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Please help. Any advice at all...


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How to Choose Between Two Guys
How to Choose Between Two Guys

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I can't handle this situation alone anymore. Please, if you have any advice, give it. I'm desperate.

 

So, I am trying to pick between these two guys. I ended up involved with both of them at the same time and it is killing me. I just can't choose! I'm worried that if I don't fix this situation soon, I'll end up losing both of them.

 

Guy 1:

-long-distance relationship for two-thirds of the year

-really nice and attractive

-not very quirky or creative

-relationship is nearly problem-free

-I care about him very much and he has told me that he loves me.

 

Guy 2:

-not long-distance

-a little less physically attractive

-very very creative

-we are so similar and sometimes I feel like he is the only one who can understand me

-has issues with displaying his emotions

-is a little hesitant to get into a fully committed relationship

-I am totally in love with him (and not because of the whole "girls love assholes" thing. I really do love him and I know he cares about me).

 

 

I am so lost. I hate this whole "living two lives" thing. If anyone gets a strong sense of what the best decision is, please tell me. I can supply more information if needed.

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I would like to clarify also...

 

This post makes it seem like these relationships aren't very developed, but this can is simply due to the lack of information. It has been a year now, and these are both very serious relationships. I am just so paranoid about them finding out about each other all the time that I didn't want to say too much.

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When you're having problems with two guys, the best thing to do is to decamp with a third...

 

In all seriousness, though, you are doing this for yourself, and you need to sort out what YOUR priorities are, not other people's expectations or what you imagine their judgments to be.

 

For me, the fact that the other person is creative, and understands me, ranks far, far higher than their physical appearance. In fact I've felt very attracted sometimes to guys who are positively plain - but the chemistry was right.

 

But that's me. You are you.

 

What are the things which are really important to you - regardless of whether you are in a relationship? Which of these guys is really most compatible (use your intuition here)? Which relationship will allow you to grow into all you are capable of being? Is one of them someone whose characteristics you would want to change (fatal)? Does one of them have characteristics which you yourself lack, and are looking to him to supply (again, fatal)?

 

Reading between the lines, it seems to me that although the second guy is more exciting, the first one seems like a better bet for a long-term relationship. Only you can decide what you want in this arena, but use your heart rather than your head - otherwise your decision really is doomed in the longer term.

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I know that i am the one who needs to make this decision, but it's has been a year now and I'm not getting anywhere. I'm not looking for someone to hand over the answer, I just want to hear different people's opinions on the matter. Maybe that will help me

 

Thanks nutbrownhare. I have a lot to think about.

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My opinion is that you're not being very fair to either guy if you're telling them each you're in a relationship with them. It seemed to me that you spoke more highly of the second guy plus he's closer, so that helps!

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You said you love the 2nd guy. Case closed.

 

bingo, have to agree....

 

plus guy#1 is a good guy...blah blah blah...no love mentioned...

 

beyond that both guys deserve that you pick one or the other, after all what if guy #2 was doing the same thing to you?

 

do the right thing....pick either is better than leading 2 guys on....

 

my 2 cents

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Do both those guys know that you are not committed to them..that you have another guy you are seeing? Are you sleeping with both of them? If they don't know what you are up to then perhaps if they knew neither of them would want you and you would not have to make a decision. You are not being fair to either of these two guys..and maybe that is why one of them doesn't want to commit to you..because he knows you are not into monogamy.

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Do both those guys know that you are not committed to them..that you have another guy you are seeing? Are you sleeping with both of them? If they don't know what you are up to then perhaps if they knew neither of them would want you and you would not have to make a decision. You are not being fair to either of these two guys..and maybe that is why one of them doesn't want to commit to you..because he knows you are not into monogamy.

 

You are cheating on both of them. I would suggest coming clean and see which one actually wants to stick around.

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I say don't go with either of them. The first one sounds like you think you SHOULD be with him, however seem to find him not as exciting as the second one. However, the second one only 'cares' about you, not 'loves' you, whereas you say youre in love with him. I wouldn't like that situation personally. In one case, he loves you, you only 'care' about him, not in love. In the other case you love him, he only 'cares' about you, not in love. Sooo...both relationships are not satisfactory. Go for a 3rd one.

offplanet

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As you know, you risk losing them whether or not you are honest.

I'm not just talking about whether or not you get caught-- I'm talking about the fact that if you aren't being honest, then you're not really in a relationship in any solid, healthy sense of the word. In that sense, you've already lost.

 

A real relationship requires honesty and respect, for yourself and for the other.

If you can't discuss things with them honestly, then you should not be with them, period.

 

As for what to do, you don't sound that invested in Guy 1; he's told you that he loves you, and you merely "care about him".

It's completely unfair of you to string him along when the chemistry isn't really there, and you're "totally in love with" someone else!

Definitely set this guy free immediately!

If you want this person in your life at all-- even as a friend-- then you should come clean.

In fact, even if you don't care whether or not you have him as a friend, a degree of honesty is in order, because otherwise he will probably have many sleepless nights wondering why you cut him out when, in his mind, you've been in a great relationship.

 

Understand that this person may want nothing to do with you when the truth is revealed.

(Oh, and when I say "a degree of honesty", I mean you can spare the guy the heartbreak of the gorier details. Just don't hide things for your own sake).

 

 

As for Guy 2, what Crazyaboutdogs has suggested is definitely a possibility-- there's a chance that he's holding back because his sixth sense has picked up on the fact that something isn't quite on the level.

 

It sounds like overall that you have more of a connection with Guy 2, and that the only reason you haven't just gone for him is because you want *someone*; you want a sure thing, as it were. Not cool. You have to give to get, and there's always a gamble involved.

 

Another thing that strikes me as odd is that is that while you say that you said that it isn't because of the 'whole "girls love assholes"' thing. Are you putting Guy 2 in the category of a-hole simply because he's hesitant to get more involved, or because there are other issues?

 

With Guy 2, then; same as with Guy 1; you need to come clean.

Talk with him about the fact that you have not been committed thus far, and make clear what it is that you would like to do next.

If you are sincerely interested in being with him, then let him know your feelings. If you are not ready to commit to him, then tell him that you'd like to date around.

 

Again, you need to understand that he may not want to be with you when he learns that you've been deceiving him.

You need to have enough respect to allow him to make that decision for himself.

 

Oh, and if Guy 2 is willing to continue, I would recommend taking things very slowly...

though frankly you're probably better off on your own for a good long while.

 

It is far better to have integrity and honesty than to manipulate a situation to meet immediate needs.

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Your situation is very unique and I know this may not be what you want to hear, this is not "forum advice" material. Only you truly know the in's and out's of your relationships with these two men. You know their characters and their true pro's and con's. I think you need to really sit down and think about which one of them you cannot be without and stay with him. I honestly believe that you can make this choice on your own. No helpful advice can be given by people who do not KNOW each man... we cannot choose A or B based on an outline. Go with your gut.

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