1WayTicket2Norway Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 OK, this sorta relates to my previous thread, if you want some history: I started being friends with this girl at school. She is cool and turning out to be a really good friend The only problem is: i'm gay and she is infatuated with me. i really want to continue being her friend, but i think i might just be giving her false hope. i really don't want to hurt her, or lose her as a friend, so i want to come out to her. is this a good idea?? I have big trust issues right now, and i don't want to come out to just anyone and i'm not sure how she wil react. i know that she's cool with homosexuality, but the fact that she likes me complicates matters. Sometimes it gets hard to separate friendship from infatuation... im so confused!! my biggest concern is that she might tell everyone about me. So, what do you guys think? any advice would be great!! Link to comment
chiefoptimizer Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 You could have her swear to keep your secret before telling her...mention how this friendship is important for you, and lead her to say the same. it is a bit unfair to keep her in the dark though, this should be clear to you, because I would assume you have liked someone you couldn't have before, and you would have preferred to know before investing a lot of yourself in that person...I hope it goes ok Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 I agree with the poster above. You should be upfront to her as it is unfair to keep her in the dark, especially when you KNOW she may be interested in you as more than a friend. It seems you have this same problem fairly regularly, so I think it's probably a good idea to come out (sooner, rather than later), so as to avoid this kind of thing happening in the furture. After all, you can't hide forever, right? Unless of course, you WANT to. But if that's the case, then you shouldn't encourage her and instead, hang out with the guys in future so as to avoid giving false hope. Link to comment
1WayTicket2Norway Posted May 21, 2009 Author Share Posted May 21, 2009 ^I agree with the poster above. You should be upfront to her as it is unfair to keep her in the dark, especially when you KNOW she may be interested in you as more than a friend. It seems you have this same problem fairly regularly, so I think it's probably a good idea to come out (sooner, rather than later), so as to avoid this kind of thing happening in the furture. I know, i know... i should come out... its just that i really value my privacy, and i'd like to take it slow. Coming out is on the top of my list as soon as i finish high school. After all, you can't hide forever, right? Unless of course, you WANT to. But if that's the case, then you shouldn't encourage her and instead, hang out with the guys in future so as to avoid giving false hope. i have been doing exactly what you said (hanging with the guys) but the relationships i have with my guy friends are equally hard to maintain. i really need a good gal pal Link to comment
flyingdodo Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 If you aren't comfortable coming out to her then you don't need to. It's totally up to you. I don't think this is being unfair on her at all. Quite frankly I don't think it's any of her business who you are attracted to. All she needs to know is that it isn't her!! Obviously you wouldn't tell her that bluntly though! Link to comment
1WayTicket2Norway Posted May 21, 2009 Author Share Posted May 21, 2009 If you aren't comfortable coming out to her then you don't need to. It's totally up to you. I don't think this is being unfair on her at all. Quite frankly I don't think it's any of her business who you are attracted to. All she needs to know is that it isn't her!! Obviously you wouldn't tell her that bluntly though! Yes, im not attracted to her and my sexuality isn't any of her business, but i value her friendship. making it obvious that i don't like her will just hurt her feelings. its impossible for me not to be nice when she is around... that's the dilemma.. i care too much:sad: Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 The only reason why I said I thought it was unfair to her, was because I was trying to put myself in her shoes. Imagine having a crush on a guy, then getting friendly (and he's very friendly too), then eventually start falling for him, only then to be told that he's really not interested and also not into girls, etc. I was trying to see it from HER point of view as to how she would feel. That's the reason why I thought being upfront with her from the very beginning was a good idea. Link to comment
1WayTicket2Norway Posted May 21, 2009 Author Share Posted May 21, 2009 ^i totally understand... i hate being dishonest, but coming out is never an easy thing. but thanks for your post, it was really helpful i think i will tell her... i'll see how it goes Link to comment
offplanet Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 I don't think you should be pushed into coming 'out' before you're ready to. If you think its a risk the girl would tell someone, then don't tell her you're gay. Give her the message some other way that you're only interested in her as a friend. The same situation could come up with a girl and a straight guy, too, so I don't think thats enough reason for you to tell her you're gay if you don't want to. Actually, whatever reason you give her for not feeling the same way as she does will hurt her somewhat, so tell her whatever way you think, without putting yourself at risk. It could be a lot more hurtful to you than her, if she told others and they gave you a hard time. Link to comment
lukeb Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 Since you're still in high school, I wouldn't necessarily be too worried about coming out to her if you don't want to. What she feels for you is mostly likely not anything beyond what we call "puppy love". She can't really expect a serious "adult" relationship from a fellow high school student and I'm guessing she isn't. As long as the relationship is fun and not too heavy, in this instance it would be ok to leave things as they are. That my opinion anyways. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 I'm sorry, I missed the part about you still being in high school! (I thought you were older). In that case, I change my view to some extent and I agree fully with lukeb's post above! Link to comment
1WayTicket2Norway Posted August 13, 2009 Author Share Posted August 13, 2009 I know this thread has been inactive for a while, but i'm just too lazy to make a new one lol. So last night she texted me and pretty much told me she's in love with me. I couldn't stand lying to her any more so i told her i'm gay. now i'm regretting it. i thought everything would still be OK between us, but i guess its not. She showed up to school today all mopey and depressed. If anyone is out there reading this thread... what am i supposed to do???? Link to comment
waveseer Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 Nothing, she will likely adjust in a little while. You might be surprised how fast she will be able to handle it. Many women totally enjoy the company of a "safe" man. Don't worry, she'll come around. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 I had a strong feeling this would happen. I can't help but feel bad for her. There's nothing you can do now. It will sort itself out, one way or another. Link to comment
unabashed Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 Did you tell her in a text? If so, I'd give her a little space, but don't disappear. I'd try to talk to her a little more in the near future. As long as you continue to communicate and be a caring friend, I think she'll come around. If you feel she is someone you love, even as a friend, it might reassure her to know. She might feel like an idiot for telling you how she felt. While you've been struggling with the question of telling her about yourself, she's also been struggling with telling you how she feels. Link to comment
chiefoptimizer Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 I know this thread has been inactive for a while, but i'm just too lazy to make a new one lol. So last night she texted me and pretty much told me she's in love with me. I couldn't stand lying to her any more so i told her i'm gay. now i'm regretting it. i thought everything would still be OK between us, but i guess its not. She showed up to school today all mopey and depressed. If anyone is out there reading this thread... what am i supposed to do???? Her reaction is to be expected, but she will be fine - give her time and be there when she wants to talk. Link to comment
I_Speak_Jive Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 She just got her heart broken, so naturally she's feeling quite bad. When you get a chance, what you could do is take her out for coffee and explain to her that you care about her, and therefore did not want to lead her on. That you value her friendship. And that you are not ready for other people to know that you are gay. It is sad, but it happens to many (all?) of us. This is why I am a big fan of coming out the first chance you get -providing you are safe, of course. You know, with great looks comes great responsibility You need to manage your sexual orientation in a way that it doesn't get in the way of you and others being happy. But you learn that on your own terms. Link to comment
1WayTicket2Norway Posted August 15, 2009 Author Share Posted August 15, 2009 Thans for the advice guys! but im still wondering whether i made the right decision by telling her... Link to comment
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