Losing my mind....

[xenodamus]

If I can gaurantee you one thing it's an interesting read. I don't really know what I'm looking for here. I think I really just need to vent and put all this down in type. I divorced my wife in May of 08 for sleeping with 2 different guys during the first 8 months of our marriage. Sad....I know. I questioned my decision every day, though. Our divorce was official before our first anniversary in June of 08.

 

My life was miserable without her. I felt like I had divorced her for the wrong reasons and that maybe I should have put more effort into saving the marriage. Because of these feelings I let her creep back into my life. We started sleeping together again and 5 months after our divorce we were seeing each other publicly again. My family expressed extreme dissapproval but supported me in whatever I wanted to do. We were attending counseling during this time as well and she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Anyone familiar with it knows the havoc BPD can wreak on your social and family life.

 

Here is where things got interesting. Because of my former religious affiliation (Jehovah's Witness) if it were to be known that we were sleeping together outside of marriage I would be "disfellowshipped" and shunned by many of my still believing family, including my parents. Because things were going so well between us and my fear of being shunned we decided to give our relationship one more try. We remarried in December 08. You don't have to say it....i know.

 

Since our remarriage, her BPD symptoms have taken a turn for the worse and she has exhibited behavior that I never saw throughout our first marriage. She has been violent and struck me in the face or bit me hard enough to leave a bruise on too many occasions to count. Once she bit my wrist because I wouldn't give her my phone and I lost feeling in two of my fingers for several months afterward. She's thrown a full cup of scalding coffee on my chest at work (I'm a teacher). She's pushed my $10,000 motorcycle over on it's side in the driveway both with and without me on it. She's thrown objects at me, including my $300 helmet. She's shoved my $1800 laptop off a table onto the floor. I think you see the picture I'm trying to paint.

 

During the 5 months we've been remarried we've had 4 different altercations where the police were called by her or a neighbor. One of those instances was during a vacation when I made a verbal threat because she struck me in the face after I stayed up too late. She called the police, had me arrested for harassment, and left me in jail 3 hours away from home. My family had to drive down to bail me out. The worst part of all this is that most of the info I read about BPD says that it usually get's WORSE over time. I don't think I can take anything worse than what I've seen so far. On a totally different note, I also found out that we both have genital warts from one of her partners while we were divorced. She slept with multiple people while I chose abstinence. She never used protection with a single one of them. Now she's rid of the infection and I'm still treating it. My doctor has even recommended circumcision......

 

Do you think I would be a failure/quitter/unsupportive if I decided that I made a huge mistake by remarrying her? I know that I will look like a total idiot and that does bother me. But I'm afraid that I'm about to ruin the rest of my life by staying with her. We have no children, thankfully. I'm 23 and she's 20. If nothing else, maybe my story will make you feel better about your own situation or rethink reuniting with your ex. Not sure what direction I'm going to head from here. I guess we'll see.

[IMAbadman]

Wow bud... I mean wow.

 

You're a young guy. I didn't see anything about kids so... Personally... I'd walk away. You tried your best. She needs to put effort into this too. Doesn't seem to be happening. Get out while you can before she takes an arm and a leg with her.

[becca0194]

I agree with IMAbadman..you need to get out of this. He did mention no kids. You are young and you have the choice to live your life in this dysfunction. You derserve much better. Don't worry about what people think of you. Just take care of yourself. I am familiar with BPD because I have a family member with it. It will NOT get better.

[comfyshoes]

What struck me most about your post was that you said you thought you may have divorced her for the wrong reasons.

 

She slept with TWO different guys while you were married!

If those are the wrong reasons for divorcing her, i don't know what the right reasons are.

 

You are young. Run away fast from this car crash and never, ever look back.

You will feel pain like you never thought you would know, but this does not sound like it is heading to a happy place for you

[Clabs]

Hi there Xeno

 

Like the others, all I can say is WOW. In all my time on here I don't think I have come accross anyone who has put up with such disgusting treatment.

 

This is a train wreck buddy - just think yourself lucky that you managed to crawl away from the wreckage. Now start running, and keep on running.

 

And yes - if you stay with her you will ruin the rest of your life.

 

I only hope you are strong enough to get away from this situation fella.

 

Mark

[nomorelovish]

I have to agree with everyone here. I'm a psychology major, so I know a little bit about this disorder and I must say it's something that is not going to change, no matter how much you try to be there for her and remain supportive.

 

I know it's probably extremely difficult for you to walk away from her again considering this is your second go at marriage, but you're young and its best to just walk away now while you can.

 

I can imagine that you feel like you're giving up on her, especially since you know it is the disorder that makes her act the way she does towards you and that's hard to walk away from. Either way, the fact that she slept with other people while she was away and still with you, and the fact that she gave you a disease from her affairs is enough of a reason for you to walk away from her, regardless of her disorder. She is also extremely physically violent towards you, which is an entirely different problem in itself.

 

All of us are here to support you, remember that!

[insecurefool]

you have to move on. i'm sorry that you had to deal with all this. the gal just has serious mental issues, and it may be a long time/never before she overcomes them. no matter how much you want to support her, you have already given so much, and received so much mistreatment. stay strong in your faith (or whatever it is that keeps you going) and move on with life.

[LWalk6439]

I agree with everyone else, wow, that's a lot to go through. I do not think you would be a quitter if you walked away from your relationship. It may feel difficult because you know that she does have a disorder and you feel guilty for leaving, but that is no excuse for how she treats you. She cheated on you twice when you are married! Most likely it will happen again. You are still young and need to experience life, be thankful that you are strong enough to realize what is going on!

[xenodamus]

Thanks to those who took the time to read. I feel torn in both directions. I know that I remarried for the wrong reasons. I just talked myself into it at the time and rationalized everything. But I know for a fact that after any one of these incidents that took place the last few months I would have run if it weren't for the fact that we're married. We just took things way too fast. I wish I had taken my time and seen all of this about her before jumping back into a marriage.

 

The hardest part is listening to her tell me how hard she's willing to try and how she'll never lay a hand on me again. I've told her that it shouldn't take the threat of divorce to resist the urge to punch your spouse in the face. We've been in counseling for 6 months but she says she realizes now that she never really gave it 100%. She's reading books, following the "Love Dare", and trying her best to be perfect in every way right now.

 

I don't want to be married to someone who is trying to be perfect so that I won't divorce them, though. What kind of relationship is that?

[IMAbadman]

I feel for you bud. I'll be following your story and interested in we're it takes you.

 

Wish you all the best.

[xenodamus]

Well, after calmly brining up separation the past few days she left last night. She told me she would go stay somewhere for a few days and then see how I felt after that. I don't think she realized that what I'm actually trying to do by separating is wean myself off of her and this relationship.

 

I'm hoping that this will be the beginning of the end. I still have that nagging feeling in my heart asking me what the hell I'm doing. But intellectually I feel like I'm making the right decision. I spent some time thinking earlier today and other than physical/emotional companionship, I can't think of one positive aspect that she adds to my life.

 

Hopefully I'll be strong enough to continue on the path it looks like I've chosen. And hopefully I am indeed making the right decision.

[IMAbadman]

Sounds like your doing right by you. The relationship is NOT healthy. Don't feel you're being selfish or abandonment. You gave it your best. A relationship take two to make it work.

[Tanzi]

You are making the right decision. You tried to make it work. You have done all you can. For the sake of your own safety you need to get out, especially if things look set to get worse.

 

You are young, you may want children one day. Could you imagine having children in a relationship like that. Think of yourself and your future happiness.

 

Good luck

[Casanova4life]

yea i been in your shoes and time will not fix her unless there is strict NC between the both of you for at least a year. leave with your self respect and dignity.

[needafriend]

Hopefully I'll be strong enough to continue on the path it looks like I've chosen. And hopefully I am indeed making the right decision.

 

You are making the right decision and I wish you all the best.

I would also suggest some counselling for yourself once the dust has settled. Dealing with this kind of abuse will certainly have an effect on your own mental health.