She left me a voicemail. I need help in deciding how I would act.

[pg13]

To people that have not followed my threads, I met up with my ex last Sunday and talked for about 2 hours. Pretty much I told her that I wanted to move on from our old relationship, but I'd like to start a new one with her since the old one was obviously not working out. I told her I can't be her friend, and I will respect her decision whatever that may be. We established that I will not contact her until she contacts me and decides on if she wants to get back together or not.

 

She left me a voicemail tonight, saying to call her tomorrow and she'll let me know what her decision is. A friend of mine saw her at a frat party tonight as well. I'm trying to get her to find out some "information" about my ex at the moment if she can.

 

The only thing is, ok... I pretty much bluffed in our 2 hour talk last Sunday. I appeared as if I was moving on/having fun and happy with myself being alone and all. I stayed confident, not too pushy, calm, and not needy. The fact is, I've been thinking about her a lot, staying home at the same time not being able to focus on what I need to do (bad, yes I know). I need to be ready for whatever decision she decides, whether that be reconciliation or not. I don't know how I would/should act if she decides that she doesn't want to get back together. I also don't know how I would/should act if she decides that we should work it out again.

 

 

If we get back together....

 

Main thing I would have to deal with: She's highly active in her sorority lifestyle, tons of parties/get togethers with girls and frat guys.

 

How I am: Homebody, prefers not to go to parties, would rather do simple things.

 

How I should be: Have a social life(or pretend?). Trust her (even though she has lied). Take control/plan out things to do with her.

 

If we don't get back together...

 

Continue to focus on myself and not worry about being in a relationship. I have a tendency to be too co-dependent with my partner. I become needy/insecure/boring.

[nomorelovish]

 

If we get back together....

 

Main thing I would have to deal with: She's highly active in her sorority lifestyle, tons of parties/get togethers with girls and frat guys.

 

How I am: Homebody, prefers not to go to parties, would rather do simple things.

 

How I should be: Have a social life(or pretend?). Trust her (even though she has lied). Take control/plan out things to do with her.

 

If we don't get back together...

 

Continue to focus on myself and not worry about being in a relationship. I have a tendency to be too co-dependent with my partner. I become needy/insecure/boring.

 

The first question I have for you is do you really think the two of you are completely right for each other? To me it sounds like she enjoys going out and being extremely social, while that is not your style at all. While its perfectly healthy and acceptable to complimentary personalities in a relationship, I sense some fundamental differences here that are going to continue to cause problems for the two of you if you get back together.

 

That being said, I don't think you should pretend to be someone you're not just because you love her and want to be with her. Eventually it will eat up at you and you'll end up reverting to your old self, and she will see right through your act. She needs to love you for who you are and what you like to do, without you having to do what you think makes her happy. Also, if you can't trust her and you know that she has lied in the past, what makes you think she wont do it again? In order to have a successful relationship you have to have full faith and trust in her and her actions. Are you healed enough to do that? Have you forgiven her for what she has lied about in the past?

 

Also, I think that its a positive thing that you have accepted your co-dependent nature in relationships. Regardless of what her decision is, you need to keep working on this aspect of yourself.

 

When you talk to her, you need to keep yourself calm and remain aloof. Don't get overcharged with emotion if she says something you don't agree with. Since you've been acting unaffected by things and like you're moving on, you need to act like you're 100% okay if she says she doesn't want to be with you anymore. Make sure that you prepare for whatever she might say, regardless of how upsetting her words may be.

[pg13]

I don't plan on pretending I'm someone else for the long term. I just wanted to appear as if I'm not needy and that I can have a life without her (she would say I'm too needy, and to have my own social life). I didn't want her to know that I've been depressed about the breakup and just analyzing it the whole day. I agree that I do need to work on that aspect of myself, it is not smart to depend on someone else for their own sense of happiness.

 

I'm arranging to meet up with her in person tomorrow. Whatever I would hear, it would be best if it was in person rather than through some form of technology. Preparation is key. I'm not too sure about what I can expect from her. Hopeful it's towards a successful reconciliation, but realizing it could be the official end of this chapter of my life. Still don't know how I should act though, all I know is I cannot show too much emotion on both outcomes. I just don't want to breakdown and start begging and making myself look pathetic, I also don't want to get extremely angry at her and leave the meeting with so much pent up rage. At the same time, I don't want to be too happy about the reconciliation and agree to all of the terms she would most likely have.

 

Trust... That would have to be something she has to earn. I'm not giving it up so easily. As much as I hate to say this, I caught her lying because I'm extremely persistent when it comes down to finding "stuff" to get upset about. I feel guilty as well, if she found out about some things, she wouldn't be able to trust me and she'd be having the same or worse "trust issues" with me. I kind of figure maybe this was karma. If so, I believe I know better now to not do anything that would make her lose trust in me if she knew about it.

[Tanzi]

I have to agree with nomorelovish ... are you really sure you are right for each other? It sounds as though there are a number of issues that you will have to resolve if you do decide on reconcilliation. You will both also have to accept each other for who you are and accept that neither of you should have to change to suit the other ... you will have to both learn to compromise and that won't always be easy, but if you both have a positive and mature approach to the new relationship then it can be done.

 

You have recognised where you went wrong in the relationship the first time around and that is a good thing. That is something for you to work positively on ... for yourself and for this, or perhaps even a new, relationship.

 

As for the meeting I think you have already outlined what you should and shouldn't do so I think you do know how to act, even though you say you don't. Just have confidence in yourself. You are right, if she doesn't want reconcilliation then breaking down, begging and getting angry is not going to make her change her mind. You will have to accept the situation with dignity, as hard as that will be.

 

If she does want reconcilliation then I guess you will have some talking to but try not to push too hard for too many answers though.

 

Good luck

[pg13]

Ok, so we didn't get to meet up but we did talk on the phone for awhile. Pretty much, she says that she would like to finish up her quarter in school before getting in to a relationship since she's going to be very busy for the next 2 1/2 weeks. Apparently, she got in to an accident early this morning at 3am on her way home from a party. She fell asleep on the wheel since she's so freaking caught up with her sorority and had to take all her friends home. Her mom is extremely mad at her since this is the 4th accident she's been in, 2nd time she dozed off on the wheel. She wasn't hurt but I believe she messed up the two front wheels and the suspension of the car.

 

Anyway, I agreed with her decision. Minutes later, I text her and said that we should try to mend things now and see each other a couple times a week so when summer comes, things would be good already.

 

I'm really disappointed in her right now. Her mom even thinks she spends way too much time with her sorority. I really don't want to try and work things out during the summer, and then eventually have things fall apart once school starts again. She said she's happy that she finally has a group of friends and that it'll look good on her resume. Personally, I think it's stupid. Really, really, really stupid.

[j44]

i think you guys may be incompatible, if i was a homebody, i don't think the sorority girl would be my first pick, especially with all the drunken frat guys she is around, and screw that waiting for her decision, be the man, act like the man, and you will get a woman who you are more compatible with, maybe you need a new experience.

 

she's selfish, dont wait around go NC, lol i just read the last post, im sick of guys who wait around for a girl to make a decision, shes too busy, blah blah blah, dont believe any of it, would she be too busy for brad pitt....

[pg13]

i think you guys may be incompatible, if i was a homebody, i don't think the sorority girl would be my first pick, especially with all the drunken frat guys she is around, and screw that waiting for her decision, be the man, act like the man, and you will get a woman who you are more compatible with, maybe you need a new experience.

 

she's selfish, dont wait around go NC, lol i just read the last post, im sick of guys who wait around for a girl to make a decision, shes too busy, blah blah blah, dont believe any of it, would she be too busy for brad pitt....

 

Yeah, I called her and she was at another "gathering" or event or whatever. She says that school, work, sorority are priorities. A relationship is just a personal priority. Her reason for the sorority as a priority? $160 a month, so she has to make the most of it by going to every event! Something else about being able to put all her charity work that she helps with on her resume, saying something like "I can put all the charity work and accomplishments/leadership positions in a resume, can I put in a 2 year relationship?!" She hung up on me and I text her saying that she's better off hooking up and casually dating frat guys since she cannot possibly expect to be in a serious relationship with someone if the relationship is not a priority in her life. I was called insecure and rude. I ended the text conversation by telling her that if going to her sorority events/parties all the time is what she wants, she can't possibly be in a serious relationship.

 

I am so F***** pissed! I thought she was coming to her senses, and now I find out I'm not even a priority in her life! All because of $160 a month, a few lines in her resume, and a social network!!!! I can't believe how SELFISH she is and how immature for her to not even REALIZE HOW SELFISH she sounds!!!! And she has the nerve to tell me I'm rude and insecure for pointing out the TRUTH TO HER? Arghhhh...!!!!

[Tanzi]

I agree with j44 ... you guys are imcompatible. Right now you both want different things and probably always will, most certainly you will for the foreseeable futurue. She clearly isn't prepared to compromise since she is pushing herself to the limit for the sake of her sorority. It doesn't sound as if she wants a steady relationship. I think its time you thought about moving on. I know its hard but you can do it and one day you will find someone you are more compatible with.

[Ms Darcy]

Time for some tough love.

 

She HAS come to her senses AND you are not a priority in her life. I'm sorry. It hurts. But now you know the truth.

 

Honestly, there is absolutely nothing wrong with her line of thinking. Granted, I have never been in a sorority, but I certainly understand the value of having that friendship comraderie. And within that structure, it's designed to be a 'friendship network for life.' Lots of people do it and are very involved with it - many of my friends, co-workers, even the first lady of the United States! - and many years later they are happy that they had the experience. So, it's a very common organization to be involved in albeit an expensive one. If she's going overboard on her sorority, that's for her mom and others to talk to her about. Not you. As a bf, you might be able to say something. As an ex, you have no standing to do so or complain.

 

So, there are a few things going on here. One, is the clear incompatibility. She has a different personality, different 'going out' patterns, and different life goals from you. The second is your co-dependence. It's unattractive and coupled with the fact that you are incompatible, it probably kills her desire to try again any time soon. The third is future goals. Have you asked her specifically what SHE wants in a relationship. We know what you want, but not what she wants. If what she wants isn't what you want - or isn't you - you need to respect that and respect yourself. You need to move on.

 

I personally think she said the summer thing either because she anticipated being bored and wanted you as a security blanket or hoped that she would redevelop feelings for you by then. Either way, it's pretty clear that she doesn't want you now and you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want you, right?

 

Please try to accept her decision hon. You deserve a young lady who wants you too.

[pg13]

I agree with j44 ... you guys are imcompatible. Right now you both want different things and probably always will, most certainly you will for the foreseeable futurue. She clearly isn't prepared to compromise since she is pushing herself to the limit for the sake of her sorority. It doesn't sound as if she wants a steady relationship. I think its time you thought about moving on. I know its hard but you can do it and one day you will find someone you are more compatible with.

 

We are incompatible. I knew that already, but my emotions got the best of me. Apparently she blames me for being rude and selfish for not understanding that she wants to make the best of her remaining college life (1 year?!). She has been so manipulative towards me and sugar coats the actual truth so she wouldn't look bad, she is such a dishonest coward. I can't be in love with someone like that anymore. I pretty much cussed her out and said she is a selfish, manipulative, b***h. People outside of her Greek world will just see her as a party animal/sl*t. And she isn't really focused on her career since she should be getting an internship, instead she chooses to put 110% towards the sorority. She gives the most stupid and unreasonable excuses, and then blames me for being insecure.

[pg13]

Her decision is selfish. She sees her sorority as a priority, and the relationship as something on the side. She wants to be in a relationship with me but only give it her time and effort when the summer rolls by when her friends go home! I told her she's better off having flings and hooking up with random guys if she can't put in the effort towards maintaining a relationship. She told me herself last week that she doesn't want to act all nice and go through getting to know someone and get comfortable again. Now she's saying that she doesn't understand why we need to get all serious when she doesn't plan on getting married until she's 27. It's really clear to me now that she is not relationship material. She is the type of girl you would party with and hook up with but never consider actually getting in to a relationship with them. She fooled me really good, I've never encountered such a manipulative person.

[Tanzi]

We are incompatible. I knew that already, but my emotions got the best of me. Apparently she blames me for being rude and selfish for not understanding that she wants to make the best of her remaining college life (1 year?!). She has been so manipulative towards me and sugar coats the actual truth so she wouldn't look bad, she is such a dishonest coward. I can't be in love with someone like that anymore. I pretty much cussed her out and said she is a selfish, manipulative, b***h. People outside of her Greek world will just see her as a party animal/sl*t. And she isn't really focused on her career since she should be getting an internship, instead she chooses to put 110% towards the sorority. She gives the most stupid and unreasonable excuses, and then blames me for being insecure.

 

I guess thats how it gets when two people just aren't on the same level. I don't think theres any point in the two of you arguing anymore. I think you know that it is time for you to get out now and give yourself the chance to meet someone better for you.

[savignon]

You don't even sound like you like her....you call her social life "stupid", you're "pissed" at her for her feelings and you describe at length that ....

she's so freaking caught up with her sorority and had to take all her friends home. Her mom is extremely mad at her since this is the 4th accident she's been in, 2nd time she dozed off on the wheel. She wasn't hurt but I believe she messed up the two front wheels and the suspension of the car.

You talk about her disapprovingly, condescendingly and then wait around for her all calmly, pretending to have moved on, only to BLAST her when you don't get the answer you want. Just because she's enjoying her social life and activities does NOT mean that she is

hooking up and casually dating frat guys

I'd have hung up on you, too. Sorry.

Find someone who's more of a homebody so you don't have to accuse them of those kinds of things or be rude like:

(telling her)she cannot possibly expect to be in a serious relationship

You are her ex boyfriend and therefore not a priority to her. I think you *did* come off as insecure and rude and she knows what she wants. The way you talk about her, it doesn't sound like you want her either.

[pg13]

I guess thats how it gets when two people just aren't on the same level. I don't think theres any point in the two of you arguing anymore. I think you know that it is time for you to get out now and give yourself the chance to meet someone better for you.

 

Yeah. We've pretty much been texting each other back and forth. I can't believe her. I can't believe how someone you love can stab you in the back and then blame you for getting too close to the knife. Why couldn't she just tell me that she didn't want to be in a relationship in the first place? Instead she asks me to wait until she decides... When she decides, she says to wait another 2-3 weeks until she's not busy. And then I asked her what happens after summer? She says that will be another challenge we have to go through. ARGHHH, if she could have only said she doesn't want to be in a relationship because she can't put that ahead of the sorority anymore. Instead she tries to save face and blames me for not being reasonable and putting me down because I haven't finished school at the age of 24. It's not like I'm asking her to quit, I'm just asking her to dedicate more of her time and effort on the relationship to make it better. I am so frustrated.

[pg13]

When we talked last week, I made it clear to her that if she wanted to get back together, she would have to make time and put in the effort to make things work. It can't just be me doing everything and accommodating her schedule. Yesterday she tells me that she'll have more time during the summer because all her friends are going home, and when school starts it'll be another challenge for us.

 

She wants to have fun and live her college life to the fullest, while having someone there to love on her free time. That's what she wants. She gave me excuses as why the sorority is a priority such as the monthly payment and the memories and connections. She wants both a relationship and a sorority life, but she can only dedicate her time for one of them because of $160 a month and sentences in a resume.

 

If she could have just told me that she is sorry that she can't be in a serious relationship right now because she would rather be involved in the sorority and have fun with them, I wouldn't be as frustrated. She can't say that, she still blames me for going NC when she couldn't make time for us. I'm selfish for wanting her dedication year-round instead of just for the summer. I asked her how she would feel if she were in my position, all she could say was, "I already told you, have a good life or wait 3 weeks. I'm busy, bye."

 

Why does she need to give me hope if she knows she can't do what it takes to make the relationship work? It's really frustrating! I'm not asking her to give it all up, I'm just asking for a compromise but her compromise is take it or leave it. I don't blame her for enjoying herself and having the time of her life, just don't string me along when a serious relationship is not a priority.

[justletgo07]

So basically, you're both being immature and self-interested. You're blaming her and saying "if only you had done this" and she's blaming you and saying "if only you'd done that." You're getting angry and insulting her because she's not giving you what you want when you want it, and she is basically acting the same way.

 

As others have said, you don't seem to be compatible, or at least you don't have compatible interests, desires, personalities, etc., at this time. You're getting angry and resenting her because she is not the person you made her up in your head to be, not because she's necessarily doing anything wrong. You're making judgemental remarks about her lifestyle choices simply because they don't coincide with yours.

 

You think you're being the self-less one because you feel like you love her, care for her, and would do anything for her, but in reality you're being just as selfish as she is, if not moreso, because you're trying to get things from someone who doesn't want to give them to you. You're also making the selfish assumption that her choice and/or behavior means she doesn't care about you too. She seems to know what she wants, decided that being with you is not giving that to her, and is taking responsibility for her own happiness by being proactive about getting her needs/wants met. You're essentially in the same boat she was/is in, but rather than accept that she is unable to give those things to you and taking steps to find people who can and want to, you're sitting around resenting her for her choices and making your happiness depend on her.

 

I apologize if this comes off as harsh, but I feel as though you need to hear it. It's nothing personal, I just think you need to see the reality of the situation you are in. It would have been selfish of her to try to hang on to you and to your relationship knowing that you were incompatible and that it didn't make her happy. Now you're being selfish because you expect her to comprimise what she wants and needs for you.

 

Sometimes two good people just aren't good for each other.

[Tanzi]

It's not like I'm asking her to quit, I'm just asking her to dedicate more of her time and effort on the relationship to make it better. I am so frustrated.

 

It doesn't sound as if she wants to. She has other priorities and she is putting them first. She may have gone about ending the relationship the wrong way by not giving you a straight answer but I guess its not an easy situation to be in and, to be honest, one which many people probably handle badly ... I know that doesn't help you but I don't think she purposely set out to hurt you. You have just grown apart. It is time for you to bail out and let her live her life as she wants to and for you to do the same.

[pg13]

I see what you all mean. This will not work out at all. I've invested too much emotionally to consider a non serious relationship with her. Add the fact that we can't get along and we do not have the same desires, interests, and compatible personalities there's no reason why I should even consider a reconciliation with her now or in the future. Dishonesty, lack of dedication, lack of effort on her part just proves that I'm beating a dead horse. NC/LC/Full contact, none of that will matter... There's no strategy/game that I can play. There's no "win" situation for me in this. I've made my mistakes and said some words, but she has done the same plus more. I did leave her a message on her voicemail to apologize for getting angry and throwing the insults in, even though she started it I can't stoop down to that level at the end. I've said my goodbyes, and told her I loved her but we're just not compatible. There's nothing else I can do but walk away and mark this as the end of a chapter in my life.

 

My mistake was caring too much for someone who cared so little, giving my all and planning a future with her when she couldn't do the same. I ignored the red flags in the beginning and ignored the advice of all my close friends and family members, I trusted my heart this time and it was wrong.

 

After this ordeal, I don't even want to be in a relationship any time soon. I don't think I'm even looking forward to dating yet. I'm not ready. I need to prioritize myself and my goals before I even consider being in love again. Whenever I get hurt in a relationship I get set back in school. I'm 24 and I can't be doing that anymore.

 

Going out and socializing/partying may work for some people to get over someone, but it doesn't really work for me. I'll keep doing what I do and focus on finishing school and establishing my career. If I find someone who's relationship material then I might pursue them. Maybe I just need to take every girl that comes in to my life less seriously, so next time I wouldn't be in this position being the bitter/angry/frustrated dumpee.

[Ms Darcy]

Amen. Agreed.

[Tanzi]

I think you are doing the right thing. I can't see that you two would have ever been on the same path or certainly not for some time to come. Trying to make this relationship work would just continue to zap you or all your energy. Put that energy into working on your career and moving on. That is what I am doing at the moment. Its good to have something else to focus on.