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Get over the ex vs. live with the loss of ex


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People talk about getting over the ex all the time. What does it really mean? Does it mean to stop loving your ex and find another person to love? It just doesn't make sense to me.

 

For me breaking up is as if your ex were dead, especially if you lost contact forever. So you try to grieve but he/she will always in your heart even if you fall in love with somebody else.You just learn to live with the loss because deep in your subconscious mind he or she still has a place.Does that count as cheating to your new partner?

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this is a question that i am having to ask myself and i'm sorry that i don't have the answer for you.

for me, breaking up as if she was dead did not work. she still consumed too much of my thought and i plunged into a very deep depression. i wasn't able to let myself get involved with anyone else as a result of this. i am sure i stopped myself from doing so because of the feeling that i still had for her.

 

i do think that for some people that it is very much a case of learning to live with the loss. if you give that much of yourself to someone, they are always going to have a little piece of you, no matter how hard you try to make it otherwise.

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I think what most people mean is that they have to go through those classic stages of grief with the end of the relationship.

 

Unless you are a cold-blooded reptile, or you dated Hitler, I think you will always love your ex. That person will always hold a place in your heart. Just because you love and care about an ex doesn't mean that you can't love another person. I think that there are different types of love. I love my ex's like I do my friends, but it's not the romantic love that I have for my fiancee.

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People talk about getting over the ex all the time. What does it really mean? Does it mean to stop loving your ex and find another person to love? It just doesn't make sense to me.

 

For me breaking up is as if your ex were dead, especially if you lost contact forever. So you try to grieve but he/she will always in your heart even if you fall in love with somebody else.You just learn to live with the loss because deep in your subconscious mind he or she still has a place.Does that count as cheating to your new partner?

 

 

A break up is not the same as a death. If somebody dumps you it could take a long while to get over it. However, if you fall in love with someone else there should be no special romantic place in your heart for the ex because your ex should pale in comparison to the new love. If a person doesn't feel romantically indifferent to an ex when they are with a new partner then they shouldn't be with a new partner.

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Comfy, sorry for how much pain you're going through. I'm with you...for me I feel calm and peaceful once I accept that no matter he comes back or not I'll still love him, maybe in my deep heart. I try not to fight the feelings and make myself miserable because I believe he loves me (or at least loved me) too. Things just happen when the relationship doesn't work. I'm not ready to date yet but I believe I'm able to love again, although not sure if I can have the same level of happiness.I'm learning to live with the loss, in stead of simply getting over and beating myself up if I don't get love for return. Oftentimes you'll never get over from losing a loved one.

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i think getting over someone means making peace with the fact that they are gone, that they are no longer part of your life and that they are in the past.

 

I do believe getting over an ex also means achieving a certain level of indifference ie you can look back with fondness on this part of your past but you aren't emotionally affected by it.

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.

 

i do think that for some people that it is very much a case of learning to live with the loss. if you give that much of yourself to someone, they are always going to have a little piece of you, no matter how hard you try to make it otherwise.

 

This is so very true. I have found that I don't really totally get completely detached from an ex until I have attached to someone else, but the catch 22 is that I can't attach to someone else until I have grieved the loss of the person and the relationship just ended. As this has happened to me several times over the years, I understand the grieving process. It hurts and it always takes longer than we hope.

 

I don't want to waste any more of my life however trying to analyze the past or speculate how amazing my life could be now if this ex or that was still in it. It could be much worse, and in fact, years later, I am very grateful I didn't end up long term with all of my ex's.

 

It takes awhile to come around to that point of view, as I believe it's not our ex per se that we are grieving after the initial weeks, but the way we felt when we were loved and the hopes we had for a future that might be an outgrowth of that love. It's part of the natural cycle of life I think, we have to experience a death of something in order to make room for something else.

There's a tree in my back yard for example that I almost cut down this past winter because it looked so sickly and well, dead. But I noticed the other day, quite without any help or even thought from me, that there are new leaves on it and it's quite alive thank you very much.

 

Our grief is like that tree in the middle of winter. We appear dead, but even as we are going through this massive time of self reflection and unbelievable discomfort, there's something new preparing to emerge from us. We don't know when, and there's really very little we can do to make it happen, other than we know our ex's are not part of the answer, they are part of our past that, when we finally tire of the sleepless nights and the lack of appetite and the constant feelings of sadness and self pity, (and we will grow tired of feeling this way eventually), we will let go of our handful of dirt that we have been clasping to so tightly and be able to grasp something better, something now unknown.

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A break up is not the same as a death. If somebody dumps you it could take a long while to get over it. However, if you fall in love with someone else there should be no special romantic place in your heart for the ex because your ex should pale in comparison to the new love. If a person doesn't feel romantically indifferent to an ex when they are with a new partner then they shouldn't be with a new partner.

 

I think that a breakup is similar to a death works in the situation that the relationship was great and loving but fails due to uncontrollable factors, not simply because the dumper doesn't love the dumpee any more. Not sure if anyone agrees. This time strangely enough I didn't feel the same sadness as when I was dumped by a man who didn't love me at all. I'm quite shocked by the peace and strength that I feel after buckets of tears. Weird.

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I think it depends on the partner and their significance in our lives.

 

With my first two boyfriends, I did the normal greiving. I didn't feel like they were dead, it just felt like a break-up.

 

With my last boyfriend/fiance, it's different. We gave so much more to each other---it's like losing 3 people in one: a best friend, a brother/family, and a lover. He was all three of those things to me. The loss is much bigger and feels like a death.

 

I am learning it's almost impossible to try to get over him as a "break-up"---I can actually relate more to grieving spouses whose partners have died.

 

I do feel like my ex will always be in my heart and the next person (hard to imagine right now) will have to accept it. In fact, I almost hope I can find a similar partner--one whose partner died (or they feel like the partner died). That way, we can have true companionship.

 

I can't imagine trying to pretend like L was just some guy who broke up with me. I need a partner who accepts the depth of my loss. I would be willing to accept the depth of his loss as well. Someone who hasn't experienced it wouldn't understand.

 

Maybe it changes as time goes on, but I really think that some exes you can "get over" eventually...while others are like adjusting to the death of a loved one.

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Nice point! It's exacly like what I feel. Now I feel like I'm not alone, especially after reading all the other posts about letting go and getting over which I can't relate to. I'm psycho to send him messages occasionally as if talking to a dead spouse.lol.We used to share each piece of our life stories every day!!

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I think those people who have lost a spouse to death would probably argue that unless you yourself have lost a spouse to death you couldn't possibly understand. People spend a lot of time trying to make comparisons over how their suffering is different or the same as someone elses. Making comparisons just doesn't work. Everyone's suffering is unique to them..and to say that mine is worse than yours, or mine is the same as yours is just dramatics.

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For me getting over someone means that I no longer feel pain, regret or a sense of loss when I hear their name mentioned. They are no longer on my mind, I am focussed on other things. If I hear from them I am non-plussed as to whether they are seeing someone or not. But its not something that happens instantly. It is a journey and a painful one at that.

 

For instance, I am over my ex-husband but not yet over my ex-boyfriend. I have to stay in contact with my ex-husband as we have 3 children together and up until recently he was living with someone else (whom he left me for 22 months ago). In the beginning I was a wreck but life goes on and circumstances change. I met somebody else who I fell for and it changed everything.

 

Nothing my ex-husband does affects or hurts me now. However with my bf that is a different story altogether. I am just starting out on that painful journey.

 

Basically getting over someone means they don't have a hold of your heart anymore - they can still have a small place in it, of course, as regards fond memories etc but not a complete hold of it. That position is ready to be filled by someone else.

 

My confusion lies in whether or not this journey of letting go and getting over them can be done purely by my own efforts and not by somebody else coming in and taking over where they left off!

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I'm not trying to equalize the pain of death with a break-up necessarily. There's no competition involved.

 

I'm just saying---and think Thornbirds is saying--that it FEELS like a death.

 

That's just how we feel, can't help it. It feels like that person is still special to us and will always be.

 

Just because some people hate their exes for breaking up with them doesn't mean we all do. I get moments of anger, etc. but it still feels like, overall, this is a man who I love and will not just "get over" like you get over someone who's done you wrong.

 

Take a parent---if a parent treats you poorly when you're a kid, do you"get over them" or continue to love them even though you hate them at the same time? Now you might say you can't compare family to a boyfriend/girlfriend, but I disagree. My ex taught me so much more, did so much more, than my own father did. He was there for me in the hospital when my family wasn't, cleaning up my vomit. He came and bailed me out one day when I got stuck on the subway.

 

So I stand by my word that it depends on the nature of the relationship. Just because some people don't feel like it's death doesn't mean others don't. I do feel it's like a death and I hope to find a partner who will accept that and won't downplay him as some ex from the past. I no longer put him on a pedestal but I don't believe we need to downplay people who were very central parts of our lives...unless we really weren't happy with them, which is not true for me...I was mostly happy with mine.

 

Even if I have crushes on others, love others, etc. I know I will ALSO love my ex. Not saying I'll never love again, but my ex will still be loved too.

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I think getting over your ex means reaching a point where you don't think about him/her all the time, and when you do it's without the kind of pain that you feel before. Better yet, it's reaching a point where you can even look back fondly on the time you spent together, and realizing that while it was sad for a time, it happened for a reason - and that reason is to bring you to the point where you are then. We are shaped by our experiences - by the difficult ones at least as much, if not more than, the happy ones.

 

I also think that you will find that the love you currently still feel for your ex will fade in time. I'm not saying that you won't still love him/her - you'll probably always carry some feelings of love or fondness - but because s/he will no longer be a part of your daily life, that will fade into the background. There are all different types of love. Think about how you can love your best friend for X reason, another friend for Y reason, your brother or sister for Z, your parents in yet another different way.

 

It's like that with exes, too. I found this hard to believe, too, after my first LTR breakup, but it's true. I've loved all of my exes, but each of them in a different way, and I still carry some fondness and love (of varying types and degrees) for each of them. But they don't figure in my daily life anymore. My most recent ex, of course, currently fills the largest part of my heart, as well as the one I spent by far the most time with (6 years). But I rarely even think of my first two partners, whom I was with >10 years ago, anymore. I care about them and wish them well, but they're just not even remotely a part of my life anymore.

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