Dealing with breakups.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Breakups have always been very hard for me. When I was in high school and college, my relationships were long-term. They were at least 1 year, and the longest one was almost 4 years. Lately, I've been dating people for 2-3 months, and that's typically when it ends. I'm going a breakup right now. It ended a few days ago.

 

When I was in high school and college and I went through a breakup, it was very hard to concentrate on my studies. In the classes that were harder and demanded more of my attention, my grades suffered. All I wanted to do is either be alone, lay in bed, or just talk with people that I could trust. This could go on for a month - maybe more.

 

I've gone through 3 breakups since I finished undergrad. It definitely affected by ability to concentrate at work, but wasn't as bad as when I was in school. I think it's because the relationships were shorter.

 

I've learned different ways to deal. Unfortunately, what I am finding is that my current set of friends is less understanding. It seems like some of them just don't care, don't want to listen, whatever. I used to think journaling helped, but sometimes I think maybe it's not a good idea, because I keep subjecting myself to the memories and feelings.

 

I'm thinking it might be better to just go out, do things, do anything to pull my attention away from the breakup and her.

 

I talked to my dad last night about the situation - big mistake. I didn't want to tell him, but he had asked me about her when we were on the phone, so I had to tell him it didn't work out. The first thing out of his mouth was that I screwed it up, why couldn't I keep her, why do I keep going from girl to girl.

 

That last comment really ticked me off. I'm not going from girl to girl. In my last few relationships - 1) cheated and left me 2) wasn't over her ex 3) recent one - emotional probs and not over her ex also.

 

The thing is I've explained to him how each one ended, so he knows all of this. Why he would even suggest I go from girl to girl I don't get. It's like he was saying I'm not good enough or I'm doing something wrong. He also said to me if you really care about someone, you stick it out with them, but I'm not going to stick it out with a girl who doesn't treat me well. I don't want to be in those situations anymore.

 

This turned out to be more of a ramble...

[messedup85]

uI think going out and getting your mind off of the break up is a great idea. It will get you out of bed and out there. Break ups are hard for everyone, you have to go through the process to truly get over them and move on. If your studies suffer from a break up I think you should just remind yourself that a break up is not worth it to lose out on your grades. Try taking study breaks and going out, it could help you clear your mind. When it comes to your friends, are they really good friends if they won't help you out?? Maybe try talking to a therapist to get your feelings out?? And your father, I say don't tell him about a girlfriend until it gets more serious with that person. If you tell him about every date or girl you see then he will presume the worse and he sounds like a negative person.

[atelis]

they are hard at the best of times. To me, the depth of despair after a breakup will be proportional to the fear you have. If you have serious abandonment fear, the breakup can seem almost like a death.......heavy grieving etc.

 

Do you feel that miserable even with women that you date but are not necessarily in love with?

 

do you feel you get attracted to a particular type of women......emotionally unstable etc?

[NewPhillyGuy]

they are hard at the best of times. To me, the depth of despair after a breakup will be proportional to the fear you have. If you have serious abandonment fear, the breakup can seem almost like a death.......heavy grieving etc.

 

Do you feel that miserable even with women that you date but are not necessarily in love with?

 

do you feel you get attracted to a particular type of women......emotionally unstable etc?

 

Exactly right...in most cases, the women were emotionally unstable. My problem is that I don't run when I see trouble. I keep thinking I can fix them or "win them over."

[Johnathan]

this is just the luck of the draw. some people go their whole lives going from relationship to relationship, some are bachelors/bachelorettes their whole lives, and some people (hot women mostly) find their spouse before they hit 20. You know, Ive come to realize that time and place and luck is all it comes down to, and there's very little that we actually have control over in the search for a partner. The only thing I can think of off the top of my head that we guys do have control over is how good we are in bed, because whether young heterosexual women like to admit it or not, that is a HUGE HUGE factor for them in deciding on whether or not they can see themselves spending the rest of their lives with a guy. I don't care what they tell you, the proof is in the pudding.

I mean, I don't know if you think you're some kind of failure for what you've dealt with, but your history sounds WAY WAY better and more eventful than mine. My history is pathetic and my current situation is even worse. You just happen to be hitting alot of 1-hit wonders because the timing and luck isn't quite right, either on your part or theirs. So many elements all have to come together for real love to happen to you. People in long term relationships always take for granted the fact that finding that special person is like hitting the jackpot. Its like poker, you do need skills but you also HAVE to get alittle lucky to be successful.

[atelis]

Exactly right...in most cases, the women were emotionally unstable. My problem is that I don't run when I see trouble. I keep thinking I can fix them or "win them over."

 

I do the same and it's a form of codependancy. It keeps us making poor choices and ignoring what would otherwise deal breakers for 'healthy' individuals. To keep giving or try to fix when the other person is clearly not psychologically in tune with themselves is like a dog chasing its tail. It becomes very destructive for us

[Carpe Diem]

I do the same and it's a form of codependancy. It keeps us making poor choices and ignoring what would otherwise deal breakers for 'healthy' individuals. To keep giving or try to fix when the other person is clearly not psychologically in tune with themselves is like a dog chasing its tail. It becomes very destructive for us

I do the same. The only solution is to accept a bit of short-term pain when you meet someone who isn't healthy, and break it off with them for your own good. Otherwise, as many of us have learned, you ignore the early warning signs at your own peril and can end up in a huge world of hurt a few years down the line.

 

For me, it's partly a confidence issue. I'm generally confident in myself, but I've never been confident with women. But one of the things that I think I excel in is getting people to open up to me and feel comfortable with me. I am working very hard to realize that this is a valuable skill to have, but it does NOT mean that I can then "fix" them. I've tried to build my confidence in other areas, so that I can use other strong points to attract healthy women without having to use empathy and play the rescuer role.

[ellandroader]

All of this is me to a canter too....the top paragraph is a lesson learnt hard, but essential. I am fortunate that I was able to leave when I could before things got a lot worse.

 

To the OP - just do your best to learn from every experience. Your Dad was out of line IMO, it isn't your fault that these things have happened. However if you don't learn from each one, you won't be able to prevent it again.

[NewPhillyGuy]

I had a weird experience last night. I was in a restaurant, and I saw some girls that looked like her. At first glance, I thought it was her.

 

I think I am handling this one better than past breakups. I have some down moments here and there. Last night was one of them.

[gee]

Hey philly,

 

I haven't seen you here in awhile and I'm sorry that you seem down at the moment. I think you shouldn't concentrate too much in getting involved w/ anyone and just be free from it all. Seriously, just enjoy yourself man. There is nothing wrong with being single. Look at me man I haven't had a gf in almost 2yrs since my break up (I have been dating, though). The best thing that has happened so far! Of course, I miss the affection of a lady once in awhile, but I know that will come in due time. Patience and faith, is what I say to myself everyday. So, keep your head up fella. It's not the end of the world.

 

BTW, I'm not sure if you posted about it but whatever happened to the girl you met last New Years? I might be behind but I'm curious to know.

 

Peace.

 

gee

[lady00]

I've noticed that some people just seem to be luckier than others. I keep having bad luck myself and I see people getting into relationships/marriages all around me. I used to think maybe they had dating skills I didn't have. Or that I expected too much. I've been told by people that I am attractive, have everything going for me, and will find someone eventually. Just doesn't seem to pan out in real life. I've gotten 3 different wedding invitations in recent months (all people my age) and so I feel like a fish out of water. Maybe I missed the memo lol.

 

Anyway, I feel your pain. I hope that we'll both have better luck in the future!