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Should parents argue in front of their kids?


rocio

Should parents argue in front of the kids?  

15 members have voted

  1. 1. Should parents argue in front of the kids?

    • No, never
      5
    • Only if it's necessary to get the child's input
      1
    • Only after a certain age
      2
    • Yes, it is good to argue calmly and respectfully in front of the kids
      7


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Of course, kids should not have to watch their parents fight. But what about mature, constructive arguments? Do you think it's healthy for children to watch, or even be allowed to participate? Or is it better for the parents to work through any disagreements behind closed doors, and present a unified front to the kids?

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It depends on the topic and the relative ages of the children. A negotiation over where we are going for dinner is appropriate at any age, but a now that we're broke what are we going to do discussion might be harmful to all but the oldest kids.

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My parents argued in front of me a lot while I was growing up. I was never involved; they never did it specifically to get my input. And although I still get nervous if they start to argue because I know they won't hesitate to do it in front of me, they actually have a loving relationship and I grew up able to see that they argued in order to resolve things that made them unhappy, so even though it was awful watching them fight I could see it was useful.

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Depends on how is the argument presented. If it's constructive talking with no slang language and the child is old enough to have an understanding of the main concept towards the topic then it can be healthy. Afterall it's human to disagree.

 

My parents however didn't and still can argue constructive, bad words are included followed by ugly gestures. The first time I was a little kid, like about 8 or so a bit younger. Now I would get freaked out if a man ever screams at me at the top of his lung with threatening gestures. I would take it was a threat and lash out at him, possibly hurt him in the process.

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Of course, kids should not have to watch their parents fight. But what about mature, constructive arguments? Do you think it's healthy for children to watch, or even be allowed to participate? Or is it better for the parents to work through any disagreements behind closed doors, and present a unified front to the kids?

 

Not a parent, nor did I have my mom for long, but as a kid I found it best when they didn't argue infront of me. The few times I remember and saw them, it got heated, and it's never pleasant to see your parents yelling/fighting. Usually once you begin disagreeing and agrueing (constructively) infront of people/kids it will escalata at times.

 

Plus, come to think of it, the child may take sides on who is wrong or right, even if he/she isn't allowed to participate.

Light bickering and disagreeing is almost inevitable though (e.g. "Honey, please ask for directions..." "No we're not lost"

 

No matter what respect for each other has to always be shown and maintained. Even when the kids or other people aren't present.

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Plus, come to think of it, the child may take sides on who is wrong or right, even if he/she isn't allowed to participate.

Light bickering and disagreeing is almost inevitable though (e.g. "Honey, please ask for directions..." "No we're not lost" Yes that happens. I was often told different versions by them. Dad would just explained how crazy she was and basically since at that time he had more sophisticated words than me (I was a kid then) I would take listened more to him. Mom would tell her version as well.

Now I'm not taking any sides. Why should I go for one??

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These responses are quite helpful to me. I grew up in a single parent home so never got to see it from a kid's perspective.

 

We resolved never to fight in front of our daughter but we do sometimes have arguments. I thought they were pretty calm and respectful, until my daughter got old enough to intervene. She now gets in the middle of us and goes, "no dad!" "no, no!" "mom, no!" and puts her hand up as if to stop us.

 

I feel pretty bad that it's obviously bothering her.

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These responses are quite helpful to me. I grew up in a single parent home so never got to see it from a kid's perspective.

 

We resolved never to fight in front of our daughter but we do sometimes have arguments. I thought they were pretty calm and respectful, until my daughter got old enough to intervene. She now gets in the middle of us and goes, "no dad!" "no, no!" "mom, no!" and puts her hand up as if to stop us.

 

I feel pretty bad that it's obviously bothering her.

 

I saw on Jon and Kate Plus 8 the other night that sometimes they're so busy they NEED to talk things out then and there or else things never get talked about. But later they explain to their kids that "mommy's and daddy's sometimes disagree but still love each other alot".

So I guess that's a good tactic. But like you said, it must be bothering her. I grew up in pretty much a single parent inviroment but with lots of yelling between my dad and his mother and all I wanted was for the yelling to stop. I didnt like seeing my parent distressed and sad/frustrated that way.

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We've never yelled in front of her. It is possible that she's doing that because she wants attention, not because she finds our discussion bothersome. She gets very jealous when we give each other attention or affection. Little diva...

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Yes yelling frustratrates and at times that can get escalated as well esp. with some men that probably weren't taught the right way to deal in arguing with a woman. I got horrible memories of their arguments but at times the flashback itself doesn't allow you to concentrate in what you're doing.

 

I would say impossible to get rid of those flashbacks. Kinda like when you catch your SO in the act of cheating, the image stays with you all your life.

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Lol. I was a diva too. Now I'm a bit ashamed haha. I used to hate it when my parents would go snuggle with each other as a kid. I'd jump in between them! Specially on the bed.

 

Looking back I feel it was wrong. I think if she hates that you both snuggle, maybe give her more hugs or snuggle/hug/kiss her too?

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My mum had several boyfriends. They always had rows, and she'd drag all her children in to it. I remember being dragged out of bed in the middle of the night because of her leaving the house. Over a little tiff.

 

I don't even argue in public with my partner. I refuse to embarrass him, or myself. I rather go away think about things, and then talk it over. Or try to talk calmly with my partner. I'll make sure I do this when my baby arrives also.

 

I dont want my children growing up like I did.

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Lol. I was a diva too. Now I'm a bit ashamed haha. I used to hate it when my parents would go snuggle with each other as a kid. I'd jump in between them! Specially on the bed.

 

Looking back I feel it was wrong. I think if she hates that you both snuggle, maybe give her more hugs or snuggle/hug/kiss her too?

 

She gets more than her share of hugs and snuggles. We joke that she'd be furious is she knew what we do when she's not around.

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I say, if you don't have to do it infront of the kids and don't need their input - don't. Obviously we're not perfect and things will slip out but I would consciously try to avoid it.

 

My parents always ruined Christmas every year because of it. They always argued/bickered on that day and always made us kids feel sh*tty about it. =) Ex: not getting the right gift

 

I also assume the topic wasn't on light topics such as arguing over where to eat dinner as well.

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Actually, we normally argue about the following:

 

-who gets to use the bathroom in the morning

-who gets to sleep in or take a nap

-one of us taking too long to get ready and making the other person late

 

Those three things literally make up about 98% of our arguments

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Actually, we normally argue about the following:

 

-who gets to use the bathroom in the morning

-who gets to sleep in or take a nap

-one of us taking too long to get ready and making the other person late

 

Those three things literally make up about 98% of our arguments

 

Get a big house with a maid, nanny, hairstylist/make up artist.

Solved.

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Certain topics should probably not be discussed in front of children, but healthy, calm disagreement SHOULD be seen. My folks NEVER argued in front of me and in a way, it harmed me. Because I never saw them fight I had very bad emotional reactions in MY relationships when I was older. It took me a few good years not to react like the whole world was ending because my girlfriends and I argued.

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If my parents had shut up and left me out of it I may have turned out less of a wreck. Screaming, swearing, hitting and carrying on like fools? I didn't need that.

 

I think my experience is a bit extreme, but kids just don't need that garbage. They need reality, but the arguing is so stressful.

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arguments handled in a mature and respectful manner are called 'discussions' really.

i think its important to show a child how to properly handle those situations.

 

if you cant get in a discussion without being snarky, loud, belligerent, or lowbrow, then dont do it in front of the kids.

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Well "normal couple" arguments ex: dinner, who gets to sleep in etc... is not what I was referring to. I'd say those are fine if they are more of discussions.

 

I was more talking about the more serious discussions ex: thinking about divorce, DUI, bills, money, stress at work, stress at home with cleaning etc... Those should really be avoided if possible.

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