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I posted earlier about my bf and I breaking up and this is what he said to me (while crying) "I'm in love with you and I want to be with you I am just a very unhappy person. I don't want to love or be loved. Nothing in my life is going right and I just need to be alone."


In the past he's talked about how much he hates his job and for a while was sleeping on the floor of his friend's room and finally made it to sleep on a friend's couch. He says he's trying to save money to get his own place but ever since we broke up originally in October (we were arguing a lot and living together) he's been drinking almost every day since then. He says he has to drink to just fall asleep. I feel like it's a choice that he could stop drinking and spending his money on that and get a place. He says he's so miserable. When we first got back together he would always say, "you deserve so much better" and " I feel like such a loser" but when we were together before (for 3 years) he was great, sweet, loving, the kind of boyfriend a girl would want. It seems like ever since we moved out to LA together he hates his life but he's really trying to fix it.


Is it possible to be in love with someone and want to be with them but choose not to be for whatever reason? (depression, self-loathing, idk)



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He sounds deeply depressed and should probably get himself checked out by a doctor. Could be clinical or worse.


You are right that he chooses alcohol over anything else, and likely this is making him feel somewhat happy, or perhaps, not so unhappy. But because it's a depressive, it is probably just making things worse.


You may be right with the move has caused the issues. It could be something much deeper that is causing his issues, he distance from family or something that he loved back there, something that made him feel like a real person.


Clinical or manic depression can cause someone to feel upset, hate, anger, sadness that overshadows the love they have for someone. Eventually it brings an end to the love because the person is so wrapped up in their own issues it can't be sustained.


Unfortunately, it's unlikely that you can do anything to help, he needs to do it for himself. He needs to pull out of his own misery and start seeing the world better, or at least accept the help offered.

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Is it possible to be in love with someone and want to be with them but choose not to be for whatever reason? (depression, self-loathing, idk)




I also think breaking up with you is a self-protective measure -- it is possible that he does love you but he does not want to deal with the guilt of dragging you down with him.


I agree with everyone here and on your other thread who said that your ex sounds depressed and he probably needs to be by himself to deal with HIS issues as an individual without worrying about YOURS and HIS issues together as a couple and how you are affected by what he's going through at the moment.


He sounds like he just does not have it in him to worry about BOTH the survival of himself and survival of the relationship -- so he's choosing to only focus on the former.


As others have already advised, give him space and time to deal with his problems alone.


In the meantime, focus on YOUR healing as well.


If you feel up to it, maybe you can support him (only) WHEN he asks for your help and support -- do NOT do this, however, if you dont think you can handle it and if you think contact with him might deter *your* healing process.


Take care of yourself.

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Thank you all for your advice. I've just felt so confused and helpless. At this point I am maintaining no contact and trying to take care of myself because that's all I can do. I hope he gets help and pulls out of this to be the great guy I know he is. Perhaps then things can work out. I truly hope they can.

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