mr.higgins Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 My ex gf, who broke up with me last month (april 4) just emailed me after we've been in no contact for about a month an a half. Last time i spoke to her, she had a new bf and she texted me telling me she ran away from home (that was last month). I simply responded with "what the hell are you thinking?" and she said ", nevermind". since then we havent spoken. She just sent me this email today: Subject: hope you didnt forget me yet lol! "hey. I duno if you still hate me or anything. But i just wanted to see how you were doing. How are things? and sorry about that time during vacation >__ reply please? Guys please help me, i dont know what to do or say.. What does this mean? Link to comment
HoldingHope Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 Well sounds like she is lonely and wants someone to talk to. I can't tell enough from the letter, though, to see her intentions. If you do reply, I would keep it brief and say little about you. How old is this girl you are talking of? Link to comment
mr.higgins Posted May 21, 2009 Author Share Posted May 21, 2009 I try not to say the age because i know you guys jump on young folks xD, but shes 16. We were in a long distance relationship for 8 months and friends for 9 months before dating. Link to comment
DN Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 I would just say "Thanks for the e-mail, I am doing fine". Link to comment
bronte Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 She's checking to see if you hate her. It also sounds like she's in a bad spot and missing the emotional support you used to give...that doesn't necessarily mean she's thinking about getting back together with you, though. I agree with the others that you should only send a brief reply. Link to comment
mr.higgins Posted May 21, 2009 Author Share Posted May 21, 2009 Haha yeah. It just makes me wonder. She has a new boyfriend now and according to some of her comments on facebook shes crazy about him, so why does she need me? Shes the one that told ME to move on and that im clingy and stuff. Doesnt make sense at all. So send a brief reply? Gosh im scared xD. Link to comment
mr.higgins Posted May 21, 2009 Author Share Posted May 21, 2009 By the way guys, just an update, my friend on facebook who has my ex as a friend told me my ex posted a note last week about how shes sad or something. Looks like something is obviously going wrong...but i dont like to jump to conclusions so soon. Link to comment
jahur Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 a text book, "oh ive done the wrong thing" alls gone wrong with previous fella, now she wants her comfy slippers again. honest opinion: dont fall for it you will get back together and it will all go * * * * up mate. hold your head high, and preserve some dignity, when it goes * * * * up again, she will no doubt go back to him, people of that nature tend to do this in relationships. take the spoilt for choice away from her, it will probably do her the biggest favour and it may dawn on her that you cant always get what you want! hope this helps mate! Link to comment
mr.higgins Posted May 22, 2009 Author Share Posted May 22, 2009 The trouble is i still love her a lot and would love to get back together with her, but im going to be patient with this. if we got back together so fast, i know it wouldnt take long to fall apart again. Im gonna email her back this weekend... Do you really think she has realized her mistake? Link to comment
servedcold Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 She has a new boyfriend now and according to some of her comments on facebook shes crazy about him, so why does she need me? This is a layup, looks like the standard fishing/attention grubbing ex email, either a spat or some other difficulties with the new BF. Did she leave you for this other guy? I wouldn't reply at all. And no, 1.5 months is not nearly enough time to realize you are truly gone, especially if she has been in the honeymoon period with this new guy and gushing on FB. Give it another 3 months at least. Link to comment
gromalamaz Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 She's A Headcase! Take time for yourself to heal. Link to comment
mr.higgins Posted May 22, 2009 Author Share Posted May 22, 2009 She talked to the guy the day after we broke up and started dating him the following week. i have a thread about it somewhere..its an obvious rebound. I cant just not respond! D: thatd be just plain rude.. Link to comment
jahur Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 She talked to the guy the day after we broke up and started dating him the following week. i have a thread about it somewhere..its an obvious rebound. I cant just not respond! D: thatd be just plain rude.. i can tell by your username you are a very polite person (mr higgins,magnum p.i) but your politeness is blinding your judgement! it sounds like your itching for an excuse to contact her. imho dont do it! dont be used as a disposable tissue, she will use and then discard!!! have more pride, i know love can really smart at times but you must remember, she is only looking for comfy slippers till something else comes along! but only you can learn from your mistakes, and i feel there will be more threads on this with you when it happens, we will be here but we wont say "we all told you so" i wish you luck, but she is very young and will not be looking for long term commitments, you should be out disgracing you family name! when i was 14 i met a girl and fell in love (well i thought it was) and soon realised it was not a long term thing! i was 14 for gods sakes, i was 14 going thru the puberty thang and got all stupid with it! oh how i hated my teens, i cringe when i think back!!!!! i hope this helps! Link to comment
servedcold Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 She talked to the guy the day after we broke up and started dating him the following week. This could of course be true, but in a vast majority of such cases, the other person was there before the breakup, and was a factor in it, though your ex will likely never ever admit this. NC is best, but you are gonna do what you are gonna do it sounds like. Link to comment
mr.higgins Posted May 23, 2009 Author Share Posted May 23, 2009 Trust me, i wont let her use me for an emotional pillow. If she continues to contact me ill continue to be vague. But im too nice of a person just to ignore her all together after shes asked me nicely to respond. I gotta respond to that, because i dont hate her at all.. but i wont let her use me like im some toy that she can take out for a second and put me away just like that. And besides, she has her own boyfriend to go to! He must be doing a crappy job at supporting her if she already misses me and needs me for that support again. Link to comment
servedcold Posted May 23, 2009 Share Posted May 23, 2009 He must be doing a crappy job at supporting her if she already misses me and needs me for that support again. Don't assume that, don't want to make you feel bad, but she could be developing feelings enough for him that she feels insecure and powerless, so turns back to a situation in which she feels more in control. Happens all the time, and is one big reason some women keep exes and other male friends on the backburner. Link to comment
mr.higgins Posted May 24, 2009 Author Share Posted May 24, 2009 Well she replied. i said "hey, thanks for the email. im fine" this is what she replied with: "that was totally the cold shoulder . sigh" Now what... Link to comment
servedcold Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 Oh man, listen, this is pretty easy, tons of advice on your very problem is here on ENA, will save you the searching. Exes very commonly send out little crumbs like this to try to get you back where they want you, which is still in their control BUT at arm's length. For you that means as PLAN B. She dropped a crumb, you ate it right up. Here she comes with another crumb, you are opening that mouth up wide getting ready to gobble gobble it up because it seems like progress. In fact, if you eat that tasty little crumb by responding to her, she will actually LOSE attraction and respect for you. Guaranteed 100%. There is no progress! Nothing has changed. The ONLY thing you really want to hear from an ex is "I made the biggest mistake of my life breaking up with you, is there any way I can make it up to you and start down the path to what we had?" or something that translates directly into that sentiment. That's IT. Everything else is just a crumb to keep you in the back of the freezer waiting for eons shivering back there with year old chili, a lean cuisine and some pizza rolls. Never ever ever be Plan B. Personally, I've never entertained the thought of going back to a woman who had the incredibly poor judgment to even consider choosing another man over me. Never. Have been very happy with the resulting peace of mind and self-respect. You will be also, may not seem like it now, but trust me on this, give it time. Keep NC with this one for three solid months, then, if she contacts with the right sentiment, and only then, consider responding. By that time, you will see things more clearly, and may have even realized she isn't worth the hassle. If she did it once, she will do it again, unless she knows for certain that you absolutely will not tolerate that kind of treatment. Link to comment
mr.higgins Posted May 24, 2009 Author Share Posted May 24, 2009 Well i think it was good that i replied, i didnt want her to think i hate her. because i dont. and i dont want to childishly ignore her. it didnt seem like the right path. but now i responded, and she replied and it seems like an angry kind of reply. but why? she asked me to reply and i did. now she's angry. what if her anger at my response turns into hate and she doesnt speak to me again? do you think thatll happen? gaaaah im so confused. Link to comment
servedcold Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 Well i think it was good that i replied, i didnt want her to think i hate her. because i dont. and i dont want to childishly ignore her. it didnt seem like the right path. but now i responded, and she replied and it seems like an angry kind of reply. but why? she asked me to reply and i did. now she's angry. what if her anger at my response turns into hate and she doesnt speak to me again? do you think thatll happen? gaaaah im so confused. C'mon man, she's playing you, and you are right where she wants you, i.e. thinking about her, wondering about her, worrying about her. Look, she broke up with you. Think of yourself, not her and her life. That's over. Your bright new life is just beginning, don't let her drag you back into the mire. Please consider the three months NC I suggested. You have replied enough to her, let her be and let yourself heal. Take the time to make some progress in your life. She's not going to hate you for not replying, in fact, if anything, if there is any shred of real attraction to you left in her, your nonchalance will just fan the embers in a good way, and at the very least leave her respecting you as a man. Read up on the No Contact posts here. Ones by ENA user majord come to mind especially. No Contact (NC) is not a way to get them back, but if there is a chance they will come back on their own, NC enhances that chance. But don't do NC to try to get her back, do it to move forward in your own life. No one told me these things, learned them by hard experience years ago at your age. You are lucky to have the resources and experience of this board to dig into. Do some of that, then make a plan to move forward, then execute that plan. It's the man's way to go. Link to comment
becca0194 Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 Well i think it was good that i replied, i didnt want her to think i hate her. because i dont. and i dont want to childishly ignore her. it didnt seem like the right path. but now i responded, and she replied and it seems like an angry kind of reply. but why? she asked me to reply and i did. now she's angry. what if her anger at my response turns into hate and she doesnt speak to me again? do you think thatll happen? gaaaah im so confused. Think about it...she dumped you and is with someone new and you are worried that she may hate YOU? Link to comment
becca0194 Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 Don't assume that, don't want to make you feel bad, but she could be developing feelings enough for him that she feels insecure and powerless, so turns back to a situation in which she feels more in control. Happens all the time, and is one big reason some women keep exes and other male friends on the backburner. Do you think men do this as well? Link to comment
servedcold Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 Do you think men do this as well? Sure men do it too, I've been tempted to do it in the past, but have abstained. You hit a snag and have a fight with the shiny new SO, feelings are raw, may even be a breakup forming. Really tempting to go back to an ex who you think still adores you and is wrapped around your finger for some consolation and ego stroking. You catch yourself going down that name list on your phone looking for some consolation from a member of the opposite sex, really easy to stop on an ex's name whom you have no real feelings for but just being selfish in the moment looking for some sympathy and maybe even arms you know will be open to you. Ironically, that consolation given by the backburnered ex may even help in patching up the new relationship. Selfish people will pinball back and forth between sources of sympathy without any thought to what kinds of mixed signals they may be sending. Link to comment
becca0194 Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 I guess I have to give my ex a little credit for not doing any of these things that would hurt me even more then the break up. Link to comment
DN Posted May 24, 2009 Share Posted May 24, 2009 The only cold shoulder that I see in this thread was the one she showed you when she dumped you. This girl is about as sensitive to other people's feelings as a patio stone. Link to comment
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