I think I screwed up bad...

[zippitt]

So my girlfriend and I came home from a good date night. We got in bed and talked. At one point I started drifting off after a long silence and she said "I want to get engaged."

 

I snapped back with something like "we have already talked about this, I told you I would" I was sort of confused what was going on, and this was not something I thought we should be discussing late a night before work.

 

I think she had a good night an opened up and wanted to talk, this has happened before, maybe not on this topic, but those nights ended in fights too. She nows I get cranky when I start to fall asleep, we have talked about that before.

 

So I said something to the effect that I want her to finish school so we can have financial security, I was just trying to give some direction so we could go to sleep and talk about this later. I even suggested maybe we should wait until tomorrow to talk about this. But she was already upset and left the room at one point.

 

I usually go out and follow her and things are better after a long talk. Not this time, I was angry she pulled this late night thing again, I wasn't going to chase her. I'm tired of this weird late night fighting thing she does when I have to be up at 7:00 AM and we are up until 3:00AM.

 

I know women want to be chased, and it's not that I don't love her completely, but I was trying to make a point. I usually give into her tendencies.

 

We didn't talk more the next morning until I started driving to work.

We were talking on the phone and which I think was a mistake. Clearly we both needed time to think about this, I upset her more when I told her she needed to stop asking, like it was someone annoyingly poking me in the ribs to get my attention.

 

She said fine you go live your batchelor life and do your guy things, my needs are not being met. You just see me as cash, I don't want to talk to you anymore, it will make me just want to move out, I'm already thinking about it. I told her that's not the case I even bought two dogs she wanted, and while I love them and wouldn't ever take them back, I got them to show her I was serious about us. I couldn't say much else because I was already in the work parking lot for 5 minutes and running late. I told her to let me know if she is coming home as she mentioned she probably wouldn't.

 

So two days later with no contact other than two text messages that she would not be home.She came home to get some clothes and go to work this morning, but not a word.I had some time to think about this over those two days, about what seemingly happened so fast. I talked to a few friends, both male and female. All of them said the same thing, engagement doesn't mean marriage right away.

 

Obviously I recogonize this now, but I wasn't doing the math late at night, I overeacted for a bit. She said she wanted to get engaged and I immediately jumped to a home with a mortgage we couldn't pay, marriage, and kids.

 

As it is now I pay all the bills and sometimes things can be tight month to month with unseen expensenses like medical and car repairs. I imagined being in the same situation trying to provide for a wife and child and bills beyond what I deal with now.

 

I feel stupid as all we had to do is really talk about this, and now I feel I may have done too much damage to her. She is very sensitive and some things she never forgives.

 

I do want spend my life with her and have daydreamed about having that big house and child, but in my mind it was much different from what I imagined the other night. I felt like I was being rushed into something without proper planning, the reality is I blew it out of porportion.

 

We talked about being engaged before, and I said I would do it within the year. I imagined us going on a vacation where I could propose to her. I asked if we could go this summer, but she said school wouldn't allow it, so it sort of fell off the map.

 

Looking back at this I realize we are very near 3 years together, and I understand her desire to commit. I guess I never really sat down and had a good converstation about this. I always tried to give vague answers in the past because I was scared to go into details of marriage plans.

I realize no one is perfect, and everyone says I am a good boyfriend to her. We both have are flaws. I just don't even know what to say to her when we talk next. I fear she will move out and things will go south from there or the argument will just escalate.

 

It in a movie or book I could just propose to her now and everything would be happily ever after. The reality is I am going to have to wait months if we are still together, there is no bandaid for this, and there could have been, we could have just talked. I could have at least looked deep down at my feelings and been open.

 

Sometimes I hate being male, I know it's an excuse and I have gotten better, but dealing with my emotions is often so hard to do. It makes me feel vunerable to tell the truth, I feel embarrased and guilty for writting this. I just need direction.

[DN]

I read your previous thread - and it is not that you see her as about cash but that is how she sees you. It is entirely reasonable to want a partner to have some sort of job security and to be able to contribute financially and she isn't.

 

I think your hesitations about being engaged are entirely justified.

[agent1607307371]

my needs are not being met. You just see me as cash,

 

How can you just see her as cash when you're paying for the relationship?

 

What exactly are her needs? What exactly does she think she'll get out of being engaged? Does she intend to work or does she see herself as a stay at hom mom? What does she think would be different if you were engaged? What is she in school for, how much longer will she be in school for and does she intend to get a job in that field after she graduates?

 

I don't think you screwed up, I think you reacted in the same way a lot of people would if they kept having to deal wth something when nothing they were saying was being taken on board.

 

What are your needs and are they being met?

[zippitt]

She wants to get married and have a child down the road. Either of use would end up being the stay at home parent depending how makes more income is more secure etc.

 

But more than anything she wants to go to work in counseling as soon as she graduates. She is one year away from finishing her masters.

 

She thinks that I am just keeping her around, she wants to know I am committed to our future relationship by getting engaged.

 

Currently she does help with groceries and occasionally and the vet bills. Most of her money goes to school and she is working 1 day a week for her mom, but that all goes to her CC debt which was used for school expenses.

 

So she does try with what she has. It's just that she lives off her student loans and and doesn't work much to pay them off now. I understand being overwhelmed from school which is why she doesn't work much, but as soon as we get married that debt also becomes our debt.

 

She was good about taking care of herself when she lived alone so I should trust her when she says she will help with expenses.

[DN]

so I should trust her when she says she will help with expenses.

It should not be 'help' with expenses but 'share' the expenses. 'Help' implies an absence of responsibility - 'share' means both people are responsible. It may not be an equal amount but there should still be an understanding that this is shared.