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tough love or a bad friend?


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Alright, so my husband and I of almost 3 years are planning a divorce. I say planning, because he is in the army, we have a 9 month old. He should be getting out of the army within the next 4-5 months. I am staying here with him so that he can have a good relationship with his son. We are divorcing after we move back home and get settled. With that said, my husband and I, for the most part, have a good relationship. It's weird and deffinitely not normal, but it works for us. We hang out together, spend time with our son, still sleep in the same bed, and although we do fight (more often than we should) the situation is the best it can be for now. I'm not unhappy, depressed, or any of the above. I have great friends, a wonderful son, and a caring "roommate" so to speak.

Now, last week, my two "best friends" from back home called me on 3-way. They verbally attacked me and said they were doing it "out of love" and that they were trying to "save" me. They said that I've been making the wrong decisions all my life, and they're tired of waiting for me to make the right one. That they're sick of watching me drown. None of this makes any sense to me. I am for the most part happy, and voice that to them any time we talk. They want me to leave my husband RIGHT NOW. They don't want me to wait, and I feel that waiting until he is out of the army is the best thing to do. I don't want to start the divorce process in a different state, because they laws differ between states. I don't want to start a divorce over the phone (which they suggested) because although we both know it's coming, it's going to be a very hard, emotional time for me, and I want my family there to lean on.

My "friends" gave me this analagy: I've been on a bumpy, gravel road for a long time, and have finally reached a crossroads and smooth pavement is just a jump away. They said they're sick of seeing me on the gravel road, and they're waiting on the pavement for me to jump. Here's my question. Am I wrong in thinking that a friend should be with me, wherever I'm at? I feel like a true friend would wait until you are ready, not try to manipulate and give you ultimatiums to get you to do what they want. I could understand their point if I was in any danger, or if I was totally unhappy, but I'm not. I really want to know other people's opinions, because it's my view that a TRUE friend would be waiting on the gravel, holding your hand, telling you that they're ready to jump when you are.

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thank you!!! now I don't feel so crazy for being mad! I almost don't want to even talk to them anymore! If they're not going to give me the respect and courtesy of making my own decisions, they don't deserve to be there for me after I've already been through the storm that they should have been there for.

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yes, I"m stumped. I can't for the life of me figure out what THEIR rush is?? Like it's their life or their marriage. I think they have this illusion that I am staying here to try to make things work with my husband (whom they hate) when I'm not. We both go out and see other people. We are friendly to each other, and work side-by-side, he tells me about his girl problems... like I said, it's a weird relationship, but we've adjusted and it works for us. I don't understand why the majority of my friends think that my business is their business?? Or why they are offended if I don't do exactly what they think I should do? I'm sorry, but neither of them have a child. Until you have a child, and until you've been cheated on numerous times... don't tell me that you know how I feel or understand what I'm going through! They have no idea... and I don't know if they ever will... they are still living their childish lives, being pampered. Never had to go through anything hard, or even pay their way in life... and now they want to tell me how to live mine!!! ahhhhh.. sorry. I'm so glad that I got this all out, because it's been eating me up, and I feel MUCH better thanks!

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I would probably be the same way if I didn't feel that I (in some way.... a very very slight way) contributed to him cheating. I don't blame myself but see now things that I could have done then to prevent it. That, and I in no way, shape, or form want to damage his relationship with our son because of our problems. He's a great dad, and I would never take that away from my son. So, the best situation is to remain friends, and move on with our separate lives.

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I would probably be the same way if I didn't feel that I (in some way.... a very very slight way) contributed to him cheating. I don't blame myself but see now things that I could have done then to prevent it. That, and I in no way, shape, or form want to damage his relationship with our son because of our problems. He's a great dad, and I would never take that away from my son. So, the best situation is to remain friends, and move on with our separate lives.

 

I suppose I feel the same way as you, my ex did cheat on me and that ended our marriage but I still consider him a good father. I still want to remain friends with him and still am, but still am hurt over what happened.

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First and foremost I think your friends were extremely presumptuous and ham-fisted in how they approached you with their concerns. I don't blame you for being offended.

 

But I can see how to a concerned outsider your relationship with your soon-to-be-ex husband is not just unusual but a little alarming. I think it's the fact that the two of you are apparently still sleeping in the same bed even while he's (apparently) dating other women that seems especially whacky. I think if a friend of mine was in the situation you've described, I'd be worried about her well-being. I'd wonder if she felt trapped in her current situation, forced by circumstances (being mother to a young infant, dependent on husband's income) to tolerate things that I imagine I would never tolerate.

 

I say this not to judge you at all, merely to say that to someone outside your situation, some of the things that you describe do not sound good. If my sister were in your situation, or my best friend of 20 years, I think I'd feel obliged to speak up. Hopefully with more sensitivity and tact than your friends demonstrated! But I'd be worried. If you say it's working for you, I'm glad. But ... couldn't he sleep on the sofa?

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I think, while it's your decision, that it's hard for friends to speak up like that and while they may not have it done it the "right" way, they came together in what they thought was your best interest, which seems like good friends to me!

If my dear friend were cheated on but continued to live with her husband who she said she was "going to" divorce, but still sleeping the same bed and saying she was "happy", I would definitely be concerned and wonder why she was telling herself she's happy. You say that you want to get your divorce at home where you can "lean on" your family which indicates that you know it'll be hard and you will not be "happy"....so, why put all that off for his sake? Was he thinking of what would be best for your sake or for your son's sake when he cheated on you? This all seems awfully convenient for him and if I were you friend I might've done the same thing. Most good friends can put in their honest two-cents and still stay friends, which I'm sure you all will. In the meantime, ask yourself if they have any valid points.... why are you putting off the inevitible divorce? Why are you thinking of the consequences of his relationship with his son when he didn't? In what ways are you happy with this situation? How do feel sleeping in the same bed as him? Do you *really* want a divorce or are you hoping to mend things?

It seems like if you're *this* angry with your friends but "happy" with your husband, there's some imbalance there and whenever you're 'that' angry, the other person has usually hit a nerve by saying something that you don't to see or hear.

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wow, great questions! I'm putting off the divorce because it will be easier for me to do it while I'm back home. We both want a divorce, yes, but he is my best friend and the only thing I've ever known for the past 3 years. I gave up my life for him, and built a new one around him and his needs, so even though we both know it's for the best, it is still going to be extremely hard. I have a really hard time letting go, but I know that I don't want to stay with him. The situation doesn't make me happy... my son does. I wake up every day and tell myself that I have to be happy... sometimes I have to pretend, sometimes I don't... but I want my son to have a good childhood and part of that is not having mom crying and being an emotional basket case every day. I'm angry with my friends because of the WAY the approached me. If the would have called me individually and just stated their opinion and why there were worried about me, I would thank God that I have friends that care that much. They pretty much told me that if I didn't leave him right this minute, they weren't going to be there for me. That's what I'm mad about. Also the fact that there were lots of lies about me (I did coke when I was pregnant, I have an STD, and I lie to them about everything) that were completley UNTRUE, and I was very offended by them because anyone that knows me would know that I would never do those things.

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