angel54321 Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 Hi, This is my first post here, I'm just desparate for some advice so I googled "relationship advice forum" and came up here.... I'm hoping you can offer me some advice on what to do... My boyfriend and I have been dating for > 2 yrs... We have a good relationship for the most part, but, its certainly not at the level I'd hoped it might be after 2 years... but thats a different issue... This morning he had to leave the house unexpectedly, and I stayed at his house (I'd slept over) -- and I was picking up from the night before, and cleaning a little bit - as I was straightening the table I noticed his phone there -- several times he's said to me how he hated when old girlfriends looked through his phone, so, I dunno, seeing his phone there had some appeal to me, so I decided to look through it. Bad mistake, I know... I shouldn't have violated his privacy like that... But the problem lies in what I found in his phone... several txt messages from someone (just a # not a name) saying - "Whats up" "What are you doing this weekend" "whats going on" -- which is not that big of a deal... but the kicker: "Sex on Friday?" and a picture message of a naked girl with a caption of "This ass needs spanking" Do I confront him? Do I ignore this? I know he'll be mad at me for looking at his phone, but I'm mad about what I found... He was with me on Friday night -- perhaps his other plans fell through? I don't know... Maybe it was a wrong number? (Or maybe I'm in denial) What should I do? I'm so upset about this... I've been cheated on before and put up with it for awhile, and I never want to feel like that again... but here I am again... Am I destined for a life of suspicion? Please help!!!!!!! Thank you!!!! Link to comment
annie24 Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 welcome to enotalone. first off - you were motivated to look at his phone for a reason. have you guys had some issues lately? and is this the only time in 2 years that you have ever looked through his phone? maybe your gut was telling you that something is up. can you give us some more details about what is going on? yes, the message is very very sketchy. no one sends me messages like that!!! (i wish!!!!) it sounds like something is up, i don't know what. the fact that you snooped is not great. however, i think since you found something far worse, that the fault lies with him. so don't let him turn it around on you!!! Link to comment
DN Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 Was that a message he received or that he sent? Link to comment
brokenheart311 Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 As a guy I have a few guy friends who might send me crap like that. Go to pay phone and call the number, if a guy picks up it could just be an old frined of his giving him S@#t, if a gilr picks up confront him. I say to use a payphone so that if it's a guy friend, you can say you dialed a wrong number and not have it traced back to you. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 As a guy I have a few guy friends who might send me crap like that. Go to pay phone and call the number, if a guy picks up it could just be an old frined of his giving him S@#t, if a gilr picks up confront him. I say to use a payphone so that if it's a guy friend, you can say you dialed a wrong number and not have it traced back to you. I agree with this. People have sent me some really dumb things that could be misinterpreted by the wrong person. I also agree with the poster who pointed out that you looked at his phone for a reason, even if it's subconscious. What is going on with you guys that made you want to do that? Link to comment
Sn0man Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 Some people have a warped sense of humor, and that could be an example of someones humor. While I did raise an eyebrow at what you wrote, it isn't definitive evidence that he's cheating on you. I have a female friend who does those kinds of things, but never seriously...I would assume if someone ever got ahold of my phone and read some of the things she's said to me over a text msg it would easily be misconstrued. Snooping causes way too much trouble to be worth it - it's far too easy to read into things that aren't there, or misinterpret what you come accross. I don't know how you should handle this, you've gotten into a bit of a pickle. If you say something, he'll know you've been spying on him. If you don't, you'll be eating your heart out not knowing whether to trust him or not. Pickle. Link to comment
SunniDee Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 ^^Erm, are you in a relationship? Because I don't know how any self respecting woman would be OK with her boyfriend getting texts like that from another female, friend or not. Yikes. Link to comment
DN Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 ^^Erm, are you in a relationship? Because I don't know how any self respecting woman would be OK with her boyfriend getting texts like that from another female, friend or not. Yikes.Surely that depends on who sent them, why they sent them and any any response they might make. It's like holding someone responsible because a tele-marketer calls them. They aren't responsible for receiving the call but they are if they buy what is being sold. Link to comment
SunniDee Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 A telemarketer calling you about selling their product hardly compares to "Sex Friday? "This ass needs spanked!" and a dirty photo. Come on now, that's hardly a good comparison. I'm not saying she should automatically dump him. Yes she should ask him to explain. But you CAN control what you get from people. It's called boundaries. Even if her man didn't solicit texts like that, I don't see him trying to protest either. If you don't want stuff like that sent to you, you speak up and set boundaries with these kinds of people. Especially if he's had problems with bad texts in the past. He should be smart enough by now to realize he needs to stop getting himself put in these situations if he doesn't enjoy them. Just ignoring them is just as bad as encouraging them. Link to comment
DN Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 A telemarketer calling you about selling their product hardly compares to "Sex Friday? "This ass needs spanked!" and a dirty photo. Come on now, that's hardly a good comparison. Of course it is if it is unsolicited. Link to comment
SunniDee Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 Still two TOTALLY different things here. I get what you're saying to a point, but your comparison doesn't fit. Link to comment
DN Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 Of course it does. If both calls are unsolicited and he doesn't do anything about it then how can they not be? If he is having a relationship with someone else, flirting, sending explicit messages back then there is cause for concern. But just because someone has a message on their phone it isn't evidence that they are up to no good. Some people don't delete messages immediately - and if he knows that he can trust his girlfriend not to snoop then he can delete it when he feels like it. Suspicions are not evidence. Let's be a little less accusative and a little more open to innocent causes. It seems everyone's default position these days is 'there must be something to it" instead of thinking things through more reasonably. Link to comment
annie24 Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 i think that the message does not look good at all, though there is a chance it was unsolicited. hm. my wonder is just why after 2 years of never looking at his phone did you suddenly have an overwhelming urge to do so now. has something been going on with him? Link to comment
SunniDee Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 Of course it does. If both calls are unsolicited and he doesn't do anything about it then how can they not be? If he is having a relationship with someone else, flirting, sending explicit messages back then there is cause for concern. But just because someone has a message on their phone it isn't evidence that they are up to no good. Some people don't delete messages immediately - and if he knows that he can trust his girlfriend not to snoop then he can delete it when he feels like it. Suspicions are not evidence. Let's be a little less accusative and a little more open to innocent causes. It seems everyone's default position these days is 'there must be something to it" instead of thinking things through more reasonably. I believe I said not jump to any rash conclusions, and instead ask him to explain first We'll have to agree to disagree. Link to comment
angel54321 Posted May 24, 2009 Author Share Posted May 24, 2009 Was that a message he received or that he sent? it was messages he received.... Link to comment
angel54321 Posted May 24, 2009 Author Share Posted May 24, 2009 I believe I said not jump to any rash conclusions, and instead ask him to explain first We'll have to agree to disagree. okay... so update on my situation... i couldnt NOT confront him about it... and he told me he hooked up with someone a year ago when we were fighting and she keeps texting him. i dont believe him at all.... i guess i can never trust him again... i think we're done... he was all apologetic and "i dont want to hurt you" but he did... he said he wasnt mad i looked at his phone but he wished i didnt... when i started to tell him how i was feeling i became like ridiculously upset... i hate that he can do that to me... he has plans with "the boys" tonight --- supposed to go to my parents for a cookout tomorrow... he kept asking me if i still wanted him to come... i cant even answer that right now i'm so angry... but i dont want to be embarrassed at my parents for showing up without my boyfriend....... thank you all for the above advice... but now what, should i forgive him??????? part of me wants to and part of me wants to walk away. Link to comment
konstantine Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 Only you can decide if it's forgivable or not. If it were me, I would take a few days to get away from the situation, sleep on it for a few nights, and see how I feel after the initial anger is out of the way. When he hooked up with her, were you still together? Or separated? Did he have any sent messages back to this girl? Link to comment
angel54321 Posted May 24, 2009 Author Share Posted May 24, 2009 welcome to enotalone. first off - you were motivated to look at his phone for a reason. have you guys had some issues lately? and is this the only time in 2 years that you have ever looked through his phone? maybe your gut was telling you that something is up. can you give us some more details about what is going on? yes, the message is very very sketchy. no one sends me messages like that!!! (i wish!!!!) it sounds like something is up, i don't know what. the fact that you snooped is not great. however, i think since you found something far worse, that the fault lies with him. so don't let him turn it around on you!!! this was the first time i had ever looked at his phone maybe my gut was telling me something but actually things between us had been going great for a while... we've certainly had some rough times... i feel bad that i snooped but i did and i wish i didn't... life would continue blissfully if i hadn't... Link to comment
angel54321 Posted May 24, 2009 Author Share Posted May 24, 2009 Only you can decide if it's forgivable or not. If it were me, I would take a few days to get away from the situation, sleep on it for a few nights, and see how I feel after the initial anger is out of the way. When he hooked up with her, were you still together? Or separated? Did he have any sent messages back to this girl? i didn't look at the sent messages! i wish i did now... but i was so upset after reading what i saw i put the phone down.... Link to comment
Sn0man Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 ^^Erm, are you in a relationship? Because I don't know how any self respecting woman would be OK with her boyfriend getting texts like that from another female, friend or not. Yikes. Then we are at a difference of opinion. I think it's fine to get texts like that, as long as there isn't anything else going on. But it's all subjective, what's OK by one person may not be OK by another. Link to comment
annie24 Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 i think you need to listen to your gut. what do you think of this situation? do you think he is still talking to her, or is she some stalker? do you think he is reciprocating her interest? i think you just really need to listen to your gut, if you think he is telling the truth or not. how would he feel if some guy sent you a photo of him in his underwear and said he wanted you to spank him?! would he think that is appropriate? probably not. Link to comment
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