Is this anti-social behavior?

[renaissancewoman101]

This weekend is a big SCA event. Tomorrow and Sunday I will be fencing in a tournament. This weekend is also a camping event. Originally I was going to camp but never really signed up to camp with a certain group (even though I was invited to by different people). I went to the event today, had a good time, hung out with people but kind of also kept to myself. Decided at the last minute not to camp. A lot of my friends found that strange and even some of them said I could camp with their group even though I hadn't signed up. I declined all invitations. I just explained that I didn't mind the hour drive home and wanted to sleep in my own bed. I wasn't planning on partying and really just wanted to be alone. After being around people all day, I tend to withdraw and want to be away from it all. So I drove the hour home down windy mountain roads that were freaky at times

 

Am I anti-social? Now I have a bunch of friends kinda wondering why I don't like camping. I really don't. I have allergy issues (even though meds handle that), and I hate sleeping in a sleeping bag on a hard floor.

[Greedy Toad]

Well, I HATE camping also, however, sometimes to be social you need to do things that don't completely suit you.

 

I think it is a little on the anti-social side.

 

Actually, from the other things you have said, I would say that your general behaviour is anti-social (not in a negative way), more of a loner sort of behaviour.

[renaissancewoman101]

Yes, I tend to be a loner and as I get older, it tends to be more pronounced

 

I know that to be friends, I need to come out of my shell and do things I don't want to sometimes. I just can't do camping and lately (even with taking the anti-anxiety meds), I tend to want to hide away more. I did explain that to one of my friends and he seems to understand.

[Capricorn3]

You do sound more of the loner type, and even if that is viewed as anti-social by some, then so be it. You have to be happy with your OWN life and by doing things that don't make you happy, all it does is make you unhappy.

 

The older I get, the more I am learning that I DON'T have to do things which are "expected". I now do things that make me happy and I don't want to go camping, then I don't.

 

Do what is right for YOU!

[renaissancewoman101]

You do sound more of the loner type, and even if that is viewed as anti-social by some, then so be it. You have to be happy with your OWN life and by doing things that don't make you happy, all it does is make you unhappy.

 

The older I get, the more I am learning that I DON'T have to do things which are "expected". I now do things that make me happy and I don't want to go camping, then I don't.

 

Do what is right for YOU!

 

Thanks! I do agree with you, the older I get, the more I want to do things the way I do them (aka, if I don't like camping, I won't do it). I do still try to fit in, in other ways. But some things, I just won't bend.

[Batya33]

How long have these people been your friends? Do you think if you didn't do these activities with them they would still spend time with you or is the friendship more based on the shared interest/activity. If the latter, it might be that you sense that and shy away from camping, which is more "intimate" than the activity-focused friendship.

[Miss Firecracker]

Do what you want to do, Ren. Don't think about why so much. If you hate to camp, then don't do it.

[shikashika]

Don't go if you don't enjoy it. However, you do often post worrying about whether people like you or not. Several times, I will go do something, even if the activity is not so much fun.

 

if you absolutely detest it, then don't... but i don't know, it's always good to put oneself out of your comfort lev

 

Eg, I HATE hockey (despite being Canadian) but a couple of times, friends have invited me to go with a big group of people... so i went. it's more about the socialising anyway. just like camping.

 

If you really don't care and want to sleep in your own bed, then don't go... but I've noticed how you often post about people's perception of you.

 

I think in this case, they were more surprised because you backed out at the last minute. If you never wanted to go in the first place, you should have said so then.

 

Anyway, I'm sure it is no big deal whether you decide to go camping or not.

[mr me]

I also wonder if you have thought about if your an introvert. Introverts tend to be able to only do so much with groups of people. It might have been good if you left because sometimes when you do too much you end up gettin agitated and cranky so that could make it worse. Im pretty anti-social and like was said before ive had to learn to be ok with it. Im not the one that goes out alot but when i do i usually make sure i enjoy it. I think they might have seen it as weird but if they keep on spending time with you hopefully they wont take it the wrong way. Alot of the time when you dont do things other people do they might feel kinda rejected and it might be something you need to clear up by saying it wasnt so much about them unless it is or it was just something you did for yourself. I wonder if thats a problem with not always doing things for yourself because your a people pleaser because i think thats something people need to learn how to handle so you still do things for yourself. Im learning how to do things like that and eventho it was hard at first, its been working out better for me in the end.

[COtuner]

I would have done the same as you, if I didn't know and like those people well. Sometimes I avoid social gatherings because I end up being pushed to the corner because they run out of things to talk about with me - I don't have kids, for example, which makes me automatically of no interest to the other women my age. I hate just standing there feeling awkward and alone. My life is very different than many people I know - I socialize with people who have very extensive experience with life, they have moved around different places, they do lots of different things, they have many diverse interests and can talk about them, and they have a good sense of humor so we can poke fun at the mommies discussing school bus schedules vs just driving the kid to school as if it's a national emergency.

 

I wouldn't worry about it. It's just an uncomfortable situation and you instinctively knew that it wasn't the right situation for you.

[KG]

Renny,

You do what's right for you. You don't like camping, you didn't go. You do like fencing, you went.

And as far as being a loner sometimes, so what?

[renaissancewoman101]

How long have these people been your friends? Do you think if you didn't do these activities with them they would still spend time with you or is the friendship more based on the shared interest/activity. If the latter, it might be that you sense that and shy away from camping, which is more "intimate" than the activity-focused friendship.

 

These people are my friends though our shared interest and also with my gaming. I also fence with a lot of them. Me not camping doesn't affect the friendship because I still show up at the events. For example, I am going back up to the event this morning because there is fencing and I can hang out all day with my friends after fencing and share dinner with them. I also volunteered to do something tonight so I may stay on grounds tonight (not sure).

 

I have been friends with most of them since Oct of last year.

 

You might be right about camping though. I really like time to myself in the morning and don't like being around people when I get up and do my things. I dunno. Maybe a bit too "intimate" and it worries me. I dunno.

[renaissancewoman101]

Thanks for the response.

 

The event is a camping event and a lot else. Actually it is an event that is spread out over 4 days that involve a lot of hanging out with friends (who usually camp in groups), organized fighting (fencing or whatnot), taking historical-type classes if you are so interested), and PARTYING. Yes, there are wild, crazy parties that go on at night around the camps (been there done that at last event). Part of the camerarderie is staying overnight and enjoying the company of friends. I like hanging out with friends but to an extent. I also feel like a loner a lot of times (which doesn't help) and sometimes I just want to be alone. I try to share in everything EXCEPT the camping.

 

So far, I think people find me a bit odd, but we are all still friends.

[Batya33]

These people are my friends though our shared interest and also with my gaming. I also fence with a lot of them. Me not camping doesn't affect the friendship because I still show up at the events. For example, I am going back up to the event this morning because there is fencing and I can hang out all day with my friends after fencing and share dinner with them. I also volunteered to do something tonight so I may stay on grounds tonight (not sure).

 

I have been friends with most of them since Oct of last year.

 

You might be right about camping though. I really like time to myself in the morning and don't like being around people when I get up and do my things. I dunno. Maybe a bit too "intimate" and it worries me. I dunno.

 

Yes, I meant what you wrote in the last paragraph - that in general you might not like the intimacy of camping and in particular you don't know these people well enough. I don't think you should worry about affecting the friendships - do what is right for you. It's certainly not anti-social. For example, if you invited one or two of these people to go with you to a museum or a movie - completely unrelated to the activities you share - and they declined would you find it anti-social or simply that person's preference not to expand the friendship beyond the shared activities?

[stella74]

Ren, I think it's great that you realized you didn't want to go and said no. Maybe one of the reasons you got drunk and acted out on that last camping trip with these friends - besides the issues with that guy you liked - is because you felt socially uncomfortable in that situation. Four days is a long time to spend with people, so I think it's fine you declined to go. It doesn't matter what they think. You need to learn to feel okay making your own decisions without worrying whether people will disapprove.

[penelope13]

I guess it would have been considered less 'weird' by your friends, if you had been upfront about not liking camping, rather than to pull out the last minute.

 

I can understand that you do not like a lot of company and that you do get stressed out a lot in situations that are outside of your comfort zone.

 

However these kind of events are very conductive to forming lasting friendships and a group feeling. It it the 'getting together through unusual situations etc' that makes you bond more than just a single event at any given time.

 

So if another occasion arises (maybe where there are no tents involved) I'd consider staying also overnight

[renaissancewoman101]

Penelope13, I never really "signed" up to camp with anybody (normally most people sign up to camp with their group when they pre-reg). I didn't pre-reg, and when people asked me who I was camping with, I was vague about it. So, I never committed to camping with ANY group, even though a bunch of people asked me if I wanted to camp with them. I didn't want to feel trapped into camping (if I were to NOT want to).

 

I am the type of person if I say I will do it, I will. That is why I was intentionally vague about it. So the three groups of people who asked me (and I was vague to), assumed I was camping with the other group. I hate committing to things because then I feel guilty if I don't do it. For example, I was asked by some people at the event, to volunteer for some things (that involved 2 hours of my time). I didn't really want to do it because I didn't want to be tied down to something, but they were earnest about it and needed volunteers, so I agreed to it as a favor for some friends. I ended up helping out last night and when I was done, I was so tired I didn't drive home. I didn't party either. My friends offered me a tent and bed to sleep it. I declined and slept in my car and drove all the way home this morning at 5 AM so I could shower and take my meds and eat.

 

I will go back later (since there is more fencing). I am worn out and I ache all over (not used to all that much walking - I did some volunteer work with our volunteer patrol so walked around the entire campsite for 2 hours to monitor campfires and rowdy parties).

 

It was kind of interesting to know that a lot of people DO know me, just from seeing me around, seeing me fence, etc. I am nice and will talk to people. I just have a wall up where I am nice to a point, then I get nervous and will excuse myself (for example, I was invited to a party Friday night. I chatted with some people, but excused myself and went home).

 

People say I am missing out on the camerarderie, but I think what is going on is I have a "wall" up and don't like to let it all down. I'm not sure why though.

 

I am exhausted but having a good time. I just like being able to control my own time and stuff I want to do, unlike last event where I went up in a group and one of the girls carpooled with me.

 

I don't like being tied to other people's schedules. Not sure if other people are like that though.

[bulletproof]

I think it's okay to not like camping, but it also doesn't hurt to think about why you don't like it, which I think you've been exploring in these posts. If it's about the intimacy of camping, then at some point you may have to accept that your friendships/relationships are only going to go so far, because you are not willing to let people in all the way. And if you're okay with that, then that's all that matters. Never worry about what others think. Easier said than done, I know!

 

Just on a practical note- if you do find yourself in a situation where you might want to consider camping, then there's tons of great gear that you can get to make it incredibly comfortable. You could also camp on your own away from the other campers. I know a lot of people who do that when we all go to events, and nobody thinks they're weird for it- just that they need space.

 

Accept yourself and how you are so that others are allowed to accept you, too.

[renaissancewoman101]

Bulletproof, thanks for chiming in. You probably are right, I avoid camping because I don't want to get too close to people (one of my friends had mentioned that before that he thinks I don't let people get to know me - I do hang out with people and such but I also keep up a "wall").

 

I really want to get to know people better but I have a hard time letting down my "wall". And it isn't because people aren't nice and friendly to me. They are. It is a hang up of mines.

 

I have camping gear. The first time I went camping with the SCA (last war), I went all out and got camping gear and was really excited. After sleeping in a tent, in a sleeping bag, on the hard ground and not having adequate shower facilities and dirt and grime and bugs all over, I started to NOT like camping. If we camped in cabins, I would find that fun. Tent camping, on the other hand, is not me.

[Batya33]

Why not buy an aerobed/air mattress so you're not as close to the ground, and get some of those makeup remover towelettes, or even baby wipes so you can feel cleaner in the morning?