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I dont even know if i should be writing this


mr me

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Ive been so up and down and its like nothing is moving along. I get a couple of hours at most where all my issues dont come and completely consume me with anger and depression. I keep on thinking it cant get worse and it does. I try to handle my emotions and everything the best that i can but usually i just go into a rage to where i feel like im losing myself. I feel like once you go thru so much you can never go back to how you were. I guess its not all that bad because i didnt like things so much before but at least it wasnt all bad. Ive had moments of complete darkness to where i sit in my room with nothing to do because i cant enjoy anything. I have so many things im going to have to work on and then so much work to really pursue any type of life for me. Ive been sleeping at all hours and its pretty f-ing crazy. Im like from another world where i cant even describe what my life is like on a day to day basis. Im just doing whatever i can to not really let all my messed up emotions go out towards anyone else. I cant even describe all the really sick thoughts i have. I then end up having to tell myself that my life will get better when most of the time i dont believe it. Im trying to but i just feel like ive been thru enough and this cant go on forever. I dont even know how to even live with what im going thru. I basically spend all my time thinking about things outside of myself. Im supposed to think that there is a place in this world for me and that somehow this was just a part of my life but its completely ruined so much without saying its pretty much ruined everything. I have no passion, no outlet, no place to go because even when im doing things everything still haunts me. I used to imagine having a better life and that would drive me but i dont see that happening anymore. I can see people that have things work out for them but what type of life are you supposed to live when things dont work out for you. Its only so much you can find in yourself to get thru the bad times. I cant even get along with most people now because im so out of it that i dont even feel like im in touch with what its like to be human. I dont want to get into alot of things about my past but i will say everything that ive been thru has made me have a couple of years of memory loss and battles with delusions and sucidal thoughts. Im doing everything i can without basically killing myself to deal with this or get something out of this. I also just get tired of people saying stupid things like oh this is a long post or its not all spaced or in paragraphs. Its like little things like that people just say all the time and for what. Its like im going thru so much and you think it matters if i wrote less or made it in order. The thing i dont like about that is that i dont go around and say oh wow yours is so short or its spaced out because people would take that as a compliment. Its just because alot of people think that way it becomes acceptable and then its fine. Im just so different and i dont see how im going to get along with people who arent like me because most people dont deal with that well and then i react out of defense and its just a big problem. I just wish there was some way to get a break from all of this craziness that happens all the time that people just deal with. Its just every little thing becomes a big thing because of all the stuff im going thru. I just wish someone could stop and really think but most people can only see things thru their own eyes and then someone like me is stuck because i try to look outside of myself. Its like things that can never be worked out and its like oil and water but with me im always sticking out or being the outsider so somehow im supposed to just deal with this all the time. It would just be nice if it didnt have to be to where im basically am struggling to where its pretty much embarrassing. I dont even know what im trying to say but i guess thats my problem is there is so much that cant be described and im struggling with it everyday. I just hope it doesnt drive me crazy or something eventho i cant count that out anymore.

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Im trying to not let it bother me but alot of the time people dont even respond to what i say. Im trying to see that maybe people dont have anything to say or im doing so bad its depressing but I cant care about stuff like that. All i can say is somehow being abused in my first relationship still has affects on me and on top of that ive had to go thru alot of crazy things. I cant just bounce back but i can only see myself do so bad before it just isnt something that i can live with anymore. I just wish something would get at least alittle bit better with me so i can see if i actually end up getting over this im not going to be stuck dealing with so much all the time. I guess ill never get that because it definitely didnt happen that way. I guess im just an idealist but somehow thats one of the things that has gotten me into alot of this. I end up thinking things are better then they are but at the same time also being that way has been one of the few things that could help someone go thru everything ive been thru. Its just i do so much and i see out of life i basically am just gettin by. I just think if i could somehow be able to focus on my life to where it would get better then at least that would mean alot. I just dont see that happening because something always seems to happen to show you life isnt going to be easy. Im a very difficult and conflicted person and i know that it can be hard but somehow i have to get at least alittle bit of understanding to show that im more than that. I guess people would have to get to know me but i guess right now thats not something im going to get much of right now. Im a definite example of being misunderstood. Im just now trying to find ways of people getting where im coming from because if not people just do whatever they want.

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Hey there,

 

I came to enotalone for the first time in a long time today. I'm feeling pretty much the same as what you wrote. I'm here at work- it's about 8pm on a Saturday. There's no one around but I got the keys so I let myself in. It'S the most peaceful place I know.

 

I guess you don't really want to hear about my problems. I guess you want me to help you with yours. I suppose I feel the same way.

 

I'm not sure I can help, but I thought I would tell you I was feeling the same way tonight, probably on the other side of the world.

 

I don't know what to say that would help you. I could comment that what you wrote is full of anguish but very light on detail and hard to comment on. It just reads like a torrent of pain you have let out. Maybe it was therapeutic to write it. I hope so.

 

You could also do with some spaces in your comments. One big paragraph is pretty hard to read. I guess that kind of represents your frame of mind. It doesn't sound like there's much space for air to breathe at the moment.

 

I'm feeling pretty suicidal too. I don't know if I will do it. Because I've been thinking about it for maybe two months now, and I haven't yet.

 

How long have you been thinking about it? I guess something happened to you, and that feels like a big thing around your neck that you can't get rid of. I feel the same. I feel really trapped and have no way out. Funny though because I really could just get up right now and leave and never come back.... if I really wanted to.

 

Sometimes I think I enjoy feeling down like this. It's comfortable in a way, as painful as it is. I can't pull myself out of it because it's so comfortable. That's why I need a way out- someone to help me. I guess that's why I came to this website again.

 

Do you feel like this? Is feeling like this somehow comfortable for you too?

 

I hope we can exchange ideas

 

HT

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I am not sure how old you are but I will tell you as you get older and more self-assured, what others think doesn't matter as much. I have always been misunderstood by people. I was always poked fun at in school and in my twenties. As I got older and found my own way in the world I have found that there are indeed people who value who I am and accept me. Those who don't value me and accept me I don't concern myself with. I remember having dark moments in my life when I felt like you..but it does get better. Just focus on productive, safe things that interest you..focus on school or work and making something of your life. Be proud of your accomplishments, no matter how minor. Building your self esteem will help you tune out the negativity around you.

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I would like to say that i dont mind hearing about peoples problems because if im able to i can actually help myself by helping others. I could say that maybe i could do things different based on how i write but sometimes i dont really see why. My life going to be good or bad and based on what i write or how i write it that doesnt seem to matter that much to me right now. I guess thats coming from trying to do the best that i could and then ending up living like this where i dont always see a way out. Im very good at psychology and self-help and ive done pretty much all i could do to this point. Im wondering if i should try meds even if i dont want to because i wanted to go natural but i guess thats not enough for me. Ive been suicidal for way too long so i dont like talking about it because it just gets me more depressed. Its just at the same time you just need to get it all out there so im not really sure how that is but i guess it just is. I would also say that alot of things happened so i couldnt say it was one or another or im trying to see it as little things because when you make things into big problems its harder to deal with. I also have gone into detail about what ive been and i still see that for whatever reason i usually end up talking more in my post then the people who comment. I guess im somewhat used to that because i usually end up helping myself with most things. Its just all of this is way too big of a burden most of the time. I do understand the comfort of it all so i agree with that. I just think its hard for me when i see myself doing alittle bit better and i just go right back to how things were or worse. Also if its not worse then it feels that way because of how i was doing my best to get out of it to some extent.

 

I do agree that maybe as a i get older ill have an easier time with people but i dont really understand why i have to live thru this time where its not like that if its still going to happen later on. I guess thats not a good question to ask yourself because there isnt an answer but i tend to ask myself questions like that alot anyways. I also feel that its not always so easy to tune out the world when it comes crashing down into my life. I know that there are people who wont like me without even knowing me and usually that wouldnt bother me but at the same time because of what im going thru i could very well be the same way but i still try to look past that. My whole thing is whatever i might be doing right now im at least aware of it and want or sometimes want to not be that way. Its just that in itself sometimes makes it harder to be that way and accept it so hopefully its not always that way. I see that alot of the time its alot easier to just leave things the way they are but then i dont get it. Its almost like what they say about life is what you make it but as well there are alot of things out of your control so you cant always make it how you want it. Its almost always about how you deal with what you given or are able to do. Its not always hard to deal with but when things get really bad its not easy to just be like well my life really f-ing sucks but im ok with that. I guess thats really all i can do now.

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