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I am completely lost and unsure...


natedowg86

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Hello, this is my very first post on this website and I am really glad I can express my feelings on here. My fiance and I have known each other for 2 years and we have been through a lot together (I am currently 22 and she is 21). Let me start off like this: We met through Myspace (at the time, I was 20 and she was 19), she messaged me first saying that we went to the same Jr. High together and I was interested because she looked familiar as well. After about a week of talking, we finally met and started dating a couple of days after we got to know each other (maybe it was too quick, but it felt so surreal). Couple months down the road, come to find out she was still married to a guy in New York she met. They broke up but were still married and they had no feelings for each other anymore, they were just legally married on paper. She didn't tell me this till after about 4-5 months of dating her (she kept it a secret). Her divorce was just finalized this month after almost 2 years of waiting. Also, about a year of waiting she told me she started the divorce process, when come to find out, she didn't till just a couple of months ago. Long story short, we broke up about 6 times due to lies she told me about her guy friends (i.e. she wasn't completely honest with me. No she didn't sleep with anyone, but sent pictures and had improper conversations with them while I was attending school 1 hour and 30 mins away). I also broke up with her a couple of times because I felt it was the "easy way out". We have both been through a lot when it comes to break ups together, and I think that has hurt our relationship. I went to school and lived at school in the dorms which was 1 hour and 30 mins away. Her and I met during the summer time 2007 so we spent every day together up until I went back to school for the Spring / Fall semesters so I could only come visit her on the weekends mainly. She was extremely insecure (still is) about me going to college because of the stories you hear from colleges. I have never cheated or flirted with anyone when I am in a relationship because I am a strong believer in love.

 

Things have progressed since then. Since our last break up which was from November 2007 to May 2008 (we only talked on the phone/text msgs at that time), I felt like a wreck and so did she. We did get together from time to time and were more "friends with benefits" through that span of time we weren't together. However, during that time as well she was a friend to a guy with special "benefits" I guess you could say, and everytime we broke up she either had a bf or a special guy friend that I would have to hear about from her. Her and I still communicated with each other during our break ups. We got back together in May 2008. We have been going strong for over a year, no break ups at all, but we continue to fight and argue and the jealousy/insecurities are still there. 90% of the time we go somewhere (for example, the movies, Seattle, out to eat, shopping, etc), she says I am looking around at other girls when I am not checking out anyone but her. I look at a general location to read a sign for example, and lets say there is a group of females standing next to this sign, she assumes I am checking them out. This hurts me everytime she yells at me about this issue.

 

We just had a baby girl this April and she is the most important being on this earth to me. My fiance and I were planning on getting married this month, but now she doesn't want to marry me for a while because we are having issues with my parents (another story). Also, at the hospital when our daughter was born we decided to give her my last name on her paperwork. Now, she wants to change our daughters last name to her last name because she "hates" my parents as she says and she doesn't want our daughter to have my last name due to my parents. Also, when we get married her last name possibly could stay how it is (this is what she has told me) or she will hyphen it with my last name (but I personally doubt it). When you get married, isn't it a blessing to have your last name changed to the person you love? Thats how I view it anyways. We always fight it seems like and ever since our daughter has been born, things have been going down hill. I ask, what should I do? Any advice would be helpful.

 

Honestly, I want whats best for our daughter, but at the same time I don't want to lose my fiance. I wonder what my life is going to be like in 3 years and if the arguing would ever stop, but I don't think it will be. I dream about what life would be like without her, and there are pros and cons to that dream. I just want whats best for our child because a child shouldn't grow up with their parents always arguing all the time, but a child also shouldn't grow up with only 1 parent around 24/7 and being only able to see her father on these certain dates. I will always be there for my daughter and I want everyone to be happy.

 

If you have any questions or comments, please share them with me as I need some help. I feel lost and unsure about everything and what actions to take. I have told myself the next argument we have, I am just going to say "it's over, I can't take this anymore. Our daughter is number one in my life and I'm going to focus on her well being". But at the same time I do and I don't want to lose her. I do want to spend the rest of my life with her but she herself said her jealous ways and insecurities will never go away because thats the type of person she is. Might I also mention, I can't even watch a rated "R" movie that has nudity or sex in it (like the American Pie series for example) because she thinks I look at them inappropriately? I had a stack of DVDs in my room before we moved in together of the American Pie series, The Girl Next Door, Jack@ss, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and other well known movies that were comedies and had nudity in them. You know what she did that day she saw them? She said she had to go and was upset, and said she didn't want to be with someone who likes movies with nudity in them. I explained to her that I like these movies because they are funny, not because there is nudity in them. She doesn't understand this because she is insecure. I do dream of what it would be like being single, and if I was I wouldn't date anyone for a really long time because I am in a complex situation. Being single would sure take a lot of stress and hurt away from me and my parents. My parents haven't seen our daughter for over a month and they live 10 mins away because my fiance doesn't want anything to do with my parents. I know my parents are hurt. I know there is another woman out there that I would get a long with a lot better, who likes all the same likes as I do, and who I don't fight with constantly all the time. I have been trying to work on things for this past year since we got back together. I stopped going to school (have 1 more year left to complete which I'm going to do online), I got rid of the movies that contained nudity, I try a lot harder to show her she means everything to me, but to her it just seems like its not enough. When we have our next argument, should I call off our whole relationship? I don't want this to become a child custody battle as I don't know how this works and it doesn't need to end that way if it does and if it does, I would want joint custody so we could both spend as much time as we can with our daughter...thanks for reading my story and sorry it was so long. I could go on and on but I'll stop here. I look forward to hearing back from everyone. Have a good day and a better weekend.

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I am going through the same thing...we met on Myspace as well and had a baby girl with his name, the reason I don't want to be with him is addiction, enabling parents and cheating behavior. I know what you are going through because I want the happy family too. Just think of it this way. You have to put up with lies, deceit, and betrayal in order to have her in your life. Through legal aid you can get visitation and I know it isn't fair to not get to see her every day (your child), but maybe you should talk to an attourney?

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I might not be a good one to advise you on whether to break up or not, but I don't think she should change the baby's name to her surname, because that is kind of pushing you out. After all, its not just your parents' name, it's your name! Were you to break up, and the baby stayed with her, it'd leave you on the outer a bit, the baby having her name.

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Thank you for the response, I really appreciate it. I have never researched/talked to an attorney before. How much does this cost? And should I do this on my own or should I let my fiance know? I have come to the point of where/if we argue one more time, I am packing my bags and leaving. We currently live together and have a lease till July 31 of this year (2 more months to go).

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I am glad I am not the only one alone out there who is experiencing this life of mine. How does visitation rights work? I am not sure how she is going to react, whether she tries for full custody or not. I have a great job and I am stable on my own financially. I was reading online about joint custody and the court will likely award her custody and I will have visitation rights (I guess thats what most courts do since she is the mother?) but does this mean I have to pay child support? Honestly, if I had it my way I would opt for us to be apart, live seperately, and evenly spend time with our daughter and lets our lives move on relationship wise. But I have a feeling she is going to try for the most complicated scenario (court, child support, etc) because she will get extremely offended. Its either "all" or "nothing" with her...

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Offplanet, I know. She wants to change our daughters last name from my last name to hers because she hates my parents. It upsets me to be honest because I am not my parents, I am me...not my mom or dad, but she still strives to change it.

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I email my fiance everyday at work, and this is what she just responsed. Do you see how much hurt I am going through? She is in her final week of maternity so she has been home for 6 weeks (she goes back to work next week).

 

This is what she emailed me:

"your e-mails are blunt and detached like you could care less what you say in them that's why i got upset/am upset.

when you're not here i work around her schedule with NO help and it's not fair. i know you work but seriously- she's your daughter too and i can't take her everytime you eat/shower/etc. i mean i can't even SHOWER without her now. i'm working around her, yesterday i got really hungry so while she was asleep i made a salad by the time i got back to the couch she had woken up and i couldn't eat and my mom wouldn't help so i had to wait a long time to eat, then here you get back and my moms telling me to watch her, feed you. i'm not your slave. i love you but you should experience as a parent what i do because i already go out of my way for you by having the livingroom couch as my bedroom. or trying to help you to bed while your drunk and then get pushed aside like nothing after being told some harsh things. it's just wearing thin on me that's why i went down there so early yesterday. it's just upsetting it feels i'm taken for granted. with you its felt like that for awhile with all the times you hurt me and me going out of my way to show my affection for you. Even if i know you're not alone i still try and show you that you aren't... i threw attitude at my mom yesterday because no, i don't want christeenes last name to be aupperle. i dislike your parents so much and for her to have their last name hurts because they hate me. (your mom anyways). i don't want to be apart of your family by having there last name means i would be.... i want to start a new family with you. Not be dragged into them. You saw my family in texas and they aren't filled w/ drama! that's why i want christeene to be an anders and that's why i want to remain one. i wish your family was different then i'd take your last name but they aren't. so if you're just going to be distant sharp and blunt in your e-mails then just dont bother- you think you feel alone?! but i know you wont care to help me like i tried to show you........have a good day at work i love you."

 

"Don't take my email wrong just understand where I'm coming from...I just want things to get better and I guess they are... I got pushed over the edge yesterday not to mention being really sad we get no time as a couple anymore..."

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I printed out a list of the different types of cutodies for our daughter, and I highlighted what I want "Joint legal and physical custody." I am planning on going home, giving this to her, and grabbing my stuff and just leaving to give her time alone...is this a good idea? I'm trying to find solutions for our issues and as sad as it sounds, this might be the best solution for our relationship sake...

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I am glad I am not the only one alone out there who is experiencing this life of mine. How does visitation rights work? I am not sure how she is going to react, whether she tries for full custody or not. I have a great job and I am stable on my own financially. I was reading online about joint custody and the court will likely award her custody and I will have visitation rights (I guess thats what most courts do since she is the mother?) but does this mean I have to pay child support? Honestly, if I had it my way I would opt for us to be apart, live seperately, and evenly spend time with our daughter and lets our lives move on relationship wise.

 

No, the court does not automatically award primary custody to the mother. If you want it, and if you are able and willing to support and care for your daughter you can file for joint custody and ask the court to award you 50/50 time with your daughter.

 

Also- about your gf's threats to change your daughter's name. It is not something that she can just decide to do. It sounds like she is acting like she can just walk in somewhere and change your daughter's name. It is not that simple to change a minor's last name. Your gf would have to present her case before a judge. Nothing is ever 100%, but I doubt "I don't like his family" would be an acceptable reason, especially because you are involved with your child.

 

As your child's father, you have just as many rights as your gf. Don't let her manipulate you into thinking that if you don't put up with her bad behavior, she will take your daughter away from you.

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jenny_mcs: Thanks for the response. We actually just went to a building yesterday to pick up her birth certificate and they said she will need to go to court and file for a name change so yes, she does have to go to court. Also, lets say we do split up and we file for joint custody. Does that mean I have to pay child support? When does someone pay for child support?

 

I feel like she is threatening to take our daughter away from me sometimes. There have been times where we have argued and she took our daughter out of my arms and went to a room and locked the door...

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We are talking about our daughters last name and my fiances last name when we get married and she just emailed this to me. A represents my last name:

 

"Shell stay A and ill go A if that's what it takes to keep you and not lose you."

 

Is this her attempt to try and make me feel guilty?

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Have you and she considered couples counselling or pre-marriage counselling? Why don't you start there before preparing to break up? It doesn't sound like either of you really want to be apart, especially with a baby. It just sounds like your circumstances have you on edge all the time.

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Also, lets say we do split up and we file for joint custody. Does that mean I have to pay child support? When does someone pay for child support?

 

 

Child support depends on a LOT of factors. It's not a black and white thing. It is determined by the time the child spends with each parent, and also income of both parents.

 

Is your gf going to return to work?

 

I feel like she is threatening to take our daughter away from me sometimes. There have been times where we have argued and she took our daughter out of my arms and went to a room and locked the door...
I'm sure that is very upsetting. I hate that is happens, but some people use children as pawns in fights. If you think you are headed for a split, make sure you stay calm. Don't give her ANY ammunition in case there is a custody battle.
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Chihuahua: I have suggested this, but she is for sure we don't need conseling because "its another person and they don't know what we feel together" as she says. To her, counselors are only people who want money. To her, things will always be worked out together and by communication in a relationship which she is right, but yes things have pushed me to the edge and have been ever since our daughter was born.

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jenny_mcs : If the court decides joint legal and physical custody and thats what my fiance and I decide as well, does that mean I have to pay child support or does the court basically decide if child support is needed or not? My fiance is returning back to work May 26th. She makes $2000 a month and I make $2200 a month after taxes.

 

I don't know how my fiance is going to react to all of this when and IF I present this to her, but I hope it ends up well. She has taken my daughter away from me a total of 3 times to another room and locked the door since she was born when we argue.

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this is what I think, if you are drinking you are in no condition to have a child, so you have to get that fixed first. second, if you want to help your daughter then help her but don't stick around if you aren't going to actively help her mom and be a part of the family. It sounds like you aren't active in the home? Am I right...not sure all the details would need to know more.

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jenny_mcs : If the court decides joint legal and physical custody and thats what my fiance and I decide as well, does that mean I have to pay child support or does the court basically decide if child support is needed or not? My fiance is returning back to work May 26th. She makes $2000 a month and I make $2200 a month after taxes.

 

 

It could still depend on other factors, but if you do have your child 50% of the time, and since your incomes are very close, there might be no child support awarded, or very minimal support awarded.

 

It does depend on many other things though- daycare costs, who is paying for her healthcare, if you or your gf are receiving any state aid, etc.

 

The reason that it is not black and white is that many couples who have joint custody, one parent still has the child more of the time.

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funsinglemommy: On the weekends its my fiances and I's alone time, so last weekend we let her mom watch our daughter and we did some drinking because my fiance got pregnant before she turned 21 and we celebrated just then since she couldn't drink back then. I do a lot at home when I get home around 330pm from work, I watch our child while my fiance sleeps till night when I go to bed in order to wake up in the morning for work. My fiance is saying that she is tired of watching our child while I'm at work because she can't do much on her own like shower and get time to herself.

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jenny_mcs: Our daughter is on my fiances medical plan and I have been giving her $100 a month for the past 5 months to help out with medical costs and birthing costs. We don't do daycare because my fiance doesn't believe in it, instead, her mom watches our daughter while we are out and will watch her when she goes back to work. We work the same hours (6am-3pm). We do not get any state aide. I can understand that even though joint custody is there, one parent will get more time then the other because thats life.

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The email my fiance just sent me, C is my daughter:

 

"I mean are u seriously thinking of leaving because of a name?!!???? That's messed up and C and me don't deserve to be flip flopped thinking her father and my fiance are going to leave cuz of stress pressure or anything like that."

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The email my fiance just sent me, C is my daughter:

 

"I mean are u seriously thinking of leaving because of a name?!!???? That's messed up and C and me don't deserve to be flip flopped thinking her father and my fiance are going to leave cuz of stress pressure or anything like that."

 

I would tell your fiance that you are NEVER leaving your daughter. Any disagreement that you have with your gf is strictly between her and you. You fully intend to raise your daughter and that you hope it can be with her, as a family, but should the worst happen, you will not be abandoning your daughter or only seeing her occasionally.

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The email my fiance just sent me (we have been living with her mom for a little bit to help with our daughter):

 

"ok if it's that hard for my mom to be selflessly helping ME with OUR daughter, and you're ok with your parents manipulation that seems to be working based on your attitude, go stay at our house and give yourself space from your daughter and myself, don't come see us, no e-mails or talking, think things through because this is your chance to figure out what the hell you want. I'm sick of the mind games and the emotional stress that you're putting me through, making me think you're going to leave, it either needs to stop and you need to be a father (and husband, if you're lucky at this point), or you need to go your separate way and we will work out times for you to visit Christeene, when I'm ready to look at you again. You need to once and for all, grow up and decide what you want. Go live alone, I will take care of our child as I have been all along, while you spend time away from us deciding what your priorities are and if you "love" us enough to stay. You're only proving every point I've made in the last month with this attitude, points about your parents, your loyalty (making me think you're going to leave), your ability to stand up for your family and be a father no matter what, and flat out your ability to stand up and take it like a man for those that you claim to love more than anything in this world. The person that I love more than anyone is our daughter and you. you should know by now just how much i love you- from everything we have been through together to getting engaged and having a baby. you should see that i want this without having to ask- and when i said i was unhappy it is because of your parents actions that are hurting us and me and my family with their words and actions. for when you have given into them. i'm working on my self image and i'm getting results thus i'm getting happier with myself and that issue will be resolved sooner or later. the living situation is temporary because of all the help my mom is giving us with watching christeene at night and when we go out on weekends together. christeene is my number one priority, I live for her and to be there for her as she grows up. Now you go decide for you! if you want to be there for us for the rest of your life"

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