Any ADHD Men Out There? HELP!

[gromalamaz]

I'm curious, because that's why I'm here. After a year of living together, I 'found out' who he truly was -- I became an atypical co-dependent partner. We split, I went to therapy, got on meds -- my life is great (except he's not in it). He contacted me after 8 months, wanted to reconcile. That's great! Wrong -- after a stressful week for him (after telling me that I am the only person he can 'really talk to and understands him') he freaks himself out and says he can't give me the commitment that I want. Commitment? I thought we were just dating now...! Long story short, he has never been in a position to be the 'bad guy' in a relationship and he doesn't know if he can earn back my trust. What? He's undiagnosed, but he had agreed, when we first met up, to go to counseling, etc. -- now, after a stressful week, he's willing to throw me away again. He is the most amazing man I've ever met -- any thoughts, advice, comments from other ADHD men are appreciated.... I've respected his space and sent him a letter being honest with my feelings to alleviate his own feelings of pressure...but what else can I do? I know he loves me...

[Decaf08]

quick question, how do you know he's got adhd?

[gromalamaz]

He's got all of the signs -- a textbook case - especially when he's under stress. When we first started dating, he was finishing grad school, a lot of stress with that, and he FORGOT his friend's wedding! I was out of town for business, and it was a mad dash to make arrangements. When he got to where I was, had completely forgotten all of his clothes, etc. and we had to buy a suit, everything, on the fly (hours before the wedding). That's just one example, but I lived with him so I saw his day-to-day struggles. He would often make a pot of coffee at 9pm to 'relax' -- stimulants (caffeine, alcohol) calm his mind down...

[gromalamaz]

I suppose I was looking for the perspective from someone with ADHD to help me understand more of what is going on in my ex's head. Maybe there are some partners of adults with ADHD that could guide me or give me some advice to help reassure him (or atleast understand why he was so hot/cold within a week of asking me to reconcile)? Your feedback is appreciated!

[Decaf08]

I'm not a pyschiatrist nor a clinical psychologist, but I can answer your question from my own personal perspective. I have been diagnosed with ADD. The H in ADHD is for patients who have the hyperactivity, many adults tend to lose the hyperactivity as they get older.

 

Has he undergone counselling for his possible ADD? and has he sought professional help to diagnose any possibility that he may have ADD?

 

Well, here's the thing though, it's quite common for people undergoing a lot of stress to show ADD like behaviour, it can be a coping mechanism.

 

Having ADD is a blessing and a curse, that both happen to occur at the same time. With daily activities, it would take much longer to complete a simple task just due to inattention, or an overload of executive/cognitive thoughts. But it's also from ADD that allows many people to think outside the box, handle multiple projects, and do many things that may be considered improbable for most people.

 

As for relationships, ADD tends to get in the way of romance, a major complaint from a couple of exes include the fact that I "neglect" them, or "unaffectionate" or "too busy" for a relationship and them. All of which are untrue, I loved them all, and cared for them, unfortunately it's hard to notice these things when paying attention in general has been compromised.

 

Trust me, I'm trying my darndest to come up with the right words and grammar without going through a hurricane of thoughts and ideas.

[gromalamaz]

Thank you for your response, Decaf. No, he has not yet gone to the doctor for testing or sought counseling. Part of my agreeing to reconcile with him was him agreeing to try a couple of couples counseling sessions to help work on our communication. We spoke on the phone a couple of times after meeting up, and him asking to reconcile, and I, of course, started asking him if he had scheduled an appointment with a doctor and probed his thoughts on couples counseling again. Big mistake. When we met up on Friday, I could see he was stressed -- he had had a stressful week at work, capped with a situation at the end of the day on Friday. He had had no downtime in-between before driving out to meet up with me. I could visably see his discomfort (he's not really touchy feely when he's going through stress, but is normally SUPER affectionate).

 

Don't get me wrong -- a big part of my attraction for him as a person is due to his ADHD -- he's creative, fun-loving, spontaneous and a dreamer. As for time management and forgetting little things -- that's not a big deal. I typically know to expect him 30-40 minutes after the times he's given me.

 

The only thing I have trouble with is him pushing me away or putting up a wall. Since breaking up, I've realized that a lot of our problems while in the relationship were due to a lack of patience and understanding on my part (I'm a bit of a type A personality and a perfectionist) and a breakdown in our communication -- he really struggles with it. I try not to take his black and white thinking and actions personally, but it's difficult because if I try to talk through things, he becomes defensive and his instinct is flight. I know that he loves me, and I him, which is why I remained calm when he said he was overwhelmed last week, that things were going too fast too early (a lot of that was brought up by him -- he was impulsive and talked about doing a bunch of activities in his excitement to reconnect). He also has a lot of negative self-talk going on -- in discussing things over the phone, he now thinks that everyone sees him as the bad guy and that he doesn't know if he can ever come back from that. (no one does - my family loves him, but this is what he is telling himself)

 

So, I wrote him a letter in bullet points last week so that he could take his time to process the things that I had to say on his own time (without the stress of having the conversation in person). I basically tried to reassure him that he is not seen as a 'bad guy', that I had trust in him and that I believed in an 'us'. I left him with love. I know that I can not schedule his doctor's appointment for him, I can only hope that he will go himself -- he's been talking about it since October! That's part of the reason why he said he was approaching me to reconcile a couple of weeks ago -- he didn't want to say he would do things and not be able to back it up with actions. He said that he was now ready to do those things. I don't know...I'm sorry for the long post -- I'm just a bit frustrated that he went 'cold' again...

[gromalamaz]

I'm sorry for being selfish, but I really wanted to 'bump' this post again -- moreso to try to get any feedback from people with Adult ADHD that have struggled in their relationships. I'm trying SO hard to understand what it is like -- mostly, the constant negative self-talk that plays in one's mind. I have several girlfriends (who were diagnosed as adults with it) who have explained this to me, but it doesn't totally help me understand what my ex boyfriend, as a man, might be experiencing. Please do respond with any insight that you might be able to provide - I'm confused and really want to understand...

[journeynow]

I appreciate your starting this thread, and hope you get more response. I suspect (and so does he) that my husband has ADD. Never diagnosed but classic symptoms, and he has no desire to be treated for it. He has said to me that he just thinks differently, often says he's different from other people, especially this came up as a reason (his) for his wanting to split up. It's confusing. He couldn't explain how he thinks differently. And 30 years together, I thought I understood him.

 

What Decaf08 says fits him But it's also from ADD that allows many people to think outside the box, handle multiple projects, and do many things that may be considered improbable for most people.

 

As for relationships, ADD tends to get in the way of romance, a major complaint from a couple of exes include the fact that I "neglect" them, or "unaffectionate" or "too busy" for a relationship and them.

[gromalamaz]

I appreciate your starting this thread, and hope you get more response. I suspect (and so does he) that my husband has ADD. Never diagnosed but classic symptoms, and he has no desire to be treated for it. He has said to me that he just thinks differently, often says he's different from other people, especially this came up as a reason (his) for his wanting to split up. It's confusing. He couldn't explain how he thinks differently. And 30 years together, I thought I understood him.

 

What Decaf08 says fits him

 

Hi journeynow, thanks for responding. I'm sorry to hear about your husband, but, in my small way, can understand this 'wall' or 'thought' that he's created. My ex is the same way -- when he gets something into his head (whether real or perceived) he becomes DEAD SET on focusing entirely on it (be it a project, an idea about a situation, a feeling about himself, etc.). So, if you don't mind me asking, how did you manage for 30 years with the relationship dynamics and what was his deciding factor? You can PM me if you would like, or chose not to respond - I respect that. I know that it must have been like a rollercoaster ride of great times mixed with frustrating ones (on your part). In the year that my ex and I lived together (I really noticed it then -- before that, I just thought he was forgetful and easily sidetracked), I saw it all. About 5 months after breaking up, we met up for a hike and he told me that he had wanted to marry me, but wondered how he could take care of me if he couldn't even take care of himself. I think this is where a great deal of his own apprehensions come from (with us reconciling), mixed with the inevitable low self-esteem. If only our AD(H)D partners could see themselves the way that we view them, rather than the negative or 'outsider-ish' way they see themselves...

 

I've read almost everything I can about Adult ADHD to gain some understanding. It has helped me gain a patience I've never had, but I am only one part of an equation. I don't see my ex as 'disabled', 'dumb', 'lazy', or 'broken' -- far from it -- I just wish that he could see that about himself too, and know that there are things he can do to help make his life and his mind more manageable. I don't think that 'drugs' are the easy answer, but I think getting a diagnosis and getting help in managing certain behaviors would be a godsend to him (I only say this because I have female friends who did not get diagnosed until well into their 30s and were able to realize a way of life they never knew that they could have).

 

The one thing I have come to understand through all of this, is the importance of a person with ADHD feeling that s/he is accepted for s/he is. When I began dating my ex, we had the 'status of the relationship' talk and told eachother that we loved eachother (a few months in). The biggest thing he told me, that he told the important people in his life about why he loved me, was that I accepted and loved him for who he was. When we've met up after breaking up, he has mentioned, on a couple of occasions, how big of a deal it was to him that I never tried to 'change' him. This is true, because when I think about it, his ADHD traits are a HUGE part of his personality and why I am attracted to him. He's charismatic, spontaeous, loves to be active and do active things, loves taking spur-of-the-moment trips, is extremely creative...I could go on!

 

I truly wish, however, he could get away from the negative thoughts in his head (he's afraid to hurt me again) and that we could begin to 'play' again like we used to...

[journeynow]

...So, if you don't mind me asking, how did you manage for 30 years with the relationship dynamics and what was his deciding factor? You can PM me if you would like, or chose not to respond - I respect that. I know that it must have been like a rollercoaster ride of great times mixed with frustrating ones (on your part)....

 

I'm pondering this...There is much creative chaos living with an ADD partner. It has been an adventure and a challenge, fun and frustrating, but overall I felt a love that supported me in the relationship. We balanced each other in many ways, and I learned to be more flexible and have a sense of humor. Yet is was hard to plan for ANYthing. I will PM you with more later.

 

While my husband has never sought diagnosis, my son did while in college, and received a diagnosis. His manifests in a different way, but medication helped him get through college, and I found our interactions went much smoother when he was on medication.

[gromalamaz]

I'm pondering this...There is much creative chaos living with an ADD partner. It has been an adventure and a challenge, fun and frustrating, but overall I felt a love that supported me in the relationship. We balanced each other in many ways, and I learned to be more flexible and have a sense of humor. Yet is was hard to plan for ANYthing. I will PM you with more later.

 

While my husband has never sought diagnosis, my son did while in college, and received a diagnosis. His manifests in a different way, but medication helped him get through college, and I found our interactions went much smoother when he was on medication.

 

The 'creative chaos' you mention hits home, as does the sense of balance your husband provided. Thank you for your response! After speaking with my ex's mom this week, and him, I am coming to the realization that he may NEVER seek help because he does not feel that he needs or wants to 'change' ("I'm happy with who I am and am comfortable in my skin"). That is apparently what I signify for him at this point in time -- someone who doesn't love him for who he is, rather, someone who wants him to change. I think that I believed that if I made positive changes in my life, that he would be inspired to do the same (and he mentioned it multiple times), however, doing it and saying you're going to do it are two very different things. I feel sick because I know that I have to let him go.

 

His mom talked to me about his childhood, etc., and how baffled they (his parents) were with our breakup because they saw us as a very compatible and loving couple (which we were). She also understood my frustrations with the lack of communication (aka "the wall") on his part. She said that they had spoken to him multiple times about this in regards to a loving relationship, but he just has trouble with it. She said that their biggest fear is that he will grow to be a lonely old man.

 

After talking with him this week, I realize that his issues go far beyond ADHD and associated traits with it -- he has some real 'work' to do to get beyond things from his childhood, and I'm not sure (nor is his mom) that he will ever go there -- at least, I know that he is not ready now. As his mom told me, I need to look out for me now. It's sad, because I can see him struggle, and often feel as though I know him more than anyone in his life, including himself at times. However, I can't do it for him, and the longer I continue to invest my emotions in this, the worse I feel and am affected by it (physically, I have been battling nausea all this week). I have to say, however, speaking with his mom provided a great sense of relief because I'm not the only one who has been affected by this and sees that he needs help. I feel bad too, because his parents watch him go from one relationship to the next, never 'learning the lessons', and they felt that I was the best match for him. They're both concerned and baffled, as am I...