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I feel like having a 'lets talk it all out' session with my ex. Feeling extremely emotional today!!


DaisyDaisy

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Hey guys, most of you probably don't know the background to my story, which would take far too long to explain. But basically its been 10 months since the split with my ex, and for some bizarre reason I'm feeling extremely emotional today. He's been coming back and forth into my life; neither of us has taken an interest in anyone else and he still loves me deep down but he "can't trust me with his heart".

 

I woke up this morning (I blame it on the hormones) feeling extremely overwhelmed. I can't emotionally handle our "inbetween" relationship anymore, whereby its a contest of who is more laid back, who cares less, who has more pride than the other. I remember in one of our last conversations i said to him "I just wish there wasn't a barrier" and he said "how can there not be". Uhh it just got me so mad. I just wish he'd let go on this tight hold he has on his heart and let me in. That was teh same day he sent me a few texts and actually opened up to me a bit for the first time. Ive been feeling really depressed and i cried for a while as well just wishing things could go back to normal.

 

So i just imagined in my mind what it would be like if I just opened up to him completely, say if we went for a walk and i just put the cards on the table and said... "I know you can't trust me with your heart, because of the way things ended between us, and i know it was my fault we broke up because i told a couple of white lies, but you were wrong about so many things too...You seem to be finally realising that I DO mean EVERYTHING I say and that I do believe in absolute honesty, i have never lied to you about my feelings. Before we broke up, so many times you used to tell me that all I want is a taste of the single life so I can mingle with people and get drunk, so many times you used to tell me that all I want us just to have a summer (last summer) full of partying and drinking without you even involved. One of the reasons we broke up is because you were anxious about me being in France and you kept doubting my feelings when i didn't want to come back. But you were so wrong about it ALL. And if 10 months is not long enough for you to realise that you were wrong, I don't know what is. That summer when you thought all i wanted to do was travel?? take a look at my Filofax, and how i planned that summer, on my schedule was your name written all over it. And all those times, after we broke up, you kept thinking i just wanted to date different guys. Take a look at my dating history. Ask my friends how many guys i've turned down. And all these times you wanted to snoop through my handbag and i wouldn't let you, was because i have kept that marble we found on the ground a few years ago in my bag this whole time. I didn't want you to see that because you seem to always automatically assume i have a ''hidden agenda'', or trying to claw my way back into a relationship with you. But it's not like that. So yeah, maybe you can't trust me with your heart because we broke up, but it's not easy for me either, you broke my heart too. You really broke my heart, but for some insane, stupid, frustrating reason, I still like you so much, thinking that SOMEHOW, SOMEWHERE down the line there is a chance for us, because if you really meant what you said in your texts you sent me the other week, then i can imagine nothing more tragic than us ''settling'' for someone who is ''nice'' even though what we had was so much more amazing. And yeah you are right, things can't be ''the way they were'', because we aren't the way we were, but they can be so much BETTER than the way they were. If only you didnt have such a tight hold on your feelings for the sake of "convenience". You've started to get to know me again since February, so that's me, there is nothing weird about me to know, you know it all already. And maybe I have changed in ways that I couldn't even tell myself, because i haven't distanced myself to notice drastic changes. Maybe you have. But I'm not a self-absorbed person, as you might think. The only reason i dont see what you go through sometimes, is because you don't LET me see what you go through. I can't read your mind all the time. I only want what is best for you too, and that's part of what makes me so frustrated. You once told me that 'fear keeps us from who we are, love keeps us together' and i bet that 99% of everything that youre so afraid of doesn't even exist, and youre just creating so much baggage unecessarily, when really we're just two people who really like each other. I always feel like there is something missing when its a really hot amazing sunny day , i just feel so compelled to see you. You clearly have developed this kind of phobia of commitment and attachment, but i dont want to jump back into anything major with you, but i do just love being with you so much, and all i need to know is whether you can understand what i'm saying and absorb it, see eye to eye with me so i at least know if there is a chance for us somewhere down the line, because if there isn't this is TOO hard this is WAYYY too hard for me to continue this ''inbetween thing'', i wish i could handle it but i REALLY CANNOTT do it anymore at all. I just wanna be like a normal person and have a normal life".

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aaaaaaahhh I just needed to get that all out... I imagined telling him all of that too and i imagined him hugging me afterwards i miss him. This is such a horrible feeling.

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haha yeah. i dont know if I'll tell it ALL to him for real...but i think he needs to know some of it at least.

 

because right now i'm so emotional , i doubt i would feel as emotional on the day that i see him.

 

i feel it could go two ways -

 

1) he says 'no no no, i still have feelings for you but its never gonna happen blah these words dont change anything' bla bla i still can't risk being in a relationship , can't risk there being drama bla bla i'm sorry.

 

2) he opens up as well and tells me about his feelings and we just hug and make up and consider something in the future and talk about good old days and how somethings never change

 

 

I dunno like he's always been a slow kinda guy. Before we ever went out, we were friends for about a year. It took him like 8 months to pluck up the courage of even asking me out.

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1) he says 'no no no, i still have feelings for you but its never gonna happen blah these words dont change anything' bla bla i still can't risk being in a relationship , can't risk there being drama bla bla i'm sorry.

 

I'm in a similar position with someone. If this is the case, you need to step right back, be less available to him, let him know you will not always be there to be his crutch, and what life is like without you.

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I'm in a similar position with someone. If this is the case, you need to step right back, be less available to him, let him know you will not always be there to be his crutch, and what life is like without you.

 

I've tried this, several times.

 

And when i do this, he disappears.

 

But then he ALWAYS comes back after a while. He contacts me etc. we meet up, everything is the way it was.

 

And just when i get my hopes up....he disappears again.

 

And then another few months ago by...and he reappears again. We see each other again. The connection is always there.

 

But...he disappears again.

 

 

And then he'll reappear again...etc. etc.. you can see where this is going.

 

And he says he doesn't want to be and CANT be with anyone else.

 

I just want to end this cycle really.

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Wow, I know exactly how you feel. I experienced a strange comfort from reading this post, knowing that someone else is going through something similar. My advice is not to act on the urge to say exactly how you feel if you can't deal well with the possibility that he will not react the way you would like him to. It creates too much heartache, creates a feeling of hopelessness and only gratifies the "in the moment" urge to feel close again because disclosing how you feel is a way of getting that closeness. Problem is, it's often transitory and leads to conflict which then leads to feeling alone and defensive again. Sigh, it's a vicious cycle.

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I've tried this, several times.

 

And when i do this, he disappears.

 

But then he ALWAYS comes back after a while. He contacts me etc. we meet up, everything is the way it was.

 

And just when i get my hopes up....he disappears again.

 

And then another few months ago by...and he reappears again. We see each other again. The connection is always there.

 

But...he disappears again.

 

 

And then he'll reappear again...etc. etc.. you can see where this is going.

 

And he says he doesn't want to be and CANT be with anyone else.

 

I just want to end this cycle really.

 

 

Then you'll have to tell him that you can't carry on like this and explain to him why.

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I've tried this, several times.

 

And when i do this, he disappears.

 

But then he ALWAYS comes back after a while. He contacts me etc. we meet up, everything is the way it was.

 

And just when i get my hopes up....he disappears again.

 

And then another few months ago by...and he reappears again. We see each other again. The connection is always there.

 

But...he disappears again.

 

 

And then he'll reappear again...etc. etc.. you can see where this is going.

 

And he says he doesn't want to be and CANT be with anyone else.

 

I just want to end this cycle really.

 

I know, I know. I've been guilty of partaking in the cycle myself. Only you will know when you've had enough and can stop responding, stop taking his crumbs. Decide to take responsibility, ask yourself how much can he really care about you? He may be prepared to treat people like that, it doesn't mean you have to. Of course, it's not easy but when you're ready, it is perfectly doable.

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Wow, I know exactly how you feel. I experienced a strange comfort from reading this post, knowing that someone else is going through something similar. My advice is not to act on the urge to say exactly how you feel if you can't deal well with the possibility that he will not react the way you would like him to. It creates too much heartache, creates a feeling of hopelessness and only gratifies the "in the moment" urge to feel close again because disclosing how you feel is a way of getting that closeness. Problem is, it's often transitory and leads to conflict which then leads to feeling alone and defensive again. Sigh, it's a vicious cycle.

 

I AM worried about this happening. It's such a risk, knowing whether you should open up...because if he remains closed off, youre worse than you were before you even opened your mouth. It just leads to feeling exposed and vulnerable.

 

I can't even tell from past experiences. It really could go either way.

 

Because there have been times, with him, that i've really gone all out there and poured out my feelings, with just a nod in response, literally. And its VERY dissatisfying.

 

But then there are times when i have poured out my feelings, and actually gotten something out of it. A couple of weeks ago i stormed out of his place saying 'i hate you dont talk to me ever again' and crying, (because i couldn't handle the 'cycle' anymore) and i thought i wouldn't hear from him after that. But he sent me like long texts in a row saying how he still has feelings for me, stilll misses what we had every day, that i'm the only one he can trust, that he'll always want to be with me, but that the only problem is that he can't trust me with his heart.

 

And then I was back to square one again - GREAT!!! I.e. just kind of emotionally hovering inbetween feelings for the sake of a distant hope.

 

 

I don't even know! Could just keep my feelings to myself and see how it goes a bit longer...build up this "friendship" thing...see him... I know that every time he sees me again he always seems to fall for me a little bit. So that's always one step further to success. But I'm tired of being so close, yet so far away!!

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I don't even know! Could just keep my feelings to myself and see how it goes a bit longer...build up this "friendship" thing...see him... I know that every time he sees me again he always seems to fall for me a little bit. So that's always one step further to success. But I'm tired of being so close, yet so far away!!

 

I won't disclose how long I've done this because it's actually really embarrassing, but believe me it's a LOT longer than 2 months, and it will NOT change. The feelings are still there, simmering away in the background, everytime you get close, they will return. While this isn't just your responsibility (he is quite prepared to keep you both in this position, and enjoy it to some extent), you don't need his permission/acceptance to remove yourself from it.

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Reading this, I think what I have realized about my situation is that a lot of time is spent on trying to shape or mould or define. It's no longer just about spending time together and living life without much thought to anything else. Rather, it becomes a constant search for something that both people can be happy with moving forward.

 

Clearly, this becomes draining and frustrating because what we try to pin down changes depending on how he feels or you feel at the time, what you are thinking and hoping for and what he is thinking and hoping for. I've had weeks when I was on some kind of independent woman crusade, thinking I'll never need him again or any man. Contrast that with the weeks when I feel sick with emptiness and I ache for him - then think about how these sorts of defining conversations end up going. No doubt he swings between wanting and not wanting to be together again too. So, it becomes this random bumping into each other and an interaction of one of these combinations. No wonder it's so frustrating! It just ends up being a series of variations on the same themes.

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I just wanna be like a normal person and have a normal life

 

So why don't you? Seems to me, that you're not taking care of yourself in this situation. You're so set on reuniting with him and the past, that you're not noticing how he's treating you or even asking yourself if that's how you want to be treated. You know, you have choices. You don't have to sit around behaving yourself, atoning for past sins that geez louise, you've apologized for a thousand times and waiting for him to forgive you as if he's a god or something.

 

Take care of yourself! If this were a friendship, would you let it continue the way it is? Heck no!

 

If I were you, I'd talk to him, but I'd narrow it down to one thing that's bothering me. I'd avoid pointing out why he's wrong or that he's got commitment issues because that'd put him on the defensive and turn the conversation into an argument. Instead, I'd let him know that I want to give a relationship another shot and that I'm willing to work on whatever the problems were before. If he still has trust issues, then fine. Let him know that if he ever gets that figured out, to get in touch with you.

 

I mean, stop allowing him to jerk you around! He keeps dangling a relationship over you and then when it gets close, he pulls it away and blames it on trust! I mean, how ridiculous does that sound? You're awesome in every way and the only person he can trust, but his heart doesn't trust you? What a load of crap!

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i know it was my fault we broke up because i told a couple of white lies, but ...

To offer you another perspective, if I were being careful with my heart because someone lied to me, I wouldn't feel safe or comforted by my SO referring to the betrayal as "white lies" and then saying, "I know it's my fault, BUT..."

It wouldn't feel very heart-felt.

I have no idea what your breakup was about ...just those words really stood out to me and I even stopped reading it. Anything after "But" just takes away everything you said before it (to me).

Just hoping to offer something to think about.

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thanks savigon. i dont want to undermine my faults in our past relationship- I know i am to blame for things going bad.

 

the main reason i trivialised it is because its such a long time ago - nearly a year ago. i see it as water under the bridge and i wish he could let it go too.

 

 

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the main reason i trivialised it is because its such a long time ago - nearly a year ago. i see it as water under the bridge and i wish he could let it go too.

Obviously to *him* it's not trivial or he'd be over it, right?? It's easy to say when you were guilty one, "just get over it"...but if you're the one who was hurt, time doesn't always heal by itself or have some sort of time frame. Maybe he can let it go when he feels like you've really taken responsibility for it and you're *not* trivialising it...

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But how do I do that? It DID matter to me at the time and i did see it as a big deal- I thought he was going to hate me forever because of it, and i have told him before I feel so blessed that he's forgiven me (even if its not enough to want a relationship with me again).

 

But now, what do I do?? I know what I did was wrong and i've told him before i would never dream of lying about anything anymore because i know it was a sensitive issue for us so i wouldn't even GO there! I think he believed me when i said this. But he's still obviously refraining from letting me in his heart completely. How do I prove that he can trust me completely, and that things can be worked out ? and that it will be SOooo worth it.

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my take is that when he disappears, it's because he's dating or seeing other women. then, when things don't work out, he comes sniffing back to you. then he meets some other woman and disappears again.

 

i think you don't need to have a huge pow-wow. just stop talking to him.

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Annie, he isn't seeing other women. He feels uncomfortable with other women.

 

He's actually pretty conservative in that he doesn't really "fool around" with other women either, hence why he tells me all the time that he can't imagine himself with anyone else.

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