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He's stringing me along. Advice and insight welcome!

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Hello, this is my first post on eNotalone. I want to say thank you ahead of time to whomever is patient enough to read this entire post!


I need advice and I think it would best if most of the details are divulged in order to get accurate insight on this matter. So please bear with me in this long winded entry.


All names have been changed in this post.


Mark and I met through mutual friends in New Jersey back in October of 2006. Mark is from Chicago and I live in the outskirts of Philadelphia. Despite the long distance, we were able to maintain a relationship for 2 years. We were both fortunate to have the time and the finances to be able to see each other on an every other month basis for several weeks at a time. He was 19 at the time and I was 23. Now normally, the age difference alone, mainly with him being still in his teens would have deterred me, but when we spoke of things and got along so well, the age never became an issue so why cause it to be one? He seemed very mature for his age and he was nearing his 20's anyway, at least that was my reasoning at the time.


However, we immediately ran into issues approximately one and a half months into the relationship. In that midst of a visitation, he happened to find a mapquest printout for my ex-boyfriend's house. He assumed it was Tom's place (being that he's never been there) because I've told him about my ex enough that he knew of the town name. I didn't deny it and said that yes, it was indeed a printout for directions to Tom's place. Mark knew very well since the beginning that I was on friendly terms with Tom. Tom and I were high school sweethearts and stayed that way for 6 years before we drifted apart. We broke up well after we both knew that we were beating a dead horse and were both ready to move on. That was already more than a year ago by the time I met Mark. I initially didn't maintain contact with Tom when we broke up for obvious reasons, but after the dust had settled we both tried our hand in being friends and it worked out well and it still does to this day. My heart is no longer with him in that way.


Anyway, Mark became irate and demanded on why I was going to visit Tom. I unfortunately could not remember on exactly why I had went or even when I had gone, but I told him that it was either the time I went to drop off a headset he wanted to borrow, old party pictures he wanted, or simply to talk over coffee. He became so angry with me, that he threw my belongings at me and told me to go because it seems that I just want to hang out with Tom anyway. Then he proceeded to punch the wall of his Aunt's house, causing enough ruckus that his family later gave me a look when I re-emerged from the bedroom. I remember feelings so overwhelmed with complete shock, some fear, and confusion and anger also. I felt that I trusted Mark enough that he would never lash out so irrationally like this and he did it to the point where it actually scared me. I soon became furious and asked him how dare he act like that especially in his family's house and to say such things to me. I told him that I am sorry that I did not remember exactly when or the reason why I had visited Tom, but rest assured it was absolutely nothing and I tried to say it with as much conviction as I could to ease any of his doubts. I wanted him to believe because it was the truth.


He also for the next several weeks displayed extreme possessive behavior. Mark would check over my buddylist and find people that he knew and exclaim with disgust on how I could talk to "these guys," and that they're "scumbags." He warned me profusely not to speak to them because he knows OF them and that they're not good men. I was taken aback and thanked him in a firm tone for the warning, but it is my decision on who I associate with and if they're not good people then it'll be my mistake to learn. I also said that if there was a valid reason, then I would take his advice into consideration, but since he could not give me one aside from rumors he has heard or just a hunch that he has, I could not appease him. I did however, reassure him that I do not flirt or give the impression that I am available to these men. I tried my best to calm Mark down.


At this time I realized that he had severe insecurity issues with all the behaviors he has displayed. Eventually after confronting him, he admitted he had been cheated on. It was the classic almost cliché, "I walked in on them," case. However, he was 16 at the time, but he swore up and down that she was his first love and I can believe it because I too, have been there at that age. So I understood his pain and became sympathetic to his behavior. I tried not to excuse his actions because of his story, but at the same time I became more cautious about my actions so that I do not open his wounds.


Things went well for a long time and his possessiveness and insecurity progressively got better as trust grew over time. Then one evening while I was visiting his place we got into a heated argument. My memory fails me, I don't know why this happens, that's a whole new issue I won't bring up here, but I forgot why we were arguing. Either way, it wasn't the crux of the issue because what happens next, once again caused fear in me. In the midst of our argument, I told Mark that I'm going to take a walk because I needed to cool off. I left without bothering to see what his reaction was. 15 minutes later and I'm rounding the corner on his street, mind you this is late at night well after the sun went down, and here he comes marching up the sidewalk. As I see his shadow moving closer I can tell by his movements that he is enraged and I immediately freeze, feeling anxiety. He then gets in my face, grabs my arm and yanks it hard and says "Where do you think you're going?" I yanked my arm back and said "I told you, I needed to cool off what's your problem?" He then pulls both my arms and says "You're coming back NOW," as if I'm a little child. I became scared and angry at the fact that he's handling me physically like I'm some toy, something with disregard. I felt shamed and disrespected and said "NO, I'll walk back on my own!" and tried prying myself away from his grip. He then pulls me so hard, I'm jerked forward and lose one of my shoes and he proceeds to pick me up in bear hug form and begins walking back to the house. I began fighting back by pushing and struggling and I eventually yelled that I lost one of my shoes and if he doesn't let go now I'm going to scream and the neighbors will call the cops. He lives in a nice suburban neighborhood where any noise would wake up the dead. He

then yelled "GO AHEAD, YELL." I couldn't believe how he was behaving! He eventually let go of me after a long struggle and by the time I walked by to my shoe, I was trembling and he was breathing hard and still furious. I didn't know what else to do, so I walked several feet behind him back home.


We talked about that incidence and he apologized. Stupidly, I forgave him. Love makes you do crazy things.


Later on about a couple months later, we're now at my apartment where I live alone. Again, we're arguing. Over what? I don't know, in the end the subject matter is so irrelevant or miniscule when compared to the actions chosen in attempts to resolve it. This time, my fuse was short, my patience was running low and I instigated this next incidence. Whatever we were arguing about, I didn't want to hear it and I proceeded to be childish

and put on my headset to listen to music. I figured with the way he usually acts, he'll act blasé about it and ignore me and that will go on for the next few hours til we both cooled down. Except this time, he became furious that I decided to ignore him and he came up to me and slapped the headset off. He swears he gently pulled them off, but he slapped them because they flew off several feet away after I felt the one side push into the side of my head and they broke where they lay. If he had gently taken them off my head and said that we needed to talk, I would have done so and felt regrettable about choosing to ignore him. That would have been the mature action he could have chosen, but I felt the anger behind his hand when he pushed the headset off and that in turn caused me to become even more irritated with him. So I turned and scoffed at him "No wonder your ex-girlfriend cheated on you, with the way you behave." IMMEDIATELY as soon as I said that, my eyes were wide with horror and my hand flew up to my mouth because I couldn't believe that I had just said that. It was one of those oh my god what have I done situations where you are instantaneously filled with regret and wish you could take it back. About that same time, his eyes were wide with rage and he said "What? What did you just say?" and I was still shell-shocked so I couldn't say anything let alone look at him. As he got up, I stammered and attempted to apologize, but the words weren't coming out fast enough and my mind was racing. He then pushed me off my chair and

began choking me. His hands were around my neck cutting off my air and I was filled with adrenaline. I began fighting back and struggled to get myself free. It lasted probably no longer than 10 seconds, but it felt like eternity because for all I know, he could have went off the deep end and killed me right then.


I got up and ran to my bedroom and locked it and screamed for him to get out the house and that he was insane. He began sobbing and begged me to come out saying that he was sorry and he didn't know what came over him. This went on for the next hour until I finally ventured out. I lost all trust in him. I didn't know what to do, but I knew he had to go. That night I

drove him to the train station so that he could stay with his family in NJ.


I apologized to him regardless of what he did, for my comment. I knew that what I said was the most hurtful thing I could have said to him. It was an extreme sore spot if not the sorest, one that he never properly healed of. I did not know what to do with him now. I still loved him, but I was so shocked and hurt, I knew things wouldn't be the same, not at least for a long



I ended up staying with him for another year. He wouldn't talk about that incidence for a long time, I felt even more betrayed because it felt like he wanted to just sweep it under the rug and forget about it. We would discuss it for a short amount of time, but never successfully to the point where it felt helpful. He would end the conversation quickly with complaints such as "I don't want to think about it, I don't want to talk about it, I feel like crap already. Alright I got it, I F'd up." etc. I wouldn't drill it into him if he could actually sit down and have a serious, mature, open conversation about it, but this is his main issue. He is cold and distant and he has such a "F*** it" attitude when it comes to anything that makes him feel bad or is problematic. He is non-confrontational. He becomes defensive and does anything he can to avoid resolving issues because all it does in his words is "makes me feel bad and I don't want to think about it."


People say I am too naive in that I always give the benefit of the doubt or second chances are my downfall. I believe in redemption, forgiveness, and second chances.


During this time he said he was going through a lot, was under stress from school and etc so he wanted to "take a break." We didn't break up, but he said that he was going to distance himself for a while. I was flabbergasted. I already felt that he was distant enough, both physically and because of the way he is, but I was accommodating and agreed. I loved him and wanted to help him as much as I could. I know he hides within himself and doesn't talk about issues. He would much rather internalize it all, burying it away and never speaking of it. The damage of that comes out clearly in almost everything he chooses to say and do. If I could sum up words that are the main theme of his personality or problems, it would be that he is cold and distant. I almost want to say that he has Alexithymia, which isn't really the case, because there have been times where he's broken down and cried and talked about how he feels, but at the same time he almost feels empty. This was a huge problem for me because over time during the course of the two years we were together, I gradually became more and more insecure about his feelings towards me. I ended up feeling an almost constant need for his love or reassurance that he loves me.


Anyway, we ended up not seeing each other for about 5 months. He eventually came around and things started looking up again. By that time, the damage was done to me. I had begged him to come back, I was tired of just having small talk with him couple times a week, I wanted to help him, get to know him more, I said I would be there for him, but he never utilized it. So when he came back, I felt bitter, having felt so alone for many months without my boyfriend, who's also supposed to be a friend to me. It's like my needs weren't a priority, it was all about him, he needed to take care of himself. He later explained that was the point. That he needed time away so he can get himself together so that he could be a better boyfriend to me. A part of me could agree with it, but during those months, I too was going through a hard time, I had others I could lean on, but not knowing when he was going to get better really put a strain on me.


I became snappy and irritable for the most part in the months thereafter. We got into a lot of petty arguments and my insecurity was through the roof. I didn't know how he felt about me after all he's done. The possessiveness, the emotional unavailability, the lack of affection, the physical fights, the break he took from the relationship it all just came crashing down. Eventually, I said to him one day that, we barely get to see each other as it is, we're both no longer fortunate to visit one another when we want. We both have school and work coming up, so how is this hardly a relationship? How can we maintain a relationship that has problems to begin with, when we don't even have the time to fix it or see each other? I told him that and we decided to end it. However we ended it on the hopes that we may one day try this again. Mark said he wanted to graduate and maybe move out to me. I then got the idea that why not just do it now? I could help him get through school here. Then later we both agreed the smart thing to do is if he just stays in Chicago and finishes school there because he only had about one and a half semesters to go anyway.


I felt devastated. I felt utterly alone and failed at a relationship that I tried my best in. I know I made lots of mistakes in my previous relationship with Tom so when I was ready for my next relationship which was with Mark, I felt like I was matured, better and definitely ready to do things differently. I truly poured my heart out into the relationship with Mark, I've compromised

and bitten my tongue many times and after time it wasn't so hard. I loved him dearly, but I couldn't take the coldness, emptiness, and his distant behavior. It's not that he was never affectionate or never said "I love you," or that we never had great times together, laughing, smiling, being goofy, being a normal couple. However, when things got down and rough, that's when it counts. What matters not is the good times as that can come fairly easily, but what matters is the choices you make when times are harsh and when it came down to that, he always clammed up or chose to be rude, sarcastic, make snide remarks, get defensive or just basically tell me to F off. This was the biggest failure. We could never progress as a couple because he chose to be uncooperative.


Almost every decision he made was counter-productive in finding a resolution. There are times when I was simply telling him my feelings or what the problem was, without any insults, yelling, a condescending tone, just quite matter of fact and calmly, he would just become defensive or make sarcastic comments to try and shut me up. He would then later say that I always make him feel bad. It was never my intention that always baffled me. I even tried listening to the way I speak to him, but I don't see how I did it. The advice I had been given is that it's his perception that I am MAKING him feel that way intentionally when really it is simply his own reaction to what I'm saying because it is probably true and his own guilt comes to the surface. He then blames me for feeling that way, when really there should be no blame, but himself.


So we've been broken up since December of 2008 and I had a rebound. I really dislike calling it those, but I'm saying it for the sake of ease. It wasn't someone random either, it was a friend whom I've known for almost 7 years. Adam said he was sick and tired of seeing me hurt and with someone who clearly doesn't deserve me in his words. He offered comfort, stability, and said that we get along so well already anyway. For the first month of this, I told him that I wasn't ready, that I do not want a relationship. Adam complied, but he still asked every so often if I would be his. After time, I reasoned that, why should I stay in this state of loneliness and unhappiness, hoping that one day Mark would come around being the man I want him to be, when a good friend of mine is offering exactly what I want? So, I gave in and thought, maybe this is the way it should be. Maybe this is how life goes on.


Mark of course, knew about this relationship with Adam. I told him about it and he stated that he didn't know what to do. Apparently it affected him a lot more than I thought it would. We maintained contact during the two months I was with Adam and there were times where we talked about what went wrong and other times we talked normally about the weather and

such. Mark claimed that he still loved me but that he wasn't going to ask for me back. That he wasn't "going to be that guy." I didn't understand. He said he didn't like Adam, but that if Adam makes me happy then so be it. I didn't want to believe that because I knew he didn't believe that. I wanted Mark to ask me to come back, I wanted him to show me passion for once and fight for me, but he didn't. I became even more hopeless with the thought that he never really loved me, my insecurities ate at me more. I didn't use my relationship with Adam for this, but when Mark and I talked it simply crossed my mind what if he asks for me back and fights for me? What do I do then? However he didn't and that caused me to be more convinced that Mark doesn't love me like he says he does.


I became angry and confused and I stayed with Adam because he did comfort me and alleviate some of the pain. However, we didn't last long. We were a couple for a short two months. Unfortunately for Adam, as much as I care for him, I could not love him back with the way I was. I wasn't ready and most of all, during the time I was with him, I realized more and more that I was still in love with Mark. It was unfair of me to be in a new relationship when I wasn't all there, my mind and heart being elsewhere. I didn't want to use a new relationship to get over an old one, it wasn't like that. So I told Adam, that as much as I wanted to try, I couldn't at this time. I began focusing on what to do or say to try and attempt at a second chance

with Mark. I reasoned that if I still loved him this much, it must be worth fighting for or staying with him. During the last week of my relationship with Adam, Mark tells me that he has a girlfriend.


I panicked. I left Adam immediately. I felt that if I had any chance in reviving our relationship, it would have to be done soon. Then I realized, what can I do? I can't make him leave his girlfriend. I felt devastated. I felt like the tables were turned. Fast forwarding, Mark goes on to tell me that I shouldn't feel so bad because.....at least his girlfriend is a better person than

Adam. WHAT? I was infuriated. I told him, it doesn't matter if his new gf is a good person or better than Adam, it doesn't make it hurt any less. I told him, it would be a lie to say that I am



happy for you that you're happy now because this type of situation doesn't emote happy feelings. I told him that if she treats him well, then fine, it's better THAN being treated poorly, but it does not make me feel good that you're with someone else. He also said that he still loves me, but now he is confused and doesn't know what to do because he felt that I chose Adam over him. He felt that I was never coming back.


I felt heartbroken. I wanted to tell him that if he had fought for me I would have came back, but I didn't. Instead I told him that I never chose Adam over him, I told him the truth. I said that Adam had what I wanted and was offering me solace which I so desperately needed at the time. I said that if you could have done it for me, I wouldn't feel the need to find it anywhere,

but the fact that I always felt lonely and you felt so cold was the reason that drove me away. I asked him what did he think the whole time I was asking for reassurance of his love? It wasn't because I was being overbearing with neediness and being clingy, but because of the lack of love and affection made me seem that way. I even asked him several times "Is it

that hard to give someone some reassurance and declarations of love sometimes when they ask for it, if you really love them?" I don't understand how you can become angry with the person you supposedly love if they ask for it. It should come easy...if not you should be more than willing. The fact he also didn't fight for me back just pushed me farther away during

that time, but in the end I wanted to come back anyway and now he was unavailable.


Several weeks later, he told me he got into an argument with his girlfriend and they broke up. I didn't ask how it came to be, it wasn't my place and I didn't want to know, but from what I can gather or assume, she probably got tired of seeing me text him or him calling me and asked questions to which he didn't want to answer straight. All he told me was that "we got into an argument and things got bad then I just told her to stop right now and we should end it."


During one phone call that I had initiated, my intention was to get closure. I realized that during the time we were apart, I always told him with sincerity that even if it might be inappropriate or weird, if he ever needed someone to talk to, if he had any problems, that I'll be there. I said I was only a phone call away. I really meant it because regardless of everything we've been through, I still cared about him even though it felt like it wasn't always reciprocated. I realized that...he never offered that to me since he's been with the new gf of one month and after they broke up. I realized that many of my past calls were just that, MY past calls, he no longer initiates contact. I realized that, he's always out partying and meeting new people, I am 1,000 miles away I am sure that I am soon being forgotten. So what I wanted was, now that we're both single what are the chances of getting back together again and if not, does he even care about me at all, as a friend even as painful that is to ask, and if he doesn't he needs to tell me the truth because I need answers in order to move on.


He told me that he still cares, he is "pretty sure" he still loves me, but that he isn't interested in any relationships right now. I said that was fine, I'm sort of contemplating that too, but I was willing to make an exception for him if he wanted to get back together. I said there was no pressure, but that I am willing to try again. However, I will be patient and I also trust that if

he loses all interest or feelings that he has the decency to let me know so that I don't feel strung along or feeling hopeful for nothing. He agreed.


Now here comes the end of the story. We've stopped talking about the past, I said that I was ready to let it go and just start slowly as friends. It's been working out well and I even talked about possibly visiting in the summer time just to see how it goes. He asked where I would stay, I said I can stay at a hotel or ask my family (I also have family in the greater Chicago area). He asked me how much it would cost, he was appalled and said it would be a rip off for a weekend visit, so he said I was welcome to stay at his place, but in the guest bedroom.


He then said that he hopes that I know it doesn't mean we'll get back together right then and there. I said that I knew and it would only be when he was ready. I said I'll only visit if he's okay with it and he said we'll talk about it some more. Things seemed to go fine, but then I slowly the negativity started sinking in.


Thoughts were ruminating through my mind and I thought to myself, don't be stupid and invest time again in someone you're not even sure of. Simply because I love him isn't a good enough reason to put myself at risk of going through hurt again especially for someone who isn't reciprocating the same feelings. Then I would have contradictory thoughts where I would hear him tell me that he still loves me and he's also told me that "it's never too late." I thought maybe I'm overanalyzing, maybe he's in the same boat as me. Advice from friends tell me that I should watch out and that my insecurities have a very valid reason.


I've always felt insecure with Mark because he gave me reasons to. Had he been a more reassuring lover, I wouldn't feel so neglected. I never let my suspicions get the best of me, but I always felt like there was something wrong or that there is more to it than simply the way he acts towards me. It would be almost constantly back and forth because there were great times I've had with him or times where he was wonderful. However, it was never enough. I always felt like there was something else. I always craved the truth from him. I never thought of him as a true liar, but someone who might omit a truth here and there. Someone who tells half - truths and that always bothered me. So finally tonight, my curiosity got the best of me and I did something disgraceful. However, I feel like I might have got my answers.


Tonight, I went into his facebook account. I know, despicable behavior. Typical, stalker, psycho ex-girlfriend. I feel like I am a hypocrite, but the need for answers were just finally too much. I want the truth no matter how much it hurts and I felt like he was sort of stringing me along. Lo and behold, I find his facebook chat logs which he didn't clear. One of them was from today and he was talking to a girl about his day. He said "girlfriend went to work, so I'm alone now." He has a girlfriend...? Whether this is the same one as before or a new one I do not know. He is also flirting with numerous other females which I think is unfair to his new girlfriend if that is true. I also read his inbox messages, one where he is talking to a friend and saying that he doesn't want to talk about anything (go figure) that he's stressed and also having "stupid ex" problems. One of the chat logs occurred today during the basketball game. I know this because I was talking to Mark at the time on AIM and he said brb. I assumed he went to go finish watching the game on TV. I found out on facebook he went to go "baby making practice time." Whether that was a joke or not, it seems obvious he has a girlfriend. I don't know why he would lie to people I don't talk to about having a girlfriend. The only person he would have a reason to lie to is me. During that time I didn't know what was going on, I only know this information now because I got into his account many hours later. So during that time we were talking on AIM, I truly thought he went to watch the game about a hour or so later he came back to say that he was going to bed and said good night. He actually ended up talking on facebook to a few girls for a little while longer. I've messaged him several times on AIM during that time and asked if everything was alright because I felt like he was being a little avoidant. He was on facebook talking to a girl about how he feels depressed and doesn't know why. He clearly could have responded to my aim message but he chose not to. Also, if he really has his girlfriend over, I'm sure she has no idea what is going on and if she sees my screen name I'm sure he doesn't tell her anything. Not that he

needs to, but that is unfortunate for her.


I am still in shock. Shock because I didn't think it would really be like this and shock because I feel vindicated for all my insecure feelings. I am unsure next of what to do. I am sure if I should just completely cut him off on the phone, AIM, everything without saying a word OR do I tell him what I've come accross and then do that? I thought of revenge because I am sick of seeing all these people fall for someone like him because he is amicable and easily likeable when he wants to be, but that they have no idea of the things he's said and done. However, I know that isn't going to change anything except make me look poor. I want to confront him, but in doing that also runs the risk of having him just shut me out before I can say anything because I invaded his privacy. I know it was wrong, but at the same time I feel like shoving it in his face and saying "I knew it!" I feel extreme disappointment, heartache, and

anger. Angry at him for stringing me along and lying to me and angry at myself for letting someone get the best of me like this. It's all colliding with the fact that there is a high possibility he lied about many other things. Quite simply, I feel played and I am feeling bloodthirsty.


What do I do? How can I let go of this? How can I get closure and move on? Am I wrong? How do I deal with this? I want to confront him about this, should I? Is it worth even doing? Thank you for bearing with me.

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Hi Incognito,


Welcome to ENA. I have to say that's probably the longest post I have ever read!


In a nutshell, you need to instigate No Contact.


That means absolutely no contact of any sort, no checking up on him online or by any other means.



Revenge is never a good road.


You need to let this go and not grade it with severity or what is worse. You simply need to cut all ties of any sort.

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OH WOW, LONGEST POST I've seen. Hi, Incognito, I suggest you try shortening the post next time. Basically, you are just repeating over and over that he is not a good guy for you, jealous, violent, obsessive, controlling, etc.


Only time heals your broken heart. go NC completely.

It really does not matter what he is doing, who he is chatting with. Stop obsessing.

GO NC. No chatting, no logging into his facebook, no phone calls, no asking mutual friends.


Stay busy. You need to read your post again. Remember what he did to you. You don't deserve it. He is not good for you. It's sooo obvious!!!! Move on!!

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I didnt read all of your post, didnt need to, just looking at the length of it all i can say is NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT!!


As things stand right now if you want a positive outcome to this mess, whatever that maybe, reconciliation (though you are better off without him!), finding a new person or just simply getting over it all, NO CONTACT is the only way to get to that outcome...


NC is not easy, its extremely tough (i am on day 3 after an email explaining we need NC and i am very down today) but it really is the only possible road towards a happier more positive you.


Its been said a million time on these boards but if you can 100% depend on anything her to make things better, its NC!

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I am still in shock.


Why? I mean, all he has done is show you over and over and over again what kind of person he is.


He's not stringing you along, you're stringing you along. You have to make the choice to cut him off, to think about something else when you think of him and to move on from this patheticness.

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Thanks again all.


You guys are absolutely right...it's just easier said than done. That great yearning to call him, ask questions, closure, confrontation, whatever, it doesn't matter at this point. It's quite clear how he feels towards me, I shouldn't be shocked at anything he does at this point. I am stringing my own self along.


It's going to be tough especially because I am currently unemployed and have way too much idle time on my hands. Most of my friends reside in North Jersey and I've only befriended two people in the entirety that I've lived in PA which is 3 years. So, it'll be difficult to say the least, but I know it's the right if not the healthiest thing I can do for myself.


It hurts having invested so much time, emotion, care into someone who seemingly carelessly disregarded it all. I feel extremely low right now and I am afraid I'm going to fall into a hole again. I can't afford psychiatrists, medication and getting charged $70.00 per therapy session ever since I got new medical insurance last year. All I hope for is strength to get through each waking hour. ARGH :sad: I will try my best.

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That was too long for my brain to process but since your title is "He's stringing me along", I agree with the poster who said you're stringing yourself along....you get to say NO MORE. If he's exhibited the same behavior over and over, you need no more evidence of his intentions, character, etc. By saying "He" is x, y, z to "Me", you are saying he has the power and control and you are a victim.

Why would that be?

Can you stop this pattern?

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Sorry for the excruciatingly long post! It all came pouring out tonight.


It's because I feel betrayed. I trusted him to some degree still despite the things he has done. He has told me even recently that he is "pretty sure I still love you," and that it is "never too late." Even though he expressed that he didn't want a relationship as of right now. I think the it's never too late part really is what gave me hope.


All I wish for is for him to come clean and basically tell me to exit his life and that he has absolutely no interest in me. I feel betrayed because he's enticing me with sweet words and hopes, but he's currently in a relationship from what I can assume from last night's incidence. I'd rather have him tell me honestly how he feels, rather than keeping me around for whatever reason. I too, am guilty of this, staying around, but my intent was working on the possibility of renewing our relationship. His intent? I have no idea. That is the reason for all this.


Regardless, at this point from what advice I am gathering, the best thing to do is to just cut him off in every manner. Hardest thing to deal with? Him not being able to be honest and push me away and instead I have to just stop questioning and move on. To me, having no answer or truth from a person is extremely difficult to deal with.

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Damn. You've been through a lot.

Have you thought about getting a survival job, just to help out for awhile? I know some banks are hiring and usually there are part-time retail jobs available. It's not the greatest, but at least it'll get you some income and distract you from things for awhile.


Also, I know it may be kind of hard to view your situation in a positive light, but honestly, you're in such a good place right now. You've dodged a bullet with that one! Mark was dangerous and abusive. A lot of what you wrote about him, reminded me of this article:


link removed


To me, it sounds like Mark had a lot of anger and unresolved issues (none of which are your fault or responsibility to fix) and instead of getting help or dealing with it in a healthy manner, he took it out on you. I mean, he choked you! Do you really want to be with someone like that?

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Thanks weeblie.


I am fresh on the hunt for jobs. I've even considered going back to some volunteer work, it's always nice to help others when it feels like your own problems are larger than life. Besides, it'll keep me occupied, but I'm gearing towards a paid occupation due to my living situation. I'm looking for pretty much anything right now just to get some income flowing in. Resources are going to start running low!


Everyone has been helpful with their advice; with the NC. I feel much more confident in general and in my decision making since having read the responses. No, I don't want to be with someone who got so out of control that they chose to choke me in their anger. He most definitely has lots of unresolved issues/anger problems that he won't/doesn't care to deal with. Not my problem anymore.


To all who have responded, I am grateful. Thanks once again. It really helped a lot.

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