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How do I make this decision?


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The decision being to break up or not. Im not a patient person, unfortunately, and its something I try to work on. But when I think about the fact that this is going to be our relationship for the next 3 or more years, I just want to give in.

 

Its only been a month and I must have considered breaking up with him at least twice a week. Each time I leave him it gets a little harder. At the moment I have it a lot easier than most people on here; I have seen him every weekend since he moved. We had plans to meet up this weekend, I was going to go to his and spend a whole week with him, it would have been amazing! This week has been better, it wasnt dragging, I wasnt waiting on his texts or questioning everything he said, trying to look for hidden meanings, and I felt that I had really made progress, and that perhaps it wouldnt be so bad after all.

 

But then today I found out I have run out of money and I cant afford the petrol to go see him. And its all come back and it feels about 100 x worse. Im angry with him for not having anything to say to comfort me and because he seems to be able to cope with everything so much better than me and because he is so good at hiding things Ive started questioning whether he really loves or misses me because he doesnt seem at all bothered by the distance.

 

Logic doesnt have any meaning when it comes to my emotions. I can tell myself over and over again that I am being silly, i will get to see him soon, he will be able to afford to come visit me at the weekends soon, I shouldnt be so overdramatic, its only a week! But I still feel awful. Its comparable to the way I felt when we broke up for a while, just in shorter bursts. And other people have it so much worse - case in point, his friend, who lives here in England but who's girlfriend lives in america. I mean, if they can cope, why cant I? I used to think I was a strong person, but I so am not I cant deal with the pain, I just want to be happy, I used to be so happy and now its like the suns gone in.

 

Someone stop me from doing something I will regret. I dont want to lose him but I cant deal with this! Please tell me, honestly, does it ever get better?

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You said he copes with it better than you, or, the situation doesn't seem to bother him like it bothers you. That means that the relationship means more to you than it does to him. Personally, I wouldn't like to be in that position. I think you can do better. It will always be a bit one sided, if thats the way he is. Better to break up and find someone who's level of interest is the same as yours.

offplanet

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Im not sure that his level of interest is less than mine. He is one of those people who hides theway they truly feel and puts on a front. I on the other hand wear my heart on my sleeve lol. We are like two extremes in that respect. I find it frustrating though when I am having such a hard time dealing with it and I cant see how it affects him.

 

Thanks for the advice

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daisies!

 

Well well. So good to see you.

 

Guys often hide their emotions because or ego and pride. It is stupid I know (now anyways) but it is what they do. Break up or not? I don't think that is the correct question. The distance has brought forth some feelings that were there all along don't you think?

Why do feel the need for him to empathize with your feelings so much?

Why do you feel the distance will rip your relationship apart?

What will breaking up accomplish?

These are for you and I don'texpect answers.

 

I would like to know how long he will be away though. Being so young is not easy for any relationship and a LDR seems to put so much pressure on everything that is said, or not said that arguments are all to common.

 

What is it that YOU want? If you can tell me then tell him. Help him understand. He is a guy you know.

 

Lost

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God, you think only seeing each other every weekend is bad? or every other weekend?

 

When I started my LDR with my partner. We had to wait 5-9 weeks until we could see each other. And we only got friday night, saturday and sunday until 11am. Then we went back to our lives. It wasn't until a year in to the relationship, that I could spend 2 weeks with him. Then it was another 6 months before I spent another full week with him.

 

Now 3 years later we're looking for a house, and I'm so happy with him.

 

If your thinking of throwing it in, with the joys of seeing him on weekends... I don't really see much hope for you both.

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God, you think only seeing each other every weekend is bad? or every other weekend?

 

When I started my LDR with my partner. We had to wait 5-9 weeks until we could see each other. And we only got friday night, saturday and sunday until 11am. Then we went back to our lives. It wasn't until a year in to the relationship, that I could spend 2 weeks with him. Then it was another 6 months before I spent another full week with him.

 

Now 3 years later we're looking for a house, and I'm so happy with him.

 

If your thinking of throwing it in, with the joys of seeing him on weekends... I don't really see much hope for you both.

 

This is not a competition about who has it worse...

 

PD, from your post, it sounds like you're depending too much on your bf for happiness. I could be wrong, but that's something to think about. Can you be happy without him around?

 

 

You said he copes with it better than you, or, the situation doesn't seem to bother him like it bothers you. That means that the relationship means more to you than it does to him.

 

I don't agree. Everyone has different needs in a relationship. Some people need physical closeness more than others.

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Hi Lost, thank you for your advice Ive calmed down a bit down and am looking at it in a more rational light. My problem with him hiding his feelings is that I end up wondering if he really wants me to call him, or really wants me to come down, or really wants to see me as much, not because he has given me any reason to think otherwise, but because I am frightened of becoming overbearing and clingy, and screwing up like last time lol. Your questions have made me think hard.

 

He has moved up there for the foreseeable future, having found a new job he really enjoys. I move to uni in september for 3 years, so I think that will dictate how long we are in this situation. You are so right when you say it puts pressure on everything that is said, I am constantly micro-analysing everything he says!! I try not to but I cant always stop myself

 

 

 

No, I know I have it lucky. I'm having trouble adjusing to seeing each other every other day to seeing each other less often. Also, whilst I have seen him every weekend so far, there is simply no way we can continue to afford to see each other that much in the future. And then when I go to uni, I will have a lot of my time taken up with everything that goes along with that, so visits will become few and far between.

 

 

 

Thanks for your post wolf it could be I grew to depend on him too much. Wierdly I went long times without seeing him when he lived closer due to college work that he had, and it didnt bother me any where near as much. I think because I always knew that if I ever really needed him he could be with me easily.

 

Major problem for me is that a lot of my old school friends have gone off to uni whereas I chose to take a year out. I have very few people around nearby that I can meet up with as a result; only 2 I can think of and one of them is unreliable as anything. So Im sort of left in limbo whilst I wait to go to uni, and I have far too much time to think

 

I also think because we have broken up in the past, it has marked me more than I realise. I think I am so worried about what he is feeling and thinking because I am frightened of making the same mistakes as I did before, and I dont want to be too clingy. But because he doesnt really talk to me about his feelings or let me see how it affects him Im left to wonder if I am making mistakes or worry over what he is really thinking, or if I am being too pushy.

 

I really wanted to be supportive of him in his new job. Now I think I just make him feel guilty because I am having such a hard time adjusting. What if he gets fed up with me being so sad and dragging him down? What if he meets a girl he has more fun with than me because I cant get myself out of this slump? What if he breaks up with me? I would rather end it with him thanhave him break up with me. Perhaps that is why breaking up with him jumps to my mind when I feel so low about it all?

 

Ugh, so many feelings I just cant sort through them all

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