third chances?

[sweetharmony]

My ex has broken up with me not once but twice in the past several months. For the first 9 months, things were great, but our relationship hit a downward spiral and never recovered. Granted, we both have issues and that's what kept us from communicating. He now wants to go to couples counseling-we only hit the one year mark, but we are still both very much in love.

 

Our issues aren't a big deal-mostly my insecurities which causes me to push him and create drama and him getting freaked out. Otherwise, when we are not arguing, we genuinely have a great time together. He just can't take my "drama" and I cause it because sometimes I feel like I need more attention. Yes, unhealthy.

 

Anyways, he still loves me and wants to see if there is any salvaging of what we have left since we both love each other and need to learn to communicate better. I am in solo counseling for my issues re: the other stuff.

 

I am afraid though. I mean he already broke up with me twice and he's gone on dates with others already and I feel like he just doesn't see anyone else now! I feel exhausted to try again, but feel we really had something good at the time. I can change some of my behavior, but I feel like he wants me to be someone I'm not. I've always been a little dramatic since day one and he's known that.

 

I don't know what to do. Any advice?

[Mutley]

The issues for break ups never go away.

 

But, really, it's up to you if you want another go-round with it.

[IMAbadman]

Mutley I can't agree with you this time.

 

If a person wants to change, truly wants to change things can be different. Unfornuntately that true change seldom happens. That's where acceptance comes in to play.

 

OP - you know the guy better than we do. What's your gut telling you? Are you OK with dealing with potentially another break-up?

[Mutley]

Mutley I can't agree with you this time.

 

 

 

I'm hurt!!!

[Ekips]

Mutley I can't agree with you this time.

 

If a person wants to change, truly wants to change things can be different. Unfornuntately that true change seldom happens. That's where acceptance comes in to play.

 

OP - you know the guy better than we do. What's your gut telling you? Are you OK with dealing with potentially another break-up?

 

I concur. Acceptance is key in any type of relationship. Change for yourself, not for somebody else.

[Growl1971]

Our issues aren't a big deal-mostly my insecurities which causes me to push him and create drama and him getting freaked out. Otherwise, when we are not arguing, we genuinely have a great time together. He just can't take my "drama" and I cause it because sometimes I feel like I need more attention. Yes, unhealthy.

 

This is a big deal...a very big deal. Now I know NOTHING about your relationship, and I can't presume to know what you did, how you did it, or when you did what in terms of creating drama. But I must say, insecurity is a major turn-off, and the drama that comes from it is a heavy load for a man to carry.

 

I broke up with my ex because of all this 'drama'... Needing CONSTANT reassurance, having to have the 'where are we talks' 4X in 8 week period, and the list goes on, and gets scarier.

 

This is something YOU need to work on. For yourself. Is there some childhood abandonment issues underneath all of this? Surely, there are scars from your past that make you act this way. I'm not a psychotherapist, and will not begin to analyze the situation as such, but it's good you are getting counseling.

[sweetharmony]

the drama only started when after he took me ring shopping, he kep postponing engagement. I used to feel VERY SECURE with him until the economy happened and after I told him something and he got scared.

 

Then, it was like he kept saying he wants to wait and is not sure, confused. that made me insecure. before that, I felt the most secure I had ever been. He was the one pushing to get me a rong and then he took that.

 

I am not that insecure. I don't freak out if he doesn't call me all day or goes out with his friends or anything like that. I trust him, i don't accuse him of cheating or not loving me. I do feel he does those things. In fact, I wish he went out with others more. I felt betrayed that he told his family something about me that I specifically asked him not to.

 

My insecurity also was just about whether or not we were moving forward. I moved into his house and right after is when we first broke up. he was attached to this house-where his ex wife lived and decorated. It was never going to be mine and I felt like we should eventually get a new place together. He doesn't think it's a big deal.

[Growl1971]

the drama only started when after he took me ring shopping, he kep postponing engagement. I used to feel VERY SECURE with him until the economy happened and after I told him something and he got scared. What did you tell him? If I may ask, don't answer if you don't want to, it's none of my biz!

 

I would take issue, a big one, if he told his family something you specifically told him not too...that's breaking your trust. Was it that egregious?

 

I would NEVER, and I mean NEVER move into a place with a woman who once lived there with her EX. Yikes. No way. I'd rather it burn to the ground than move a lamp of mine in there!

 

It's important to know where you stand, of course. That's your right, it's your life, and you want to know if it is moving forward in order to not waste time. But, if it's a nagging, on-going conversation that keeps repeating itself over and over in a short amount of time, that can be daunting to deal with. I'm not saying you were, I'm speaking hypotheticals here.

 

So I go back to your original post where you say you feel like you need more attention, and keeping in mind what you clarified about some of your issues...so what's the problem?

 

what do you want?

 

If it's a proposal and he's not ready, then you have to decide an amount of time that you're willing to wait for it, or if you even can.

 

If it's more attention, and he's already giving you plenty in his opinion, I don't see any resolution.

 

Does this come down to being incompatible? Not wanting the same things?

 

I just have to say, your plight aside, I cannot stand nagging. ugh...

[pinkrobot]

I'm not condoning giving someone a third chance in any way, because I've had bad enough luck with giving second chances.

 

BUT, if you really love him and really want to go for it, I just felt like chipping in and saying that it is possible to give out a third chance and have success, leading to a great and healthy relationship. My best friend gave her boyfriend about 5 chances over the course of 2 years, and they've now been together almost 4 without having a single significant problem for the last couple years.

 

Just keep in mind, it will take a LOT of work. More than you can imagine. And it's going to be a struggle, and there will be times you'll question whether or not it's worth it. But if you have the desire to keep going with him, it is possible to make things work.

[IMAbadman]

pinkrobot is pretty cool if you ask me.

[pinkrobot]

pinkrobot is pretty cool if you ask me.

 

Haha, why thank you.