zara.ahmad Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 Ok, this is going to be a little bit long and can be confusing, so please bear with me. This is the first time I've ever posted anything on a forum in my life, so I'm not sure what the limit is or anything, but here it goes.. I've been in a relationship with a guy who i was completely in love with for the past year and 2 months. But when we got together, I wasn't completely over my first boyfriend.. and I cheated on my current boyfriend one time with the ex, about 6 months into our relationship. And I couldn't figure out my feelings, I was just very confused, and I kept hiding my friendship with my ex, even though nothing was going on, and that led to unbearable fighting, to the point where we were always screaming at each other and I was having panic attacks at 3 am. After a while my boyfriend decided he couldn't handle it anymore and about 2 months ago broke up with me, which completely devastated me. I begged him to get back together, and even though he didn't want a relationship with me, we continued to talk and have sex.. until he met someone new. Just 2 days after meeting this girl he told me he was no longer in love with me and that we shouldn't talk anymore, which i tried to respect. But then a week later he showed up at my apartment door, allegedly to see how i was doing. We had sex and he left, and I didn't hear from him for about a week... until he showed up again. This has been happening for the past month (maybe longer, I don't even know anymore), where he shows up completely unannounced and we have sex, and then we don't speak until the next time he shows up. There are a few times when we have contacted each other just to say hi, but it's very rare, and in public group setting we're always very civil, almost friendly, with each other. But he doesn't make any time to talk to me or hang out, and even though he says there's nothing going on with the other girl, I know they still talk and hang out, and I'm not sure if he's being completely honest with me about the capacity of their relationship. She lives about two hours away so he only gets to see her about every other weekend. I don't want to think that he's coming over just to have sex, but what am I really supposed to think? I just need to know what to do, because I'm still totally in love with him, which he knows, and want to be with him, but I can't handle this confusion anymore. Link to comment
Hosvius Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 I think he knows you still care for him very much and are willing to deal with that. It couldn't be more clear that he is only using you for sex.. and he's going to keep taking advantage of it as long as you let it go on. He probably has a huge ego boost because he still has you on the side and I'm sure he still has anger in the fact you cheated on him, it might be his way of getting you back. I would get to the bottom of the situation and find a solution or end the sexual relations. Link to comment
zara.ahmad Posted May 24, 2009 Author Share Posted May 24, 2009 I've tried asking him over and over why he comes by, and what's going on with the other girl. In response to why he comes by he says "I don't know" and when I make it clear that I know he's still talking to the other girl he says "I talk to a lot of people." I want him in my life but I can't compromise myself for that. Is there any way to make that clear to him without losing him? Link to comment
Hosvius Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 I've tried asking him over and over why he comes by, and what's going on with the other girl. In response to why he comes by he says "I don't know" and when I make it clear that I know he's still talking to the other girl he says "I talk to a lot of people." I want him in my life but I can't compromise myself for that. Is there any way to make that clear to him without losing him? Yeah, that's disrespectful to you on his part, I would definitely end the sex. He is clearly just using you for that reason. It's clear a relationship isn't something he is interested in with that attitude. I would explain to him your situation and that you would like to remain friends. I wouldn't even say anything about the sex.. just the next time he shows up DON'T HAVE SEX with him! Link to comment
Hosvius Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 also, I would expect a demeanor change in him once you turn him down, he won't like it but he'll get over it. It's not fair to you. Link to comment
Soprano Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 This guy sounds like a champ lol. Kidding, I would just stop seeing him. It's very obvious he's using you. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 You need to connect the dots here. He knows he can come to you at any time, and have sex and leave, no contract needed. Why not change the rules, and tell him that unless he wants to seriously try the relationship again, he can no longer contact you? Also, you can't put the entire blame on him, since you're agreeing to this, and your self-respect is taking a downward spiral. Why not take a stand, and respect yourself? Link to comment
savignon Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 It's difficult for me to believe that you were in the past or are very inlove with him. The first time you claimed you loved him, you cheated on him and lied about it. In phase two, you let him come by at his leisure for sex and nothing else. Neither of those are love. If you're not willing to lose your self-respect over this guy, then tell him to stop contacting you just for sex. You *will* lose what you have with him now, but what you have with him now is him using you...so not too much of a loss there, in my opinion. Link to comment
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