If you are healed+No Expectations, you can stop playing games

[FriendnorFoe]

read something on some thread before that made me think and kinda agree with it. Once you have reached the point where you either dont care about getting back together or rejection again wont phase you in the least way, I dont see a problem with calling them, depending on your motives if you eventually want to try again or just reconnect a friendship. even NC can be somewhat problematic in ways, not in the least of regaining yourself, but it to can just be a game in some sense, a waiting game that is. If pride or fear is on the other end, your exs part, they might not contact you for this reason. I do believe in waiting until they call you, but if you are strong enough I think that its fine to call them. My ex called me a month ago to ask if I wanted my playstation back, which was probably just an excuse to call me and see what was up. Well if she has run out of excuses to call me she might be too scared to do so. if I dont hear from her in the next month I decided to call her up to see whats up with her, not hoping she will fall into my arms right after, just because she is a cool chick and I am intrested to see what is going on with her life, n e ways I am not trying to dissect my own situation here, I am just saying that NC to the bitter end isnt a good method for everyone, some need phone or the face to face idea of chance or closure, but like I said only if you are 100% ready for somethin like that and not just so you can see her to try to sway them. Well thats my thoughts n e wayz

[Casanova4life]

NC isnt to get her/him back is get YOU back. yes after 3 months of strict NC ( i recommend 6 months of NC to make sure everything from the previous relationship is forgotten or at least dramatically faded out from her memory) and you decide you would like to try again you should call her and let her know you will be attending ( fill in the blank) and ask her if she would like to join you. in other words show her you will be there whether or not she decides to join you.

[FriendnorFoe]

NC isnt to get her/him back is get YOU back. yes after 3 months of strict NC ( i recommend 6 months of NC to make sure everything from the previous relationship is forgotten or at least dramatically faded out from her memory) and you decide you would like to try again you should call her and let her know you will be attending ( fill in the blank) and ask her if she would like to join you. in other words show her you will be there whether or not she decides to join you.

 

Firstly, I think it has been well established who NC is for, secondly its not about a set amount of time, everyone works at a diffrent pace, someone could be completely healed it 2 months while another could still be crying before bed after 5 months, and thirdly I kinda agree with your idea, only it sounds more like a template for how to go about it from a e-book, you should be yourself and as natural as possible, I believe you should meet up but not as a tag along thing, like I said it depends on if you wanna try to start something again or if you can still be friends.

[nomorelovish]

FriendorFoe,

 

What do you do if you told them you don't think its a good idea to talk ever again, and that you can never be friends with them? I told my ex in a nice way that I would never talk to him again, which is obviously something I didn't want and I didn't mean it. I do eventually want to be friends with him and see if there is any spark left, but I feel that if I were to ever call him I would be going back on my word and it would make me look weak. I don't plan on calling him anytime soon, seeing as its only been a month of NC and I'm nowhere near ready for that, but I'm curious to get your opinion on this.

 

I am the dumpee, we've been broken up for 2 months with a month of NC, initiated by me as I said.

[FriendnorFoe]

I dont see a problem calling him down the line when you are ready as you said. If you wanna try to be friends and on the sideline see if there is any chemistry it will be fine to call, depending on how he feels about meeting up that sounds very low key and non threatening, opposed to all or nothing trying to make such an impression is more desperate. In response to your comments,

 

I wouldnt worry about it too much, words are a mouthful and dont always say what we actually mean, obviously during the time of the breakup people will say some things because they are really confused, or believe its the best thing for now, perhaps you just said it to get your distance and clear your mind so he wouldnt be hindering your progress by contact or thinking of him.

 

My ex said some really hurtful things when she dumped me, pretty sure she didnt mean half of them, but that was her way of sending me the picture that she didnt want to be with me anymore, at first it I saw it as very mean, and it was, but looking back if she cushioned it anymore and and was nice about it, I prolly would have tried to find ways to weasel back in or beg, perhaps she knew that ahead of time and broke it off the way she did it.

 

Dont sweat it though, she said she didnt want to speak again and for me to leave her alone, lol, she called me like 40 days after we broke up, I didnt see her as weak or going back on her word because I understand that people dont always mean that they NEVER want to speak to you again, its pretty finalized and harsh inless there was abuse or cheating I dont think thats really how they feel in most cases.

 

Keep doing NC until you feel absolutley ready and if you havent heard from him then, theres no prob. droppin him a line to see whats up. Best of luck hun

 

[ThisXmas]

I think it's a good idea. However, when do you know you don't have expectations? I feel like usually when I don't have expectations I don't care to see them or to know how they are doing any more. I guess maybe I will call him when I am fully prepared for the worst scenario?

[Ixtapa]

I agree that NC can feel unnatural after a while (and like a waiting game too).

I have not heard or seen my ex since the end of January. Sent him one short email 1.5 months ago to which he didnt answer (but then again, it was to give him some info I felt he might want, was not expecting an answer). I was determined to keep doing NC for months but coincidentally, I will be spending a few days at the end of June in the city he moved to.

 

Im thinking I might contact him then and see if he wants to meet up (coz of course I would love to see him). If he doesnt answer or tells me he doesnt want to meet up it will be a clear sign that I need to move on and I WILL. Up to this point, I have no idea what he might be thinking about our relationship. Things were very complicated when we split up and I think he might be too proud (or too shy) to make the first move. Of course, I will never know if I never contact him again. Being in his city for a couple days is too much an opportunity to pass I think...and I take it as a sign that I should make a move (or forever be silent!).

 

Of course I am now doing NC to heal and try to move on but I would be lying if I said Im not hoping for him to get back in touch with me. I think in a few weeks I will be strong enough to handle him ignoring me or rejecting me. Have not yet decided if I will contact him or not .......but since NC is starting to feel like a game on my side....why not ?

[longdist]

I feel like usually when I don't have expectations I don't care to see them or to know how they are doing any more.

 

Total agreement. I think many of us lie to ourselves on here about not having expectations. The reality is that if we didn't, then we really wouldn't take the effort to 1) ask questions on ENA, 2) try to develop a relationship with an ex (no easy task even as friends). I've caught myself in the same lie.

[Aldonza]

I hate that phrase "no expectations." I dated a guy who fancied himself some sort of zen master. He used that phrase all the time in relation to dating. I needed to have "no expectations." The meant, I couldn't expect him to want to see me, or to have a caring relationship.

 

It did, however, mean I could expect him to call when he was horny and he could expect me to receive him with open arms.

 

Funny how those expectations work.

 

Perhaps "hope" is a better word. Optimistic. Open to the possibility of failure. But without binding the other person.