Racist boyfriend

[sadlisa]

Hi everyone,

 

I am a 22 year old recent college grad and I met my "boyfriend" (I use the term loosely) in my first year of university. I just want to warn everyone that this post contains some pretty terrible language and racial slurs only because they are an accurate depiction of what has been going on in my life for the past few years with my boyfriend.

 

My first impression of this guy wasn't a great one. I always thought he was a little odd; when I had him over at my house for the first time, he went on a rant about my "jap" television set out of the blue. I excused this indiscretion, thinking maybe it was just a nervous flub, but over time his racist outbursts became worse and worse. It's not unusual for him to use the "n-word" in daily conversation or on the internet; he believes immigrants will be the downfall of this country and he holds nearly facist world views.

 

You may be wondering why I have tolerated this behaviour for this amount of time. I am always one to give people the benefit of the doubt. I thought that he would change, I blamed his family (his father is even worse than he is for this kind of thing), I looked for any little excuse or justification for his racism. I was also terribly infatuated with him. He's a very handsome guy with a wicked sense of humour (besides the racist jokes) and I thought that maybe if I guided him along, he would get on the right side of the tracks and abandon his evil ways.

 

Three years down the road, nothing has changed. I really feel as if I am cheating myself by staying with this guy. I always said to myself, "I could never date a racist" and here I am in that very situation. The only thing holding me back is that I have spent what feels like so much time with him already; I feel like I'll be alone if we split.

 

Just needed to vent to someone. Thanks for listening and any input would be greatly appreciated.

 

- Lisa

[GoneCrazy]

Well i say talk to him and ask him to change his ways or else your gonna have to walk away. The longer you wait and go on the worst things will get.

[simply complicated]

So all he does is say racist jokes? or is it pure hatred, as in preaching neo nazi type of thing, because, I know alot of people who crack racist jokes and a far from racist, I do it all the time, and i've got a bunch of friends with different cultures, I'm from Toronto so you can imagine.

 

Does he have any mixed cultured friends? and have you spoken to him about this?

[jenny_mcs]

I always said to myself, "I could never date a racist" and here I am in that very situation. The only thing holding me back is that I have spent what feels like so much time with him already; I feel like I'll be alone if we split.

 

- Lisa

Well, if by "I will be alone if we split" you mean you will be single, yes you will. Do you really think being single is worse than being with a racist? Yuck, I can't even imagine dating a guy that makes racist remarks. Doesn't it make you feel gross to even be around him?

[jenny_mcs]

because, I know alot of people who crack racist jokes and a far from racist, I do it all the time, and i've got a bunch of friends with different cultures, I'm from Toronto so you can imagine.

 

 

Sorry to break it to you, but if you make racist remarks all the time, you are a racist. Even if you're from Toronto.

[Keyman]

I think after giving him the benefit of the doubt for three years, the reason you have come here is because it has become bad enough that you are seeking an out.

 

Likely, he believes you think the same way that he does. If you can't bare it anymore, then you need to walk away. It is not going to change, you know that. It's been going for three years, and if it comes from his father, it's not going to change in a hurry.

 

Yes, I detect a bit of fear on 'being alone' if you walked away and that is always there in break up. But you have to weigh up the difference, alone and unhappy, or racist boyfriend and unhappy. You met him, so will meet someone else, or perhaps even enjoy being alone for a while and getting on with your life.

 

It comes down to you making the move and doing what you think is best for you.

[simply complicated]

Sorry to break it to you, but if you make racist remarks all the time, you are a racist. Even if you're from Toronto.

 

 

Their harmless jokes, and I get it to and nobody cares, it's among Friends, racism is so stupid that we can make fun it.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I would end it - to me, I could never go out with a racist, it's just not something I could tolerate in a partner.

 

Although; have you spoken to him about this? What on earth do you do when he goes off on one? See, I would have to say something at that point, like "you are incredibly offensive and racist, do you know that?" etc

 

As for the poster who said that

So all he does is say racist jokes? or is it pure hatred, as in preaching neo nazi type of thing, because, I know alot of people who crack racist jokes and a far from racist, I do it all the time, and i've got a bunch of friends with different cultures, I'm from Toronto so you can imagine.

- erm, that means you're a racist. Cracking racist jokes? Ewwwwww. Seriously, if those aren't your views, you're being very foolish, and definitely disgusting a lot of people!

[simply complicated]

I would end it - to me, I could never go out with a racist, it's just not something I could tolerate in a partner.

 

Although; have you spoken to him about this? What on earth do you do when he goes off on one? See, I would have to say something at that point, like "you are incredibly offensive and racist, do you know that?" etc

 

As for the poster who said that - erm, that means you're a racist. Cracking racist jokes? Ewwwwww. Seriously, if those aren't your views, you're being very foolish, and definitely disgusting a lot of people!

 

 

HAHA, you have to be seriously uptight, their not racial slang terms, it's harmless jokes, amongst friends, who are black, chinese and so on, ok it's not all the time, but it's completely harmless and NO I'm not racist, people blow this topic outta proportion, you won't see me on a street corner with a shaved head and a nazi sign preaching. You just don't understand, probably becuase you live in a little suburban area, or under a rock if you don't know that ALOT of people crack jokes.

[PrincessJOA]

That's disgusting.

I have zero tolerance for racism. Yet alone being with one. However, I like to believe that people can change for the better. I think you should educate him about a thing or two and do your best to make him see that there's no need for hate.

He's only limiting himself if he hold prejudiced thoughts and perceptions about other races.

If I was in your position, it's easier for me to walk out of this 'relationship'. In fact, truth to be said, there's a high chance that I would probably be his enemy too and make his and his family's life hell by tormenting them and their properties (I'm sorry). But on second thought, I might stick around and try to mend his flaws....

[simply complicated]

Sorry to break it to you, but if you make racist remarks all the time, you are a racist. Even if you're from Toronto.

 

 

Ya I must be a racist, even though my last girlfriend is guyanese, and the one before her is from the philippines.

 

Oh and lets not forget about the millions of people who watched Russell Peters Outsourced and laughed their a$$es off, they must all be racists to.

 

You and Honey Pumpkin need to give your heads a shake, it might clear up that tunnel vision.

[Day_Walker]

You cannot let the fear of not finding another person guide your decision not to leave a person. The fact that you have spent 3 years with this guy isnt a reason to spend the rest of your life with a guy that you feel isnt up to your standards because of his views. Once you realize that if you are alone for a while then that necessarily isnt a bad thing, because you can learn how to be independent and be secure with yourself rather than needing to attach yourself to a person.

 

I think you need to spend some time alone and realize somethings about yourself before you date again. As for the next guy you date I think that you need to learn that you cannot change a guy he is the person that he is and do not expect him to change.

[Shiba]

Ya I must be a racist, even though my last girlfriend is guyanese, and the one before her is from the philippines.

 

Oh and lets not forget about the millions of people who watched Russell Peters Outsourced and laughed their a$$es off, they must all be racists to.

 

You and Honey Pumpkin need to give your heads a shake, it might clear up that tunnel vision.

 

 

Simply complicated I agree with you that it is possible to make racist jokes and not be a racist. However it depends on the spirit and context of it, if that makes sense. Amongst friends who just enjoy taking the piss out of each other (as I do with mine and they do with me) it is fine, there's no harm.

 

However in terms of the OP and her boyfriend, he seems to be purposely insulting and actually racist, and that shouldn't be tolerated.

[Creative]

Racism was a serious term 50 years ago. Now everyone's applying this term loosely on others when the counterpart aren't being all that serious about it.

 

I for one, feel the society is overly sensitive over a term that was once a serious issue. Of course, now it is not so much.

 

Only type of racism that we may need to pay attention to is the perception of black people feeling victimized by white. But I mean the US president is black now so the issue will gradually resolve itself.

 

I highly doubt anyone hate another race solely based on the color of their skin. Least not anymore.

[simply complicated]

Racism was a serious term 50 years ago. Now everyone's applying this term on others loosely when the counterpart aren't being all that serious about it.

 

 

My point exactly, people need to join the 21st century, Americans have a black president, what more can you ask for. This is related to those who accused me of being racist.

 

Simply complicated I agree with you that it is possible to make racist jokes and not be a racist. However it depends on the spirit and context of it, if that makes sense. Amongst friends who just enjoy taking the piss out of each other (as I do with mine and they do with me) it is fine, there's no harm.

 

However in terms of the OP and her boyfriend, he seems to be purposely insulting and actually racist, and that shouldn't be tolerated.

 

Again, my point exactly, and I was trying to get a little more info from the OP about the true nature of her BF's actions, but some posters had to jump to conclusions and divert the attention.

I completely agree that if someone is gonna hate another for the sake of hating, regardless of skin colour, then they need to go.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Whether or not he is truly racist still doesn't change the fact that his comments are inappropriate and classless and can be an embarrassment to the partner if he spouts off these racial digs in public. When someone has to constantly make racial digs and call people by derogatory insulting names it really does say something about how they feel. If the OP is fed up and disgusted and has tried every which way to "educate" the partner to no avail then this could indeed be a deal breaker because his bad comments towards other races can reflect badly on her. Staying with someone you are unhappy with just to avoid being alone is not ideal. It is far better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you unhappy or ashamed.

[afrodite79]

I think it's just time for you to break up. You clearly don't agree with his views and he isn't going to change.

 

I had a BF who loved to tell racist sexist jokes all the time. After a while I said something to him about it and he was totally unsympathetic. We were in an interracial relationship. I'm black and he was white and venezuelan. He would even talk crap about venezuelan people and seemed ashamed of his heritage. Once he said that Mexicans were less than human and trash. When he'd say racist/insensitive things about black people and I'd say something about it he'd tell me I was overreacting. The truth is that that mess wears you down after a while. I'm like you and kept giving him the benefit of the doubt and since it seemed like i was the only one bothered by it I started to think I really was to sensitive. The truth is that he was racist and I had a right to feel the way i did. I left him after 6 months.

[Mutley]

This guy sounds like he'd be great at parties!!!

 

JOKE

 

I'd kick him to the curb. Let him hang out with other like minded peoplel.

[drewciouS281]

is his dad a member of the KKK? that is jacked. I would give him the ultimatum because this is not right. his dad obviously raised him this way so just imagin if you two had kids. would you want your kids to turn out the same way? i would take care of this asap!

[afrodite79]

My point exactly, people need to join the 21st century, Americans have a black president, what more can you ask for. This is related to those who accused me of being racist.

 

 

 

Again, my point exactly, and I was trying to get a little more info from the OP about the true nature of her BF's actions, but some posters had to jump to conclusions and divert the attention.

I completely agree that if someone is gonna hate another for the sake of hating, regardless of skin colour, then they need to go.

 

Actually racism isn't just overt hatred. It can be very subtle at times For example people are surprised that as a black woman that I graduated college and speak well. Just because America has a black (biracial) president doesn't mean racism is over. If you and your friends like telling racist jokes go ahead. Just don't expect everyone to be cool with it and respect that fact.

[sadlisa]

That sounds pretty familiar. And yeah, it has worn me down... I'm just sick of it. Thanks for your advice!

[Mutley]

Actually racism isn't just overt hatred. It can be very subtle at times For example people are surprised that as a black woman that I graduated college and speak well. Just because America has a black (biracial) president doesn't mean racism is over. If you and your friends like telling racist jokes go ahead. Just don't expect everyone to be cool with it and respect that fact.

 

Yea, if one is racist, fine. But I don't want to hear it. Like I said, find like minded people to spew that crap.

 

I was at the barber and the guy in the chair next to me referred to the (at the time) soon-to-be president as the n-word. I was not pleased.

 

I complained to the shop owner. I don't want to hear that crap when I go in there.

[sadlisa]

I have a suggestion for you Sadlisa...

 

Try sitting down with him and watching "American History X" - if all else has failed, maybe that'll get him thinking...

 

Hope you are feeling okay - post back and let us know how you are feeling...

 

That's actually one of his favourite movies... for all the wrong reasons I think

[sadlisa]

HAHA, you have to be seriously uptight, their not racial slang terms, it's harmless jokes, amongst friends, who are black, chinese and so on, ok it's not all the time, but it's completely harmless and NO I'm not racist, people blow this topic outta proportion, you won't see me on a street corner with a shaved head and a nazi sign preaching. You just don't understand, probably becuase you live in a little suburban area, or under a rock if you don't know that ALOT of people crack jokes.

 

My boyfriend "just cracks jokes" as well, but it's ugly and embarassing. No matter how you justify it, it makes people think you're trash

[sadlisa]

You hit it bang on. But he knows I don't think the same way he does. I am very vocal about my views (we are complete opposites politically and he knows I'm a flaming liberal, haha). I think he just doesn't care about my feelings.

 

Thanks for the encouragement... you guyes have been really helpful