Relapsing because of loneliness NOT because of the ex...

[brazilgirl21]

It's Sunday night and I feel lonely.

 

After almost 1 month of feeling pretty good and hardly thinking about my ex, I find myself almost crying and missing him again. I'm SO scared I'm going to go back to the state I was for almost 3 months since our break-up in february.

 

The point is, I know that what makes me miss him tonight is loneliness and not the fact that he's no longer in my life. My ex is my only ex and I feel that now that he's gone I'm going to be alone forever.

 

I know this is an irrational fear, I mean, I KNOW I'm beautiful, young, smart, but it seems almost certain that I'm never going to fall in love again - or most importantly - that nobody will ever fall in love with me.

 

People talk about being happy alone, single, but for me, it seems impossible to be 100% happy without having someone to share it with. I was SO happy for 18 years with NO boyfriend, but after I had a longterm relationship, it seems impossible to be happy alone again.

 

I know I've done SO much progress. I'm not depressed anymore, I enjoy going out with my friends, I'm doing a lot better at work, I'm working out and am in great shape, I feel beautiful, I've been going out a lot, I've met some amazing guys, I've been infatuated with a guy that is NOT my ex... however, things are NOT working for me at all.

 

I'm getting continuously rejected by guys I'm interested in. It feels like rejection after rejection and that is not just killing my self esteem, but my hope of finding love again.

 

I have met some amazing guys and befriended some amazing people after this break-up. Plus, I've been hanging out and having a great time with my childhood best friends. This guys I've been hanging out are great guys, older than my ex, and they are just so much more interesting than him and it's good for me to see that wow, my ex is not the only perfect guy in the world like I thought. There are so many other interesting people out there.

 

However, I don't seem to connect with any of those guys. And the ones I do, are not interested in me. One of the guys I really fell for seemed to like me, we went on a couple of dates, kissed, I was in love, and he just disappeared off the face of earth.

 

Then comes my next problem. I've been so heartbroken by my break-up that I have no fear of getting hurt anymore. Therefore, I really just go after the guys I like and that is messing up my chances because guys apparently like games and I'm not in the mood of playing it. I'm very anxious and it is probably showing, which makes me completely mess up my chances with the people I get interested.

 

To make matters worse, my best friend just met this amazing guy and she's so happy with him and I kind of lost my "wingman". I'm very happy for her, as she's been single for much longer than I have, but at the same time, I'm a little jealous.

 

I know I have to have patience and enjoy being single but it's so much easier said than done. Specially after a break-up. Why can't I be like these people that rebound easily? I mean, my ex is happily with HIS rebound and doesn't have to spend ONE sunday night alone.

 

Do anybody have any advice other than the cliche "stop looking, you need to focus on yourself, you don't need love to be happy"?

 

I want to stop focusing on finding somebody and freaking out and being so anxious when I do find that I literally push them away! However, it's easier said than done!! I'm so scared of this all making me go back to mourning over my ex because I KNOW it will only be out of loneliness but still... I feel like I'm ready to love and be loved again but it doesn't seem like it's going to happen!!

 

Can anyone relate?

[90_hour_sleep]

i hate cliches as much as the next guy (or girl)...but in this case it seems to ring pretty true. you mentioned that it feels impossible that you'll find that place where you CAN be happy on your own. i found for myself that that was a major obstacle to overcome as well. i think it's important to find that before you start trying to fill the void with another person though. i almost feel sorry for the people who are in a constant state of rebound...moving from one relationship to another (out of fear)...and never really stopping to figure out what any of it means. i wouldn't be so quick to trust that your ex is better off at this point with his rebound (if it's a rebound in the true sense). it's possible that he's only prolonging his opportunity to find his own inner happiness.

 

i don't believe that it's possible to be truly happy in a long-term relationship if you don't solidify your own personal happiness first. some might argue with the belief...but another person can never ''make'' you as happy as you can make yourself.

 

i know...blah blah blah...exactly what you didn't want to hear. sorry for that.

[Xplode]

im exact same boat, i can go out and enjoy myself but i still like the having someone to come home to idea. i still enjoy myself out when i have a partner, but for some reason all the people i meet, arent anything close to what i value in a person/partner.

 

all i can say is. dont worry about who your ex is spending time with what they are doing, etc. out of mind out of sight.

 

and as time goes on. your "need: for a partner will diminish and you will be more happy just being out and about having fun.

 

iv stopped focussing on meeting people and trying to find someone. i choose a boys night over a night at a club where i can meet people. im happy with my freinds i dont need a partner to ice my cake. cake being my already full life, a relationship is just the last step. that dosnt make it cake, but adds a little too it.

[ellandroader]

Keep your chin up....I am actually feeling the same way as you tonight. Strange thing is, I know the irrational thoughts are NOT true, but somehow I seem to believe it anyway.

 

In this instance, all you can do is try and rationalise everything and work it out cognitively. Do you have any friends around whom you can confide in?

 

Those that do rebound so easily have more to them than meets the eye. I would say they are not working their own issues out and are looking for anybody to keep them safe.

[atelis]

However, I don't seem to connect with any of those guys. And the ones I do, are not interested in me. One of the guys I really fell for seemed to like me, we went on a couple of dates, kissed, I was in love, and he just disappeared off the face of earth.

 

 

This passage rang some alarm bells for me. Tell me a bit about the guys you don't connect with vs the guys you do connect with.

 

Also, the fact that you say 'i was in love' after a kiss tells me you are confusing being in love with infatuation or rather, the fear based adrenalin that causes infatuation. It sounds like you need that chemical rush that insecurity brings in order to feel like you connect with a particular guy?

 

I suspect you may have low self worth.........it sounds like you have all the makings of a beautiful, intelligent young lady, but that inwardly, you have inherently low sense of self worth. This is perhaps drawing you to guys that will feed the sense of drama that you need to feel that fear based adrenlain that you confuse for the 'love' feeling.

 

It's something many of us here deal with

[wasme]

The point is, I know that what makes me miss him tonight is loneliness and not the fact that he's no longer in my life. My ex is my only ex and I feel that now that he's gone I'm going to be alone forever.

 

I know this is an irrational fear, I mean, I KNOW I'm beautiful, young, smart, but it seems almost certain that I'm never going to fall in love again - or most importantly - that nobody will ever fall in love with me.

 

People talk about being happy alone, single, but for me, it seems impossible to be 100% happy without having someone to share it with. I was SO happy for 18 years with NO boyfriend, but after I had a longterm relationship, it seems impossible to be happy alone again.

 

I don't come around here much anymore (and that in itself is a sign of progress, no? Well, at least a little) ... but tonight I was feeling down and came here and saw someone else seems to be having almost the exact same thoughts as I am tonight.

 

(Well, not exactly the same ... I don't think I'm beautiful or smart, but then people tell me I have esteem issues. I just think I'm being realistic. Especially after what my ex told me after we broke up. Also, I know I still miss my ex in part because, well, I miss her, but for some reason tonight especially I think a larger part is just because I'm alone.)

 

Anyway, I don't really have much to add other than to say I relate - especially tonight.

 

My ex has been my only relationship, and considering how long it took to find that once I have serious doubts that I'll ever find another.

 

Add in a short NC violation a couple of weeks ago (which was a minor disaster) and some other not-so-good things going on in my life right now ... things aren't looking very happy right now. But I know they'll get better in time. They were better before recent events. This 'two steps forward, one step back' is kind of frustrating, but I still know there's overall forward momentum there ...

[Wolf_22]

Don't fight it. If you feel lonely, then this is your chance to learn how to live on your own so that when that next person comes, you'll be better prepared for an actual long-term arrangement instead of the all-too-common 1-year rough.

 

And being lonely only sucks when you're using your heart to get past it. Start using your mind a bit more.

[Kinetics]

I'm sure guys go through this feeling too.

 

I know others would just go on binge drinking with their other buddies or go to a strip club or something but that's like an extremely short term solution, or a form of escapism so I don't buy into those.

 

The thing is, I'm comfortable doing things alone, but I've reached a point in my life where I want my experiences and feelings shared with someone special. That's when it hits me, that there is no one. Friends are friends, and there's a difference, it has it limits in being able to share the deeper side of your feelings.

 

I just keep myself busy since I go to weekend classes now, and even if I am not, I just pretend to be busy. Yesterday I was at home since it was raining, and watched 3 movies in a row. It felt a bit lonely, especially when the movies were all quite on the melancholic side too. Wrong choices d'oh!

 

Anyhow, just wanted you to know you are not the only one out there. We all have to fight our feelings of loneliness in some form.

[aglaia]

I think you'll experience down days and good days and sometimes the down days can be quite bad. But it's all part of the grieving and HEALING process. It doesn't necessarily mean you'll be stuck in this limbo for an extended period of time. If you feel sad, then feel sad, let it out and feel the pain because it's a process you have to go through. Don't be afraid of it.

 

As for being happy alone, I find that's very important to build up your self confidence and self esteem. You must be your own best friend and when you find that you are alone, embrace the solitude, get in touch with your inner self, your thoughts.

 

I've found that I'm looking forward more and more to me-time, ie periods when I can pamper myself, listen to music I like, read books I enjoy, or just simply clear my mind of all the chatter and chaos.

 

Alone doesn't have to mean loneliness. It means nourishing your soul spiritually and making peace with yourself. If you don't do that, you will always be looking externally for fulfilment and gratification, and then you'll find that you won't be able to handle it well when other people make you upset or hurt you.

[brazilgirl21]

Life is SO funny sometimes. Guess what happened when I sent "post"? The "guy" I'm infatuated with called me for pizza. Can you guys believe it?? It wasn't a date, date, we went out with 4 other friends, but still, it's a little unbelievable that this happened. I had erased his number off my phone, then suddenly I get a text from an unknown number inviting me and my friends out for pizza. I'm still confused about his intentions, so voila.

 

 

 

I guess it's the complete opposite of what you believe. The guys I "connect" with? Good, shy, hard working guys. I go for the good guys. I don't like and am not attracted to bad guys. My ex was amazing, the best guy, I actually broke up with him because he was too much of a good guy. Then regreted my decision (too later).

 

But anyways, "in love" was a wrong choice of words. I connected with this guy. This guy was the first guy that made me "forget" my ex. This was the first guy I wanted to be with for ME and not to make my ex jealous. He's a sweet, nice, all-around good guy. However, I have NO idea what he wants. He's from my hometown and our families are friends and I love that we have that background in common. At the same time, he is ambitious and is living alone in the big city to pursue his dreams just like I am.

 

Anyways, the point is, he has ex drama as well and he's just very confused as to what he wants. I don't know what he wants and tonight I decided to erase him from my life because it didn't seem to be going anywhere. Then he invited me for pizza, we all had a good time, but it was all very "friendly". I have NO idea what he wants again and that frustrates me. I texted him good luck at his new job tomorrow, he didn't reply. I don't know what to do really.

 

All I know is that I'm happy he made me realize that we can feel *something* for someone else again. However, I'm not that confident because it just seems like "he's just not that into me...". Then again, why the heck did he invite me out tonight??

[brazilgirl21]

Must I reiterate how upset I am that he did not text me back after my sweet good luck tomorrow text? Ugh...

 

I'm really into this guy. I guess that's really good... read my posts from some months ago, I could NEVER imagine ever feeling anything for anyone else again. And here I am, obssessing about someone else.

 

People come into our lives for a reason.

[Coyote9]

We certainly are fighting in much the same ways...I've been dumped out of 4 or 5 relationships over the last 15 years since my divorce...and I really do wonder if I'm one of those people who simply will always be alone...it's that existential sort of lonliness that, perhaps magnified by the fact for all of us here that it's the holiday weekend. I know I go into a sort of auto pilot on the other side of these breakups (it's been exactly a month today). We can feel lonely in the midst of other people, especially I think in dating type situaitons where we are reminded this person is not our ex! So hang in there....you're doing the right thing brazil...it sounds like you have everything going for you and this will be something that's behind you sooner than you think...it's just a blip...keep moving forward as it sounds like you have been with new friends!

[brazilgirl21]

I know! Seriously, I learned so much with all of this. Life is amazing. I'm glad in these moments of "relapse" I don't even think of breaking NC anymore.

 

I'm just doing so well and I figured we will all feel lonely at times. And maybe sometimes, when we are feeling REALLY lonely, that one person will mysteriously call you to hangout for some X reason, you will have an amazing night, and wonder what the heck is going on in this person's mind. That's what life is about, full of beautiful mysteries. We just have to live one day at a time and realize that good things will come for those who wait. It's pretty much been my "quote" lately.

 

"Good things come for those who wait".

[atelis]

 

 

Anyways, the point is, he has ex drama as well and he's just very confused as to what he wants. I don't know what he wants and tonight I decided to erase him from my life because it didn't seem to be going anywhere. Then he invited me for pizza, we all had a good time, but it was all very "friendly". I have NO idea what he wants again and that frustrates me. I texted him good luck at his new job tomorrow, he didn't reply. I don't know what to do really.

 

All I know is that I'm happy he made me realize that we can feel *something* for someone else again. However, I'm not that confident because it just seems like "he's just not that into me...". Then again, why the heck did he invite me out tonight??

 

 

That's what i meant. Is it because he's not that into you that makes it exciting and the fact that he has his own drama's?

 

After all, you said that you broke off from your ex because the relationship felt boring........lacked excitement??

 

I know that i go for emotionally unavailable types........it increases the excitement, like a chemical ruash of adrenalin and i get addicted to it.

 

He sounds confused himself and together it sounds like you are both feeding off each other's confused chemical rushes

[brazilgirl21]

Um... I don't think so. I mean, I do think everybody likes a little bit of drama, but I liked him, his personality, not his drama. I think I would be very happy if he was really into me. Again, I'll never know but I think it would make me happy.

 

The thing is, I don't really have a record of going after "excitement". My relationship of 3 years lacked ANY excitedment and I was very content. It was an amazing loving relationship. However, since it was my FIRST and only relationship, I guess I wanted to experience other things and see what was out there.

 

I really crave stability. I go after guys who will give stability. I know that this guy is a very decent guy and that if we ever work out, it will be a stable relationship. I think that the reason he's being so "confused" is because he cares about me and knows that if he commits, he will have to really commit.

 

But yeah, who doesn't like the rush of the start of something new? I sure do, however, I really, really enjoy stability and now more than ever I understand that the rush fades... My ex taught me that. You don't really know the greatness of a stable and loving relationship until you've lost it for the shallow "rush".

[atelis]

which is why you should be careful, because if this guy has ex issues, then he has a lot on his mind. until he resolves in his own mind all of the issues with his ex, he won't be in any position to commit.

 

How long since he broke up with the ex?

[brazilgirl21]

He broke up with his ex about 1 year ago but they recently "met" up again. He did not want to give her any hopes but apparently she thought that meeting up meant they were getting back together. She has issues with depression and he feels responsible for her and thinks that the fact he met up with her screwed with her head. Therefore, he feels bad for going out, being with other people, when the girl is still hurting. He feels that it's his fault she's hurting because he hang out with her again.

 

He told me he didn't love her anymore and knew that they would never work out because of her issues but that he still felt responsible for her and sabotaged his chances of being happy with someone else.

 

I told him that maybe he was not sabotaging anything but simply he hadn't met someone he really liked yet... then he said he had and that he really liked me and that he could open up to me in a way he couldn't with anybody else but that he was really scared to hurt me or himself since he didn't really know what he wanted. We ended up kissing and it was amazing and very special.

 

However, since that day, he has been kind of MIA and he is always texting my friends to hangout but he never invited me out ALONE, you know? He hasn't talked about his ex at all anymore but still, he's different from other guys and I feel like sticking around to help him you know? I want to show him that he can have a healthy relationship and that his bad experience is not going to be his only experience. He's not really letting me in though.

 

I think I should just maybe give up, but again, this guy is the person that made me get over my ex and made me feel alive again. Having this hope that he might like me makes me keep pursuing him. I had decided to really give up tonight after this post and then he called and I'm confused again.

 

The point is, I feel ready for a relationship. It's been over 1 year since I broke up with my ex, and almost 4 months since we broke up after trying to get back together.

 

I feel like it wouldn't be a rebound anymore. Anyways, should this be on the dating forum?? Is this confusion part of healing? Do I still like my ex?? I don't feel like I do! However, I'm scared that if things doesn't work out with this guy, I'm going to go back to thinking that my ex is the only one for me, indeed.

[atelis]

it really sounds like he needs his own therapy. If he is carrying around that much guilt, he will not be able to trust himself to make his own decisions.......that will play havoc with him.

 

Suggest to him that you try and start from friendship........just hanging out with no romantic stuff. That may take pressure off him, but it sounds ike he needs therapy.

[brazilgirl21]

Thanks so much for the advices guys!

 

I agree with everything you are saying!

 

This guy definetly needs therapy, I told him he does and he awknowledged it. I think I was somebody that he really felt confortable to open up but that all changed after we got together romantically. From yesterday, it definetly seems like we are heading in the friends direction which may be a good thing. However, I'm not really used to this type of relationships. In Brazil guys are pretty much straight forward and quick, so although I kind of understand his weird attituted because I've heard his dilemma, my friends don't and they think he's far too complicated/different.

 

I'm not in love with him, that a was a strong choice of words but he means a lot to me because he is the first guy that I can see myself truly with. I really enjoy being with him.However, I'm NOT going to pull all my eggs in one basket with him. He's a good "distraction" from my ex, and if things don't work out with him at least he would have served a purpose in my life.

[longdist]

I'm glad I ran accross this post. Brazilgirl, I'm definitely experiencing similar things as you. I just had a girl that made me forget about my ex. I felt a great connection with her. However, she broke things off today. I'm now feeling worse about this ending and really feel like I don't care what's going on with my ex from before. Part of me thinks that I'm just feeling lonely and am beginning to wonder if I'm meant to be alone, as I rarely find girls that are similar to me. I have no problem attracting them at the beginning, but then lose them. I wonder if maybe it is just that I haven't learned to be happy by myself. I wonder if things will turn around after I can be happy by myself again. Although, I've always had this issue of finding someone similar to me. My ex broke things off b/c she didn't feel like we were similar enough. I seem to get the same problems with other girls. I do feel like this new person that I have been falling for is opening up my eyes from the standpoint that my ex isn't the only girl out there. Part of me is wondering if I'm just trying to date to fill the void of loneliness. I used to be great by myself, but for some reason I now feel some weird need to have someone else.

[twomonks]

Part of me is wondering if I'm just trying to date to fill the void of loneliness. I used to be great by myself, but for some reason I now feel some weird need to have someone else.

 

longdist,

 

it is not some weird need. this is a common way to fill the emptiness and avoid the pain.

 

be gentle with yourself and take more time to heal.

[longdist]

longdist,

 

it is not some weird need. this is a common way to fill the emptiness and avoid the pain.

 

be gentle with yourself and take more time to heal.

 

Thanks. You have been helpful with your posts. I'm just feeling really down tonight and just feel like venting a little.

[brazilgirl21]

I'm feeling down tonight as well. Healing is definetly not an easy process. I'm on a point where there's just a void in my life. I don't really think about my ex anymore, which makes me feel even more lonely because at least when I was obssessed with him I felt connect with someone in some way.

 

I texted the guy I like earlied today and got no response, and small things like that just really put me down!

 

I remember a time where my happyness did NOT depend on finding love but now it's like I need someone else to be happy. Why?? I've always been so independent!! Is it that I'm getting older??

[longdist]

I have been asking the same questions BG. I too don't really think about the ex anymore. Getting older may have something to do with it. I always said I wouldn't get married until I was 27 (b/c I considered that to be old) and I am now that old. My better guess is that it comes from still trying to heal from your ex, even though you don't actually have feelings for him. However, I have no idea. I wish I had some remedy for it and I am beginning to get the feeling that I shouldn't use a new person as the remedy.

[vertigoxo]

Hello brazilgirl. =)

 

I've had those days as well. I felt so lonely and hurt that all I wanted was a guy to rock me in his arms and tells me he loves me and thinks I'm special.

 

However, it's unhealthy to have to depend your whole happiness and self to another person. If you don't love yourself, how will anyone love you? How will you love them back?

 

Love is in you.