Guys - why would you hit on a friend who's just been through a breakup?

[viajera]

I'm not sure if this is the best forum for this, but I'll give it a shot.

 

I split up with my husband 3 months ago, am currently divorcing (so still legally married), and - while better now - was pretty much a basket case for the first month or two. During this time, like anyone, I turned to my friends, most of whom are women, but 3 of whom are older (40s or 50s to my 36) men - 2 local Latino friends and one Canadian. The two Latinos are both married, one very happily and recently married to a dear woman whom he loves and who's really improved his life; the other I don't know anything verifiable about his marriage. The Canadian is single, but infatuated with a local girl who is both much younger and more conventionally beautiful than I.

 

I turned to these men as friends, and saw them as "safe", "off-limits" because of the combination of the age difference, their marriages/involvements, and the fact that I am both legally married and emotionally vulnerable. Yet all three of these men hit on me very strongly - the first (a man I work with) groped and propositioned me while we were at a bar having a "friendly" drink, the second (the happily married man whose wife I'm also friends with) tried repeatedly to get me to go to bed with him while his wife was out running an errand(!), and the Canadian invited me to his new apartment to "advise him on the decor" then "accidentally" kissed me.

 

What is up with this? I would never think of hitting on a friend who was still traumatized from a breakup. A part of me feels like they were trying to take advantage of my vulnerability, which makes me angry, but yet otherwise they've always been good friends and I'm reluctant to damage the friendship over this. So guys, or girls - what gives?

[annie24]

i think cheating on one's wife may be more socially acceptable in some countries than others.

[viajera]

Annie, that's *definitely* true down here, so I'm not as surprised by my two local friends.

 

It's really my Canadian friend who surprises me more. I'm not 100% sure that the kiss wasn't just an accident - kisses on the cheek are common here, and he could have just missed. I tried to convince myself of that at the time (I was under a lot of stress and couldn't handle the thought that he was trying to hit on me), but the more I think about it the more I don't think it was an accident. I'm going to see him again next weekend, and am trying to understand and prepare.

[annie24]

well, since the canadian is single and so are you, i can see why he made a move on you. makes sense. especially if things with the other girl aren't going anywhere.

[KitKatt]

If he has always been a friend to you and never crossed any lines until now, then maybe it was an accident. Alot of people will take advantage of someone who is vulnerable. The other man who is married should not try to get you into bed. To me, that's not really a true friend or a good guy.

[Duckie198100]

Single = sex, men aren't that hard to figure out.

[Pressfit]

Single = sex, men aren't that hard to figure out.

 

Yeah, kind of like your equation here.

[Knotty]

Emotionally vulnerable women to men are like bad boys to women. Men are just drawn to women like this. I don't think they were trying to hurt you. Maybe they misread you. If you opened up to them (about your feelings regarding you divorce) they could have thought that you were interested in them. I mean if you were comfortable enough to talk about this stuff with them, they read that as you were attracted to them.

 

It's still odd that the married ones would do that. You must be very beautiful and make men lose their morals.

[viajera]

Emotionally vulnerable women to men are like bad boys to women. Men are just drawn to women like this. I don't think they were trying to hurt you. Maybe they misread you. If you opened up to them (about your feelings regarding you divorce) they could have thought that you were interested in them. I mean if you were comfortable enough to talk about this stuff with them, they read that as you were attracted to them.

 

It's still odd that the married ones would do that. You must be very beautiful and make men lose their morals.

 

Thanks Knotty & HNR, I guess that's what I've been wondering about, I just haven't run into this before. Usually I don't start meeting or even getting noticed by men until I've healed from my previous breakup, but this time they were suddenly flocking around the minute word got out that I was single. To me, I don't understand it b/c I would never want or try to get involved with a guy that's going through a breakup - it's potentially harmful to both of us. If he turned to me to talk about it, I'd treat him as a friend, not a love interest. But it makes sense to me what you said re: them reading it as attraction.

[servedcold]

Sorry you are being exposed to this during a trying time when you need friendly support from these "men" and I use the term loosely. Hopefully, you will find a better class of male friend, are there others than these you can turn to?

[viajera]

Thanks, servedcold. I do have other friends I can rely on here, but mostly women. As my ex is a local Latino, and as Latino/as have completely different views of relationships than gringos do, I've found it really helpful to get the advice and opinions of other Latinos, or even gringo men who've spent time here.

 

As I replied to Annie earlier, cheating is basically ubiquitous here, and I'd known that both of the Latinos liked me (they both had hit on me last year, before both getting married in the meantime), so I wasn't shocked or surprised so much as disappointed. Especially by the friend whose wife I know - he's very religious and even used to lecture me (after my relationship ended) about how a man who loves his wife and loves God would never cheat or lie. I've since cut off all contact with the guy who groped me, but am giving the other guy a second chance - we've agreed to pretend this didn't happen (and FWIW nothing did happen - I left).