Zeitgeist Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 I had originally posted this in the cyber forum, but it's probably more appropriate here. I just had my first date with someone from an online dating site. It went fine, but we're just totally not compatible and I wasn't attracted at all. I would prefer to just disappear. Would that make me a total ass? In the past, I have just not called (or e-mailed) and I assume that everyone understands that code. But one of my friends says I should give her a heads up that there won't be a second date. So I guess I'm wondering what the ENA consensus is. To me, calling or e-mailing a rejection actually seems kind of presumptuous. I don't even know if she's interested in a second date, so it'd be like me rejecting her, even if she didn't want to see me either! Link to comment
Keyman Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 For me, I would prefer being told up front, so I can deal with the situation and move on. I hate to sit wondering what happened, cause if I thought it was a great date, my mind goes spare. Most people go with the disappearing act though. Link to comment
cruzer Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 i would rather be told. but lets be real here, how many people will straight up say that? Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 I'm with keyman. I know what you're saying, OP, but if she's a mature enough person, she's realize you're just being courteous. I think you're a thoughtful person, so how you word it makes all the difference. If you're gracious and modest, you won't come accross as presumptuous. I hate that hanging in the air feeling. It always feels just a little worse to think someone was SO not into you, he'd not even bother contacting you, than to hear it up front -- even you're nothing but relieved that it's mutual. Kind of a funky psychology, but that's how it's been for me. Link to comment
arwen Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 The disappearing act would make me feel really disrespected. If she likes you, she will have her hopes up for a week and then wonder if you're ever going to call. I think that that is far worse than getting a friendly email saying you liked the date but don't think there is enough between you to take it a step further (and wishing her well). What is so difficult about at least an email? Link to comment
lovepink Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 be best to say something. you could use email - since u met online or text. I dont think it really has to be done face to face in this situation. Also, what made u not want a 2nd? was it that bad? Unless you weren't chatting a lot before hand /and knew what she looked like etc, keep in mind some girls are different on a 1st date due to nerves and 'awkwardness'... Link to comment
annie24 Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 i've just always assumed that if a guy doesn't contact me after a first date, then he's not interested. chances are, i didn't feel that level of interest in him either. Link to comment
indierockgrl Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 Be honest.... i hate when people play games with me... be mature and be honest. I think its the best way to be..... Link to comment
Mutley Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 I had originally posted this in the cyber forum, but it's probably more appropriate here. I just had my first date with someone from an online dating site. It went fine, but we're just totally not compatible and I wasn't attracted at all. I would prefer to just disappear. Would that make me a total ass? No. You don't owe her anything after one date. Not calling again is fine. Actually, appropriate. I've had it the other way around as well. I've tried contacting them after the first date. They did not respond. That speaks volumes. Link to comment
Mutley Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 Be honest.... i hate when people play games with me... be mature and be honest. I think its the best way to be..... How is not calling a person after ONE introductory date playing a game? Link to comment
annie24 Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 Be honest.... i hate when people play games with me... be mature and be honest. I think its the best way to be..... i've also never seen it as a game. if i have a date with a man, and he doesn't call me to ask me out within a week for a second date, then i know he is not interested in dating me. i figure it out pretty fast. Link to comment
ellandroader Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 Be honest and upfront. They may not like it but they will respect it. Plus, if you don't do that then someone in the future who you happen to like does the same to you, then you have no right to complain. Link to comment
indierockgrl Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 How is not calling a person after ONE introductory date playing a game? I didnt say that this person was playing a game. I simply said that i dont like people to play games with ME and i always go the honest route. I PERSONALLY appreciate that. but to each is own. Link to comment
bebeblondie Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 I don't see what the big deal is about not contacting her again, unless you said you'd call or you told her that you'd take her out on a second date. If a guy made no mention of contacting me again then I wouldn't expect him to and I wouldn't think any less of him. You don't owe anybody anything after one date. For all you know she might feel the same way. Link to comment
Zeitgeist Posted May 20, 2009 Author Share Posted May 20, 2009 be best to say something. you could use email - since u met online or text. I dont think it really has to be done face to face in this situation. Also, what made u not want a 2nd? was it that bad? Unless you weren't chatting a lot before hand /and knew what she looked like etc, keep in mind some girls are different on a 1st date due to nerves and 'awkwardness'...Well, she did kind of misrepresent herself in the photos. She was younger and thinner in the photos. Which is fine. I accept, even expect that people will put their best foot forward on their profiles. And the conversation didn't really flow smoothly. I would ask her questions and she would give a brief response but then not follow up with any more information, so I'd have to continue leading her on with questions, which just got tiring. I asked if she had any brothers or sisters. She said, yeah, she had a sister...and stopped. I was like, okaaaaay...and she's how old? Where does she live? What does she do? I gave her a good hour to get over nerves if that's what it was. But there were other red flags. I thought everyone knows the rule about not discussing previous relationships. Well, she did. That in itself wasn't that bad. But what was revealed to me was a HUGE red flag. Let's just put it this way. There are on-screen movie relationships that have gone slower than hers. And I'm talking about the actual length of the movie - 2 hours. Nonetheless, I want to do the right thing. So if you women are saying it's disrespectful to disappear, I will write a brief e-mail. Thanks. Link to comment
Zeitgeist Posted May 20, 2009 Author Share Posted May 20, 2009 I don't see what the big deal is about not contacting her again, unless you said you'd call or you told her that you'd take her out on a second date. If a guy made no mention of contacting me again then I wouldn't expect him to and I wouldn't think any less of him. You don't owe anybody anything after one date. For all you know she might feel the same way. So that's just it. I never said I'd call or that I wanted a second date. And neither did she. The second date which I just had today went really well. At the end, I said I would call and that I meant that. And she seemed really happy about it. We even made tentative plans to meetup this weekend. Ha. If I go on many more dates, I should start a dating journal like Annie. Fascinating stuff Annie. Link to comment
annie24 Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 eeek, i had a date like that also a few weeks ago. not fun. i don't think after 1 date, you have to call them to tell them you don't want to see them anymore. if anything, i find it a bit rude. Link to comment
Zeitgeist Posted May 20, 2009 Author Share Posted May 20, 2009 The disappearing act would make me feel really disrespected. If she likes you, she will have her hopes up for a week and then wonder if you're ever going to call. I think that that is far worse than getting a friendly email saying you liked the date but don't think there is enough between you to take it a step further (and wishing her well). What is so difficult about at least an email?Well, it's not difficult. It's just that I don't want to get an e-mail back saying, "Well, what makes you think I wanted to see you? Here's why you suck: page 1..." Which would justify my not wanting to see her again. I don't really like annoying or hurting people if it can be avoided. But I also believe in karma, so like I said maybe I'll drop a brief e-mail and risk a little backlash. You may want that e-mail because you are at least partly sane, but I have heard women complain about getting such an e-mail, claiming to their friends and coworkers that the guy was a total tool anyways and they knew all along it wouldn't work out. Yeah, I shouldn't give a rat's ass since I don't know anyone she knows, but what can I say. I do. Link to comment
waveseer Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 This happened to me once, getting the email I mean. I totally appreciated it and even though I didn't agree with his reasons he was entitled to them. I would never argue with someone over losing interest after 1 date, lol. I replied and thanked him for being up front and honest. It was a pleasant courtesy and a nice surprize. Link to comment
Puma Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 I was rejected for a second date from a guy. Although it was through text, I'm thankful that he was honest and upfront rather than taking the cowardly route by avoiding the situation and not saying anything. We still keep in touch every once in awhile as friends. Link to comment
JenniferSNJ Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 I think a lot of the time when the date doesn't go well that both people know it. Don't call or email or anything and honestly, they probably won't either. If someone wasn't interested in me than I would prefer we just let it go. No communication necessary. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 With rare exception if it was only a first meet from an online dating site -- i.e. just a quick coffee or quick lunch, etc - I did my best to disappear especially if I had any inkling that the man would have a worse reaction from my telling him that I did not think we were a good match - which happened a number of times. I found that silence was much more "honest" than oversharing with a near stranger about why there would not be an official first date. I strongly preferred hearing nothing from a guy after a first meet than the often presumptuous and self-serving email of how great a person I am (how does he know that after only one coffee?) but that we aren't a match and how I deserve the best, blah blah blah. I often felt the same - that silence was best- after only a few real dates, depending on how i knew the person, what kind of dates they were (entire days spent together or just a quick meal?) and why I didn't want to see him again (if he was rude or offensive then I didn't think he deserved a return call). I felt the same about a guy not calling me after only a few dates. Link to comment
Zeitgeist Posted May 20, 2009 Author Share Posted May 20, 2009 Well, in case anyone is curious, I wrote a short e-mail. I'd always disappear before so as kind of a little self-growth test, I figured I'd give it a shot and see what happens. What I wrote: Hi xxx, thanks again for putting aside some time to meet me. I had nice time chatting with you. However, I don't think I see this going any further for us. I wish you all the best in your search. Sincerely, Z. Got a response back within 10 minutes that essentially said we were on the same page and that it was nice of me to write to her to tell her. So...all's well that ends well. Must say, it's kind of a load off my shoulders. Link to comment
waveseer Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Well, in case anyone is curious, I wrote a short e-mail. I'd always disappear before so as kind of a little self-growth test, I figured I'd give it a shot and see what happens. What I wrote: Got a response back within 10 minutes that essentially said we were on the same page and that it was nice of me to write to her to tell her. So...all's well that ends well. Must say, it's kind of a load off my shoulders. That's so nice, I'm glad it worked out for you. Good job! Link to comment
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