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Should I want her back? Or thank her for not being in the relationship anymore.


pg13

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Been broken up for about 2 months. Very low LC or NC for the whole time. I met up with my ex on Sunday night and talked for a couple hours. It was a good conversation, I wasn't being too pushy about getting back together but I emphasized that it was what I wanted. She called Tuesday night, I missed the call so I called her back 30 minutes later; she doesn't pick up. Sent her a message the next day saying, "Returned your call last night, what's up?" No response.

 

She's in a sorority now. Because of that, she felt as if she had to lie to me about hanging out/talking to guys. She'd be out late at night sometimes and would not pick up her phone or call me. Some nights she would go out with her friends, and then drop by to come see me at the very end of the night (1-2am). By that time, she's really tired and falls asleep within minutes. I start to get insecure because I don't get to spend much time with her, talk, or even get affection, sex was rare (max was once a week, minimum once every two). We were drifting apart and communication was bad, it seemed as if I was the only one trying to fix things. She could not make time for me if her friends wanted her to go out with them.

 

What changed between our breakup and Sunday? She's been going out Thursday-Saturday to parties or sorority occasions. She listens to whatever her friends tell her. Most likely she has been talking to or messing around with other guys (i'm not 100% about the messing around, but most of her friends are like that). Even though we had a positive conversation, it still seems as if I'm the one who has to change to accommodate her new lifestyle. I do believe I should depend on her less, but I'm not sure if this relationship will work if she's too in to her "sorority lifestyle". She already broke my trust in her twice that caused us to breakup in November and in March.

 

She is obviously selfish/self-centered, short-tempered, immature, and likes to party a lot. When she first meets someone, she has a very sweet tone of voice and you would think she's the sweetest/coolest person. I'm sure that's one of the reasons why guys are all over her.

 

I'm waiting for her decision if she wants to try it out again or not. Am I a fool? 4 out of 4 of my best friends and my entire family will be disappointed in me if I get back with her. They see how she is and I talked to them about the things she's done, and all of them believe I should move on. 3 out of 4 of my bestfriends start to get pissed off at me when I even bring her up.

 

I want to tell her that I don't think we will work out. I'm not sure what the point of that will be. It just honestly bothers me that she's having the time of her life right now, not even thinking about me much, after all the BS she put me through. A part of me wants her to feel pain and hardship for being such a b*tch. The other part of me just wants her back and deal with her.

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She is obviously selfish/self-centered, short-tempered, immature, and likes to party a lot.

I'm waiting for her decision if she wants to try it out again or not. Am I a fool? 4 out of 4 of my best friends and my entire family will be disappointed in me if I get back with her. They see how she is and I talked to them about the things she's done, and all of them believe I should move on. 3 out of 4 of my bestfriends start to get pissed off at me when I even bring her up.

I think your friends and family are very wise and have your best interests at heart.
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Wow, everyday I'm on here and read different post by different people. I must say that this is another story that sounds similar to mine and my ex girlfriend. It's so hard, but I'm happy that I can come on this site and listen and talk to people that I can relate to. Good luck with your situation.

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First, while I think your friends and family are looking out for your best interests, I think you're putting too much weight on what other people think. If getting back together is what you want, and your ex feels the same way, then you should do what YOU want, instead of seeking the approval of others. What do YOU think you should do? What do YOU want?

 

I know you're hurting, but you need to stop resenting her for living her own life. Nothing is stopping you from doing the same. She hasn't asked you to stop living your life, nor should you if she ever asked. You need to stop making excuses for yourself and get out there and live your life. If you're not having the time of your life, it is because you are choosing not to.

 

You need to take responsibility for your own happiness, instead of taking the attitude that other people (i.e. your ex) are keeping you from being happy. Strong, attractive, emotionally healthy people don't wait for others to fulfill their needs; they get out there and get their own needs met. If she doesn't want to help you meet your needs, then I'm sure there's someone else out there that would be happy to.

 

Even if she wants to get back together, it is not going to last very long if you fail to overcome your co-dependant behavior with her. Girls want guys that don't need them in order to be happy, content, etc. and your approach to this situation is demostrating the opposite.

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Even if she wants to get back together, it is not going to last very long if you fail to overcome your co-dependant behavior with her. Girls want guys that don't need them in order to be happy, content, etc. and your approach to this situation is demostrating the opposite.

She's in a sorority now. Because of that, she felt as if she had to lie to me about hanging out/talking to guys. She'd be out late at night sometimes and would not pick up her phone or call me. Some nights she would go out with her friends, and then drop by to come see me at the very end of the night (1-2am). By that time, she's really tired and falls asleep within minutes. I start to get insecure because I don't get to spend much time with her, talk, or even get affection, sex was rare (max was once a week, minimum once every two). We were drifting apart and communication was bad, it seemed as if I was the only one trying to fix things. She could not make time for me if her friends wanted her to go out with them.

 

I do not see that objecting to this behaviour is 'co-dependency'. I think that is an inappropriate and inaccurate view of what is happening here.

 

And if she wants to live this sort of lifestyle that is fine. But if the OP finds it unacceptable in a girlfriend that is entirely reasonable.

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I do not see that objecting to this behaviour is 'co-dependency'. I think that is an inappropriate and inaccurate view of what is happening here.

 

And if she wants to live this sort of lifestyle that is fine. But if the OP finds it unacceptable in a girlfriend that is entirely reasonable.

 

I don't think his objection to her behavior demonstrates co-dependency. I think his resenting her for living her life, and wanting her to be unhappy because he is unhappy does display a degree of co-dependency, since he is not taking responsibility for his own happiness, and instead needs her to do something or be a certain way.

 

Didn't mean to make an inappropriate assessment if I did.

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I completely agree with you. I know how I must be when I enter a new relationship. Having the time of my life and going out to bars/partying was never really something I liked to do. That's not really my type of atmosphere. I don't know if I want to get back with my ex because of how she is. I can understand having friends and all, but when you have problems in a relationship, I don't think going out and having fun with your friends is the best way to solve the problem. When lack of communication, affection, time spent with each other is an issue, I believe those issues need to be addressed instead of putting it on hold to have fun with friends every single time. She already lied to me about issues related to other guys, she has done plenty to tarnish the trust and the relationship in general.

 

At this point, I just hate who she has become. Some days I want her back, some days I'm fine. Today, I hate her but I still want her back.

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I don't think his objection to her behavior demonstrates co-dependency. I think his resenting her for living her life, and wanting her to be unhappy because he is unhappy does display a degree of co-dependency, since he is not taking responsibility for his own happiness, and instead needs her to do something or be a certain way.

 

Didn't mean to make an inappropriate assessment if I did.

 

I completely agree with you. I've been unhappy with her even before we broke up because of this new lifestyle. I don't find happiness in going out all the time, meeting new people, and getting wasted. I'm not anti-social, let's just say I'm a homebody and I like simple things. Sad that I had to love someone who was the complete opposite.

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I think co-dependency is one of the most over-used and frequently mis-applied words along with depression, bi-polar, abuse and karma.

 

Fair enough. I am not a psychologist or specialist, and therefore I can't say that with any authority. In my defense, I feel that it was the best term to describe some of his behaviors. What term do you think would be more suitable?

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I completely understand, and it takes a while to get off the emotional rollercoaster. It's been 8 months since my break up and I still deal with that, often more than I'd like to admit. It does get easier though. I think a big key is forgiveness. You have to let go of the things that she has done that have hurt your feelings, or the ways she has not treated you the way you deserve. Letting it all go and forgiving her will go a long well toward helping you heal.

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I completely understand, and it takes a while to get off the emotional rollercoaster. It's been 8 months since my break up and I still deal with that, often more than I'd like to admit. It does get easier though. I think a big key is forgiveness. You have to let go of the things that she has done that have hurt your feelings, or the ways she has not treated you the way you deserve. Letting it all go and forgiving her will go a long well toward helping you heal.

 

In a way I did forgive her. When we had that talk on Sunday, I felt really good for the next few days. I told her I can go out, and be happy without her. It was something I needed to realize and by doing NC for almost 3 weeks, it really helped. I think it was just the call that she made Tuesday night that I missed and later returned but didn't pick up, plus the text I sent the next day saying I returned her call asking what was up that made me feel negative all over again. It was a good talk we had on Sunday, but when it comes down to it, it was all just talk. Doesn't mean she'll follow it up with action, it doesn't mean things will get better between us if we get back together automatically. I honestly just want to get over her because I don't think she has that relationship potential anymore, or maybe she just wasn't in love enough to make things work.

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i think u should end it.. just tell her you cant do this anymore..

 

if you dont do it she will..

 

this does two things:

 

1. shows her you have a backbone and wont stand up for her behavior

 

2. rejects her, which is something im sure she was NEVER expecting

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i think u should end it.. just tell her you cant do this anymore..

 

if you dont do it she will..

 

this does two things:

 

1. shows her you have a backbone and wont stand up for her behavior

 

2. rejects her, which is something im sure she was NEVER expecting

 

I see what you mean. I could just be feeling really emotional right now. I did tell her to let me know if she wants to get back together, and she should take time to think about it. I don't want her to get back with me if she doesn't change. If she has to go through some BS with other guys, so be it. There's nothing I can do about that. Besides I've told her "I can't do this anymore" so many times, I'm sure that it lost its meaning and it will just show how unstable I am emotionally with my decisions.

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I thought you were accepting it, and going into NC

 

It was mutual NC until she decides if she wanted to work things out and start a better relationship than what she had before.

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Honestly, if you read over your posts and were to give your friend advice based on what you wrote, what would you say to him/her?

 

It seems letting her go is the best way to go. She seems to be taking you for granted and the fact that you've left the decision up to her as to whether or not she wants to take you back, leads her to believe you're not going anywhere. And that's not fair to you.

 

It's okay that you two may be polar opposites, but she seems to be playing games and do you really have the time/energy to entertain that?

 

The initial break up is always difficult so just stay strong, keep writing here as much as you like to vent and keep NC.

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Honestly, if you read over your posts and were to give your friend advice based on what you wrote, what would you say to him/her?

 

It seems letting her go is the best way to go. She seems to be taking you for granted and the fact that you've left the decision up to her as to whether or not she wants to take you back, leads her to believe you're not going anywhere. And that's not fair to you.

 

It's okay that you two may be polar opposites, but she seems to be playing games and do you really have the time/energy to entertain that?

 

The initial break up is always difficult so just stay strong, keep writing here as much as you like to vent and keep NC.

 

Thank you. I know what I would say to myself, but unfortunately, I find it difficult to follow my own advice.

 

I will find out tomorrow supposedly.... Trying to prepare on how I should handle it.

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