Old Characters Entering the Scene

[WomanWriter]

I need to vent here because there is no way I can write this in my blog!

 

Last night I had yet another dream about a former boyfriend (the one right before my ex fiance). In the dream, I went down to where we used to work and found him in his sexy train overalls. He went back to school and needed help reading something, so I tutored him and we got close. I started getting a crush on him again and hugged him super tight so that I had butterflies in my stomach. I was so proud of him for trying so hard to get his college degree. I was overwhelmed with joy! (This was all a dream).

 

In real life, this guy was a depressed football-player type. He and I didn't have much in common except we were both kind of shy and socially rebellious...plus we both liked to write (although he did terribly in school).

We used to write each other letters before work and pass the letters on to each other during the day. It was kind of high schoolish but it was fun. He gave me the best massages and was passionate and tender about me and although I never felt sexually attracted to him, I did feel some kind of attraction...I think it was because I encouraged him to go back to school and he took a dance class with me. He was so willing to do positive things for himself even though academics and dance were defintely not his thing. He was a very manly man but I was touched by his desire to do these things for me.

 

Anyway, contrast Mr. Football to my (ex) fiance Mr. Sci Fi Geek. My sci-fi geek was ten times more attractive physically. He was clean cut, hot, sexy, all that good stuff. He was also a lot more mild in temperment. Yet even though Sci Fi Geek was so much more intelligent than Mr. Football, he was also more lazy and less passionate. I was way more attracted sexually and emotionally to Sci Fi Geek (he was my "type") but I actually admired Mr. Football more for his passion and gentleness with me. Mr. Sci Fi was a good lover in general, but sometimes he'd get too rough. He didn't really understand the concept of tenderness. Mr. Football looked tough on the outside but he was very much in tune with other people's feelings. You wouldn't think so from looking at them outright.

 

What's weird is I keep having dreams or experiences with/about former partners/crushes/friends. I recently read in the paper that my middle school crush's mother died. The funeral was near my sister's home so she was able to see him and she said he was looking cute.

 

And I mentioned before how I recently dreampt of a former girl crush of mine.

 

Maybe I am grieving all these folks at once. I never really went through this grief before because none of my crushes or partners were as serious as Mr. Sci Fi Geek. I remember crying for one night when Mr. Football and I broke up but then I got over it and we were friends for a while. I still liked him and there were no hard feelings. I just didn't love him and wasn't sexually attracted to him. Yet this dream kind of awakened some of my attraction to him. I remember one 4th of July playing a board game in the park. Then we went back to his house and he held me against him while watching the fireworks. There was nothing sexual in our relationship, but the good feelings I had while cuddling were memorable. I miss being held and touched.

[COtuner]

sexy train overalls?? I'm picturing something off Captain Kangaroo here...

 

Yeah, dreams often bring out all sorts of strange pairings for me. I usually take it as showing me some common link about myself that I need to work through.

[WomanWriter]

sexy train overalls?? I'm picturing something off Captain Kangaroo here...

 

Yeah, dreams often bring out all sorts of strange pairings for me. I usually take it as showing me some common link about myself that I need to work through.

 

We worked at an amusement park. He drove the kiddie train and was supposed to wear white overalls with blue stripes (looked like painter overalls). He hated wearing them (and refused to put them on) until I mentioned one day that I thought it would be hot if the guys wore their overalls. After I said that, he started wearing them, even after we broke up

[DN]

Are you sure you should be engaged to Mr Sci Fi Geek?

[WomanWriter]

I'm no longer engaged to Mr. Sci Fi Geek. He's the ex I joined this forum to get over. We were together over 7 years. It's just that I keep having dreams about OTHER folks in addition to my ex fiance and they seem to come out of nowhere. Its like I'm grieving them ALL at once since I never spent much time grieving for my past significant others in this way. Mr. Sci Fi Geek was my only very serious relationship (only one I had sex with and was engaged to marry). The other boyfriends or crushes/friends were important enough to me but we just don't have the same long history or connection.

 

I still do want Mr. Sci Fi back because I deeply love him in spite of these other things...I guess these old folks coming up in my mind is simply a surprise.

[DN]

Perhaps your subconscious is having a 'house-cleaning' of emotional connections to make room for the next one.

[viajera]

WW, I've been doing the same thing - and did this after previous breakups, too. Whenever I break up with someone, I go through a period of reevaluating my life, and invariably that means delving into thoughts and issues relating to former relationships as well. I think what happens is the previous breakups weren't fully processed before getting into the next, so the issues would be suppressed while in the relationship. Also, whereas all your attention and attraction is focused on your partner (atleast ideally!) when you're in a relationship, afterwards suddenly you have no focus for that energy, so it disperses to include other people you were once attracted to. Does this make sense? What I'm getting at is that I think this is totally normal and healthy. It sounds to me like you're making good progress!

[WomanWriter]

Thanks for the responses. I appreciate them all. Viajera, I'm glad to hear you've been through the same thing. I do feel like I''m making progress lately because I'm thinking about all the people I used to be close to. I had some happy times with other people other than my last ex. Mr. Football constantly made me laugh whereas my last ex was more serious and not as playful. The ex before that shared my taste in music.

 

I guess I'm starting to remember that other people once held my interest and realzing I will probably find others that will interest me again. The only problem is that all my former partners or "friends-that-I-liked" were people I met in a steady setting like work or school...or through other friends. I never set out to find any of these people,...friendships just developed and they turned into more.

 

Now I'm out of school and no longer working (and when I do find work, I will most likely be in a professional setting where it's harder to meet guys than at a part-time, fun teenager job).

 

It feels unnatural meeting folks tp specifically force friendships or dates with. I've never done anything like that. I'm the kind of person who takes a while to warm up. I'm kind of shy, but after being around a group of people long enough, I bond with certain people and develop the relationship beyond friends.

 

I'm not sure how to get to that state organically. Maybe I should just be happy being single for now and when it happens, it happens. I don't know if meet up groups or online dating will feel natural to me. It seems too forced. I tend to only find myself attracted to people I am friends with first. I don't really feel attracted to most people at first sight. My latest ex was really the only exception. I hated the ex before him, at first sight. I thought he was unnattractive and not my type at all...I had to be around him a lot in our work environment for him to grow on me.

 

So what do you guys suggest as far as meeting people naturally (not forced)? I'm not into the bar scene. I'm honestly kind of a stay home and watch movies or play board games kinda gal. Can't very well meet guys that way.

[viajera]

WW, have you looked into link removed? They have groups that meet in cities all over the country. Where I used to live (New Orleans), there were a couple dozen active meetup groups for all types of interests, including a boardgames group, a travel group, a hiking group, etc. etc. It's a great way to meet people who share similar interests.

 

link removed also often has listings for all sorts of groups focused around various interests.