Rebound, GIGS and the whole NC concept

[notsosimpleme]

As far as NC is good for healing and moving on I believe it is NOT good for getting your ex back. Especially in the cases of rebounds and gigs I think breaking NC is a must if you actually planning to get your ex back. I agree you have to move on, you have to grow up an change but there is no way your ex is going to see how much you have chnaged if you are going to stay NC forever. Every advice on this forum tells you that you should stay NC, but hold on - thats not gonna increase your chances. Yes it is the best way to forget about your ex but not the best way to bring them back into your life. So I think after 3 months or so of NC one should try to establish communication channel. If not it is going to be too late and gigs or rebound will turn into a long term relationship. If you are not coming back into the picture there is no way your ex will just handle all of this and crawl back to you. You need to demonstrate that you have changed, healed, that you are new - and you can not do this while staying NC forever thinking they should contact you first.

What do you guys think?

[brokenheart311]

I agree with you. Are you or were you in a situation where your "strategy" worked for reconciliation or is it an experience of NC failing to bring an ex back?

[justletgo07]

I'm not sure that the behavior of the dumpee necessarily has much to do with your ex coming back. You can become the best, most impressive version of yourself and all your ex may do is smile and be happy for you. Sure, communication eventually has to take place in some form for reconciliation to happen, but I don't think it can be so planned out, and even then its likely nothing will change. NC is important for reconciliation, as it helps to heal wounds and lessen grudges and resentments. Successful reconciliations need to have that "new car smell" in a sense, and that can only happen after a significant period of NC or very very LC.

 

Also, in most cases 3 months is way too short a time period. Try 6-8 months, minimum. Most dumpees aren't ready to be around their ex after such a short time period, and it is unlikely that anything has changed. There is no time limit on these things...your window of opportunity won't close if you wait too long. Technically, the window is already closed, and too often dumpees return and spend their time hopelessly banging on the glass.

 

Just MHO.

[SighSob]

You're right. I'd stay NC until I really, I mean REALLY!, consider getting back with the ex just a "preference". I'm not there yet, and I think that when I will I won't even bother to contact her to show her what an awesome guy I am.

[Nikki88]

I don't know if I fully agree. I went no contact so I could heal and move on from my ex and it worked wonders....it also made my ex miss me a lot and he came back to me. I can't say for sure he wouldn't have come back if we were in contact, but I really don't think he would have. That being said I do think every situation is different and there really is no definitive answer as the the best way to get someone back.

[sunnyv]

hey all-

 

i used to think breaking nc after a few months was the answer as well. but from my experience and i just did this a few months ago, broke nc because i wanted to say hi, see if there was any possibility of anything again, show her how good i looked, etc. It didn't work. She is still caught up in her "me time" and wanting to see what else is out there. I have stayed nc since then.

 

here's my opinoin-its like the movie the notebook, the girl left him but then at the end of the movie she came back on her own, drove the car up the driveway, he was with another chick but he left that chick for the original girl. if the girl realizes she made a mistake and wants you back, she will come running to you wherever you are.

 

thats what i am thinking. i'm living my life, i may even move thousands of miles away, if she wants me she can come find me. its a shame we made an outstanding couple, worked on her house together, cut her lawn, did laundry, cleaned for her. and i end up alone while she wants to go out there and see what else is out there.

[90_hour_sleep]

I don't know if I fully agree. I went no contact so I could heal and move on from my ex and it worked wonders....it also made my ex miss me a lot and he came back to me. I can't say for sure he wouldn't have come back if we were in contact, but I really don't think he would have. That being said I do think every situation is different and there really is no definitive answer as the the best way to get someone back.

 

this is the ultimate truth. there is no tried and true method that will ever guarantee anything. most breakups result from deeply rooted personal problems. no conctact provides you with the opportunity to look within yourself. it's your opportunity if you choose to take it. i think when you've achieved some personal growth (maybe small, perhaps very substantial) you'll be in a position where you know what you need to do for yourself. there is not a single person who can tell you what will be right for you at that point.

[becca0194]

I am on the NC side of the fence. I broke NC many times here and it has caused me nothing but pain. My boyfriend ended our relationship. He no longer wanted me in his life. Those were his wishes. As hurtful as those wishes were, if I had a do over...I would have respected them. For a few reasons. 1) it would have made a very sad situation to me, less painful because of the pain it caused when I would reach out and just get hurt again. 2) these were his wishes...he knew I loved him and that I was hurting.If he wanted me back, he knew how to find me and didn't need me to remind him I exsisted. Of course they know. 3) if someone wants you out of their life, how can they truly know what that feels like if you won't go away. How can they ever miss you if they just need to sit there and wait for you to contact again?.... Just my thoughts.

[notsosimpleme]

If the ex is rebounding/ having gigs after some time of NC he/she might have a second thoughts about the breakup and about current relationship, ex might want to try again with you, think about you, miss you etc but this might be not enough to actually break NC on the ex side, if we slowly enter the picture not as a friends but very limited LC we could trigger some emotions and thoughts in our ex. We will not be able to rebuild attraction if we stay NC forever. We should try to reapet the process from the very beginning when they felt in love with us. What I am saying here is that proactive proper actions could do more good faster than just passive waiting.

just my 2 cents

[Elektro]

The major problem with NC are peoples reasons for doing it. Whilst everyones situations and mental states are different here, there is one thing that is 100% definite and that is that regardless of what your ex did, how you broke up, how long you were together etc, NC SHOULD BE FOR YOU AND YOUR RECOVERY! Its like if you had a big splinter in your finger, would you leave it in there and continue feeling the pain? No you would take it out and get rid of it to stop your pain.

 

I think at the early stages after a break up, anyone who says they are not initiating NC as a possible ploy to get their ex back is probably not telling the whole truth. This is natural! It gives people hope and inspires them to spend another day of NC and then another. This is positive... i am at that stage now, i know NC will be a good thing for me and helps me heal, but id be lying if i said i didnt hope i get a drunken call from my ex at 2am saying how she made mistakes and is sorry blah blah! But in the hope for this, i will continue NC... underneath my longing for a call, i think my subconscious is ticking away healing itself in a way that time can only inspire. Im not aware of it happening, i still miss the past, but behind the scenes my brain is at work as that magic thing called time passes. But its at work very slowly!

 

then hopefully, eventually, because of NC a new state of mind will emerge, it has to!!! Your body/brain will not let you feel like this forever! Its not physically possible! may take months or years. It may be triggered by meeting someone else, maybe it wont. But all that waiting for a call, waiting for your ex to realise what they lost, blah blah... just wont seem so important, it wont be so raw. It will just be something you felt once...

 

then and only then should you consider reconciliation, if you had a great time with your ex and it ended on reasonably good terms, when you get to this point that great time you had with your ex will just seem like a great time you had in your past rather than a painful reminder of loss! Does that make sense?! Then you may want to see about the potential of hanging out with them, out of curiosity and interest rather than neediness, jealousy and want. If you feel any of these feelings you are not ready to end NC and see what your ex is up to now, it will only end in further pain (more than likely)

 

you have to exit the "loss" state of mind first! Its not easy, its a long long road, that i myself have only taken two steps on. But i really hope my memories of my ex and the past are something i can explore again in the future with a smile on my face and a genuine hmmmm i wonder what she is up to now? rather than with a head in hands moment and that feeling of loss and sadness.

 

Thats all i have to say about that...

[lucasky]

There is no time limit on these things...your window of opportunity won't close if you wait too long. Technically, the window is already closed, and too often dumpees return and spend their time hopelessly banging on the glass.

 

Just MHO.

 

I loved that analogy

[longdist]

I agree with HNR and justletgo.

 

I have never heard of reconciliation occurring when the exes are in regular contact. Also, the ones that do get back together quickly often break apart again, almost as quickly. Why would things suddenly work, if things didn't change (takes much longer than a couple of months)? I'm beginning to think that cases of neglect even require substantial time away from an ex. Your ex won't believe the neglect is gone by your post-breakup actions. However, if you sincerely change and show up a year later as a changed/new person, it might be more believable. The concept of a "new" relationship does seem critical for good reconciliation IMO. When contact does happen, LC doesn't mean once a week, like many people seem to think on here. It is more like once a month at most, unless your ex is the one really putting forth the effort for contact.