FB conflicting messages

[brechild]

Okay, am trying to keep this short & to the point. Meet a guy a month ago. Had sex after the first date with him. He went back home for a month. Asked me to wait for him for a month. He said he just wants to be fwb but exclusive fwb. So, I agreed. As soon as he got home, resumed our status. Had sex several more times. The past week he has been completely unresponsive. I have sent him IMs, texts, etc. Only called once & he called me back for a grand total of three mins. I am getting the vibe that he isn't interested. Or am I just being paranoid/crazy. Please advise. He has only text, IM, or called me very rarely. This lack of his pursuit on his part is driving me coo coo. My question is...should I pursue him still or give up? I hate feeling like am constantly chasing/harassing him?? Help ;-)

[Vince99]

He got what he wanted, and now he's done.

[annie24]

well, FWB means that he isn't dating you. it means that you two meet up for sex when it works into your schedule and he isn't doing anything else.

 

it sounds to me like you have feelings for this man and want to be more than just FWB with him?

[HeartGoesOn]

You agreed to be "exclusive FWB's", and that's exactly what it is. It's not the same as a romantic relationship, where feelings are involved, so I would assume that he'll only be contacting you when he wants a booty call.

 

Were you expecting anything different?

[brechild]

Yes, I guess I was hoping that he would be giving it up more because I asked if he would prefer for us to have sex with other people. He said definetly not it would make him jealous & he wanted to be exclusive. I guess that is the real confusing part for me.

[annie24]

well, it just means he doesn't want any other men having access to his sex toy. (sorry!) after all, what if he is horny on saturday night, and pete or tom or richard already called you and made plans for an encounter first?

[savignon]

The best lessons in life suck, huh? Friends with benefits means sex with no feelings. Most girls can't go there or are secretly hoping for more. I've never heard of 'exclusive FWB' though...?? I'm out of the loop!!

Anyhow, don't agree to be anyone's convenience. He's not returning your texts/calls because he doesn't see you as someone to be responsible to.

[brechild]

Awe...well, I didn't really think of it that way. My inclination at this point is to stop with the texts, calls, IMs, etc. and move on. Or should I give him another chance to be more attentive. I do like him as more than a fwb and that is what is making it difficult for me to just drop him.

[annie24]

well, to be honest with you, it sounds to me that he's not interested in being your bf. if he were, i think that during that month he was away, after your first date, he would have made his intentions clear that he was interested in dating you, and he would have tried to call you, etc..... and then when he came back, he would have continued dating you instead of saying he wants FWB.

 

i think if you have feelings for him, FWB in not a good way to go at all. i think FWB can work when neither person wants more from the other than just sex once in a while. no relationship! even if it is 'exclusive', that just means that there are no other casual sex partners in the picture.

 

i would walk away and not settle for scraps from this man. you deserve better.

[brechild]

Thanks...annie...when he was away the whole month, we did call, text,IM etc. So...I thought he had more honest intentions. But it has only been the past week he has been ignoring me.

[annie24]

so how did this come up? did he say, 'let's just be FWB?'

[savignon]

should I give him another chance to be more attentive

You've already given him that chance. You're trying to convince yourself that if you rephrase the question, you'll get a different answer. He's ignoring you b/c he just wants sex and you want conversations and hanging out. He texted you and called while he was *away* because he didn't have to put in the actual time, if you know what I mean. Unfortunately these FWB things end pretty much like this. One person wants more and the other person is like, "umm...I was pretty clear that we weren't dating...what's the problem here?"

Don't have casual sex with him again.

Did I say that already?

[pinkrobot]

Exclusive FWB makes absolutely no sense. I think that was his way of making the fact that he wanted nothing more than sex to sound appealing to you. But if you're not actually dating each other, you can't expect him to always return your texts and messages. The possibility exists that he found another FWB, so he feels less of a need to see you as often.

[annie24]

Exclusive FWB makes absolutely no sense. I think that was his way of making the fact that he wanted nothing more than sex to sound appealing to you. But if you're not actually dating each other, you can't expect him to always return your texts and messages. The possibility exists that he found another FWB, so he feels less of a need to see you as often.

 

well, i have a friend who had an exclusive FWB situation. basically, they would just text each other if one got horny, have sex, go back the next morning to their respective, separate lives. repeat every 1-3 weeks. neither was dating anyone else. it finally came to an end when my friend met someone new, and the next time her FWB called, she told him she had met someone new and was now pursuing that relationship.

[brechild]

No, he asked me what I wanted & I said something light & no pressure dating...a * * * * buddy with emphasis on the buddy part. Then I asked if it was cool if I had sex with other people & he was like "no, if I am seeing you, I want it to be exclusive." When he comes over he wants to talk & snuggle more & I want the sex more. But now, my feelings are reversing. But I just set myself up for failure I think because on our first date, I asked him to have sex with me & he said he wasn't expecting that at all. Oh well...guess I will move on

[pinkrobot]

well, i have a friend who had an exclusive FWB situation. basically, they would just text each other if one got horny, have sex, go back the next morning to their respective, separate lives. repeat every 1-3 weeks. neither was dating anyone else. it finally came to an end when my friend met someone new, and the next time her FWB called, she told him she had met someone new and was now pursuing that relationship.

 

I guess it just confuses me--if someone has a FWB, but it's exclusive, why aren't they just dating that person?

[brechild]

Yes, it is the exclusive part that bothers me. But we have been out on dates too.

[pinkrobot]

No, he asked me what I wanted & I said something light & no pressure dating...a * * * * buddy with emphasis on the buddy part. Then I asked if it was cool if I had sex with other people & he was like "no, if I am seeing you, I want it to be exclusive." When he comes over he wants to talk & snuggle more & I want the sex more. But now, my feelings are reversing. But I just set myself up for failure I think because on our first date, I asked him to have sex with me & he said he wasn't expecting that at all. Oh well...guess I will move on

 

So are you saying you're starting to develop feelings for him, beyond just the sex? Have you talked to him about it? From what you describe, he wanted to date you at the start but you didn't want an actual relationship. But if your feelings are changing, maybe you need to let him know that. Maybe he's retreating because he wants something more than just sex, and he doesn't think you do.

[savignon]

As an fyi you can't say **** and buddy in the same sentence and expect a guy to hear the "emphasis on buddy"

[brechild]

Fair enough....I asked him where we stood about two weeks ago. Did he want to date other girls & he said, "no, I only want you...I just want to be with you." But that could just mean sexually. I was the one that just wanted it to "be sexually based." But yes, now have totally changed my mind. But he doesn't seem to want to pursue me. So I think after all these responses, the smartest thing would be to walk away. Thanks for the advice.

[pinkrobot]

But he doesn't seem to want to pursue me.

 

Possibly not if he still doesn't know your feelings have changed. If you really want to date him now, tell him that...and if it's not a big deal to you, then don't worry about it. I really think his ceasing contact might have to do with how he thinks you want different things, when in reality your feelings have changed and you may want the same thing now.

[Gratsy]

I think he just doesn't have respect for you. In a lot of ways you were asking for it. You offer sex on the first date. He probably was interested in getting to know you and date you but when you said you wanted an fwb he put you in a category where he can put you on a shelf and when he wants to play with you, he'll take you off. No respect and thats why he doesn't bother to ans. your calls all the time. He'll contact you when he wants sex.

 

There is definetly a very very slim chance of ever dating this guy. I say cut your losses and learn from your mistakes.

[KG]

You don't know he's being exclusive...could be he has more than one FWB, your on the second list for when he gets to your area.

[Gratsy]

I say forget about him. He got what he wanted. He might come back for more. He'll never come back for love, thats for sure.

[annie24]

I guess it just confuses me--if someone has a FWB, but it's exclusive, why aren't they just dating that person?

 

it just means that they aren't having sex with anyone else. essentially, he was just a walking vibrator for her. they didn't do anything that couples that dated really would (like no dinner, dates, romance, phone calls, etc....) it was just they'd meet up, have sex, and then not talk until the next time they wanted to have sex.