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Sex with ex, twice in last month


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Im not going to say Im a break up master...far from it.

 

But in the past 2 years I have learned SOO much about push-pull, hot-cold, moving on (I have dated like 10-12 girls since her, mostly flings some a bit deeper) and basically just not contacting her unless I am feeling really good about myself and stable (read, healed).

 

So far so good....the times in the past after we did long stints of NC and things were fresh and new (including me, my looks, and my attitude) it was almost surprisingly easy to get her turned on, attracted, and to sleep with me again.

 

These are all good things, as she would say:

 

1.) I cant believe how attractive you have become, its the guy I fell in love with

2.) I don´t want to lose us, everything we had...I wont let it be over, even if youre dating new people.

3) This just feels "right" as if we had never broken up, etc etc.

 

So far so good...no biggie- I know how to be a confident and attractive man, who has his life together.

 

Whats the best policy with an ex where there is a lot of history and obvious feelings on both sides, but there can still be that ole push/pull dynamic. After we sleep together, should I just keep doing my thing and not contact her?

 

(Background, I basically initiated the break up as I wanted to date other girls...then regretted my decision and made every break up mistake known to man...begging, getting angry, threatening, etc.... before I found this site and other awesome methods to heal)

 

The dynamic now has been:

 

My life goes well...she gets back in touch or I email her (pretty balanced) she gets extremely attracted to me again...and basically throws herself at me...I am in control....we have passionate sex and time together. I DO NOT bring up the relationship, I am just cool and fun loving and have other stuff going on. However, I usually make the mistake of calling her the next day or so trying to set up a date or get together. Obviously, this has not worked for me and pushes her away again-.-. is it a big push, or is it just a minor set back?

 

Curious to hear the input from you great peeps.

 

best

 

mike

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Awesome... you dumped her because you wanted to sleep around, and now you're able to keep having occasional sex with her, making her want you more/again, and you maintain the power to string her along, no commitments, while sleeping with other women, and invest nothing in anyone but yourself.

 

Congradulations to your ego.

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Thats not the case at all-

 

Im dating other people to not get crushed again.... in all honesty it was the best relationship Ive ever had.

 

Thanks for attacking me after I opened up here with honesty and wanted to know the feedback of anyone else who has been in this situation.

 

Keep in mind, when I called after sex to see her, she did NOT make me a 100% priority...i.e. hot vs. luke warm.....get it?

 

Does anyone else here actually feel like being helpful, instead of lashing out at me?

 

thanks

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Perhaps she's also reading these forums (or something like it) and getting advice on how *not* to make you 100% priority.

 

The question I have for you is...do you want her back? If so, you're the one who broke it off, you're the one who has to show the commitment now. Not her.

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Perhaps I'm misunderstanding the dynamics of your situation, and if so, I appologize. If you're not being a jerk, then it means she's got a hefty dose of game-playing crazies and you are being naive/irrational (to play along).

 

What do you WANT? If you actually WANT to get back together, and all your antics are the means to that end, and you are saying that you feel its actually WORKING, then she is plenty crazy. If you can only get back together with complex games instead of direct communication and understanding, I don't think you should get back together at all.

 

What does she want? Do you even know? Does she know?

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I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!! Do you want to get back together with her??? YOU broke up with HER. If you want to be with her, then tell you're an idiot for breaking up with her and be with her. If this is just going to be some huge, ridiculous game, then save you both some trouble and move on completely and stop dragging this out. You're adults.

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I think you need to be up front and honest about what your intentions are. The things she is saying sound like she is assuming that this is a reconciliation of some sort. I'm not going to judge you. If you want to just keep having sex with her, then I certainly wouldn't contact her afterwards. She should get the hint. If you are not sure, then don't contact her until you do. Her "push" to you the next day when you contact her might come from some confusion from her as to what is going on. It doesn't sound like she has healed or moved on if she is saying those things to you...

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No,

 

Although I started from the position of power at first, through my pushing and trying to get back together too soon...I basically became the dumpee.

 

So, just treat the situation as if I had been the one dumped...b/c for all intents and purposes...that is the dynamic.

 

I would like to start fresh with her, if she is 100% interested as well...of course.

 

And I really don't see myself as playing games...I'm just protecting my heart and b/c she is basically the dumper...I can create opportunities...but she must come to me.

 

If I had to guess, Id say there are mixed emotions.

 

1.) extreme chemistry and attraction, good times...memories, etc.

 

2.) massive pain by losing me, the break up, etc....

 

So, my plan is to just be congruent... I'll call her again in a few weeks...keep it light and just have FUN with her so we can get to know eachother as new people...NOT try to pick up where we left off....make sense?

 

If I can provide further clarification...plz let me know....I enjoy being transparent about this so that I can have the best possible responses from you wise folks.

 

P.S. I also realize that I will get different feedback depending on WHERE each person is in their life (just got dumped, massive pain, they were the dumper, moved on, got back together, etc etc) So maybe each person that responds can also include a little info about themselves and where they are in their process....might be helpful!

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So maybe each person that responds can also include a little info about themselves and where they are in their process....might be helpful!

 

I'm a dumper, 7 months out of the relationship, maintaining a friendship with my ex although we also slept together several times after the breakup and I am still an emotional mess of guilt and despair sometimes after seeing him, though we have not had sex for a while now.

 

With this in mind: If you want her back, you need to stop * * * * ing around with other women and just tell her exactly how you feel. The chances are she's sleeping with you and feeling a lot of good emotions, but then going home and thinking about it and feeling terrible. Once again she's slept with her ex, what was she thinking, what does he think of her, is she just one of many now.... and when you call to arrange a date, she's got all that negativity and insecurity floating through her head, so she backs off to avoid getting hurt again.

 

After all, she's not a mind reader. If she thinks you're just going to treat her as a friend with benefits from now on, her withdrawal after sex is probably to try and protect herself.

 

If you really want her back, be a man and tell her how you feel. Game-playing will only backfire on you.

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I really agree with HouseKitten. I'm a dumpee, 1 month out of the relationship, slept with the ex twice since it ended, I hear he is sad about it too and misses me, so I might be biased, I'm sorry.

 

If the tables have turned, and you now feel like the "dumpee" and you are protecting your heart, you owe it to yourself to be honest with her and just tell her how you feel. Get it over with. Of course you are scared of being rejected and being vulnerable- but wouldn't you rather tell her now that you would like to give it a shot again, rather than push-pull all around the truth of what you really want? Then you get a little more attached and you come to find she has been getting over it? I say no more * * * * * -footing around, tell her what you are thinking and see what happens....

 

You want to get to know each other as new people- make that clear to her then, that you maybe don't want to fall back into old patterns, try it out a bit differently this time, slowly, have separate lives, etc..I don't know if this is an issue with you though

 

 

I just tend to think that with what she says to you about "not feeling like you ever broke up" or that she wants to work it out, even if you dated other women, she might be more inclined to try another go with you...and like HouseKitten said, she is probably thinking she is one of many or an FWB to you so she pushes you away.....

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As much as my emotions tell me that would be the right idea (to wear my heart and intentions on my sleeve)....my own experience and research has taught me otherwise. I had already done that (professed my love for her, wanting to try again, etc) over a year ago when we started dating again...and guess what... she would say things like

 

1.) dont be so sure yet

 

2.) I dont want to hurt you, etc

 

And basically...I drove her into the arms of another guy.-...b-c as much as that stuff works in CHICK FLICKS (a grand gesture of love and spilling your guts) in real life it KILLS the mystery and attraction. Esp. if there is a history...I really think you have to take things slow...maybe not see or talk to eachother more than once every week or so at the beginning...trust and comfort have to be regained.

 

So, call me once bitten twice shy...but I learned that was NOT the way my ex was gonna come back and see me as a priority again for her life...does that make sense?

 

Maybe that makes ME look like the jerk or arrogant one, but guess what? I have to be the man in the relationship, and maintain the control of my emotions and actions (that was a big part of why we split, I became vulnerable with her and then never completely regained my strength as a man...and women want an Alpha male in control of his life and to ultimately LEAD the relationship, not a beta male seeking approval and floundering in indecision. this has been discussed all over the internet ad nauseum)

 

As far as having separate lives...that is going well...Ive never been the co-dependant type, and my job requires me to travel out of the country quite a bit, and its always been a no-brainer for me that I only want to get involved with someone that has an equal amount of "stuff" going on in her OWN life.

 

My challenge/error was probably taking it "slow" as the sex and good chemistry-feelings surely brought back a rush of emotions....and I jumped the gun by calling her the next day...so no worry. I went into NC and let her have time and space, and me as well....Im doing what is right for ME, to be strong and really make my own life and mind the BEST it can possibly be. Whether that is something awesome that I get to share with her, or another lucky young lady in the future....well.... time will tell!

 

thank you all for the input...I will keep updating.

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I totally understand your point of view now - it definitely makes sense.

 

You have a good attitude in doing what's best for you and I don't think you seem like a jerk or arrogant- you've just learned your lesson the hard way but you are not ready to give up.

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Yeah,

 

I had to re-explain it in greater detail...but I am glad that you could see the situation more clearly now, Wanderlust.

 

That being said, I would agree...I learned all about break ups and re-attraction, failure, etc...the HARD way, via massive pain by losing her and thinking I could just "take action" to bring her back....doesn't work that way.

 

I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post.

 

I don't consider myself a "nice guy" but not a "jerk" either....I am more of a strong guy/personality who knows what he wants but also doesn't get walked on or taken advantage of. I'm not an a-hole or mean to others unless they deserve it.

 

It's worked for me so far!

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I don't think you're a jerk, it takes two to have post-breakup sex after all, but I still think if you have any interest in her then you shouldn't play games and work on all this push-pull stuff.

 

If you don't think she'll say yes to getting back together then why keep things open and ongoing by still seducing and sleeping with her? I don't think there's ever been a case where both parties come out of that sort of thing unhurt and perfectly happy.

 

Still, it's your choice of course, and if you're happy with the way things are then I'm glad you've found a way to handle the breakup and everything else. But I just don't think any good can come of you seeing each other in this manner, not if you still want to get back with her at some point.

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mike, i've been in your shoes exactly, and based on what you've said i think i we have a similar personality. i think for your situation, the best thing to do is to keep doing what you are doing, MINUS dating other girls (i think this is good for your healing but if you are still doing it while sleeping with your ex then you won't find the full value in your ex, she will just be another girl.)

 

don't tell your ex your intentions at all ("i want to be with you", etc) or try to get her to spill her guts, just go with the flow. i've been in this weird dynamic with my exes before and i found that when we just "went with the flow" things ended up panning out a little better, but the moment we tried to have a "talk" it just scared one or both of us away. my .02

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Make up your mind. Lived with my ex before we married. He left the marriage and we divorced. Then he comes back. Wonders why he can't stay away. Wonders why we can't return to having casual sex together and trying to rebuild a relationship. N/C brought him begging to try again after the divorce papers were signed. He wants good sex. Yes, we're good together. I want love. He makes me believe there's a chance when all he wants is the freedom to "find himself" while getting his desires fulfilled. It doesn't work. N/C it is. As much as I wanted him back, I don't want to take a chance on any STD. My answer to him: It's over. If he can't give me what I need, I'm not gonna give him what he wants. Period. It's not worth the pain anymore. Sex binds for women because we are emotionally driven. Not so much for men. Just an old woman's opinion whose tired of the bull**** that a cheating, emotionally unavailable ex has to offer.

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Your strategy might work well for your ex, but I just want to advise against using the strategy universally with all women, especially as you get older.

 

After getting dumped a couple times when I was young, I developed the same "play it cool" strategy.. then I met a girl (my now wife), and when I tried it on her I failed miserably. She wanted a grown-up, serious relationship, and wanted no part in my "games". It was only after I realized this that I was able to start dating her.

 

Women, especially as they get older, don't all buy into the alpha-male BS. My wife wants a committed, loving man, and I think you'll find that true of many women.

 

I'm curious.. if the way to win your ex back is to NOT win her.. .. when do you win?

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I plan on calling her up in a week or 2, and just letting things flow....basically start from scratch...etc.

 

You probably already know this but sometimes it helps when someone else writes it down: you know you can never start from scratch, not entirely.

 

Even if you think that's what you're doing, you can't change how she's felt and everything she's been through, and you certainly can't somehow make her forget all of this- this is why I think you should stop messing around with her altogether if you ever want to get back with her. No one ever really forgets. She will always remember how this has gone, so you don't want to do anything you might regret seriously if you really want her back in the future.

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I'm doing this my way...

 

I have to lead the situation, because I am a man, and thats what I do.

 

If you don't understand that it has to be that way, then so be it.

 

Call me a jerk, or a player, or an A-hole...I don't care.

 

Any guys on the forum care to weigh in? All the girls are saying the same things....profess your feelings, tell her how you feel....and we all know that doesn't work...b/c we all want what we can't have, and have to WORK for...i.e. mystery, challenge, excitement, etc.

 

-jerk

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All the girls are saying the same things....profess your feelings, tell her how you feel....and we all know that doesn't work...

 

Really, don't tell her how you feel again if you already tried it and you honestly believe that you wouldn't get a good response from it. I don't disagree with you there.

 

But, I still don't think treating her like a friend with benefits is going to work out in the long run. One of you is going to end up being hurt when the other finds someone else, because keeping that emotional and physical closeness open doesn't let you heal properly. And since you want her back and are keeping her so near, it's probably going to be you.

 

Again, like I said, I don't think the way you're behaving makes you a jerk. You obviously think this is the right course of action. I'm just telling you, as a girl, how I would interpret your behaviour and why I think doing it this way leaves you far more open to heartbreak later on.

 

b/c we all want what we can't have, and have to WORK for...i.e. mystery, challenge, excitement, etc.

 

Well, at the moment she has you. You sleep together and then she backs off. I couldn't say whether she's actually consciously thinking of you as convenient, but you're not giving her any sort of challenge by letting her have it whenever.

 

If you really want to make yourself more mysterious and exciting, stop handing it to her on a platter.

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I'm doing this my way...

 

I have to lead the situation, because I am a man, and thats what I do.

 

If you don't understand that it has to be that way, then so be it.

 

Call me a jerk, or a player, or an A-hole...I don't care.

 

Any guys on the forum care to weigh in? All the girls are saying the same things....profess your feelings, tell her how you feel....and we all know that doesn't work...b/c we all want what we can't have, and have to WORK for...i.e. mystery, challenge, excitement, etc.

 

-jerk

 

Yeah, I wouldn't profess your feelings. That almost never works, and makes you look needy/weak/not confident/etc. That stuff only works in the movies. Knowing someone wants to be with you has little or nothing to do with you wanting to be with them.

 

Just try to remember that if she wanted to be with you, she would be, and its pretty clear right now that she doesn't want to be with you. She's doesn't appear to be pushing for that to happen, and seems content to continue the FWB situation. She'll likely be just as content to end it when she decides its no longer what she wants, and won't be too concerned with how that makes you feel. I'm sure you already know this, but this is a not a good situation to be in. You're handing her the control. You have to remember that you're not having sex or getting attention from her because you are sucessfully seducing her, but rather because she wants those things and is choosing to do those things, and you're letting her have them without getting your needs met.

 

Part of being a strong, attractive male (a strong, attractive person, for that matter) is not settling for less than what you really want. If she doesn't want to give you what you want/need, then you should look elsewhere, not take whatever she's willing to give in hopes that more will come. If you continue on the path you are on you're likely to end up resentful, and hurt.

 

Just my two cents.

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I don't think you need to think of this as an either/or situation: either you tell her directly how you feel and become weak, lose power, and seem less of a decisive alpha man in her eyes OR you continue doing as you are doing and keep the mystery, and the power dynamic in place in your favour.

 

To be honest, if a man broke up with me to date other women, I would expect that he would realize he had to re-prove his commitment to me. You already told her you made a mistake and apologized and tried to win her back a year ago, and didn't get a positive response.

 

But if you really want to be with her, you might consider that it's a very strong, mature, adult, and alpha-male type thing to be direct in telling her how you feel (no whining, begging, pleading this time), and tell her what you want, and ask her to consider it and give you an answer. Now that's a man.

 

Then you can disappear if it's not what you want and move on, or you might find her heart has changed in the last year.

 

Women tend to find those push-pull behaviours childish. We all do them from time to time, and they're intruiging and mysterious for a month or so, but then they become childish and tiresome.

 

Goodluck!

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