. I drove an hour and he called me to say he was not coming down because he was upset at me for x, y and z. I was upset and started crying. The conversation ended badly.

 

He broke his word, and then twists things around and attacks you. Instead of you being mad at him for cancelling, he blames you for things and the conversation ends with you crying and feeling bad about yourself. He will never take responsibility for anything - any conflict will always end in him being right and you being wrong.

 

Hours later he called me back and we talked. He used is logic to show me the following:

- I am a bad friend

- I do not respect people's things

- I am probably bipolar

- I am selfish

- While I understand people on a deeper level, I fail at everyday things such as talking quietly all the time in the duplex

- I "fly off the handle over small things" like my old insurance screwing me out of over $300

- I am immature and I must be treated as a child

 

All while telling me that he is letting me know my faults that I already know they exist so that I can work on them. He ended the conversation making fun of me asking why I was faking crying and how awful I sounded. I hung up on him since that really hurt me.

 

He is really being cruel. This feels so familiar to me because I went through the same with my ex. He tried to convince me of all these awful things with logic and worse, I believed him. He completely shattered my self-esteem and self-worth, because I was "fat, selfish, disgusting, immature, a failure, etc, etc, etc." His logic involved taking the worst parts of me, blowing them out of proportion and ignoring all my good parts. Just think.... if you really were this bad, why would he want to be with you? You are actually a good person, but one he sees he can control by making you think you are an awful one. Instead of leaving him, he hopes you will throw yourself into the relationship, suck up to him to make him "forgive" your faults, and spoil him constantly while letting him treat you badly and be in control of everything.

 

I don't know. That was only this weekend. Saturday he said that he does respect me since he could be visiting friends instead of me. He's brought that up many times an event is happening and we don't go. It's almost like he wants to go but chooses not to so that he can hang it over my head.

 

Stupid logic here. Just because you spend time with someone doesn`t mean you respect them.

 

I dunno...maybe it is all in my head. I do love him and when it is doing well then the relationship is awesome. It's just everytime we talk about things, it always being my fault. I end up apologizing to stop the insanity. I can't think of one time he has apologized unless I apologize first. He never apologizes over anything major...it's always something stupid like "I'm sorry for raising my voice."

 

Its not all in your head. The problem is that he is making you think this. If you stay with him, this will continue, and maybe even get worse. Even if you "fix" the problems he says you have, he will always find more problems you have so you will always be at the bottom of a hole, unable to dig your way out. He will always dump more problems down on you. He will never apologize for anything big, unless he thinks he has to in order to keep you with him. He will act very kind and loving sometimes, but this is only to keep you loving him, so he can continue to treat you badly.

 

I'm starting to think I should cut it off. I just have so much to lose if I do.

 

I felt the same. I loved my ex despite all the abuse and belitting he did, but eventually I just couldn`t take it. It was hard to end it, because I did still love him, but it was the right thing to do. The love eventually faded, I went to counselling to fix my self-esteem (a lot of deprogramming!), and I found out what a true loving relationship really is.

 

You won`t find that with this guy. :splat:

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^^^^^

 

wow i thats some pretty good insight with that article. Honestly though i think EVERYONE commits some of these acts in any relationship. It just depends on how severe. Of course i wouldnt commit or condone abusiveness but some of the numbers someone can innocently do without knowing. Regardless, good tool to look upon.

 

To the original poster. This guy is definitly making the relationship toxic and is definitly making your soul and spirit dwindle. You need to get out fast otherwise you will just be damaged goods for the next person after this guy eventually leaves you. Do whats right for you and leave!

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True, one or two once in awhile may not be a deal breaker but abusers generally have a pattern of using multiple loser-cues and on a regular basis. I found that article really helpful about 5 years ago - it drove home to me just what my ex was doing. He had pretty much all the loser-signs, and I was blinding myself to them. It really helped to see them cold and simple in that article, and the fact that I was nodding to myself and saying "yes, that`s him" helped me decide to leave him.

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Wow, you have gotten some really great advice here. I would say that given the fact that you have some really good evidence that he's being emotionally abusive and manipulative, the choice moving forward is really up to you.

 

He doesn't control you as much as you let him. If you want to take control, then end the relationship now. Best of luck to you dear.

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Part of me still doesn't want to admit that he is doing this to me so breaking it off might take awhile. I started to point all this out to his face thinking that perhaps he is unaware of it.

 

I tried to hit the logic one out but that one might be the deal breaker. He says its just part of his personality that comes accross as arrogant.

 

Anyway...I'm trying to see if he will stop correcting me. We argued over that since he logically believed that criticizing my social skills was beneficial for me. He doesn't want someone else to come along and correct me in a much more harsh manner. I'll see if he stops but I'm not thinking it will happen. He told me all his reasons for the behavior and I told him two things:

a. No matter what you tell me there will always be things that you will tell me to fix about myself. It's a never ending cycle.

b. Do you really feel that correcting me is your job as a BF?

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  • 4 weeks later...

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