How to deal

[mr me]

I guess this is different then my last post because im not in a bad place wanting to kill myself. Im just wondering how to live with being suicidal. It used to be different before because i could stop my thoughts from gettin this bad or making me feel this bad. It then got to where it was just recently to where i couldnt believe that i was really just stuck on killing myself. I say that because ive never attempted it but it didnt matter anymore. Im now trying to pick up the pieces.

 

I still feel alot like this isnt me anymore. Ive always had to deal with Dissociative Personality Disorder so ive never really been myself or could really know if i was myself or not. I just dont know how to deal with my life because ive always been by myself and for the most part have liked it that way. Its just after my break-up I couldnt do that anymore. I still see myself being a loner in some sense because im always outside or different then people. Ive tried to see if i meet other people who were like me but as long as im doing this bad i dont see myself meeting people that i can really relate to. Ive meet some people and i have seen things get somewhat better but its still been tough for me because im dealing with alot of moodswings. Also when your not sure when your going to be yourself because you switch of who you are because of your dissocation, it doesnt make it better. I basically am at a point now where i know im going to deal with whatever is going to happen I just dont know if I can or am going to like it. Ive been at the lowest point of my life for such a long time i just dont even know what its like to have a day of peace. Its basically been like my battle just to get to this point in my life. I still also am having trouble with seeing myself with reasons to keep on going. Ive had to basically get myself away from everything just to deal with it. Now i have to deal with everything that ive been trying to get myself away from.

 

Ive always had a problem with being ok with the way things are because i can always see how they could be better. Its just im not always going to be able to make everything better. Its also made things not seem good enough for me and im trying to work on that. Im starting to see how much pain has basically been the main thing in my life and i guess if things stay that way im going to have a really hard time. Its just if somehow things can be different then hopefully ill find that its not as hard as before. Its just hard because i have so many things to do that im basically am starting from nothing. Its also because i have so many personal things to deal with that having to deal with the way things are outside of that, things just get overwhelming alot. I also think that because ive felt like such a victim my whole life especially as of late that thinking like that isnt going to change anything. Thats kinda my problem is that everything is going to be so different now. I dont see any type of example of someone living thru the way things have been for me and turning it around. So i guess ive been used to the road less traveled but ive never knew it would get as bad as it has been. I just hope that things arent more of the same old craziness that ive had to deal with. I feel at least as long as its not then things wont be so bad.

[HellFrost666]

People do live through it and turn it around. We just usually don't hear a lot of stories from those people because once they get passed that time in their life they don't talk about it much.

 

I've had times in my life where I felt like you feel now. I wouldn't say I've turned it around either. But I got through it.

[mr me]

Thats something that kinda bothers me that people dont talk about it more. I can understand where they are coming from because of what it was like you dont want to keep reliving it. Its just i still think at least saying that your ok or that you made it thru is at least something to talk about. I think gettin thru it counts for something tho. Im kinda that way where until im really doing better I dont really feel like its what i want. I just am starting to see that as long as im not going back to how things were then in a way it is progress or at least something that im doing for myself.

 

All i can say is that ive looked for resources to help with suicide and its not alot i could take from it. Its more the affect on other people and people always come up with think about how itll affect the people your around. Its then even if you dont think it will matter it will. I can say when your doing this bad that your not really thinking about your actions in the sense of what will happen to others but at the same time if your doing this bad and you dont have anyone else to really talk to then maybe going what it will mean to other people isnt going to work. I would say anyone that talks about how they are feeling suicidal is wanting to live so i would really bring up how things might be the way they are now but doing things to want to live are really strong things to do when things get this bad. I just think alot of people think you should never think about being suicidal but i dont know too many people that are suicidal and really want to die. I think thats a very inhuman thing to do. Its basically like your mind wants to get as far as it can away from whats going on and dying is as far as you can even if its in a sick twisted way. Im trying to think if there would be anything you could say to someone so they wouldnt be suicidal but i cant think of much. All i can say is your suicidal and if your able to deal with it then thats a very big think to work yourself thru. Its just hard because its not always the easiest advice to follow yourself so i guess thats something hopefully i can work on.

[JoshD]

Suicide... usually those who talk about it alot are less likely to do it... sometimes it's a cry for help, attention (not in a bad whiney way) but a true need to reach out to someone... I live with it too almost everyday of my life. I know I WILL eventually hang myself... it's less messy than a gun or razor.. not time consuming like pills...) I have many reasons I feel this way. I was sexually taken advantage of as a kid of 14 but my Uncle. My dad was a Navy man... a drunk but workaholic too... he hit me and when he wasn't slapping me in the back of the head or my waking to him hammering on me I could spend most of the night hiding under my bed drawn back against the wall like an injured cat... My mom was always working... I don't think she knew most of this... but even so she didn't know how to nature me... boys were thought to become sissy's if you kissed them and held them ... (SICK!) As an adult I had been sexually approched by many of employers and gave in to keep my job... (70's) but all it did was make me feel soiled to the point of not being able to wash it from my pores...

 

I never had a dream to reach for in life... no goals... I wasn't taught how to live or how to act or react to others... it's as if I were dropped here by Aliens and everyone seems so different so much more violent... three six years ago I sucluded myself into a world of illness and dying when I chose to take care of a friend who had heart valve replacements, kidney failure, diabetes, high blood pressure and stroke... For three years I washed him, shopped for him took him to appointments, dyalasis and all my friends left my side. My lover left me for someone else and I was in a house which was going quickly into foreclosure in Drexel Hill, PA... I went up to 400 pounds BP 190/90 and even though I lost 165 pounds... my anxiety raises it... and I have no money to get a tummy tuck or an inner thigh job after the weight loss... so I live alone... more lonely than God has ever created... I have no sex life because I had a castration from CHRONIC PROSTATIS when I was seventeen the docs could not cure. So who am I? What am I? Where do I turn? I tried going to a female as Transgender anything to help me love someone again. And I don't have the money for that... so I sit here feeling so depressed and wishing for one person to help. Oprah don't have shows on people like me. NO transgender docs standing by to fix me like they do women who need breast enlargements and what not...

 

so though we are different. I want to die everyday and I know soon it will happen. How much pain and hurtness of being alone can my heart take. I am 52, not a freak but without money I sort of am... I won't ask for help cause I feel 'lost' 'unworthy' like my dad always said I was... how do I even find a friend... who'd understand? Suicide isn't something you can forget... it's always with some of us. Always.

[mr me]

I cant say much from my personal experience because your life is alot different then mine so i hope you dont take that in the wrong way. I think you need to take things and see if there is any good in them. I would say if there isnt you should try your best to focus on whats not bad because somethings are just so bad that its best to forget them. Alot easier said then then but with everything thats how it usually is. I would start by being self-less for your friend eventho im not sure if thats how you look at it because you took maybe way too much on. It might have been an escape for you to help someone else and that might be a career path for you. Its just you need to try to find something to focus on so you can see a way out. I used to imagine how my life would be like when things got better but i know it wont be that way anymore. I guess hopefully now that can let me decide for myself or be more open to see what my life could be like. I know suicide is alot of things all in one but even when i get this low i can find at least some of me wont let myself do it. I think you need to find whatever that is inside of yourself. I think you being able to talk about your life takes alot because for a long time i couldnt even go into what i was going thru. Thats something im trying to learn how to deal with is shame because when you go thru alot that people dont always understand or dont know how to deal with it. Its also a lonely feeling so you might not see that you have anyone to talk to. Im not online alot but if you want to talk you can talk to me or if you just want to rant then go ahead. Im a very good ranter myself. I think the only thing that i can really say is you need to really look at yourself and not only have it be one-sided. Things usually get better when you can see what you did that maybe wasnt so good for you. I can say as a kid you couldnt really do much but now as you have been doing what you can just see if you can try to see that maybe you might have done things wrong as well. I think hopefully that can help you see that people arent perfect and people do bad things. Its hard and idk how you do that but i dont really see how else to deal with it.