Jump to content

my father abused me- my mother let him.


Recommended Posts

Growing up my father was explosive and abusive. Most of the time for no reason- if he suspected i used his towel- i got a beating, if i didn't fill the icecube tray- i got a beating- if i didn't do a chore up to his standards i got a beating. If he had a bad day- i got a beating-

 

he was also verbally abusive.

 

my sister was cruel and nasty as well- even to this day she still says nasty things - the first time she met my fiance she called me a freak show. She is not a child .. she is 40 yrs old.

 

after a beating my mother would tell me that "you just know how to push peoples buttons"

 

my fathers favorite line was "come a little closer so i can reach you" - so he could hit me.

 

i constantly had bruises on me.

 

my mother still denies it and doesn't want to acknowledge how bad it was- back in 2001 (the last time my father hit me) he punched me in the face and gave me a fat lip- my mother denied that he hit me- wanted to come to my therapy session and then sat there and said that she didn't think my father hit me.

 

I was made fun of in school- i was in remedial classes - everything that went on in my house was blamed on my "learning disability" - i just recently graduated from school- a very intense school- i graduated with honors- i was top of my class- i dont believe i had any kind of learning disability - i was the scape goat for the disfunction in my family.

 

I had no where that i felt safe.

 

I spent almost 10 yrs in therapy - the only thing i feel like i accomplished was to stop believing that "i just push peoples buttons" and that i'm "bad" or "out of control"

 

Now i'm back in therapy... when i told my mother that i needed to go to therapy that i was very very angry - she told me you are 37 yrs old .. get over it!

 

after that i decided that i just don't want to be around my family anymore- its my decision .. its what i want for right now-

 

i talked to my mom today and she was saying that she misses me - i was honest with her and told her that i was very angry right now and that it was best that i stay away and focus on me for right now.

 

she didn't like that- she became "hurt" - and now im left feeling guilty- like i shouldn't be thinking of myself right now- like i should only be thinking about her feelings- or his feelings.

 

I just don't want to - i want to be left alone- i want to be angry right now-i dont want to think about or care about how anyone else feels-

 

i just don't know how to forgive right now- I'm just angry and sad -

 

i'm stuck and i don't know how to move past all of this... my anger is affecting my relationship with my fiance- i'm so afraid i'm going to lose him .. even though he says he understands that my anger comes from my past and that he will stand by me.

 

I have so much guilt for feeling angry.

 

i just don't know how to move past it- i know forgive forgive forgive... but the issues are like waves- they just keep coming and knocking me down ... and then i feel angry all over again.

 

How do i get past this? i'm so tired of this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your real family is the one who loves you, treats you well, and stands by you in hard times. These people are not your real family. Your challenge is to free yourself from them and go find your real family (i.e. people who will treat you right). Let these strangers go, they are poison.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Girl let that go, say thank GOD he wasn't sexually abusing you, i wouldnt go there but i would invite her over and just keep in touch via telephone,

 

My dad never send me to school, and he alwaya rough with us and now look at me , his suffering with a heart problem months now and not getting any better, and who is he seeing, me, taking care of him, and im proud of my self that i am able in Jesus name, when he dies if he dies before me , il be in peace to know after all i am clear in conscious.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My choice has been to cut off all ties to my family. I've developed an involuntary ability to block memory and simply not think about the past... which isn't very good, because it means I've lost any good memories I've had too.

 

My opinion is that it sounds like it was a "toxic" environment/life, and you'd be best to cut ties and put it all behind you .. that way in your average day you simply wont think about it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow, I really admire your strength. As I read over your post I see that despite the terrible situations and hurtful things you have had to endure, you have turned out a good caring person. You may not feel like it, but you have your head on straight. I think you may be a little impatient with yourself though. All anger stems from either pain or fear...period. The key to coping with the anger is to actually cope with the pains of the past and the fears of your future. I think it is a good idea to distance yourself from your family, including your sister. Eventually you will be able to acknowledge them without allowing them to impact your life. For the time being they still have too much influence on your emotions to allow your healing to begin. You will be ok! You are a strong and caring person.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey girl. When I was around 20, my mom went through the same thing. All of her childhood trauma and abuse came to a head within her. She found a really good therapist who helped her work through her anger. I'll be honest, she still has some anger. In her case, her mother was the abuser. And she was a nasty abuser. My grandfather just let her do what she wanted. My mom was raped by her uncle when she was 13. No one believed her. Then the uncle that raped her hung himself and everyone blamed her for "accusing him of rape". It was a horrible childhood for her and to be honest I think that she has reconciled it within herself. She was and still is an amazing mother to me. She broke the cycle of abuse and never raised a hand to me. She is a strong, admirable woman. Yet, there is still resentment.

 

You may not be able to forgive for a while and that's ok. I'm not sure if my mom has ever forgiven her parents. I do know that we never saw them again. She never trusted my grandmother around me, so we stayed away. That's what mom needed to do for her sanity and safety. So, she and I became each other's family. Dont rush yourself. Work out your feelings. You may have to do some soul searching alone. My mom would sit outside on the deck for hours sometimes writing in her journal. She wrote her entire life story. Her therapist had her do it. Every single detail. Every thing that she felt, all that she endured. She would chain smoke and write. We just left her alone. And when she was done (it tooks her weeks to do it) she cried and cried and let it go. When she was ready she burned the journal, never spoke to her parents again and started her "new" life with the family that SHE made.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

HHWH,

You are so strong to be posting this.

 

You should have no guilt, none whatsoever. You are you, not your Mom's vision of you. She is paying a price for her inactions, and you are in therapy. Move past the anger, when you can. But in the meantime, no guilty feelings anymore.

 

Your parents put you through he--, and you are trying to cope with that. And good for your B/F...for standing with you through this.

 

Sending ))HUGS((...

KG

Link to comment
Share on other sites

HHWH,

 

It is so unfortunate that we cannot choose the people that we are related to, or the family environment that we are born in. There are so many wonderful minds in this world that are scarred deeply by the mental, emotional, and physical abuse and neglect inflicted upon them by parents and siblings.

 

The longer I have lived, the more I have found that dissatisfaction and emotional pain and guilt have been associated with peoples' relationships (or lack thereof) with their family members. In my case, it was my dad and my step sister. It caused me a lot of pain for a long time, because we would get together and reconcile, and then my father would go back to the same old behavior. I decided that I just couldn't do it anymore--getting up just for the let down.

 

My decision was to cut my father out of my life. I'm not avoiding his calls (not like he calls anyways!), but I'm not seeking him out. That is how I have spent my whole life--reaching out for him, wanting him to be a father to me. But you can't change anyone--you can only change yourself.

 

Your decision is the only decision that can be made. Your family has refused to own up to its dysfunction and, in turn, help you move on from the hurt and pain that still lingers from your childhood. Don't feel guilty. Sometimes, you have to forget everyone else and do what you need to do in order to move on and live a happy life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

wow i never expected to get such support from everyone- thank you it means a lot- there are times when i questions if what i went through was really as bad as i think- my family seems to downplay it- yet again they made me seem like i was some kind of a wild child-

 

as an adult- i look back on myself as a child- i was funny, energentic, curious, loving - i was well behaved!! as a teenager i never had those "wild times" - i never drank, did drugs, i had a small group of friends that i spent my time with- going to movies etc. my grades weren't horrible but education was never encouraged- college was never encouraged- i think my parents forced this learning disability in the hopes that i wouldn't want to go- it was always "we can't afford it" -

 

both my parents worked full time - they made well over $100,000 a year! and they couldn't "afford" to send me to college- anytime i wanted something (which wasn't often) they couldn't afford it.

 

Now, they are retired, they go on 2 month long cruises around the world a year and several 10 -14 day cruises. They own top of the line electronics, furniture, etc.

 

My mother has a jewelry box the size of a small dresser full of diamonds and ruby's and emeralds and any other kind of precious stone you could imagine- and they couldn't "afford" to send me to college.

 

it almost feels like they had kids because its what you were suppose to do- because it looked "nice" to have a family of four and a dog- with all the nicknacks and garage and tire swing in the back yard- but what kind of parenting did they do??

 

our lives were spent keeping my fathers anger in check or recovering from one of his episodes.

 

 

sorry for the rant- it just feels so theraputic to get this out of my head- and say what i feel.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The journal that I spoke of in my last post was an enormous help to my mom. She and her counselor would go over some of the things in it during her sessions. Her counselor never read it, but it helped to get it all out and discuss some of the things that hurt and impacted mom the most.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The journal that I spoke of in my last post was an enormous help to my mom. She and her counselor would go over some of the things in it during her sessions. Her counselor never read it, but it helped to get it all out and discuss some of the things that hurt and impacted mom the most.

 

the thought of writing everything like that .. fills me with absolute dread- i just don't want to go through the emotions of it- i really thought that after id spent all that time in therapy that i had worked through all of this...but i know i haven't.

 

i think the last time i worked through a lot of my issues with my father- because right now- its my mother and my sister that i have the most anger for.

 

I feel nothing when i think of my father- i dont' know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. When i visualize him in my mind- i just see a red faced angry monster that i have no feelings for either way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

the thought of writing everything like that .. fills me with absolute dread- i just don't want to go through the emotions of it- i really thought that after id spent all that time in therapy that i had worked through all of this...but i know i haven't.

 

i think the last time i worked through a lot of my issues with my father- because right now- its my mother and my sister that i have the most anger for.

 

I feel nothing when i think of my father- i dont' know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. When i visualize him in my mind- i just see a red faced angry monster that i have no feelings for either way.

 

Mom didnt want to do it either. But once she started, it all poured out. And then discussing some of it with her therapist helped alot too.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm so sorry that you have gone through this. My heart goes out to you that you experiences these struggles in your early life. Thinking about your situation, I think you might need to move towards a different path. I know you went through therapy - which was great because it helped you realize that you are not bad - for 10 years. I also know that you are still angry (which makes sense). Here's my suggestion. Research forgiveness.

 

It's counterintuitive, but I think that perhaps developing within yourself a genuine sense of compassion for your abuser, and your mom - who was a co-conspirator - can help you find a healing place within your soul. A good place to be is to look upon your parents as people that you love, despite the bad things that they have done. Do you want to be in that place? Can a therapist help you move towards that place?

 

This doesn't mean that you necessarily need to talk to your mother. I think cutting contact with her is actually a good thing. You are setting up boundaries here as well. I think setting up boundaries for her and boundaries for yourself - reprogramming your brain so that you don't allow yourself to dwell on anger - are good ways to approach the situation.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i understand what you are saying but there is a lot of pain there for me. They both know and knew that hitting a child... (my earliest memory of being hit was about 3-4 years old.. i'm not talking a little smack - i'm talking a punch in the gut that knocks the wind out of you) is wrong - they aren't dumb people... they knew it. SHE knew it... but she let this man abuse me to keep "peace" in her marriage- in her life- so she let me be abused - she should have told him to leave- she should have protected me.

 

You also have to realize that along with the physical abuse there was manipulation and verbal abuse-from both of them... including my sister... which imo has cut deeper then any physical abuse.

 

I just don't have it in me to forgive right now- i'm not there- i have researched and talked to my parents about their history- were they abused as well? and they weren't- where the dynamic happened that they felt it was ok to take their anger and frustrations out on me came from- i'll never know.

 

Forgiveness can come later on- for right now- i need to honor the little girl inside of me and stand up for her when no one else would.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

When we are children, we are raised to believe that parents/adults are always right. That they are infinitely smart and wise, and always know what's best. It's only as an adult with my own child that I look around at other parents and adults and realize how wrong that is.

 

Think of your Grade 8 classroom.. there are smart kids, stupid kids, misbehaving kids, scheming kids, etc. It runs the gamut. Nearly all of these kids grow up and become parents one day... do you think they all suddenly become smart, responsible people? Bull. Most of the low-lives STAY low-lives, and - unfortunately - there is no restriction on becoming a parent.. no test one has to pass. I sympathise with their children.

 

There is no child in the world that deserves abuse. My son is a baby still, but when he misbehaves and I try to talk sternly to him, I can't help but start laughing as he gives a mischeivious smile and does the exactly wrong thing again, this time looking directly at me as he does it.

 

I'm a PARENT.. its not about ME having peace and quiet in MY house. No.. its about him LEARNING and having FUN. So as he is pushing the boundaries, carefully watching my reaction, I don't feel anger .. I feel pride and joy as he learns.

 

Your parents were both wrong in their actions. We would all like the ideal childhood - with great parents and lives, but our childhood is the specific time in our lives where we have no control over ourselves. I would rather have not been abused. I also would have liked to have a big, fancy house, that girls would be impressed with when I brought them home as a teenager.. instead I had a disgusting, tiny, delapidated house that was fit for condemning. I had no control of either, though, so I accept that there was nothing I could do. As an adult, however, the quality of life is now within my control - I am as wealthy and clean as I manage to achieve. This is why I choose to ignore/forget my childhood and focus on the present and future.

 

As for forgiveness.. I can only forgive people when they know the error of their ways and I am reasonably certain they will not ever error again. For me, those are the requisites.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah and I think forgiveness means different things for different people. For some it is more about acknowledging that the person wronged you and letting go of the anger within yourself. This is especially common when the offender has died.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have been referring to this forum, but never responded to it until now. I will be the lone voice and say that the anger you feel is good, but why give this more power and energy?

 

I had a terrible relationship with my dad. My mom just looked the other way and always made excuses for him. I blamed all my past failures on the failures of my parents not being the parents I wanted or needed. I realized that my dad did the best he could with what he had coming into fatherhood. It sucks and I wonder what growing up would have been like had all that bs not taken place. You can only do that for so long until it's time to stand up and take responsibility for who and what you are now. You are an adult not that child anymore. One thing that my past gave me....strength and resiliance.

 

I too was angry at my mom and dad and stopped speaking to them for a year. I was miserable, angry and trying to "get them back." It was a wasted year and had anything happened like my parents getting sick or worse dying I would have never forgiven myself. I would have been racked with guilt till the day I die.

 

My dad realizes that he wasn't the nicest dad. He knows that he was abusive. He knows that it wasn't right. I don't need him to self declare that to me. My mom also realizes she should have done more. Again, parents f*** up. There is no emotional, mental or physical manual on how to raise a family. Abuse is terrible but to let it still affect you now is just keeping that ember burning. It's time to put that fire out for good.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Abuse Meaning | Abuse in a Sentence...
Abuse Meaning | Abuse in a Sentence | Most common words in English #shorts

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...