How do you get past not having a parent/child relationship with a parent?

[scared and alone]

Don't get me wrong, we do love each other, she's my mom and I will always love her, but, it's just not the kind or relationship that I long to have. how do you move on knowing you will never have exactly what you want with you own parent?

[Sparkly Eyes]

Don't get me wrong, we do love each other, she's my mom and I will always love her, but, it's just not the kind or relationship that I long to have. how do you move on knowing you will never have exactly what you want with you own parent?

 

hmm, I think you just move on... I mean I have very good parents, but they are still not exactly what I would describe perfect parents. I guess you just realize not every thing can be perfect when time passes.. besides as you get older you see your parents less and less usually. So it would not be too hard to deal with your incompatibilities. This is how it went for me.

[scared and alone]

Thats the thing, for the past 12 years, i havent had the relationship i've wanted. I did before hand though. Thats probably why it hurts. I know my mom loves me and all, we just don't have THAT relationship. We kinda have a Tori/Candy Spelling relationship, minus the fame and media. It's just not up to actual family par. I think she just doesn't know how to BE a MOM. And I don't know how to move past that. I guess some part of me holds onto WANTING a mom, which I will never truly have. I don't know how to just accept that and forget about it; i mean I KNOW its the reality, i guess i'm just resentful that I have to do that at all. Every child (even adults) deserve to have their PARENT(s).

[indierockgrl]

I can totally relate to this. My own "mother" walked out when i was about 6 months old... and would over time try to pop up here and there throughout. I think the last time i saw her was over 5 years ago when i, for the very last time, gave her the chance for a relationship. She left again... so i have since then closed her off completely. I never had any kind of parent/child relationship with this person because she never tried to be my mom. I guess in a sense your luckier to have some form of a relationship with yours... but i can see how you feel a void as i do. I always looked at my friends in a jealous sense because they had mothers and i didnt. As i got older and now, i just feel like there are people you are meant to have in your life and there are people you arent and sometimes, they happen to be family. I am ok with her being out of my life. I know her better that way. If you want to make your relationship with your mom better is there any way you could go to a counselor to work out any differences with her? I think its wonderful that your intentions are good. Maybe your mom would want that too, i guess you never really know until you speak with her.

[scared and alone]

With her, all she would want to do is see a christian counselor, her pastor. I'm not even kidding. Thats what she always does. She did it to me and she did it to my 11 year old brother. So did not help. All they do is just say pray. Yeah, HOW does that help?

[hers]

I have huge resentments for my mom b/c she wasn't the mom I needed her to be. She put me and my sister in such danger as children and usually put us last. If I went to her for advice about a breakup or something, she'd tell me to get a restraining order (why? I don't know). In high school she partied with us and bought us beer instead of setting up boundaries and rules (cool at the time but I've grown to resent that). She alwaysd wanted to be our friend first. I needed a parent first though.

 

How did I get over that? I haven't. Fully. But the only thing I know how to do is say she did the best she knew how. I can't change how she parented me. I can only change how I allow her to treat me now. She's still not a parent to me, not in the sense I need her to be, but she still can only do what she knows how.

 

My dad handles every situation with money. Everything can be fixed with money. Hugging him is the most awkward thing. "I love you" is unheard of. He advises to do what makes you successful, not happy. My dad and I talk Atlanta Braves, work, and gossip. Nothing else.

 

If you only see people the way you expect them to be but don't accept them for who they actually are, you're only setting yourself up for disappointment.

[hers]

With her, all she would want to do is see a christian counselor, her pastor. I'm not even kidding. Thats what she always does. She did it to me and she did it to my 11 year old brother. So did not help. All they do is just say pray. Yeah, HOW does that help?

 

Don't pray to have a better relationship with her. Pray to love and accept her for who she is and pray to be grateful that she brought you into the world. That's what I've had to do. It is helpful. You just have to have faith.

[scared and alone]

Thats the thing, the only way she knows how to talk is by acting like she is a preacher. She can't even have an actual conversation without bringing God into it. At all. It's really pointless even talking to her half the time because she'll find SOME way to bring religion into it. It's like shes more interested in converting people to religion than she is anything else. Actually with her, thats the ONLY thing she cares about.

[waveseer]

I parented my parents from the time I was 15 or so, quite backwards really. At least I knew how to love them and now my kids are benefitting from all of my previous parenting experience. I'm not sure I could take parenting at this point, even if someone offerred.