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She wants to get engaged


zippitt

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So after reading another thread I am a little releaved.

 

This link explains exactly how I feel.

link removed

 

My girlfriend is in school and we had a couple of layoffs and salary freezes this year. No raise for me and I would have got a good one too

 

I am the provider when it comes to the money and I don't even feel secure in that. Sometimes we are living paycheck to paycheck. We could certainly skimp on going out and doing anything fun at all but I fear she would feel I sucked at the relationship and as a provider.

 

She has taken it personally because I want her to finish school and start her career before we commit to eachother. She thinks I just see her as $$$.

 

For me it's all about security and I did express that to her, but shes always been senstive and it saying that she doesn't want to talk about it anymore or she will get upset and just want to move out. She already considered it last night during the argument.

 

I would love to show her the thread as it's a bit more articulate that what I expressed, but it's definitely exactly what I am feeling. I just feel it will make her even more upset.

 

I am really at a loss what to do, she sees people out all the time and just keeps saying how she wants to get engaged or have kids because that's where she feels she is supposed to be this point in her life. Shes 26 and im 33.

 

I can definitely see myself with her in a couple years after we are a little more financially stable. But I don't see the rush into get married within the next year. We have been together for almost 3 years.

 

I am thinking maybe I should have just have got engaged and just put the marriage date some years in the future.

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A couple of thoughts based on what you say here,

 

1. Money doesn't equal security. Do you want to spend your life with her? I understand wanting some stability, is your financial situation likely to change? Do you have a lot of debt, or potential to make more income? What would it take to make you feel secure?

 

2. Is she contributing financially at all? Marriage is a 50/50 arrangement, and she should be contributing. If she expects you to support her and she not have to work or provide financially I would also hesitate to marry her.

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Sorry, I meant financial security, not relationship security. Yes I do see spending the rest of my life with her, my financial situation isn't likely to change. Making more money where I am is going to be tough if not impossible.

 

Moving, having kids, buying a house together, paying for a marriage...I'm not comfortable with this until she starts working. I can't do it on my income alone.

 

She contributes monetarily by buying groceries about once every couple of months, otherwise I pay all the bills. Of course she contributes to the home in other ways.

 

Once she is done with school and doing what she wants, working with her degree I would feel secure.

 

If she was already in her career I would have no issue being engaged already. I don't care if she was only make half or double what I do, it's not the ammount, it's the support.

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We both have student loans, we agreed that as soon as we were both working we would pay those loans off before we bought a house or had a child. With both of us working we could have it all payed of within a couple of years.

 

We are talking about 600 a month on consilidated student loans, that alone would make all the difference.

 

I guess looking back at our previous conversations I should be confident that she will do as she says and find security in that.

 

But both of us are guilty saying things we never followed through on.

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I am the provider when it comes to the money and I don't even feel secure in that. Sometimes we are living paycheck to paycheck. We could certainly skimp on going out and doing anything fun at all but I fear she would feel I sucked at the relationship and as a provider.

 

She has taken it personally because I want her to finish school and start her career before we commit to eachother. She thinks I just see her as $$$.

If anything I think the situation is reversed.

 

Your posts seems to imply that she (and you ) sees you as the one who should be providing the bulk of the financial income both now and in the future and that she doesn't seem to want to have any responsibility in that way other than what she might contribute between school and having children.

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If anything I think the situation is reversed.

 

Your posts seems to imply that she (and you ) sees you as the one who should be providing the bulk of the financial income both now and in the future and that she doesn't seem to want to have any responsibility in that way other than what she might contribute between school and having children.

 

This was my concern too.

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