Jump to content

Back to the future... How?!?! (my story, long)


Recommended Posts

I keep re-lapsing, one minute I am doing ok and concentrating on moving on and how NC is the only option that has any promise of a positive outcome… eventually. I am trying to concentrate on how great my friends are and how much I enjoy spending time with them cos they have been amazing through all this. I begin to start realising how lucky I am that I own my own place, that I am a great person to be around (when not heartbroken and unhappy!), I make people laugh, I am kind and thoughtful and I should be proud of everything I gave towards my past relationship and positive about how I have what it takes to be a “great catch” for some lucky lady. My ex even said “I have never felt more loved than when I was with you…” this is something to be proud of right?!

 

I try to make myself fully aware of the person my ex actually ended up being and how that person is not worth anymore of my unhappiness and loneliness. After 4 and a half months together she started a new job that meant clashing work schedules, she ended up cheating on me after telling me that she needed space, then lied to me about it whilst also asking me to do favours for her and her family at the same time. She also became increasingly self centred as the months passed, not really willing to go out of her way for the relationship, I would have to drive everywhere and pay for most things, it just began to feel like I was a convenience to her when she needed me, rather than a person she needed and wanted. She became less and less interested in me and my life, a close family member is currently very ill and I can count the number of times she enquired as to their wellbeing on one hand. I apparently started to make too many demands on her time, and was a little bit unreasonable, but I needed her, throughout all the difficulty of having a sick close family member I needed her to be my shining light, I needed her to be the person I fell for originally. But the relationship started to feel all too one sided, it felt like I was having to work to keep us together, I was bending over backwards to keep things going (kind gestures, gifts) which at the time I thought was just something I had to do for the relationships sake. I was even very disciplined and gave her the space she wanted when she asked for it. Relationships do take effort, but I guess now I know the difference is that both people need to be willing to put in the effort through tough times.

 

She was not willing to put in this effort and I guess at this point its worth pointing out that I am 30 (settled, with a steady job, car and own home) and she is 22 (just out of university, pretty, intelligent, still finding her place in the world, living with dad) But that doesn’t forgive the cheating, the fact that when I needed her most she spent the night with someone from her work that had started showing an interest in her, someone who she had told me about previously but I had trusted her implicitly to do the right thing with regards to him. When she finally admitted to the cheating, It killed me, I was a mess, it was shameful, I should have just walked out of her house with my dignity still intact… instead I cried and tried to tell her that despite the cheating we could still work things out. I never outright begged her, but I more than ensued that I was willing to try again. She said her sorry’s but I never really saw any true remorse in her eyes. This wasn’t just a kiss with another man, she made a series of conscious decisions with complete disregard for me and my feelings, with no respect for me or our relationship. She got in a taxi with this guy, went into his house, kissed him and spent the night with him. She could have bailed at any point out of respect for me and our relationship, even if she had every intention of running off with this guy, she could have waited instead of acting so selfishly and callously. But she didn’t…

 

After she told me about the cheating then started 2 weeks of us having space for days at a time, to her then texting me asking to spend time with me only for me then to find out that she was still texting this guy she cheated on me with. So I told her we can’t do anything about us until this guy is 100% still out of the picture. After a few days of NC she told me that she wanted to give us another try and that this other guy was gone, so we tried to give things another go for 2 whole days! But it was obviously dead so I told her that whilst I know we cant magic things back to how they used to be immediately, it just doesn’t feel like you want me anywhere near you. She then immediately started crying and told me that the main reason for her saying she wanted to give things another go was because she didn’t want to see me unhappy anymore, I guess it was out of pity for me. This was obviously not ok, so we said a couple of hours worth of tearful goodbyes and I left…

 

Since then she has got a bit angry at me for starting LC and NC, then she has apologised and just said she is finding it hard not seeing me anymore etc, I replied that it was “hard” when she cheated on me and she cant expect things to be fine between us straight away! Last week we saw each other, I went round her place, it wasn’t a good idea… it only served to remind me how what we had was gone, there was a different look in her eye. We went out for food and this person sat in front of me was now a stranger to me. She was only really concerned about the place being cold, how hungry she was and how long the food was taking. She would look past me as I was speaking not really interested in anything I was saying, whereas before we would maintain eye contact for ages and hang off each others words. It was heartbreaking. This person looked like the girl I fell for, but then there would be another awkward silence during which I would be fighting so hard to try and find something to say, something to talk about, who is this person?

 

Then follows a few hours of watching TV on her bed, its not right, we both agree we are used to cuddling up to each other etc. She wants things to be “normal” between us, but I explain that normal is us as in a couple, we have never been friends before so trying to establish that after such an intense relationship is not something I have ever tried to do before, I know deep down it’s a fools game. We then indulge our past by hugging and cuddling for a bit, but no kissing, I maintain my composure and leave. Since then her only contact has been asking me to do favours for her, whilst I have continued my nice guy act helping her out and being nice. Well no more… its time for NC and full on NC… this is all too painful. I am pretty sure she has a borderline personality order, maybe a bit of a narcissist? Much of her behaviour points to this ie very full on from the start, slowly becomes just interested in themselves and own interests, not so interested in me or my interests, only concerned with themselves, then she cheats and doesn’t seem to be able to empathise, no real empathy about how im feeling.

 

So here is my question, knowing all this, why do I continue to live in the past? Before all the above happened, I have never felt so loved, cared for and wanted by a girl. She was kind, considerate and someone I thought I definitely had a future with. We were so in love and would tell each other all the time. We have so many happy memories and all I do is replay them over and over and over and it gets me so down. I am living in the past and making my present and future grim, how do I stop this?!?! Can anyone help or offer advice? Anyone know of any good threads?! This is the only thing stopping my recovery, I cant stop constantly thinking of our happy times and how we met etc and how happy I was!!! I want those times back cos I know I cant be with who she is now, I want the old her and us back! Once I can stop this I know I will be on my way…

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm right where you are at. I wish I could offer a solution or magic answer. I just have faith from reading this forum that it WILL get better in time, and you seem to know that but like me, a bit impatient- and that's ok too- we want it to be all better NOW.

 

I'm just trying to take one day at a time. And if the memories and thoughts come, then let them come. And with an intense relationship, they may come for a long time.

 

I wish I could help you more, but just know you are not alone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I We were so in love and would tell each other all the time. We have so many happy memories and all I do is replay them over and over and over and it gets me so down. I am living in the past and making my present and future grim, how do I stop this?!?! Can anyone help or offer advice? Anyone know of any good threads?! This is the only thing stopping my recovery, I cant stop constantly thinking of our happy times and how we met etc and how happy I was!!!…

 

I am there with you! ARgghh! It is not easy, is it? If only I could hike to the top of the hill and find a tablet of stone on which my answers written. I don't entirely believe it is living in the past when we long for what was good. I don't have any answers...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

exact same sitation.. I actually used to tell her all the time.. I want the old A back.. the New A sucks.. she used to laugh it off..

 

but i know man.. i really do in my heart believe nc is the ansewr ..

 

what happened to you is prolly what happened to me.. the balance in the relationship is gone.. and they only way to get that back is to go NC and show the other person you dont NEED them in your life..

 

I will only accept the old A in m y life.. not the new one who treats me like crap and takes advantage of me..

 

u just gotta keep pushing forward and know the only way to get better and get ur "old gf" back is to go nc and move on..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

man, you and i really are in the sameboat except for the cheating part.

 

if i were you, i would force myself to see the cheating part. its a hard pill to swallow, but she will do it again. ...her morals are way off and you deserve way better than that.

 

when you feel sad cry, when you feel down,realize that you just miss somone actively loving you. something you can find again. try to tell yourself that you are better than all that crap, and that she is in for a lifetime of pain and suffering if she continues down this path (which she probably will), and you arebetter off without having to deal with that kind of drama.

 

 

my hats off to you for deciding no contact. its best for you in this specific set of predicaments.

 

chin up man, you can do way better!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am going to offer the same sentiments as others on this thread. I am right were you are one day kind of bouncing along and the next just going aaaarrrggghhh. After my "gf" showed her true colors I like a moron tried to take her back but it was not the same because this was not the woman I fell for. I was trying to retrain myself to accept this person as she now was. Which was not not what I wanted but my feelings were still so intense for her I had a difficult time cutting loose. Eventually I realised you can fool everyone else but you cannot fool yourself, I was kidding myself to think that I could make this work at this time. I knew it was going to emotionally kill me but I just had to end it. after two and a half months of strict n/c its getting slightly better but some days it just feels like yuck. If anything I feel I have regained some self respect back and perhaps some dignity but some days are really challenging. Just to let you know you are not alone in this. so lets all keep the good fight.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks guys, really appreciate ur responses. I know there are no answers, other than that old cliche about time which i cant even bring myself to type! Its the ups and downs that get me, one minute i have things relatively straight in my head, i see her for who she really is and am disgusted by the cheating. I can see that nc is all about me, my own self respect and dignity, i feel ready to rise above her and the * * * * that she did...

 

But then i will hear a song we liked, go a place we used to go... I work in the place where our relationahip began and ended, its a constant reminder!! I just fall to pieces... I get real head in hands moments where i just ache for the past and miss her (old self) so so much. We had a lot of fun, i was so happy. But then i think of her with that other guy, it sickens me, but mostly makes me sad when i should be angry or glad im rid of a person capable of such a selfish cold act.

 

Its day 4 of nc, i know i am doing the right thing but it feels as if i have a marathon to run. Yet i still want her to text, as wrong as that is!!

 

*sigh* i should hope she doesnt contact me anymore, but that would mean 100% letting go, which i obviously cant do yet!! Grrrrrrr!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

boy, you and i are walking the same road right now.

 

mine called me last night to tell me how her day was. ...right cuz i want to hear that ish.

 

i hope to god she doesnt contact you ever again, but you know they always do.

 

about the songs and places etc... i have been forcing myself to go there and make a new memories that do not include her, like the yogurt shop we used to go to or the sushi joint we always ate at. ...i have taken friends and forced myself to think about her, cry, then get on with the new feelings of her absent from this place,so i have something else to think a bout when i thnk about all the different aspects of my life and how i can get along just fine without her at those places. and songs too, i made a playlist of all the songs that i could possibly get sad over (that i could think of) and listend to them while running, climbing, mt biking, working on the car,studying etc, just so i have some other thoughts associated with those songs rather than just her.

 

and its definitely working. ...sure im sad the first time, but afterwards, i reflect on my new experience and see that it was actually agood time

just do what u have to and you WILL come out a better human being so long as you let this experience become part of you

 

its funny, i think you will want to call her and thank her 1 day for allowing you to learn so much about yourself

Link to comment
Share on other sites

everyone things there relationships are unique.. but really there not.. once a women knows u will do anything for her.. they treat you like CRAP!!!

 

its just human nature... u take for granted what is given to you easily..

 

why do u think so many people get back together AFTER nc.. its because it takes the other person standing up for themselves to get the respect from there other partner that they ARE willing to leave..

 

all relationships are a push and pull.. just make sure ur always pulling

 

i paid for a 3 year membership at my gym upfront..

 

i ended up goijng and buying another gym membershipment so she cant accidently bump into me at the gym..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

once a women knows u will do anything for her.. they treat you like CRAP!!!

 

its just human nature... u take for granted what is given to you easily..

 

all too true, nice quote! thanks! That has given me a nice little pick me up this morning as i have been feeling down. Since the cheating and break up for some reason i have still been reasonably nice to her and only last week was still doing favours for her and offering her advice and i even paid for dinner! I am a mug and too nice for my own good!

 

When it comes to NC, thats all well and good but my problem is that i am still focusing on how NC will affect her, when i should be focussing on how NC is going to help me! But its soooo hard, i dont for a second think we could ever get back together (im better than to take back a selfish narcissistic cheat!), but i am dying to know if she is missing me or thinking about me! Is she fighting herself not to text me out of pride? I doubt that... plus i dont want her to text me do i!! aaaaah!

 

thanks again guys, its good to know that someone else is at in a similar place as me...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...